i had so much dregs backed up since the last dregs that i had to evacuate them all and start clean. i did make a couple exceptions for some exceptional dregs, but the rest are recent. This week we got Betty Crocked, an out of commission Liquor Commissioner, the dreaded last beer brawl, Donald Duck drunk, a DUI in a Barbie car and a drink recipe. Plus tons of other crap…
To kick things off i got some symbolic tuneage: Vanilla Ice – Ice Ice Baby
[Dedicated to Kelly Moss; press ‘Play’ for a throw-back before you throw-up]
Richard Simard, the soon to be ex-Liquor Commissioner of the whole freaking state of New Hampshire got busted last April for DWI. The governor got his panties in a wad over it but i’m just not seeing the problem here, yo. i mean, you want the Commissioner of Liquor to have an idea of what he’s Commissioning, right? Like what if he was the Police Commissioner—he should have some kind of knowledge of Police bidness, am i wrong? What the hell’s wrong with the world today when a poor slob gets the ax for doin’ his job too well…
Seems Alkie Ken Doll wanted to get lucky but he didn’t have the balls, so he decided instead to get drunk on sherry from the Barbie Kitchen and then joyride in Malibu Barbie’s Sports Jeep…
Nah, just joshin’ ya. The true story is even funnier. This 40-year-old guy named Paul Hutton from Essex (which is on some island called England) got drunk and took the Barbie Jeep he’d pimped out for a spin. The cops saw him, waved him over and Paul didn’t want any of that so he tried to take them on a high speed chase except he couldn’t get up to any high speeds.
Staying with the kiddie theme, this 51-year-old dude whose name really is Donald Duck got arrested for drunk driving through a drive-through in some Little Cesar’s in Ohio. C’mon, like there’s anybody sober anywhere in Ohio on any given Saturday night. Especially in a Little Cesar’s. Hell, the van he hit was pro’lly being driven by another drunk driver. i mean, c’mon, this was Uncle Donald’s 4th DUI and even the cop was funnier than me when he said Duck was a “frequent flyer”. OK, sure, it was probably a bad idea to drop the bag of weed on the ground when the cops where taking him out of his car, but still…
Staying with the kiddie theme and Ohio on a Saturday night:
Remember how you went to prom and drank too much peppermint schnapps in the limo? ‘Cause Jessica Halter doesn’t. You thought your prom date was bad, it coulda been a lot worse. This 18-year-old chick from Ohio went to her Senior prom totally wasted and when administrators and an policeman confronted her, she said “This is my fucking prom. This is bullshit. You are fucking bitches, I’m not drunk.” Then she tried to swing a chair at the cops, missed and started banging her own head against the chair until she bled profusely. When the officer tried to cuff her, she screamed and kicked, then decided to go completely limp and as she was being carried out of Deluca’s Catering Hall (the height of chic in Ohio) she hocked a huge, bloody loogie (this is high school, after all) on the cop. Jessica Halter: Failed Senior Classy.
Leah Osborne is this 27-year-old Okie who was driving drunk when she saw this raccoon on the side of the road. Friend to all hitchhiking rodents, Leah pulled over to give the little bugger a lift but, smarter than your average Osborne, the beast refused to get in the car with a stranger who had an open bottle of vodka in the front seat. Cops found her on her knees, trying to coax the ‘coon out from underneath the vehicle and tested her at this week’s BAC record: .37%.
You know what’s even more amazing than the charm this woman oozes all over your shoes? That she has a boyfriend? Nope, not even. What is truly incredible about 41-year-old Elizabeth Breeden is that, instead of getting down on all fours and thanking whatever god was generous to provide her with a man-beast confused enough to dip his wick in her dried up well, she kicked his ass for drinking the last Natty Light.
‘Parently they’d been drinking and she got pissed off when she realized he was sipping on the last Natty Light so she asked him for it and when he refused, she tried to grab it but when the can tore in half (they don’t make Natty Light cans like they used to) she slapped him and kicked him in the groin. Cops came and carried her away to the pokey, which is the closest to anything else even resembling “pokey” Lizzie’s likely to see for a very very long time.
The only problem with Steven Perkins’ purchase was that he’s a futures trader and bought 7 million barrels of oil, not beer. He’d been binging for a couple days when he made the deal then lied to cover it up. His ass got fined $137,000 (that’s one fined ass) and banned (now he’s a banned ass) from trading for 5 years.
Kelly Moss, this sweet faced 48-year-old from Tennessee is smiling for a variety of reasons, not the least of which she’s 48, in Tennessee and still has her teeth. Also, she’s had a lot of practice in this pose because she’s scored her 3rd arrest for DUI. But the real and true reason she’s smiling is because she’s drunk. She was found practically passed out in her car in a middle school parking lot, too wasted to perform a field sobriety test and refusing every other kind of test they wanted to throw at her.
The real and true reason i’m smiling is because of Kelly’s cooking lesson. See, when the police pulled Kelly from her car, they smelled vanilla. Like the ice cream! Further research showed me that authentic vanilla extract can be 35% alcohol and age like fine whiskey. That’s freaking 70 proof! Who knew!? Kelly did, because she was comatose on just 16 ounces. Now that Vanilla Ice intro up top is starting to make sense, i bet.
Bar None Dregs
You know how Beethoven composed a lot of crap when he was all deaf and stuff and everyone thinks he’s a genius because of it? Well, get ready to do your best “Welcome Genius Dance” for me because i, Al K Hall, have just invented a new cocktail while on the wagon!
In honor of Ms Moss, i give you…
The Vanilla Ice
- Double-fold Vanilla extract (35% alcohol)
- Lime wedgie
- Stir stick thingy
- A tall glass
- Pour 2 fingers of rum into the tall glass
- Fill the glass with the coke almost to the top but leave enough room to…
- Add four ice cubes and
- 1/2 teaspoon (only) of the vanilla extract
- Mix it up with the stirry stick thingy
- Wedge the lime wedgie on the rim of the glass
i have not been able to try this drink, people! i’m still on the wagon, ‘member. Still writing sober and dry spelling so i’m not able to test this new concoction i’ve just created. Which is why i need you! If any of y’all are brave enough to give this puppy a shot, please please please take a picture and let me know what you think of it! C’mon, after all i’ve done for you…