From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Holy F@ck – Frenchy’s
Ramblings: Splice of Life
Final Proof: 2 Shots
You know how you get drunk and eat a TV dinner in front of a “classic” horror film? The only thing scary about the movie is the acting and the only thing appetizing about the frozen dinner is the package, which probably tastes the same as the Salisbury steak and just what the hell is a Salisbury and how do they kill it so that it always has the same consistency going in as it does coming out? The tater tots never heat up all the way through and the desert isn’t nearly as sweet as you thought it’d be so the only choice you got is to keep at that bottle of bargain whiskey but that only keeps making you more depressed because your expectations for the evening were already dirt low to begin with and the night couldn’t live up to even that. Splice was kinda like that night and especially like that frozen dinner.
This is a remake of the worst version of Frankenstein you choose and just as original, boring and hammy. They had the required CGI effects and the required CGI script (Clichés Galore Indiscriminately). You know what the only innovation was in this abortion? In some twisted tribute, the creature’s name is “Dren”, just like in Happy Days season 3, episode 53 “They Call It Potsie Love” when Joanie develops a crush on Potsie and calls him “Dren” because it’s “Nerd” backwards. Yeah, that’s what we’re dealing with here.
There were just too many jumps all over the place. Like jumps in reality. There were so many WTF moments i felt like i was bottle raped at some Hells Angel Jamboree in San Fran and in my ass. There were also jumps in science but the only thing i know about science is liquid densities so i can make a good Tequila Sunrise. Jumps in time too, like one minute things are evolving one way and then before you can spell DNA you feel like someone switched movie reels mid film.
Funny, i used to respect Adrien Brody but now i feel like he just drooled all over me in the men’s room of some tranny bar where even the Bud is served with little paper umbrellas. Being desperate enough to hit on me is a total turn-off. The only reason i could see him being involved in this mutant bitch is if someone has secret photos of him screwing fleeced sheep in some New Zealand barn. Sarah Polley i get, she seems kinda hard up for work, and Delphine Chanéac is French so she’s pro’lly pleased as a Kiwi with velcro gloves that she gets to be in an English-speaking movie where she doesn’t have to say a word. But Adrien Brody!? He was even in a movie with Keira Knightley, for chrissake.
Sex: 3½ Shots
You know what we got here? Nudity with a capital “R”. “R” as in R-rated or Really hot French girl with her shirt off for a good five minutes and when i say “good” five minutes, i mean “awesome”.
Before we got to the good stuff, though, let me know what you think about the larva mutants at the beginning. For me, they look like very penisy, to get technical on y’all. Maybe it’s just me, i dunno. What do you think? Penis? Not penis?
There was also Sarah Polley (31), who i already exposéed for Mr Nobody. She’s a pretty actress and all but this film was pretty abysmal so it was pretty hard to notice Pretty Polley. The cool part was, we got to see her say “fµck” a lot. That was kinda cool. There was also a sex scene with Adrien Brody where don’t even take off their clothes. It’s science sex, i guess. Not as hot as this, babes.
Here’s what genetic booty looks like, in the form of Delphine Chanéac (31).
Pretty cool, huh? All you gotta do is buy it a wig and it’ll work in a pinch. The downside is the thing has hands that look like the Simpson’s (4-fingered), so you’re gonna cum up short on a hand job. On the plus side, you should see its tongue.
There’s even a long-ish sex scene where Adrien Brody get’s his helix doubled or his strand straightened or whatever scientists do. Delphine Chanéac has a great body but not nearly enough hair. i never did like the Yul Brynner look on babes. Here’s what it looked like from Adrien’s POV.
She could also stand to shave off some of the underarm wingage. Soon after the above shot was taken, Sarah Polley discovers her boyfriend splicing their genetic offspring in a barn and gets pissed off. Someone should tell her not to get so bent outta shape because it’s the most realistic scene in the whole movie: Guys will bang anything if it has nice boobs. See?
There’ll be more shots of Delphine in my drawers. Just scroll down to the bottom of this puppy to check ’em out.
Drink: 1 Shot
- Empty vodka and champagne bottles on shelf from past successes
- AB drinks whiskey in packed up apartment
Rock & Roll: 3 Shots
Probably the best part of the movie but don’t waste hours like me trying to find out what the freakin’ songs were because it’s impossible. There was a lot of hard metal, though, which was nice. Like there was this one scene where AB turned up the tunes to drown out the sound of the freak’s noises. The rock here was kinda for the same purpose: to distract me from the other crap like the crappy effects and crappy script and crappy story and crappy directing.
The violence at the end was more rocky than rock. Good for a laugh though, especially when the girl freak becomes a guy freak and rapes the girl. Freaking funny.
Boring Technical Crap
Directed by: Vincenzo Natali
Sarah Polley – Elsa Kast
Delphine Chanéac – Dren
Adrien Brody – Clive Nicoli
The last line in the movie is: What’s the worst thing that could happen? The answer is: A Sequel. DNA, y’all: Do Not Attend.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Delphine Chanéac (31)