From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Kitty Daisy & Lewis – Going Up The Country
[AlKHallism: i couldn’t find the real movie rockabilly version by Imelda May, so you’re gonna hafta make do with this rockabilly version.]
Ramblings: Off Target
Final Proof: 1½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a Sylvie Vartan female impersonator? Worse than the fact no one even knows who she is, worse even then the fact that those who do know don’t really care, worse than these is the idea that the cross dresser is English and the English should never try to impersonate French gay icons. Drinking with this guy sucks because he only pretends to drink just like he pretends to do everything else. He just goes through the motions of living the life of someone else who wasn’t even that original to begin with. He drinks near beers and Shirley Temple look-a-likes and the whole experience feels like drinking knock-off brand pastis and the only taste it leaves in your mouth is a bad hankering for the real thing. Wild Target is just like that transvestite.
Just like that fake cheap British Pernod, Wild Target was a remake of a French film called Cible Emouvante (which me and my mad French skills would translate as “Moving Target”, with a pun on the word “moving”). The French original was predictable enough but you didn’t need to have seen that to see the strings hanging from this wooden, clompy marionette. The sad thing is, i saw the French original under very extenuating circumstances and, sadder still, i didn’t like the movie all that much. Saddest of all was that i didn’t know any of this until about 6 minutes into the movie and the realization flooded over me in a tsunami beer barf spilling from the silver screen.
Whoever green-lighted Wild Target is gonna get his head rolled for not doing a “Cursed By The Devil”check before slating this harbinger. All the damned signs were there, too: Marie Trintignant, Renée Dandrieux in the French original, died in Lithuania after her boyfriend, French rock ‘star’ Bertrand Cantat of Noir Désir, struck her in the face around 19 times. If that’s not enough, Guillaume Depardieu (son of French planet Gérard Depardieu) appeared as Antoine in Cible Emouvante. Two years later he was in a motorcycle accident and injured his leg. His knee got infected in the hospital and his leg had to be amputated. In 2007, he caught pneumonia while filming in Romania and died. Babe, if someone asks you if you wanna be in a remake of this movie, cut off some chicken’s head and run away as fast as you can doing your favorite ritual voodoo dance to shake off the bad juju that’s gonna dog your ass for your foreseeable future.
None of that has nothing to do with this movie, i know. Here’s something that does. i hate movies about good looking girls who can get away with whatever they want simply because they’re good looking. i also hate any movie that could be described as “zany”. i am also not a big fan of “wacky”. i will probably shoot myself in the foot (or at least get really drunk) before i see another movie spawning adjectives like “hare-brained, loony,” or “madcap”. Don’t even talk to me about “wild romp”. Wild Target is all of these, and less.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
Emily Blunt (26) is the lead female, “Rose”. There’s even some near-sexy, like her undressing to a bra and panties on a hotel bed. Later, if you’re into this kind of thing, she has to pee between parked cars in a parking garage. Speaking of “if you’re into it”, Bill Nighy (reprising Jean Rochefort’s role of Victor Meynard) gives Emily a foot massage and we can see that Emily Blunt has cute big toes.
Oh yeah, in the movie she always asks potential sexual partners how much they weigh, like she’s gonna bench press them, but we never hear the answer so are left to assume it was a gimmick in the original that didn’t translate well into British. In the last scene, Em sports a sweater that highlights her cleavage but this is not worth sitting through the whole movie for. For those of you who make the sacrifice and follow my advice, here’s something just as nice.
If that’s not Blunt enough for you, there’s more of her in my drawers. Down there.
The best thing about this movie was the very lovely Stephanie Lammond. i’ve emailed her about the possibility of an interview, but it would appear that her appearance in this movie is not indicative of a total lack of taste. So here’s her collage, which links to her website (and if you go there, why not send her an email saying you’d like to see her interviewed here?).
For those of you more into darts than bullseyes, boy did you come to the right movie. The French are pretty euro trashed so the vague gayness in their movie comes off and across as Metro Sexual. When the Brits try the same thing it just comes out as gay.
Like how they got Rupert Grint (little Ron from of Harry Potter flame) to bare his twink pink nipples all over the place. There’s even this one scene where Bill Nighy walks in on Rupert in the tub and tells the little guy, “Your presence confuses me sexually,” so the twat stands up and faces the old perv. What’s the sound of one hand clapping? It’s the sound of all these old pedo-bears simultaneously clapping themselves off one-handedly.
Here’s the collage i promised. Rupert Grint (21):
Lots of references, even if drink didn’t play a big role in the story.
- Bill Nighy drinks fancy burgundy at a dinner in his home.
- He’s learning French and says “J’aime particulierement les vins de Bourgogne, et vous?“
- Whiskey on the rocks in a hotel bar
- Rose orders cognac, red wine, Glenfiddich and a Becks in the hotel bar and tells the bartender the Becks is for him before she asks him how much he weighs.
- Wine with roast beef at the dinner table in the country house. Tony (Rupert Grint) only gets half a glass.
- Champagne at birthday party. Vodka shots. Rose wakes up with a bad hangover and a pink pussy (cat).
- In the final, cleavage sweater scene, they’re drinking rosé on the terrace.
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
The music sucks. There is no rock. If rock wasn’t dead already, this movie killed it.
Here’s the proof:
- Opening Titles by The London Metropolitan Orchestra
- Mehum Mato by Fishtank Ensemble
- Hotel Song by Regina Spektor
- Johnny Got A Boom Boom by Imelda May
- The Waves by Liam Shachar ft Joe Echo
- All Over Me by Pete Simpson
- ‘Spring’ from The Four Seasons (Violin Concerto in E Major, Op. 8 No.1) by The Capella Istropolitana Orchestra
- In A Mellow Mood by The Freddie Carleone Quartet
- Sinfonia Concertante – E flat major, KV364, 2nd movement Andante Ma Non Troppo by The Capella Istropolitana Orchestra
- Piano Sonata No 8 In C Minor by Rupert Everett
- Face The Dragon by Fishtank Ensemble
- New Soul by Yael Naïm
- Plug in the Machine by Dorp
- Wedding Bell by Beach House
- Foot Massage by The London Metropolitan Orchestra
- Going Up Country by Imelda May
- Mayhem by Imelda May
Boring Technical Crap
Pierre Salvadori (original screenplay)
Lucinda Coxon (screenplay)
Directed by: Jonathan Lynn
Wild Target falls short of both “wild” and the “target”. i’d honestly rather see Eclipse again.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Emily Blunt (27)