Celeb Dregs of the Week: Sep 09 – 29, 2010

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There was neither enough room nor time for all the dregs i threw up on Sunday, so here’s the Celebrity Dregs.

From the juiced-box, an arrested Warrant: Warrant – Cherry Pie

Celebrity Dregs

July 19: Arrest Warranted

Let’s get the boring shit out of the way first. ‘Member how back in March i told y’all about Jani Lane? You didn’t know who he was, remember? And i told you he used to be the singer for Warrant and you were all like, “Oh yeah, I kinda ‘member” and i was all, “Yeah, well he just got busted for a 2nd DUI in 2 years”? Well, here’s the big mystery and i’ll let you drink free all night if you can solve it. Last news was, Lane got sentenced to 120 days hard time back in July and he was supposed to report to the jail on July 28, 2010. Then there’s a black hole of information because now he’s talking about fronting for the White Stripes and no one, not even TMZ or WIKI, can tell you if he went to the pokey or not.

What do you think? Maybe he’s in Witness Protection because he once did cocaine with Obama back in the “Hey” days of the eight-tays. Well anyways, Lane is the poster child for alcoholism. Check out the following picture and tell yourself, “Wow, if I can kick this drinking problem up a notch think of all the money I can save on shampoo and showers.”

July 19: Project Run-away

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF ALCOHOL ABUSE.

What do you do if you gotta fuck a lot of frogs? Fuck the most boring ones first because you’ll still be able to work it for the hot ones at the end. Which is kinda what i’m doing in today’s celebrity dregs, ’cause we got another “guy story”—yep, 2 in a row — before we move onto the hot. Or will i? Drink and see, patronizers, drink and see…

You know how you know you’ve hit bottom of the barrel? You got to a bar to pick fights with reality show almost-rans. And waste booze. Which makes Arturo Trejo-Perez the King Of Loser Assholes because he’s got some pretentious name and went to some club in West Hollywood and saw some dude who’d been kicked off Project Runway of all shows. So Pear-ass goes up to Rami Kashou (bless you) and starts hassling him. Kashou-Nut just wants to get his drink on so he tells the Asshole King “I’m nobody, just a waiter, leave me alone.” Nope, not good enough for “In the Land of the Hinds, The One-Brown-Eyed Man is King” who dumps his beer (AUUGHHH!!! Alcohol Abuse!) on Rami’s bald head and then T-P (see, even his initials are asshole related) smashes the beer bottle in Kashout’s face. What a douche. If you still care, click on the link at the heading but i got bored of this ages ago and i just wanna post Heidi Klum pictures because she’s in Project Runway.

Heidi Klum in the Bar None

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There’s gonna be tons more single shots of her down in my drawers— just scroll all the way down.

Sept 26: Piece of Class

A quick note about Gloria Stuart, an old woman who played the old woman in the movie Titanic. She hit 100 (years old, not miles per hour) back in July and just a couple days ago her heart didn’t go on anymore. i’d like to raise my drink and offer a toast to this classy lady who could run an obedience school for today’s young pups and bitches and train them what it means to age gracefully. Barmaids and Beerhounds, i give you Gloria Stuart.

July 31: Trailer Trashed

Case in point.

In your decadent country of those United States, it’s apparently possible to become professional trailer trash. This is a job i could do well. Apparently not as well as some girl named Snooki who we’ve never heard of here in Yeaman because our definition of celebrity isn’t as wide as some of yours are. So this Snooki character got arrested for disorderly conduct after she did body shots in some bar (and with the size of that gut, i’m guessing her navel holds a double shot), fell off a bike, walked around with a beer bong and just got into all kinds of general mischief. Here’s some shots of her bust.

July 29: Reid Between the Lines

Speaking of ladies in trouble…

Tara Reid was super hot in some old episodes of Scrubs i saw a couple months ago. i was all looking forward to doing some research on her for this post when i saw that she got super trashed at this one party in St Tropez over the summer. The good news was, she’s a party animal. Who the hell knew other than not me? Damn, it was so easy to find pictures of her trashed, as you can see by the collage at the top of the post. Shit, here’s another collage of all the men, women and old freakin’ astronauts (Buzz Aldrin) she made out with in the South of France.

The bad news is, her boob job turned out as wonky as some other reality star who also got drunk. You’ll see later. Lesson here, ladies? Don’t touch the boobs! That’s my job. Plastic surgery will screw up your golden orbs and make you depressed enough to want to drink all the time.

Sept 22: Foxx News

This is what’s known as a musical interlude. Jamie Foxx got shitfaced in Santa Monica the other night, drinking Patron Tequila and livin’ the life i should be living. How did he get to be so hot, talented and successful? Blame it on the Alcohol.

From the juiced-box and a Jamie Foxx song: Blame It (on the Alcohol)

July 29: Beer Goggles

Back to the chick action. So this other chick, let’s call her Audrina Patridge (because that’s her name) was in London over the summer and got royally toasted. She got so toasted her eyes went as wonky as her fake boobs, and that’s some scary wonky right there.

Here’s another shot of her partying, but there’ll be more of her in my drawers.

Audrina Patridge and Lauren Conrad in the Bar None

Sept 07: US Open Bar

You know what kind of girl i wanna party with? The kind that can make a party happen wherever she goes. Even if that place is as boring as the US Open. Ashlee Simpson, who is a singer i’ve never heard of here in Yeaman, bottled up her A-game and didn’t just go there, she went there and brought it and danced around with it and brought it all the way back home.

More drawer shots of her coming up, babes. Just look down.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Heidi Klum (37)

Tara Reid (34)

Tara Reid in the Bar None

Audrina Patridge (25)

Ashlee Simpson (25)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Dregs of the Week: Sept 09 – 26, 2010 (like i keep track)

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Free Lindsay!!!

The dregs have been fermenting for awhile so we got some trouble brewin’. Like there’s a catwalk in a straight line, a wine pump, getting shitfaced on piss, a new kind of suicide assistance and vampire beer. On top of that (where it belongs), i know you know we know we got Lindsay Lohan, the Bar Nun, back where she belongs.

From the juiced-box: Labelle – Voulez-Vous Couchez Avec Moi Ce Soir

[Press ‘Play’ for something that’ll make sense at the end of the commoner dregs, swear on The Bible (or, as we say in French, La Bible)]

Commoner Dregs

2010-09-07: Urine For A Surprise

James Gilpin must be from the United Kingdom or England or one of those other countries where they drive on the wrong side of the road. ‘Cause over in those countries they talk wrong too, like to be “pissed” is to be drunk, not pissed off. So, i’m thinking James Gilpeen is from there or just really drunk or pro’lly both because he had this idea which goes something like this. “Hmm, I’m a biomedical research guy and elderly diabetics have a lot of sugar in their urine so wouldn’t it be cool if I collected old people pee, fermented it and mixed it with whiskey?” Now, if he could only find a reason for people to drink that instead of just straight whiskey.

2010-09-11: DUI. In A Cop Car.

Adam Segura is running for Bar None hero status. He got busted drunk driving, but everybody and their peeing diabetic grandma does that. What makes Adam special is that he got pulled over twice, in 5 minutes. Driving a cop car the second time. He got pulled over the first time, was handcuffed in the cop car and while the cops were outside interviewing someone else, he slid the cuffs to the front and drove away. Too bad he got caught again after a couple of minutes or he would of made hero for real.

2010-09-16: “Read Me My Amanda Rights”

Sheryl A. Urzedowski is 38 which means she’ll never be a top model, at least not like the drunk babes in the collage up top. Still, it’s like Heidi Klum says, “One night you’re drunk, the next night your out”. Sheryl got pulled over for DUI and had to walk a straight line, except she did it three times with her hands on her hips. So the cop informed the America’s Next Drunk Model that she was under arrest. She insisted that the officer read her the “Amanda Rights”. Sure, it’s funny but wouldn’t it have been funnier if she said “Read me my Miranda KERR rights”. Plus it would of been hotter.

"You have the right to remain bent."

2010-09-02: Dynamic Duel

Staying with the theme of DUI, ’cause i’m all about the logical transitions, we got a brother and sister duet that i refuse to make any “shocking” puns about. Seems Darlene Neward had a glass of the Jager before heading out with her little kids and her brother. She and her bro-ski got into over something so she shot him with a stun gun. Then, and why is there never any explanation for the fun stuff, she stun gunned herself. The cops came and there was much arresting. Stunning. (Hey, i only promised not to make any “shocking” jokes.) Oh yeah, i almost forgot the worst part of this mess. You know what her BAC was? Fuckin’ 0.089%. Yep, only 0.009% over the legal limit. If you’re only gonna be that lamely “drunk”, you’re not allowed to use the booze as an excuse for your stupidity. Stand up and face the stupid, woman.

2010-09-16: Suicide Helpline

Staying with the family theme, Valerie Jenkins (56) knows how to help out when you’re feeling suicidal. Seems her husband was plastered and wearing his death colored glasses and was whining about offing himself to his tender wife. Always one to lend a helping hand, she asked her dearly inebriated if he wanted the gun. He told her he did, she went to other room and got a pistol which she tossed on the sofa beside him. He picked it up and shot himself in the face. She’s now being prosecuted for manslaughter.

Valerie Jenkins Mug Shot

2010-09-26: Cigarettes in a Pharmacy

This 17-year-old kid, Ryan Gelineau who lives in Assachussettes, burrowed through the roof of a pharmacy to steal 100 bottles of pills, $320, 4 cartons of smokes and cough syrup. Honestly, i have no frickin’ idea where to begin with this one. Should he have broke into a liquor store instead of a pharmacy if he wanted to drink? But there were cigarettes in the pharmacy, does that mean nicotine is medicine? Or does it mean they sell other shit than drugs. If they do, why did he go for the cough syrup and not the booze? Because he went for the cough syrup big time. See, he couldn’t get back through the hole he’d hacksawed in the ceiling so he hidout in a crawlspace and drank 2 bottles of codeine laced baby booze and passed out. Funkin’ lightweight. The next morning his cellphone ringing alerted the staff who called the police. Still, cigarettes in a pharmacy, there’s an odd logic in that.

2010-09-24: Vampire Beer

Not much to say about this. In a country called Belgium or Europe, they make this special beer by the light of the full moon because it brews faster. The beer is ready in 5 days instead of 7, which i guess also means the full moon period is longer in the old country than in the new land. All this BS is supposed to make the beer stronger but still smooth. The name of the beer is Paix-Dieu, which means “Peace God”, which is how the French pronounce “God Piss”. Anything makes sense if you think about it long enough.

2010-09-15: There is a God and his name is Dieu

Check this out a sec while i sit over here weeping for joy.

In this other country called France, they have an expression other than “Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir?” It goes, “Mon Dieu!” and it means “Sacré Bleu!” This is the kind of shit they say when they realize how lucky they are that they can go to any old supermarket and there’s a Wine Pimp. Wine by the gallon, or “liter” i guess because they do everything different over there. Basically, you take the mademoiselle to the store, fill her up, then ask if you “voulez-vous couchez avec moi” all over the place. Ooh la la. Or, as they say in France, Ooh la la.

Celebrity Dregs

There’s really only one story this week and you know what that is. Lindsay had a quickie in jail—in and out. Yes, the Bar None’s Bar Nun had a brush with the law but all’s well that ends well. Thank god the ‘crack’ team over at FREE LINDSAY!!! was on the case (of beer). Rather than siphon through all the news and have the re-runs here, everyone’s life’ll be easier if i just give you the blow. By blow. And then cut right to the pictures.

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Our Bar Nun

i’m running out of time tonight, Barmaids and Beerhounds, so i’m gonna cut out here and hook you up with the other Celebrity Dregs later on in the week.

Bar None Dregs

Y’all pro’lly saw the previous post but i’ll just reiterate it here. Rodney over at Fernby Films was cool enough to ask me to help him out during his Worst Film Week, and if you want the worst you know where to go. So i hooked him up and he was nice enough to link me up all over the place. So you should pro’lly head over there and check this shit out.

And Rodney? Thanks for the invitation, Brother.

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of EAT PRAY LOVE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Sly and the Family Stone – Thank You (Fallettin Me Be Mice Elf Agin)

Guess what and you won’t believe me anyway. Julia Roberts came to Yeaman to promote Eat Pray Love and i went to the premiere and sat in the front row. You know how i’m always thinking about you guys? Well, i got as low as i could when i took the following shot so i could try to get something up her skirt but it didn’t work out. This is the best i could do.

If you really care all that much, there are a couple arty shots of the premiere all the way at the bottom of this post.

Ramblings: Eat Drink Crap

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you get drunk with a bridesmaid at a second cousin’s wedding? She’s buzzed on white wine and champagne with strawberries in it and her fancy dress looks tight in all the right places but a little askew as she slips down her seat, sips her drink and tells you all about her spiritual quest and about how she’s trying to find herself in Thai cooking lessons, meditation and psychotherapy but the longer she babbles on the more you realize her “spiritual” quest is really a manhunt for true love and you get a little sad when you understand she needs to find a man to find herself. Eat Pray Love is that deluded bridesmaid making you melancholy.

Sure, i knew before i went that i wasn’t going to like this movie and it didn’t disappoint, but at least now i got reasons why. Another big shocker is that i didn’t read the book. i actually know some people who can read and they even read this book. They told me that Elizabeth Gilbert, the chicklette who wrote the chick lit, traveled all over the world to get over her depression and learn some crap about herself. Like in Italy she learned how to eat, in India she learned how to pray and in Bali she learned how to love.

i feel bad for Liz (played very bubblyily by Julia Roberts) because the book sounds kinda cool but the movie was she goes to Italy to get over her actor boyfriend (David Piccolo, played by James Franco), she goes to India to get over her ex-husband (Stephen, portrayed by a Billy Crudup who was way more inspired in Almost Famous than he was here), and she goes to Bali to meet a new guy (Javier Bardem, who i do not want to sleep with).

Chick flicks bug me because a woman is reduced to the relationship she wants, is in, or is leaving. Is the fairer sex truly that two-dimensional and simplistic?

Honestly, to think that a woman is not complete if she doesn’t have a guy sounds old-fashioned like from the Neanderthal times or the 1950’s. Is the survival of the species instinct still so deeply ingrained that we believe a woman alone is only half a person? Look, sure i love being in a couple and there are some definite advantages to living with the person you love and sharing your life experiences with that special someone, but to say that i cannot know myself unless i’m dipping my wick regular is taking things a step too far.

Before i cut this shorter, i would be amiss (and i don’t want to be even a little miss) if i didn’t pour a beer and make a toast to Richard Jenkins. Jenkins plays a guy called “Richard from Texas” and does a great job. i’ll tell you why i like Jenkins. He’s not just a good actor, he’s a very good actor (he carries The Visitor with all the grace of a drunken waiter pirouetting around tables balancing a tray laden with champagne flutes) but he’s an acting whore because he’ll star in any old trash movie (like, for example, uhm, i dunno, EAT PRAY LOVE?)  just so long as he can get paid. This is one way to show how much you love something.

Swear to god, the best part of this movie was going to the premier with Miss Demeanor. The rest was just like diet pie: saccharine, bland and gave me the runs.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 ½ Shot

i’m not gonna lie even though (especially because) it’d be so easy to lie to your booze sodden asses. Nope, here’s the truth, i like Julia Roberts. i think Julia Roberts (42) is a good actress and i suspect she’s pro’lly even a pretty cool person considering all the shit she’s pro’lly gotta walk through in heels every day in her life. One of the reasons i didn’t put my foot down and drag my heels about going to this premiere was because Julia was in the movie and in the movie theater. Don’t get me wrong, she’s no Keira Knightley or Mélanie Laurent, but hell she always makes each character she portrays seem human and isn’t that the job of an actor?

There were a few lightly tantalizing scenes in the film, like Julia braless in a nightgown, sitting in a bathtub (completely covered by extra-white soapy water), and sporting a cleavage wedding dress in her flashbacks. None of it was as hot as this, babes.

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i’ma have some more Julia shots down below in my drawers. Just keep on scrollin’.

Playing Sofi, Liz’s Swedish friend in Italy, we got Tuva Novotny (30)  who has the coolest name ever. i wanna hang out with her just so i can say things like, “Yo, Tuva, can you get me another beer?” Or “Hey, Tuva, wow, that top looks really great on you and no, i don’t think you need to wear a bra with it—it’s not that see through.” Tuva Novotny. You know how i know she’s Swedish? Because she’s this hot.

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Here’s a shot of Tuva in the Bar None because there isn’t enough of her on the Net to fill up my drawers:

Silken Butterflies

There were a couple very attractive Silken Butterflies (and if you don’t know what that means, just click on the link above).

The first one i noticed i’d referred to in my notes as “cute Italian girl @ table”. This turned out to be Elena Arvigo, who plays a girl named Maria and who really is Italian.

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There’ll be some Elena in my drawers below, don’t you worry.

The other Silken Butterfly fitted onto my note sheet by name, “Armenia”. Color me lucky because the actress who portrayed Armenia turned out to be someone as hot as Cuban-American Arlene Tur.

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i stuck a couple shots of her down there in my drawers.

For those of you more into Cocks Crowing than Chicks Flicking, here’s some James Franco (32) for you.

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James Franco after the Bar None

You know how Miss Demeanor and me are intellectuals, right? So we were walking to the premiere in our fancy ass clothes and talking smart like usual. It goes something like this:

Miss Demeanor: You gotta like this movie because it’s got Javier Bardem in it. He’s one of the 5 guys you’d do right?

Al K Hall: [All comfortable with my sexuality and shit] Nah…too swarthy for my taste. The 5 guys are, lemme think…

Miss Demeanor: Johnny Depp.

Al K Hall: Sure, 1) Johnny Depp, 2) Robert Downey Jr and 3) Mickey Rourke, even like he looks today.

Miss Demeanor: Ugh, I’m not even sure I’d do him.

Al K Hall: And of course Brad Pitt ’cause i always want to hate him for being so good looking but he’s also so fucking talented.

Miss Demeanor: And #5?

Al K Hall: Michelle Rodriguez, of course.

So even if i won’t sleep with him, here’s Javier (41):

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A Smoke

Drink: 1½ Shots

  • Wine at a party at the beginning
  • Beer in a bar at the after-party of some play
  • Wine at post divorce dinner
  • Lots of wine in Italy
  • A wine toast to sex in Rome
  • Richard (Richard Jenkins) in India is at the Assram [sick] because he’s a boozer who drove home drunk and almost hit his kid who was waiting for him in the driveway
  • Liz’s (Julia Roberts) guru in Indonesia tells her she has to learn to smile with her liver
  • Liz drinks white wine while reading at Felipe’s place in Bali
  • Liz drinks tequila shots at a beach party in Bali
  • The next day Felipe (Javier Bardem) brings her a hangover cure in a plastic bag with a straw that was made by a local medicine woman—and they don’t even tell us what’s in it

A Smoke

Slurred Speeches

At the beginning party one of the guests is talking to Liz’s (Julia Roberts) soon to be ex, Stephen (Billy Crudup).

So, you’re a baker now. Wanna get baked?

Liz’s boyfriend, David Piccolo (James Franco) is whining like a little girl about something someone said to him at some dinner and Julia comforts him by saying,

He had 5 Heinekens. He was bombed.

Yeah, i know, too bad Dave wasn’t friends with me. Five Heinies is what i drink just to take a pee in the morning.

My favorite reference was when Liz was having a meal with her Italian teacher and they took a break from their lessons when Liz said, “Let me teach you a word.” Then she held up the carafe of wine she was holding and said, “Therapist”.

Rock & Roll: ½ Shot

i had a really hard time with this. Jesus, there are two Eddie Vedder songs in this and i’m big into all that is Vedder. Unfortunately, both his tunes are symptomatic of what i don’t like about Eat Pray Love, namely there’s nothing even remotely resembling anything rock and roll. Yes, i know it’s a chick flick but i bet if Drew Barrymore was attached to this movie somehow she’d find a way to infuse this grandma’s teabag with a little rock. Don’t believe me? ‘Cause i know you don’t. You just think i’m drunk and saying whatever i want but you’re wrong. Proof is right here.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Eddie Vedder – Better Days

And that’s the rock one. The other one, “The Long Road”, is even slower.

  1. Flight Attendant – Josh Rouse
  2. Last Tango In Paris (Suite Pt. 2) – Gato Barbieri
  3. Thank You (Fallettin Me Be Mice Elf Agin) – Sly & The Family Stone
  4. Der Hölle Rache Kocht In Meinem Herzen from “Die Zauberflote (The Magic Flute)”
  5. Heart of Gold – Neil Young
  6. Kaliyugavaradana – U. Srinivas
  7. The Long Road – Eddie Vedder, with Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan
  8. Harvest Moon – Neil Young
  9. Samba Da Bençáo – Bebél Gilberto
  10. Wave – João Gilberto
  11. Got To Give It Up (Part 1) – Marvin Gaye
  12. ‘S Wonderful – João Gilberto
  13. Better Days – Eddie Vedder
  14. Attraversiamo – Dario Marianelli

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Elizabeth Gilbert – (book)

Ryan Murphy and Jennifer Salt – (screenplay)

Directed by: Ryan Murphy

Starring

Julia Roberts – Liz Gilbert

Tuva Novotny – Sofi

Elena Arvigo – Maria

Arlene Tur – Armenia

Richard Jenkins – Richard from Texas

James Franco – David Piccolo

Billy Crudup – Stephen

Javier Bardem – Felipe

Bottom Line

Read the book instead.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Julia Roberts (42)

Julia Roberts after the Bar None

Julia Roberts in the Bar None

Elena Arvigo

Elena Arvigo in the Bar None

Arlene Tur

To thank you for making it all the way down this far, here are a couple more shots i sagged at the pre-screening.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

The Booze Talkin’: My Exclusive Interview with DEVANNY PINN

[Al K Hallism: All photos link to Devanny’s website.]

From the juiced-box and one of Devanny’s favorite bands: Hollywood Undead – Undead

Some of y’all will have vague memories of my Booze Revooze of Piranha 3D, the rest of you are probably still hungover. Though i found the beginning of the movie a little fishy, i eventually got hooked, especially by Devanny Pinn who caught my eye in the key role of Wet T-Shirt Girl. Imagine my surprise when i dropped her a line and she went for the interview hook, line and sinker.

And what an interview it was. Charming, intelligent, funny and unbelievably cool, she lived up to all my expectations and more. Here then is an interview that not even i could choke up. Boozehounds and Barmaids, i give you the Queen of Scream, Devanny Pinn.

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Re-Runs: The Booze Talkin’ with GABRIELLE CHAPIN

Sunset Hair photo © Gabrielle Chapin / GChapin Sutdios

Babes! You’ll never guessed who dropped in the Bar None today… Perhaps our “oldest” regular, Gabrielle Chapin.

My very first Booze Revooze was about Final Destination 4; i’ve linked it in case you want to go back and check out the “grade school photo” version of what has since grown up into such a hot category it risks taking over this whole blog.

i’ve told the story a gazillion times but i never tire of it. One of the actresses, Gabrielle Chapin, took issue with some of my remarks in the review and she commented on her displeasure at the bottom of the post. i responded by dedicating an entire entry to her, called “Famous People Know Me: An Open Letter to Gabrielle Chapin“. This exchange sprawled into my first interview.

Yeah, i know, with the deft skill i interview all these babes with, you were convinced i’ve been interviewing hot young ladies since i staggered out of the womb. Yeah, but no. Gabrielle broke my interview cherry. She was very gentle and guided me through it and when i thought i wasn’t gonna be able to keep it up, her encouragement and patience gave me the endurance i needed to finally come through.

Anyway, when i opened up the Bar None this afternoon, guess who was waiting for me? Gabrielle. My first. She’d left a comment on that interview letting me know she’s started her own website: GChapin Studios. Would you do an old alkie a favor and stop by her site and check out some of her gorgeous photography? It’d do my liver good…

In honor of her visit, i’m reposting the original interview, which first appeared on December 12 of last year.

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