Dregs of the Week: Sept 09 – 26, 2010 (like i keep track)

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Free Lindsay!!!

The dregs have been fermenting for awhile so we got some trouble brewin’. Like there’s a catwalk in a straight line, a wine pump, getting shitfaced on piss, a new kind of suicide assistance and vampire beer. On top of that (where it belongs), i know you know we know we got Lindsay Lohan, the Bar Nun, back where she belongs.

From the juiced-box: Labelle – Voulez-Vous Couchez Avec Moi Ce Soir

[Press ‘Play’ for something that’ll make sense at the end of the commoner dregs, swear on The Bible (or, as we say in French, La Bible)]

Commoner Dregs

2010-09-07: Urine For A Surprise

James Gilpin must be from the United Kingdom or England or one of those other countries where they drive on the wrong side of the road. ‘Cause over in those countries they talk wrong too, like to be “pissed” is to be drunk, not pissed off. So, i’m thinking James Gilpeen is from there or just really drunk or pro’lly both because he had this idea which goes something like this. “Hmm, I’m a biomedical research guy and elderly diabetics have a lot of sugar in their urine so wouldn’t it be cool if I collected old people pee, fermented it and mixed it with whiskey?” Now, if he could only find a reason for people to drink that instead of just straight whiskey.

2010-09-11: DUI. In A Cop Car.

Adam Segura is running for Bar None hero status. He got busted drunk driving, but everybody and their peeing diabetic grandma does that. What makes Adam special is that he got pulled over twice, in 5 minutes. Driving a cop car the second time. He got pulled over the first time, was handcuffed in the cop car and while the cops were outside interviewing someone else, he slid the cuffs to the front and drove away. Too bad he got caught again after a couple of minutes or he would of made hero for real.

2010-09-16: “Read Me My Amanda Rights”

Sheryl A. Urzedowski is 38 which means she’ll never be a top model, at least not like the drunk babes in the collage up top. Still, it’s like Heidi Klum says, “One night you’re drunk, the next night your out”. Sheryl got pulled over for DUI and had to walk a straight line, except she did it three times with her hands on her hips. So the cop informed the America’s Next Drunk Model that she was under arrest. She insisted that the officer read her the “Amanda Rights”. Sure, it’s funny but wouldn’t it have been funnier if she said “Read me my Miranda KERR rights”. Plus it would of been hotter.

"You have the right to remain bent."

2010-09-02: Dynamic Duel

Staying with the theme of DUI, ’cause i’m all about the logical transitions, we got a brother and sister duet that i refuse to make any “shocking” puns about. Seems Darlene Neward had a glass of the Jager before heading out with her little kids and her brother. She and her bro-ski got into over something so she shot him with a stun gun. Then, and why is there never any explanation for the fun stuff, she stun gunned herself. The cops came and there was much arresting. Stunning. (Hey, i only promised not to make any “shocking” jokes.) Oh yeah, i almost forgot the worst part of this mess. You know what her BAC was? Fuckin’ 0.089%. Yep, only 0.009% over the legal limit. If you’re only gonna be that lamely “drunk”, you’re not allowed to use the booze as an excuse for your stupidity. Stand up and face the stupid, woman.

2010-09-16: Suicide Helpline

Staying with the family theme, Valerie Jenkins (56) knows how to help out when you’re feeling suicidal. Seems her husband was plastered and wearing his death colored glasses and was whining about offing himself to his tender wife. Always one to lend a helping hand, she asked her dearly inebriated if he wanted the gun. He told her he did, she went to other room and got a pistol which she tossed on the sofa beside him. He picked it up and shot himself in the face. She’s now being prosecuted for manslaughter.

Valerie Jenkins Mug Shot

2010-09-26: Cigarettes in a Pharmacy

This 17-year-old kid, Ryan Gelineau who lives in Assachussettes, burrowed through the roof of a pharmacy to steal 100 bottles of pills, $320, 4 cartons of smokes and cough syrup. Honestly, i have no frickin’ idea where to begin with this one. Should he have broke into a liquor store instead of a pharmacy if he wanted to drink? But there were cigarettes in the pharmacy, does that mean nicotine is medicine? Or does it mean they sell other shit than drugs. If they do, why did he go for the cough syrup and not the booze? Because he went for the cough syrup big time. See, he couldn’t get back through the hole he’d hacksawed in the ceiling so he hidout in a crawlspace and drank 2 bottles of codeine laced baby booze and passed out. Funkin’ lightweight. The next morning his cellphone ringing alerted the staff who called the police. Still, cigarettes in a pharmacy, there’s an odd logic in that.

2010-09-24: Vampire Beer

Not much to say about this. In a country called Belgium or Europe, they make this special beer by the light of the full moon because it brews faster. The beer is ready in 5 days instead of 7, which i guess also means the full moon period is longer in the old country than in the new land. All this BS is supposed to make the beer stronger but still smooth. The name of the beer is Paix-Dieu, which means “Peace God”, which is how the French pronounce “God Piss”. Anything makes sense if you think about it long enough.

2010-09-15: There is a God and his name is Dieu

Check this out a sec while i sit over here weeping for joy.

In this other country called France, they have an expression other than “Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir?” It goes, “Mon Dieu!” and it means “Sacré Bleu!” This is the kind of shit they say when they realize how lucky they are that they can go to any old supermarket and there’s a Wine Pimp. Wine by the gallon, or “liter” i guess because they do everything different over there. Basically, you take the mademoiselle to the store, fill her up, then ask if you “voulez-vous couchez avec moi” all over the place. Ooh la la. Or, as they say in France, Ooh la la.

Celebrity Dregs

There’s really only one story this week and you know what that is. Lindsay had a quickie in jail—in and out. Yes, the Bar None’s Bar Nun had a brush with the law but all’s well that ends well. Thank god the ‘crack’ team over at FREE LINDSAY!!! was on the case (of beer). Rather than siphon through all the news and have the re-runs here, everyone’s life’ll be easier if i just give you the blow. By blow. And then cut right to the pictures.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Our Bar Nun

i’m running out of time tonight, Barmaids and Beerhounds, so i’m gonna cut out here and hook you up with the other Celebrity Dregs later on in the week.

Bar None Dregs

Y’all pro’lly saw the previous post but i’ll just reiterate it here. Rodney over at Fernby Films was cool enough to ask me to help him out during his Worst Film Week, and if you want the worst you know where to go. So i hooked him up and he was nice enough to link me up all over the place. So you should pro’lly head over there and check this shit out.

And Rodney? Thanks for the invitation, Brother.

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

5 thoughts on “Dregs of the Week: Sept 09 – 26, 2010 (like i keep track)

  1. Al, I feel like sharing now. I once saw Lindsay. You see, this was back in the day before old ITSB hit ‘dry’ land and left his boat in the “Sea of Tranquility” behind.

    I was at my favorite Hollywood bar: Jumbos clown room (www.jumbos.com), hands down the greatest dive bar Hollywood has to offer. Half-naked ladies dancing to 80s alternative music and cheap, stiff drinks. Sure it’s a burlesque place, but it’s not an in-your-face strip club. Often there are as many women as men drinking there, enjoying the dances. And the dancers are friendly too; one had an MFA from NYU and was doing it for fun. The place is famous because David Lynch used to write there; Lemmie from the band Motorhead often hangs out there. And Courtney Love used to dance there. Needless to say, after discovering that place, I had to move far away from Hollywood in fear that I would become a permanent fixture.

    So anyway, ITSB was there with his mates swilling down the vodka cranberries (note: this was before I knew vodka cranberries were gay.) And in walks Lindsay with her friends. She was wasted. And frankly she was a bitch. Couldn’t play nice with the dancers. Started a fight with the bartender. And wouldn’t put out her effin’ cigarette when asked until she threw it on the bar. Really. I’d forgive her for everything else but the cigarette was obnoxious.

    • ITSB, my brother,

      ‘Dry’ land for In The Same Boat… you really shoud accept that invitation for guest posting i sent you in that one message in a bottle.

      Point being, i was all about defending Lindsay because she was this poor 20 something that had addiction dificulties and 1) i’m all about hot 20 somethings and 2) i understand addiction difficulties. So i see Lindsay and, even if the whole FREE LINDSAY!!! thing is tongue in cheek, i want to defend her. The only problem is, i can’t think outside her box. So if she’s a bitch, i can’t see it because i only see the hot addiction.

      But, i hate movies where hot girls get away with whatever they want because they’re hot and your comment has made me realize that maybe Lindsay is not some poor ingenue being ripped apart by society. Maybe she’s a bitch who uses her hotness as an excuse to piss on people. This weakness of mine is evident in my post Avril Lavinge Is My Pet Sin.

      i need the truth and your story goes A Long Way to reminding me that people are people and hot girls are the bitches who spit on me in high school. Sure, i’m gonna defend Lindsay in the future, but more jokingly than before.

      You, my Boat in the storm, are a true friend and i thank you for patronizing me,

      Al K Hall

  2. “….your comment has made me realize that maybe Lindsay is not some poor ingenue being ripped apart by society. Maybe she’s a bitch who uses her hotness as an excuse to piss on people.”

    Al, you have obviously never read People or Us magazines, nor do you ever read the articles where you pilfer the pictures of the Ho Han, for this is what I have been trying to communicate for a loooooonnnnnnggggg time.

    You poor guy. I mean, you were probably the guy in high school who liked the pretty girl and didn’t even realize how contemptuous she was of you for you were blinded by her fake light.

    That is the Ho Han, my dear, and I am so glad that ITSB has made you see the truth.

    *rolls eyes*

    Men’s libidos so get in the way of their brains, don’t they… The Ho Han is no tarnished angel. She spits on the true tarnished angels because she thinks she is a goddess who can get away with anything.

    She is a mean girl.

    • Hi Angel,

      Yeah, i was pretty sure you’d be pumped about ITSB dethroning the Han. It’s true that i don’t spend time reading the sites where i steal the shots from. i’ve said it before and you me well enough to know i don’t read anything longer than the label on bottle of wine. And you were also right about the hot girls in high school except 1) i realized how contemptuous they were of me and 2) now i don’t give a shit because i’m engaged to the hot girl and they’re pro’lly all old and fat and skanky and anchored with kids. Who wins now, bitches!

      Thanks for patronizing the bedroom,

      Al K Hall

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