From the juiced-box and a killer beautiful song: Mazzy Star – Wasted
[Press ‘Play’ for a taste of Hope]
In staying with the No Hangover theme of this vacation, i kept the quantities low and experimented with whatever new crap i found in the fridge. For example, i had a Warfteiner, which apparently is a Premium Dunkel. You know a beer is too good for you when you don’t know how to pronounce it. Because of this, i shall forthwith in all my Spoonertastic talents, be referring to this as Fart Wiener. Yeah, that’ll take ‘er down a notch.
So i had one of those bad boys but then i went back to slummin’ it with my Buds.
1 Fart Wiener
Pretty much the same as above, ‘cept i had 4 Buds instead of 2. The interesting thing about today was that Sea-Grams (my mom) got tipsy (she always taught me that a lady never gets drunk, she gets tipsy). i take a lot after her, apparently, because she started getting really talkative and trying to engage everyone in conversation just like i do when i drink, and i felt the frustration Miss Demeanor and my offspring feel when i’m that way while buzzing. i learned i’m not as entertaining as i think i am when i’m liquatious (liquored up and loquacious).
[AlKHallism: Special shout-out to Wayne who provided the above tree this year.]
It is now about 5pm Yeaman time and so far 505 people have staggered into the Bar None. As your tender bartender i just wanted to pop in to remind y’all that the Bar None is open 24/7, 365 days a year because fun does not take a day off so why the hell should i?
Before we get to the good shit, i got this new to the juiced-box for this holiday season: Jimmy Fallon – I’m Gonna Get Drunk Drunk Drunk on Christmas
[Press ‘Play’ for a holiday cheer]
i also wanted to thank each and every one of you personally for taking the time to make me a part of your day today*. And to show you my gratitude, i come as a very bad santa, full of Christmas Spirits and bearing gifts. Unlike the fatter guy in the red suit, i don’t give a shit if you’ve been naughty or nice (though i do have a slight preference for those of you who are naughty)—everyone gets swag here.
For example, i have the wine label wallpaper like last year, but this year it’s much more complete.
To make this image your desktop wallpaper:
Right click on the image
Move cursor to “Set as background”
For the single handed porn surfers, (because i feel you, too, but not that way) i have this for you:
Instructions same as above.
New to my sack this year, i have something for those of you who are more into candy canes than Holly bushes:
No patronizer left behind.
That’s all for today, my rain-dears. Again, i’m proud that, for whatever reason, you decided to stop in today of all days. And if you dropped by because you were feeling a little lonely or blue, i hope we were able to brighten your spirits a wee dram. Maybe you could scribble a note in the comments section to let others know they aren’t alone, too?
Take care of yourselves and each other. And, more than ever, thank you for patronizing me,
[AlKHallism: All photos link to either Naomi’s website, The National Theatre of the World website or Naomi’s IMDB page.]
From the Juiced-box and a group that Naomi approves of: The Be Good Tanyas – Littlest Birds
Wow, remember how y’all keep saying i’m funny but looks aren’t everything? Well, this time i’m in so far over my head that i’m tea bagging myself (and how do i get myself into these positions anyway?) because the woman i’m about to interview is not only funny, but she’s super intelligent and great at improv as well. Plus, she’s not even funny looking at all. i’ll say it again, how do i get myself into these positions?
Naomi Snieckus had a good part in Saw 3D, a part that was so good it was better than the entire freaking movie. Course the part in her hair was better than the whole freaking movie but there you go and if i didn’t like the movie, it certainly didn’t have anything to do with Naomi, who did a great job as an agent called Nina. Not only does Naomi / Nina get killed in a killer way, she does it with grace and style. Scared to death was i when i approached her for an interview but, just like her character in Saw 3D, she showed what she was made of.
[Beware Pronsurfers! Sorry about titling my 1st installment “XXX-Mas Vacation”. i see that about 40 people came here from a Google search of “XXX” and boy, they must’ve been let down in more ways than one. Hence, i’ve changed the title to “XX-Mas”, after Dos Equis beer. My most sincere apologies to those amongst you i misled. As you were.]
From the Juiced-box and for this holiday season: The Pogues – Fairytale of New York
[Press ‘Play’ for “You’re a bum, you’re a punk / You’re an old slut on junk / Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed / You scumbag you maggot / You cheap lousy faggot / Happy christmas, your arse, I pray god it’s our last.”]
Nothing new or real or excitingly different. Just to point out that i’ve remained hangover free for the four mornings since i arrived, but this’ll make more sense when you see the quantities i didn’t drink.
Me, Jazzman and Mingus (names i’ll be using for my kids [boy 16, girl 13, respectively]) along with Old Grandad and Sea-Grams all went to a nice Mexican place. How do i know it was nice? It had a waterfall in the lobby and was so big Jazzman got lost coming back from the buffet (and no, for you South Park fans, it was not a Casa Bonita). They had a killer all you can eat messican buffet and i had a frozen margarita to start off and then a Corono in a frosted mug with the meal. Too bad i forgot my camera, just like i forgot it at dinner that night when we had huge steaks on the grill and i had two glasses of wine.
1 frozen margarita
2 glasses of red wine
Totally uneventful as far as drinking goes. Five beers and no stories.
[Press ‘Play’ for a song from the juiced box that really has that vacation flavor. Sublime – 40 Oz. To Freedom]
Most of y’all do not know it, but i’m tending bar in a hole away from hole for this holiday season. My kids and i are staying with Old Grand Dad & Sea Grams (my mother and father). i hope to get some tending to the Bar None done while i’m away but can’t make any promises.
What i’ll try to do is keep y’all posted on what may be my Last Mind Bender for awhile, as i plan to go on the wagon starting January next year. These then are the dregs of my Last Brew-haha.
First off, on the plane, i had two glasses of wine, 1 of each color. Fortunately for all involved, i had to pay for the wine (even though it was a trans-atlantic flight) and my cards didn’t work and i only had enough cash for what you see in the picture. This prevented a repeat of last year’s Business Class fiasco which was a good thing because this time i didn’t have Miss Demeanor to babysit me.
Then, 22 hours later, my folks had cold Bud (or 3) waiting for me.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds – O Children
[Press ‘Play’ for some “mopping up the butcher’s floor / Of your broken little hearts”]
Ramblings: Rough Sects & Deathly Shallow
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a cult leader? Everywhere they go there’s all these hangers-on like martyrs on their crosses hanging on every word and no matter what the leader does, people fall to their knees and say it’s inspired but you know me (and if you don’t, pass me a glass and count your blessings) i’m not the type of drinker that’s gonna fall for that kind of prop-upganda. Because that’s exactly what this passionate play is all about, the literature, and you gotta read the instructions or else you don’t really get what all the zeal is about, it all just seems like self-glorification. So you’re drinking holy water with this leader and you seem to be the only one who doesn’t know what he’s talking about and all the people around you who’ve read the tracts religiously are enthralled like sinners on the road to salvation and you feel like a thorn in this guy’s side because the only kind of service you’re interested in is tableside. So you nod your head and play along and it’s amusing to watch the show while the faithful speak in tongues, gnash their teeth and do their dances but when it all comes down to it, the cult leader is a little boring and isn’t as deep as the glass you’re drinking from. That’s the kinda not so religious experience that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1) is like.
You want the short version of this review? Here it is: read the book or stay at home. You know me (and if you don’t just stop drinking until you remember), i read all the time—beer labels, drink recipes and wine lists…yeah, i’m all about reading—but i didn’t peruse the Hairy Bible series and it’s hard to give a rat’s ass about HP&DH1 if you haven’t read the program.
i’d love nothing more than to give you chapter and verse of the movie but i really didn’t get even an inanimate conception of what the hell was going on here. Anyway, either you read the book or you didn’t and if you did then you already know what happened and if you didn’t you probably won’t understand it any better than me; it’s just our cross to bear. Let’s just say there was lots of manifesting all over heaven and earth, plus more action than i remember in the last movie (which i don’t remember a lot of because i slept through lots of it) but not as much as the first couple ones. Also, i keep reading that this movie is the most faithful adaptation, so if you don’t feel like seeing the flick but telling people you did, just say it was close to the book and everyone will believe you.
In the old days i would of told you the effects made this special but, babes, have you checked a calendar recently? We’re way past the days of CGI impressing us and there’s nothing here we haven’t seen before. The coolest part of the movie was a low tech, 2D sequence where Hermione reads “The Tale of the Three Brothers”. The animation is rocking cool and i was really impressed by the story telling as well. Like i said before, i didn’t read the books, but if “The Tale of the Three Brothers” is an indication of J.K. Rowling-in-the-Bucks’s talent, she seems to be more than halfway decent.
My other favorite part of HP&DH1 was the cast. Helena Bonham Carter makes hideous look sexy, Ralph Fiennes is fine, Alan Rickman is the man, and Bonnie Wright is oh so. What about the Potter, the Sun and the Holey Toast (that’d be Harry, Hermione and Ron)? Like Jesus Knows Rowling, the Creator that built this Universe in 7 volumes, her characters and the actors that portray them continue to evolve with each successful effort, waiting for their ultimate ascension to elysian realms of Jesus Christ Superstardom.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shot
Yeah, yeah, like y’all are super surprised we only get one shot here. i’ll tell you what was surprising, though, Emma Watson side boob. And i’m not even kidding. There’s this one scene when a cloud or a tree or something is trying to make Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint, who i’m not even gonna exposé here, if you wanna see my Rupert shots you’re gonna hafta click here for the Booze Revooze of Wild Target) jealous so the entity puts on an en-titty show with a naked Hermione (played deliciously by the ever so legal Emma Watson) hugging a naked and hairy Harry (Daniel “I’m Not Gay, I’m English” Radcliffe). All the good parts are hidden by swirling smoke, but if you don’t blink you’ll see the briefest of glimpses of what we experts in movie reviewing refer to as “sideboobage”.
Speaking Her-miney, check out the picture over there on the left. Dollars to Drambuie you don’t know who the hell it is and i’m here to tell you her name is Susie Figgis. If you’re ever in a bar and you see this woman ask her for stock market tips because Susie Figgis is blessed with the gift. She was the casting director for the very first Harry Potter which means she’s the one who chose Emma Watson as Hermione Granger and look what a great investment that turned out to be. Emma was cute as a sprout and blossomed into a beautiful young lady which turned out better because can you imagine what would’ve happened if a post-pubescent Emma Watson (20) looked like Susan Boyle? Yeah, i know. Thank god Emma turned out like this.
i got some pretty pretty single shots of Ms Watson rolling around my drawers “down there” if you wanna scroll to check that action out.
Following Emma on the cast list is Miss Bonnie “Miss” Wright (19). She plays Harry’s love interest, Ginny “Tonic” Weasley. i like her because she’s a redhead, even if i’m not convinced she’s a true redhead, because the next best thing to a real red head is a red head wannabe. Here’s what i’m on about.
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
There’s more of the Wright stuff stuffed in my drawers at the bottom.
To change things up, we also had us some Helena Bonham Carter (44) action in HP&DH1 and if you haven’t heard me wax all over the place about how orgasmicaly cool Helena Bonham Carter is, you could see what that’s all about right here. One thing i didn’t mention before was how hot she is despite how decidedly odd she is. She put the “freak” back in “freaky”, ‘s what i’m saying. She’s the “oh” in “weird-o” and the “hot” in “psychotic”. You better stop me now because i could go on like this for days once i’m on a roll. She put the “in” back in “insane”, she drove the “screw” in “screwy” and busted the “nut” in “nutty”. Yeah, i’ll stop impressing you now to give you a taste of what i mean.
So Helena did a very cool job with her acting chops as Bellatrix Lastrange, shoving some meat into the skin deep role and adding a whole lot of depth. Plus she looked great doing it.
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
Got some more shots of she who puts the “rave” in “raving” down below, in my drawers.
First up we have the very understated performance of a very cute girl who i know is cute because she’s French and if you’re not cute in France they kick you out and make you move to Belgium. Here then is Clémence Poésy (28), who played a Weasley fiancée named Fleur Delacour.
Ooh la la. Dere are manee mohr shots of ‘er een ze drers at ze bottume.
Finally, there’s the lovely Evanna Lynch (19) who makes her appearance as Luna Lovegood. And yes she does, here’s the proof.
There’s some more Luna Tickle in my drawers.
For those of you more into magic wands than boiling cauldrons, there’s Daniel Radcliffe (21):
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
Here’s what made me say he’s not gay, he’s English; sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.
Daniel Radcliffe Gayish - Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
You know who else i think is cool? Alan Rickman (54). He’s been in all the Harry Potter movies but he’s been in some good films, too. Here’s kind of a greatest shots shot.
Drink: 0 Shots
Helena Bonham Carter & Emma Watson At The Bar None Together
Yeah, guess what, there’s no booze in this thing. The only fucking high school in the universe where kids don’t get drunk. There’s a couple potions, one of which tastes like goblin piss and makes you look like someone else but that sounds suspiciously like day-old Leffe that’s been leffe-d out over night.
Nope, the only real alcohol reference is champagne glasses that get refilled automatically at the wedding between a Weasley and the hot French toast. i’m telling you, Daniel Radcliffe’s 21st birthday party was a hell of a lot more fun, you ask me.
Daniel Radcliffe Drunk
Rock & Roll: ½ Shot
i’m feeling a little generous today so i’ll give the inclusion of a Nick Cave song in the movie a little nod, despite its being as out of place as a drunken poet at a kid’s Barbie Princess Party. Plus, like i already said, there was more action here than in the previous one (but not as much as the first couple), so i should pro’lly be as encouraging as possible and hope for the best when it comes to HP&DH2.
Boring Technical Crap
J.K. Rowling (novel Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows)
Steve Kloves (screenplay)
Directed by: David Yates
Emma Watson – Hermione Granger
Bonnie Wright – Ginny Weasley
Helena Bonham Carter – Bellatrix Lestrange
Clémence Poésy – Fleur Delacour
Evanna Lynch – Luna Lovegood
Daniel Radcliffe – Harry Potter
Rupert Grint – Ron Weasley
Alan Rickman – Professor Severus Snape
See it in the movies only if you read the book and feel the spell. If not, wait for it to come out on a double DVD pack with part 2.