Thank You, Again

Here’s the official press release. Dry as a heave it may be, but there you go:

Hi Kids,

Just to let you know, after a stay of 10 days, i’m out of the hospital and doing well. Unfortunately, the computer died while i was there (right now i’m on the expresso‘s laptop) so i won’t be able to give you all the dirt for the moment.

Please know i’ve read all your comments, even if i don’t have the time for the moment to respond, and your support in this trying time is very much appreciated. i’ll be keeping you ‘posted’.

Thank you for patronizing me,

Al K Hall

Hot Wine

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From the juiced-box and dedicated to the Lady In Red (Wine): Savanna Samson – Kiss You All Over

What does the world need more of? Sure, peace and love and multiple orgasms for men … but what does the world need most of? You got it, singing porn stars that make their own wine.

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Barhounds and beermaids, i give you Savanna Samson. This charming young lady has bared her star power in such clitically exclaimed endeavors as Poke Her, Debbie Does Dallas…Again, I Was A Teenage MILF, not to mention The Devil in Miss Jones: The Resurrection.

Even better, like you thought there could be better and there even is: This gorgeous and multifaceted starlette uses some of her less obvious talents to produce one of the finest wines in the world, Sogno Uno, which is Italian for “Dream One”. i dreamed one all right and it looked a whole hell of a lot like Savanna pouring me a glass of her own wine personally. Which would go something like this:

Gently prick the stiff tip into the meaty pulp of the cork and slowly, slowly screw it deeper and deeper until it will go no further. Grab the bottle firmly toward the top and, using a languid, tugging motion, continue to pull the cork until it pops. Collect the rich, flowing nectar in a glass, sniff its musky odor, lick the elixir with the tip of your tongue to get just a taste and then swallow, swallow it all until you feel sated with pleasure.

Now that’s how you drink a glass of wine.

In even better news: Savanna Samson will be paying a visit to the Bar None very soon. Hang around, you won’t want to miss the Booze Talkin’ with her.

The Bar None’s Drawers

Savanna Samson at the Bar None

A special thanks to Wayne, who brought this tit-bit to my attention.

Jaime Pressly Mugshot

Here’s a tune from the Juiced-box, dedicated to Jaime Pressly: Offspring – D.U.I.

[Press ‘Play’ for the freeway ride right out the trailer park]

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Y’all up for a little My Name is Hurl?

The ever so hot Jaime Pressly (33) was pulled over at 11pm last night (that’d be Wednesday, January 5, 2011 for those of you keeping score) in Santa Monica and, after failing a field sobriety test, popped for D.U.I. The po-po didn’t release her BAC , but the fact that she was held overnight on $15,000 bail implies that she was at least 0.15, which is twice the legal limit. (Cali cops usually slap 5 grand on less than 0.15.) Our hearts and prayers go out to this lady who made trailer trash sexy with her portrayal as “Joy Farrah Darville Hickey Turner” in TV’s My Name Is Earl. Keep a stiff upper bottoms up, babe.

The Bar None’s Drawers

Jaime Pressly is Golden

Jaime Pressly in the Bar None

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of TRON LEGACY

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Daft Punk – Derezzed

[Press ‘Play’ for elecTRONica–oh come one, you gotta give me that one]

Ramblings: Pulling My Legacy

Final Proof: 3 shots

You know how you get drunk with a used car dealer? He drinks cheap, off-brand beer in his beer sucker suit and looks super stylin’ except you can see the frayed edges of his fashion. He has these flashy smiles that are just as deep and half as sincere with his polished manners on loan from the TV screen. He looks like new but you can see his cracks and the stories he’s telling are recycled from when he first made them up. He’s got this shiny exterior but inside he’s getting a little rusty so by the end of his spiel you just sit back and ignore everything except how good he looks. That’s kinda what Tron: Legacy was like.

My 13-year-old saw Tron: Legacy — in English — and still said it was predicatble. Just sayin’.

Tron: Legacy looked fucking excellent. The CGI stuff was hot as hell, the colors were brilliant and the world cerated here was as out there as you can get. No, my problem here was with the premise not the way the premise looked.

As i understand the story, and correct me if i’m wrong, but a computer is like a grid and information passes along this grid. The grid is like a city and the information is its inhabitants. In the World of Tron, the 1s and 0s have thoughts, feelings, emotions and these programs don’t have anything better to do inside the computer than entertain themselves in a modern day Roman coloseum and eat roast pig. Which, sadly, makes sense if you know how badly my desktop runs.

This is the only problem i had with Tron. Unfortunately, it’s like writing software with bad code: the program may be cool as hell, but how cool can it be if it doesn’t work?

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Special Bonus Game

Playing tribute to the Tron video game, i give you here the first person RBG (Real Blogging Game). i’ve subtly hidden computer terms in the following blurb; your task is to search them out.

While offering windows on an alternate reality, the story board rated a C++ at best as it was pretty basic, but the rest of the movie had drive, rocked like a mother board and tore me to PCs. The key for the director was to monitor the special effects and to screen each scene carefully before yelling “Print”.

Find them all? Hint: there are 12 words. Answers after the Bottom Line.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

There was absolutely no replicating anywhere in the World of Tron, no bare text and no trojans. There were hot bytes, though, starting with Olivia “Girl Gone” Wilde. You may know her as “13” from House, but here she rocks the role of “Quorra”, a naive ingenue who softwears way too many clothes in this movie. You know how hot Olivia is? She’s even hot with short hair and y’all know how i hate when they try to make girls look like boys. Here’s also how hot Olivia Wilde (26) is.

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There’s some solo shots of her filling my drawers…scroll down until your drive gets hard.

Also frying my circuits was the lovely Beau Garrett (28) who played a program called Gem. And she was. Here’s how much.

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Yeah, there’ll be some more single shots of her down in my drawers.

Silken Butterflies

The closest we get to sex in the World of Tron is when Little Tron enters the matrix and these four hotties (one of them being Beau Garrett / Gem) cut his clothes off with a laser (ooh, feel the burn). Here’s the hottie countdown.

Serinda Swan (26) – Siren #2

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Yaya DaCosta (28) – Siren #3

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Elizabeth Mathis – Siren #4

More of these ladies a flitting around in the drawers—look out below.

For those of you more into Hard Reboots than Soft-ware, i got the always cool Jeff Bridges for you. Jeff Bridges (61) rocked his dual role of Kevin Flynn / Clu and there was some amazing photoshopping going on to have a younger him appear in this film along side the normal old him.

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Jeff Bridges in the Bar None

There was also Garrett Hedlund (26) as Sam Flynn. Yeah, i dunno, i wasn’t all that impressed. He had more looks than talent, but then that’s pro’lly why they hired him. Here’s what i mean.

Garrett Hedlund in the Bar None

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

One quick scene of Sam drinking a Coors. Coors, for godsake. You want a cool shot of drinking? Here’s Olivia Wilde and Beau Garrett drinking in the Bar None in another, different movie that certainly had more booze than this one.

Beau Garrett & Olivia Wilde in the Bar None

Oh yeah, i almost forgot. One of the other things computer programs do in the World of Tron is drink in fancy bars. i knew my ‘puter was lying when it told me it had a virus… This shot i’ma serve up gives me the chance to brag about Michael Sheen who plays Castor / Zuse and especially the latter. He was wicked cool channeling David Bowie and cutting the screen to shreds in a stellar performance. His dynamism set him apart from the rest of the cast and was a blast to watch.

The Bar None in the World of Tron

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

For all i didn’t like about Tron: Legcay, the rock and roll worked for me on both counts. First there was the rock and roll action of the thing which was put up on the screen in all it’s 3D, neon glory. The, add to that the score which does by Daft Punk and you get a full 4 shots. The only thing that keeps this from going all the way was the occasional downtime in the action and the fact that, while excellent, no one would ever confuse Daft Punk with real rock and roll.

Daft Punk Cameo

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Edward Kitsis & Adam Horowitz – screenplay
Edward Kitsis, Adam Horowitz, Brian Klugman & Lee Sternthal – story
Steven Lisberger & Bonnie MacBird – characters

Directed by: Joseph Kosinski

Starring

Olivia Wilde – Quorra
Beau Garrett – Gem (28)
Serinda Swan – Siren #2 (26)
Yaya DaCosta – Siren #3 (28)
Elizabeth Mathis – Siren #4
Jeff Bridges – Kevin Flynn / Clu (61)
Garrett Hedlund – Sam Flynn (26)
Michael Sheen – Castor / Zuse (31)

Bottom Line

If you wanna see it no matter what, see it on the big screen in real time.

Answers to RBG

While offering windows on an alternate [alt] reality, the story board rated a C++ at best as it was pretty basic, but the rest of the movie had drive, rocked like a mother board and tore me to PCs. The key for the director was to monitor the special effects and to screen each scene carefully before yelling “Print“.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Olivia Wilde (26)

Olivia Wilde in the Bar None

Beau Garrett  (28)

Beau Garrett in the Bar None

Serinda Swan (26)

Elizabeth Mathis

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.