From the juiced-box and NOT the soundtrack:
[Press ‘Play’ for s-s-s-s-s-some r-r-r-real st-t-t-tut-t-t-t-tering]
Ramblings: The King’s Peachy
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with English royalty—even one you’d bone? Sure, they’re nice enough as they sit there sipping the tea they spiked with Beefeater and they’re cooler than you thought because they get a little buzz on and tell a few jokes and say some shit you wouldn’t expect a Queen or a queen (hey, that’s the way they roll) to say and open up a little wider than you’d have thought possible as the gin starts diluting their blue blood, but they never truly cut loose as an English girl after three pints. Nobody laughs so hard beer comes out their nose and nobody gets so drunk they piss themselves and walk around in squishy shoes but instead, like at a British pub, the whole evening shuts down at around 11pm. You’ll be entertained for sure, but if you want a movie that’s not as flat and tepid as English beer, The King’s Speech is a royal disappointment.
i liked The King’s Speech and if you don’t believe me all you have to do is look up there and check out the 3½ shots i gave this bad boy. This movie was as traditional and respectable and pleasant as teatime, and if that’s what you’re looking for then go and see this and god bless you and all who sail on you. But if you’re looking for something with more kick than warm milk, you may find yourself less high than dry here.
Still, i had a couple favorite parts and they were this one scene where the ponce and future King (Colin Firth) learned he could overcome his stammer by swearing. The other really cool thing was his wife’s (Helena Bonham Carter) desperate hope that things would be OK for him. That was pretty touching.
The rest of the movie was interesting in a historical way because there was a lot of shit that happened in England before that i really didn’t care a lot about and this movie showed me why not. Plus it got nominated for a buttload of Oscars so it must’ve been a good movie.
Speaking of Oscars, i wanna raise a glass to Colin Firth and foremothe because he got so drunk after winning a BAFTA (the British rip off of the Oscars) that he left his statue in the bar. If that’s what he does when he wins, i’m hoping if he loses he’ll come into the Bar None to drown his sorrows.
As if that wasn’t enough and you and i both know it never is, here’s the link to Oscar’s Booze Revoozes.
Guess what, we got us some vestibule virgins… i’m carding Freya Wilson and Romona Marquez. Freya played the young Princess Elizabeth, Romona was Princess Margaret and, at 11 and 10 years old very respectively, these talented young ladies aren’t allowed any further into the Bar None.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 0 Shots
Yeah, this movie was as sexy as pre-war England. Or post-war England. Or England any time, if you want to know the truth. Seriously, when someone asks you to rank sexy places, the United Kingdom is at the top only of Tom Cruise’s or Richard Gere’s To Do list and that’s just because it’s home to Freddy Mercury, Elton John and George Michaels.
Of course, there’s Helena Bonham Carter but she can’t carry the sexy for the movie all alone, especially with all the clothes they made her wear. Sure, it was nice seeing her in a more traditional than Harry Potter and the Burton stuff, it just would’ve been nicer to see her more traditionally naked.
Here’s more action than you’ll see from her in the movie.
There’s a couple spare shots of her hanging out in my drawers. Keep scrolling down ’til you see them.
For those of you less into tongues than twisters, i got Colin Firth.
Drink: 1 Shot
Not a whole hell of a lot of that going on here either but at least it was more than the sex.
Here’s the breakdown:
- They drink whiskey from a decanter
- Expensive champagne and buckets of booze at King Edward’s Scottish party
- Beer in pubs during The Speech
Lionel Logue (Geoffrey Rush): My father was a brewer, at least there was free beer.
Lionel: I’ll just put on some hot milk.
Prince Albert / King George VI (Colin Firth): I’d kill for something stronger.
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: David Seidler
Directed by: Tom Hooper
- Helena Bonham Carter – Queen Elizabeth
- Freya Wilson – Princess Elizabeth
- Ramona Marquez – Princess Margaret
- Colin Firth – King George VI
- Geoffrey Rush – Lionel Logue
See it so you’ll have something to talk about when pseudo-intellectuals squat the stool next to yours.