The bArCADEMY AwkWARDS: The Alkies (2011 Sedition)

The Coveted Alkie

[Press ‘Play’ for an Alkie nominated song from the juiced-box: The Doors – Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar) Live in Boston (1970)]

Good Evening. You know why y’all remind me of bathrooms? Because you’re ladies and gents, but forgive me for my potty mouth. Welcome to the Rehab Center For Autists here in downtown Yeman. It’s i, Al K Hall, temporal International Functional Alcoholic Slurperson and your humble Masturbates Ceremoniously, coming to you still alive to present tonight’s 2nd Anal bArCADEMY AwkWARDS [AlKHallism: Click here for a reruns of last year’s cere-moaning].

i’d like to welcome those of you who’ve made it back from last year and to welcome the newbeers. i remember my first time—wait, no i don’t, actually. Memory…forget about it.  Why is it you can only remember the things you don’t want to? You can’t for the life of you remember what was so attractive about that person at the party who was so ugly they had to shave their asses and walk around backwards to look better, but you’ll never in your life forget the smell of the shame when looking at the hairy sack of bile sloshing beside you when you wake up the next morning. What did i want to say? Right, i keep forgetting that i have good memory.

Alright, enough monologuing. There are plenty of other things that involve mono and they are much more clothing discouraged than this thing. Besides, all these jokes sound funnier in my head and the other voices there appreciate the humor much more than y’all. You should see all the clap i got going on up there…

Just like last year, we’ll be honoring alcohol in the movies and awarding the coveted Alkie statuette for outsitting (because who the fuck can be bothered to stand?) use of booze in the movies since last year’s orgy of pride.

Ladies first, so let’s get the rock rolling with the Best Drunk Actress award. To present the Alkie, we’ve had Tara Reid delivered. Why can’t Tara Reid? Because she’s fuckin’ drunk! Seriously everyone, i’m proud—and a little dizzy from the contact blonde—to introduce you to Tara Reid!

Tara Reid: Thanks so much, Al. I just wanted to say it’s an honor to be anywhere tonight. Like you paid me for, I’m giving away the Best Drunk Actress tonight, which means the chick who acts drunk best and not the actress who gets the most drunkenest. As I’ve just discovered. Here are tonight’s anomolies:

  1. Julianne Moore as “Charley” in A Single Man
  2. Winona Ryder as “Beth Macintyre” in Black Swan
  3. Nathalie Portman as “Emma” in No Strings Attached

And the winner is… Winona Ryder as “Beth Macintyre” in Black Swan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dah dah dahdahdahdah dah dah dahdahdahdah dah dah dahdahdahdah My Winona! Congrats, babe. i’m so glad to see your come-back face. And what can you follow that with other than: the Best Drunk Actor award?

To present this year’s Alkie for the Best Drunk Actor in a Motion Sickness Picture, give it up more than even Tara Reid does for Jamie Foxx. What do Jamie Foxx and Santa Claus have in common? Ho Ho Hos…

Jamie Foxx: Ahh, dawg. You make me wanna rap you up, huh huh, rap you drunk huh huh. Rap the stuff? Uh-uh. Rap you up huh huh, rap you up oh yeah, rap you drunk…

‘Ight, y’all. We’s got us some anomalies for Best Drunk Actor in da house; which is:

  1. Jeff Bridges as “Bad Blake” in Crazy Heart
  2. Colin Firth as “George” in A Single Man
  3. Robert Downey Jr as “Tony Stark / Iron Man” in Iron Man 2

The envelope, yo, and you don’t want me to axe you twice. Oh no you don’t. And the Best Drunk Actor is…

Jeff Bridges as “Bad Blake” in Crazy Heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh man, that Jeff Bridges. Basically he spent all last year drunk in movies and i know you know how he got to “act” so good at drunk. I’ma shut up about that, though, ’cause i don’t wanna burn any Bridges.

What’s a lot more fun is to ease on down the road trip to Best Drinking Song in a Movie. Course you don’t wanna be easing down that road if my next presenter is driving on it. When he drives around he literally drives “around”, only problem is the road is straight. Certainly shitloads straighter than…Vince Neil!

Vince Neil: Thanks a lot, kids. Man, sorry I’m so late but there were all these speed bumps running around the road as I was swerving through the school crossing. I’m shit faced to be here tonight and present the abominations for Best Drinking Song in a Movie. You already heard the first one at the top of our show— “Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar)” by the Doors in When You’re Strange— and so here’s the second one that you don’t really have to listen to because it didn’t win anyway. Landon Pigg featuring Turbo Fruits doing “High Times” from Bliss.

As predicted, the winner is The Doors!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To wrap things up tonight, i’ve got big big fuckin’ news for you. Tonight isn’t about winning and losing, it’s about #winning. And getting drunk, but especially #winning with a hash mark, babes, and emphasis on the hash. Tonight’s presenter of Best Drunk Motion Picture is no longer part of 2½ Men because he’s a man and a half. Let’s here you make some noise louder than a train wreck for THE MAN, @Charlie Sheen!

Charlie Sheen: #Winning! #TigerBlood! #Winning #tigerblood. The abonominations for Best Drinking Movie of 2010 are:

  1. When You’re Strange
  2. Crazy Heart

#Winning #tigerblood #goddesses….

Crazy Heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And there you have it, another year of bArCADEMY AwkWARDS put to bed harder than Miley Cyrus stoned on Saliva. i’d like to congratulate you all for sticking with this all the way to the end and remember, you’re all #winners in my book. Course i threw up on that book in my last binge, so there you have it. Or not.

Thanks for patronizing me, Barmaids and Beerhounds…

Al K Hall

Temporal Functional Alcoholic Slurperson

4 thoughts on “The bArCADEMY AwkWARDS: The Alkies (2011 Sedition)

    • If it isn’t The Rod!

      Nice to see you back, brother. Glad you got a kick out of the post. Now if i could only score an interview with Charlie Sheen…

      Thanks for patronizing me,

      Al K Hall

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