From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: I Want It All / We Will Rock You (mash-up) – Queen (feat. Armageddon a.k.a. Geddy)
[Press Play to get it all]
Ramblings: Suck Her Punch
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a teenage boy? They get all giddy and jumpy in their seats and they can’t sit still and they’re shifting back and forth and even drooling, I swear to god fucking drooling, while they giggle with the excitement of hanging out like this. They’re funny and their excitement is contagious especially how everything for them is so extreme. When times are good they’re super fucking good and when it’s exciting it’s real damn exciting and when times are hard they are rock fucking hard. Plus every chick they see is super hot just by being a chick so it’s nice to see the feminine side through their hormone tainted eyes. Hanging out with them is a roller coaster ride, safe but wild, a pleasant trip that’ll plaster a smile on your lips and keep it there. Sure, you’re gonna hafta put up with them calling you “dude” all the time and there ain’t no way you’re ever gonna approach anything even remotely resembling intellectual stimulation but all the other stimulation they got going on is gonna last your ass the hour and a half they blast with you before bedtime. That’s pretty much how Sucker Punch will hit you.
All you need to know about Sucker Punch is that director dude Zack Snyder said he made the movie he wanted to see as a teenage boy. Hell, he made the movie i wanted to see as a teenage boy and the cool thing is i still have part of a teenage boy deep inside me somewhere that came out all over the place to enjoy this and plus even Miss Demeanor’s teenage boy came with mine at the same time.
One of the super rad things that these boys really got into was the awesome action scenes because Zack-ster filmed them in really cool slo-mo like he did with 300 last time which was a supercool rocking film like this one except rockinger. Plus the action was lifted straight from some kick ass kind of video game with levels and bosses and missions and crazy ass monsters like nazis and robots and dragons and shit.
What really popped my zits, though, were all the hot chicks walking around in schoolgirl uniforms that showed their belly buttons and they had ponytails and pigtails and all other kinds of wild tail. Some of them wore leather and pretty much any kind of sexy clothes you can imagine on a sexy girl in an insane asylum / brothel was what the babes were sporting here.
Sucker Punch is like staying up after bedtime and your parents don’t even know or the first time you see real nudity on TV or mixing two different kinds of energy drinks and drinking them both. Sucker Punch is hard rock candy with extra tat.
Don’t get me wrong, and i wouldn’t even blame you if you do, not everything about Sucker Punch flowed with the sheen of sweaty sheets after a wet dream. ‘Cause just like that adolescent boy, some of Sucker Punch simply comes across as simple. Parts are kind of juvenile and other parts are just plain stupid and you sit there rolling your eyes and waiting for the moment to pass so you can start liking the kid again.
Plus there’s tons of talking. Seriously, have you ever met a teenage boy? Try an experiment: call one up on the phone and talk to him and just see how much talk he has in him. Bet he gets bored way before you do which is exactly like me in the movie’s talking parts.
Plus there’s another part as stupid as paying to download a Pretty Reckless CD and that’s the way the bad guys chase the babes all over hell and back, shooting at them the entire time and when the girls finally run out of running room and the killer finally has clean shot, he stops and stands there and waits for another chick to come along and waste his lazy ass. God I hate that more than a drunk friend puking in my dad’s car.
The point is this: you should see this movie if you’re a teenage boy or can still access that dude in you. If you’re a chick or are prematurely dead to the point that the teenage boy inside you died then you should forget about this movie and watch The King’s Speech one more time.
Before getting any deeper into this than i need to, i hafta card the very talented and very young actress Frederique De Raucourt who stunned as “Baby Doll’s Sister” and, to the best of my calculations, must be around 10-11 years old and so is allowed no further. As with any celebrity under age here, the only photos i post are official pics from her peeps because there is nothing age inappropriate going on in the Bar None. This then is Frederique De Raucourt, and we wish her a long, prosperous and fun career. (Photo links to her IMDB page.)
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 4 Shots
4 shots and i’m not even kidding, but then you shouldn’t be too surprised if you take a look at the totally hardening cast. And all the sexy clothes and sexy action and sexy dialog and sexual inyourend-o. To understand the rating here, all you gotta do is look at the first sentence in my notes: “Barely legal all girl sex orphanage.”
So why didn’t i go all the way with this rating? Simple, the girls didn’t either. Absolutely no nudity at all in this not-bad-enough boy.
Remember how there so much hotness in the movie Nine that i had to do a special post of just the Drawer Pics? We got more of the same here so what i’ma do is uncover the actresses here and then post the full spreads in a Girls of Sucker Punch.
But before we start blowing lids and such off that, i got some Emily Browning tuneage for surfing music: Emily Browning – Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)
Emily does a good job being sexy here but then it’s as easy for her as for all the other girls here. Being cute is easy when you’re 22 and got makeup people and hair people and clothes people. Hell, even i’d be hot if i was 22 and looked exactly like Emily Browning.
As it is, we’re treated to many scenes of her running around in the Captain Miss Teen America schoolgirl’s uniform tied in a halter top so we can see that she did indeed remove any navel jewelry for the part. Apart from that, she did a good job acting, if acting means running around looking like this.
Here’s Emily’s collage, but if you want some Drawer pics, you’re gonna hafta check out the Girls of Sucker Punch post i’ll being throwing together sometime in the near future.
Abbie Cornish-chick (’cause she’s too young to be a Cornish-hen) lets more of it hang out for us here and, i’m being serious just for a second, i believe is challenged more in this role. In B.S., she just has to walk around and look simpering while here she has to be optimistic, defensive, angry, sad…and look hot while she does it. For real, Sucker Punch is more of a stretch and she pulls it off without tearing anyting she might need later. This is what that looked like.
And this is the infamous collage you’ve been counting on.
As an extra special bonus, and just because Abbie’s been so good, here’s a shot of her in the Bar None.
Jena Malone rocks and she rocks the role of rocket here in this movie. She’s arguably the best actress here and certainly the most serious. Sucker Punch was an interesting move for her after indie stuff like Saved and i guess she ended up here for her career, hoping—like her butt on the poster—to get herself out there a little.
More importantly, what does the teenage boy deep inside me think? Jena Malone is a gorgeous young lady and he’s worried about her because did you see how skinny she got? God knows i like my women skinny but healthy skinny and Jena is pushing things a little too far. Jena? Take care of yourself, babe. We like you and want you to feel good about yourself. i guess what i’m trying to say is weight is for fags (or something).
Here she is before and after… What do you think, too skinny?
As a bonus, here’s a screen shot of her and Abbie Cornish, her sister in the film…
You know how i know this movie is an intellectual movie? Because Vanessa Hudgens is a brunette and her name in the movie is “Blondie”. This is what’s known as irony and irony is intellectual.
You know what i like? i like Disney girls gone wild. Britney in see-through, X-tina drunk and now Vanessa. Vanessa went under the needle and got a butterfly tat on the back of her neck and now her agents are freaking out because she wants to go the Miley Cyrus / Megan Fox route and get mulitple (and pro’lly stupid) tattoos all over various body parts. i think i’m gonna include a tat scene in the Al K Hall remake of High School Mescaline.
Before moving on, let’s take a moment to get down on our knees in gratitude that Vaness-star is of legal age to take naked pictures of herself naked (and pre-tat) several times and post them on the internet for us.
Here’s a bonus shot for the faithful. Vanessa rocking it up with Emily Browning in the Bar None.
What can i say about Jamie that i haven’t said before? Quite a lot, actually, because i’ve never talked about her before because i had no idea who the hell she was until i started writing this review. i gotta say something though because i got to fill up this space so i can post the poster version of her at the left and i don’t want it to screw up the collage i’m also gonna throw up here.
i know, i can talk about how i didn’t like her hair too much in this movie because she wore it up. Wearing your hair up is one step away from having short hair and if you don’t know how i feel about short hair than you don’t know me so i’m gonna tell you. Girls are beautiful and guys look too much like guys for me to be interested in them physically. Having short hair makes people look like boys and girls who look like boys are a total turn off except for pervs who like little boys. Grow it out and wear it down, ladies. Kinda like this.
i bet i’m the only one here who knew i was in love with Carla Gugino. Not so much her role of Vera Gorski which was kinda fuzzy around the edges and didn’t really show off her breast side, which reminds me of when and why i fell in love with her for the first time. One of my all time top 10 favorite desert island movies is Sin City and if you don’t own it on every possible support possible go out right this second and find it.
In Sin City she played “Lucille”, Mickey Rourke’s lesbian parole officer and she had a couple topless scenes there which was just one…er, two…of the major reasons Sin City would’ve got 5 shots for sex if the Bar None had been open in 2005. Anyway, you know you can count on me to bring the babes better than they were in the movie, so here’s some of that.
For those of you more into Punches than Sucking, i got some cool shit. First off is Oscar Isaac (31) who isn’t famous enough for a real last name so he has to make do with two first ones. All this despite the exposé i did of him for Agora. What i like about him is how different he can look in each movie and plus he can act differently, too. Like he did such a good job as Blue Jones i didn’t even recognize him.
Also part of this, more as a cameo than anything else, is this guy called Jon Hamm (40) from a show i never watched called Mad Men. If you’re a girl and want to spend time with me and Jon together, leave a note in the comments section and we’ll work out a Hamm sandwich. Yeah, i know, just shut up and look at the wallpaper, K?
We were lucky enough to get a stellar silken butterfly here (and just click on the word if you wanna know what that means). Straight from stunt doubling in Twinklite, we have Monique Ganderton (30) who came here as “Lobotomy Nurse / High Roller Girl #1”.
And a first here in the Bar None… A guy Silken Butterfly only because Ron Selmour looked so damn cool as Danforth.
Drink: ½ Shot
Only 2 tiny little baby doll references to booze in Sucker Punch. The first one was Baby Doll’s step dad chugged vodka straight from the bottle after learning his dead wife left everything in her will to Baby Doll (Emily Browning) and Baby Doll’s sister (Frederique De Raucourt). The next reference was how Blue Jones (Oscar Isaac) kept drinking scotch on the rocks.
Rock & Roll: 5 Shots
A 5-shot score is as rare as a gamer with a girlfriend but at least here it’s deserved. i don’t even care if you don’t believe me because right now i’m gonna show you the shit right in your face. Here it is, Björk (featuring Skunk Anansie) – Army of Me.
[Press ‘Play’ for the shit. In your face.]
The heaviest hitting songs are the ones i already posted for y’all here, but the rock is only half. The other 3/4s is the action i was talking about at the top of the post. There are these 4 action scenes with the girls all fighting a variety of enemies and everything about them reeks of hotness: the babes, the fight, the slow motion, the special effects… More than just your breath, these scenes will take your cherry if you had it when you slipped into this bad boy.
Boring Technical Crap
- Zack Snyder & Steve Shibuya (screenplay)
- Zack Snyder (story)
Directed by: Zack Snyder
- Emily Browning – Baby Doll
- Abbie Cornish – Sweet Pea
- Jena Malone – Rocket
- Vanessa Hudgens – Blondie
- Jamie Chung – Amber
- Carla Gugino – Dr. Vera Gorski
- Frederique De Raucourt – Babydoll’s Sister
- Monique Ganderton – Lobotomy Nurse / High Roller Girl #1
- Oscar Isaac – Blue Jones
- Jon Hamm – High Roller / DoctorRon Selmour – Danforth
Take the teenage boy lurking in you to the movies.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Like i already said like a bajillion times, there are no drawer shots of the babes here. (The real drawer shots have a post of their own right here.) Still, i do have a series of posters from the movie for you to scope on. Don’t never say i didn’t ever do nothing for your ass.