This week we got the same kinda nasty dregs that float in the bottom of the Playboy Mansion
cesspool hot tub only not as contagious. Plus, i’m getting so good at this shit i even found a theme for this week’s Dregs: Drunk Baby.
From the juiced-box and The Muppet Show: Miss Piggy & Mac Davis – Baby Don’t Get Hooked On Me
[Press ‘Play’ for “Baby Don’t Let Me Get You Hooked”]
April 10, 2011: Applebuzz
There’s different kinds of underage drinking. Like there’s a 19-year-old in a bikni top and Daisy Dukes with a cowboy hat over mirrored suglasses sipping on the long neck dangling between the middle fingers of her right hand and then there’s the good kind, the Applebuzz kind.
This is the kind where you get the kid’s menu at Applebees and it comes with a free breathalizer because the apple juice has been replaced with a—no, not an appletini—margarita. This is exactly what happened to 19-month-old Dominic except different because he wasn’t my kid (that either of us knows of, although it would explain one lost weekend i spent in Detroit when i woke up on a Monday afternoon smelling like someone else’s feet and had a weird pubic hair lodged in my axilla). Dominic Dill-Reese was acting strangely after sipping from his sippy-up so his ma took him to the hospital where he blew 0.10% on his BAC. This put him over the legal limit to drive of 0.08%, so he was forced to give up the keys to his Thomas the Train Engine. Don’t even think they don’t know how not to do it in Detroit, mang.
April 5; 2011: Drinking for 2
Not to be outdone by a toddler, Kate Hudson was so jealous of all the attention being lavished on little Dominic that she went so far as Buenos Aires to take it one step further and not just feed her toddler booze but to cut out the middleman directly and serve her fetus some wine through the straw of her umbilical cord. It ended up looking something like this.
Firstable, some doctors say that drinking while pregnant even helps the baby, which i talk about here in this post.
Not only did boys whose mothers sipped on one or two drinks a week have a developmental edge, children of teetotalers performed almost as poorly on intelligence tests as children of binge drinkers.
Hell, my Mom didn’t have one sip of buzz while pregnant with me and look how i turned out. If that’s not an argument for boozing while pregnant, i don’t know my ass from this hole between my legs.
PS Speaking of between my legs, i got more Kate shots hanging out of my drawers down below.
April 16, 2011: Nick the Dick Cage is a Big Baby
Well, he started his meltdown a couple days back and he just keeps oozing and dripping. This time Prickless Cage was walking around drunk in the morning throwing his wife like she was a party on the streets and when a cabbie saw this he called the po-po. The cops catch Nic like an STD in the Playboy Mansion hot tub and tell him to chill and just go home with his wife, to which Cage-y retorts “Why don’t you just arrest me?” This is, officially, the drunk’s equivalent of “I know you are but what am I?” Proof of that tidbit is Cage repeated the line twice before the cops took him up on it. He posted $11,000 bond and is now free to abuse his wife some more because she was stupid enough to marry him and then stupid enough not to press charges.
Bar None Dregs
April 18, 2011: Thanks for the Rush
Just a little note to thank y’all for the rush we’ve had here in the Bar None over the last week or so. A week back, we had over 4200 hits two days in a row and it was a record both times, plus today we’re on our way to another day of the highest we’ve ever been. I know I keep saying it but I can never say it enough: thanks for making this place of ours such a fun place to hang out and thanks once again for patronizing the Bar None.
April 2011: Patron Saints
If the Bar None is such a great place to chill, it’s due in large part to these mother fuckers here. Their good moods, dedication and contributions are what make this, my Diary-a, so fluid. A toast then to Bats, The Rod, Wayne and Ingar for all their patronizing.
You can see all their posts by looking up the Guest Post category.