Self Unemployed: A Chalk Outline of His Former Self

Press ‘Play’ for some appropriate tuneage: Janis Joplin – Mercedes Benz

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a night on the town?

I’m counting on you, Lord, please don’t let me down.

Prove that you love me and buy the next round.

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a night on the town?

Here’s the latest photo i’ve added to my Self Unemployed: Help Wanted page.

A Chalk Outline of His Former Self

Bar None Dregs

i  forgot to mention a few weeks back that The Rod did me the great honor of posting some of my shit up over at Fernby Films even though i wrote it. It’s all about the Matrix Spillogy and is s’posed to be funny. Well, as funny as i get. Thanks, Rodney, for the place to show my goods. (That’s what Rhys Meyers said.)

Celeb Dregs of the Week: May 1 – May 21, 2011 (or there ’bouts)

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Don’t let the shot above fool you or go ahead, i really can’t be bothered to give that much of a shit. What i mean is that this week’s (and i use the term “week” as loose as Jonathan Rhys Meyers’ scratch-and-sniff after a night at the YMCA sponsored Greco-Roman hot tub wrestling festival) dregs are settling more on the men than the women. But you know me—and if you don’t you’re not reading this ’cause you got raptured—i won’t settle for that so i spent gobs of time and gobs of effort to pretty this post up a little. Still, the theme of this week is firmly Junk Male.

Here’s a song straight from the juiced-box and dedicated a little to my Male Order Bride Jonathan Rhys Meyers and ever so especially to Matthew Perry:  Sad Brad Smith – Help Yourself

[Press ‘Play’ for “I’ma Go To Rehab”]

Celebrity Dregs: They are so Takei

Way up inside my “Junk Male” issue is the notion of Femi-men, because most of the ‘guys’ licking the bottom of the barrel (ooh, there’s a euphemism for you) this week are of questionable heterosexuality. This is why i talked about “They are so Takei” in the mini headline just right up there.

You know how i know actor George Takei (aka Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu) is gay? ‘Cause he married a man.

Plus he keeps telling people about it all the time.

It seems that in some state in the USA they call Tennessee, it could soon be against the law to mention in schools that homosexuality exists. Ironic, considering i’m not even sure Tennessee exists but there you go. Anyway, this has become known as the “Don’t Say Gay” law there, so George Takei with all his interplanetary diplomacy skills has suggested we replace the word “Gay” with “Takei”. Don’t believe me? Check this shit out:

[Pressing ‘Play’ doesn’t necessarily mean you’re Takei.]

Everyone and their therapist knows that the Bar None maintains a very strict “No Haters” policy and, as such, homosexuals are super welcome. Hell, some of our best gays are friends. In keeping with this tradition, i plan to discuss homosexuality so much that everyone will say this issue of the dregs is gay. Really gay. Some people may even say this is the gayest Dregs ever.

Case in point…

May 4: My Male Order Bride

I feel an ass kickin' coming on. Where's the nearest airport?

Starting things off, here’s Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who i would have homosexual sex with if he ever became a man. The only thing hard about this guy is his drinking, ‘s what i’m saying.

This is the man who was arrested in 2009 for getting drunk in a Paris airport and beating up the waiter who intervened when Meyers started a fight with the bartender who cut him off. Before that in 2007, he was arrested for public drunkenness in a Dublin airport. Dude, if you get busted for public drunkenness in France and Ireland (public drunkenness in Ireland is a crime!? Who knew!?), for fuck’s sake stay out of goddamn airports.

Footage from the Paris Bust

Guess what, his suppressed homosexuality reared its ugly head in an airport again a couple weeks ago when, while waiting for a flight in a JFK bar, he pounded vodkas like man-holes until he wasn’t allowed to get on the plane because he was already flying. He pitched a hissy fit so hard his proxy boyfriend girlfriend screeched, “It’s either the boobs or the booze, you choose.” He, or course, chose the beard [AlKHallism: Thanks to Miss D for the vocab lesson] because he’s not ready to come out to himself yet. To prove my point, he went into rehab to shut her up. Unfortunately, he has better luck staying in the closet than a clinic because he left after 10 days for “business” reasons which really means “I’m gay and it’s no one’s business.”

P.S. He has flunked rehab four times.

P.P.S. If you don’t believe he’s really Takei, you’re gonna wanna scroll down and look around my drawers, where i keep the visual proof.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

May 2: Jesse’s Hurl

Another dude trying to drown the Takei inside him clawing to get out is Rick Springfield, who sang in the 80’s (yes, he was that gay), “I wish that I was Jesse’s girl”. Or something. Springfield was so obviously Takei that all the little girls loved him because their little cloven hearts could get all mushy without fear of actually being penetrated.

Rick Springfield Mug Shot

He got busted for DUI is why i’m writing about him. On May Day (that’s how i know he’s gay), he was pulled over for a traffic violation in LA or some place with the same spelling and cops smelled booze on his breath. He bombed the field sobriety tests and blew (he was very good at blowing) 0.10 and 0.08 on the BAC which was enough for a free trip to the pokey. The non-gay kind.

February 17: Pop Sensation

You have got to listen to this: The Partridge Family – We Gotta Get Out Of This Place

Another teen idol who was Takei enough to collect crushes like pansies on a daisy chain is David Cassidy who had his own TV show with the hotter and much more masculine Susan Dey. “Dey” which rhymes with…Takei. Anyway, he got popped too, just like Rickie, for DUI. Only his was back in February (maybe he popped prematurely?) so he already got sentenced to community service because 1) he got judged by famous people law (which is very different from the law you and i have to obey) and 2) the judge was afraid Cassidy would enjoy being a prisoner too much for it to be counted as punishment.

He pleaded “No Contest” which is legal-speak for “I can’t think of good enough bullshit to fool a jury”. The punishment for this is writing “I was a naughty naughty boy” 500 times on a billboard or some other shit as equally tame.

My favorite part of this crime was looking up pictures of young 60’s idol Susan Dey, which i’ve included in the drawers, down below.

David Cassidy Mug Shot

May 3: Desperate Souse Life

Another guy with a TV show is Ricardo Chavira who’s in Desperate Housewives as Carlos somebody and he got busted driving drunk and so what. So what is that in the TV show he plays Eva Longoria’s character’s husband which is close enough for me to do an exposée on Eva Longoria. Which looks something like this.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

As if that wasn’t enough, there are more shots of her in my drawers.

But back to Ricardo. Here’s the down and dirty (that’s what Jonathan Rhys Meyers said): Rick “The Dick” Springfield beat him to the punch. (Sorry, Rhys, it’s a euphemism.) ‘Cause, like Ricky, Ricardo 1) was nabbed in LA 2) for a traffic violation when 3) officers smelled booze on his breath and he 4) failed the field sobriety test. The only way Ricardo rolled the other way was in refusing blood and breath tests, which is actually the right decision if you’re wasted.

What i like most about this guy is that every fucking picture of him looks like a mug shot. Google his ass (and his face) all over the place, nearly every pap shot of him looks like it was taken during booking. Makes it super easy on the police and me too, because this mughsot i’m posting is not the real mug shot but is from some event that didn’ t include community showers.

Ricardo Chavira Mug Shot

May 12: He’s a good Friend

Matthew Perry is a good Friend

Chandler Bing, who some people know by his real life name of Matthew Perry, is going back to rehab. He already went once in 1997 and once in 2001 for his problems with prescription pills (bo-ring) and booze (yay!!!!!!!!!!). The good news is, he didn’t relapse, he just thought it’d be a good idea to go back to treatment before the shit hit the fan. He preemptively moved his ass away from the fan, i’m saying. (Rhys, back your ass away from the fan this instant.) Here’s how he put it (that’s what Rhys said),

“I’m making plans to go away for a month to focus on my sobriety and to continue my life in recovery. Please enjoy making fun of me on the World Wide Web.”

Only problem is, i’m trying to make fun of him but i can’t think of anything funny to say. Bastard. i mean, what’s fun about a star who realized he had problems, sought help for them and is continuing to ensure he doesn’t relapse? How am i supposed to mock this!? Fucker. All i’ll say is that it’s a damn good thing no one else in the industry is as rational and down to earth as Perry otherwise i wouldn’t have anything to write about.

For example…

March 8: Olson’s Twins Held Up in Court

Bree Olson, AKA Charlie Sheen’s #winning #Goddess, drove her Lexus into a tree in Fort Wayne, Indiana. The cops on the scene had her blow and she blew it, 0.19% to be precise, which is more than double the 0.08% drunk you’re allowed to be when you drive. This was last February and since then the court told her she can have two days in June to defend herself.

Bree Olson and Charlie Sheen's Future

What the hell is her strategy gonna be? She blew 0.19! She might get away with pleading insanity after she proves she gave up porn to be one of Charlie Sheen’s #Goddess’s. Or maybe “Self Defense” if she can prove she was trying to kill herself before she hurt herself driving drunk. (It’s a blonde thing.) It’ll be easy as her pie to prove it wasn’t premeditated because she has no brain. (Sorry, Bree! Sometimes i let my rabid wit get away from me.)

Bree Olson Mug Shot

Maybe the drawer shots will make up for my slight slight. Scroll all the way down and let me know what you think.

Tallulah near the Bar None

April 29: Tallulah Willis is Lush-ous

Lula is as premature as they come. Joining the ranks of Miley Cyrus and Emma Roberts, say hello to 17-year-old Tallulah Belle Willis, daughter to some guys named Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. She was “cited” for underage drinking, which means she got a verbal tongue lashing, after she stumbled drunk out of a car in Hollywood (and so would i). She and her big hairy posse of 2 girls were carrying 2 bottles of hard alcohol so the cops took her in. Because she’s a minor, they had to call an adult to pick her up at the station. i would of loved for that to be Ashton Kutcher but, like i said, it had to be ab adult so Demi did it.

It’s not like this was the first time, either. Check out this picture:

This is Tallulah holding ice water. Only problem is she was drinking the water because she was drunk and smoking cigarettes. And 15 years old. At Scout Willis’s 18th birthday bash. Willis’s motto? Die Hard but Party Harder.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Here is my evidence supporting the case that Jonathan Rhys Meyers is Takei.

Any questions?

Jonathan Rhys Meyers walking to the Bar None

 Susan Dey

Eva Longoria

Eva Longoria in the Bar None (kinda)

Bree Olson

Bree Olson in the Bar None with Charlie Sheen

Bree Olson in the Bar None (look in the lower right corner, if you're eyes will go that low)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Self Unemployed: Ghost of the Exploding Drunk

Press ‘Play’ for some appropriate tuneage: Black Label Society – 13 Years of Grief (from the killer album Skullage). Lyrics at the bottom of the post, yo.

Here’s the latest photo i’ve added to my Self Unemployed: Help Wanted page. i came across it on my way to work the other day and didn’t realize how brutal it truly was until i came back home and started playing with it. i’ve included a couple alternate versions as well.

Bar None Dregs

Just a little update on my sobriety. Since the Incident That Shall Not Be Named (the one where i got drunk, took massive amounts of pills to kill myself and spent 2 weeks in the hospital—but you didn’t hear it from me), i quit drinking and smoking. With cigarettes costing as much as they do now, i can’t afford to smoke and with drinking doing what it does to me, i can’t really afford to do that anymore either. May 11, 2011 was my 4 month sobriety day, s’what i’m saying.

In related news, i’ve changed the bio that pops up at the bottom of every post to reflect this new state of being me. i no longer refer to myself as “a functioning alcoholic (meaning i’ve held the same job for 17 years and have been living with Miss Demeanor for over a year now…)”, but have switched it to: “a non-practicing alcoholic (if after 30 years of practicing, you still can’t do something well, it’s best to just give it up)”. Plus, it’ll be 3 years come June for Miss D and i.

Thanks for still coming by even if i’m not cool anymore ’cause i don’t drink.

Just kidding, you and i both know i’m cooler than ever and i’ve got the goods to prove it.

“13 Years of Grief” by The Black Label Society off Skullage

Looking at the words, i think i musta confused the lyrics and thought he was saying “13 Years of Drinking”. Oh well, i’ll keep it here anyway because it’s still pretty fitting.

You’re so fuckin’ tough, so motherfuckin’ bad.
13 Years Of Grief, is all your folks ever had.
Just and ignorant cunt, talking such shit.
Tryin’ to act act like a man,
You little fuckin’ punk kid.
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Day of court, day of fear, in walks the judge.
Half a year, nothing less. No he wouldn’t budge.
Hand over your belongins, and your motherfuckin’ soul.
That’s the joy of life,
Six months in the hole.
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
(solo)
You wrecked your mother, yeah you beat her down.
Teachers can’t protect you, when your friends are ’round.
What’s so tough, so motherfuckin’ bad.
13 Years Of Grief, is all your folks ever had.
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Yeah! Son, look at you now

An Open Apology to April Stern

[AlKHallism: From the juiced-box and a personal message for April: Elton John / Blue – Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word]

Dear Ms Stern,

Wayne Buchanan, my good friend and brother from another mother fucker told me that you had contacted him to express your displeasure over an article that appeared on this website in July 2010.

What Wayne Told Me About

To begin with, i, Al K Hall, (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, am the author of the article. Wayne and Rodney, two regulars here in the Bar None, had nothing to do with that particular piece. Wayne is mentioned in that post because he led me to the pictures of kids “drunk on chocolate”. Rodney is mentioned in the post because he told me about the first article one the page: the Aussie who got drunk and petted the crocodile. Neither of them knew about your story or even read about your story until after i published it. So, please take your justifiable anger out on me and me alone.

Before i get on with the apologizing, i would like to mention for the record that i did not make up any details of the story i commented on. All of the information i used i got from a site that publishes articles about unusual arrests around the United States. In my past, when i was much more bored than i am now, i would scour the website looking for fodder for my Dregs posts.

Looking back on my article about you, i see clearly that i crossed a line. You are not the first person to contact me concerning my writing about them (Talitha Gorea did in the comments section of this post and my Booze Talkin’ Interviews started after an actress, Gabrielle Chapin, contacted me to complain about my comments concerning her movie Final Destination 4) but, rereading what i wrote about you was the first time i felt uncomfortable about something i’d written.

i try to walk a fine line between humor and respect in my articles and i clearly could not walk that line straight when i wrote what i did about your situation. i sincerely apologize for any embarrassment you may have suffered because of my words and look forward to making it up to you if you would care to explain how i might do that, either here in the comments section or in response to the private message i sent you. i would also love to tell my readers your side of the story if you would do me the honor of entrusting me with it. Please let me know.

With my most heart felt apologies,

Al K Hall

[Outro: Nirvana – All Apologies]

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of THOR

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Foo Fighters – Walk

[Press ‘Play’ for a cool rock song they tacked on during the end credits to have something cool for the soundtrack]

Check out the date on the poster. May 6, 2011. And who is it reviewing it for you now ’cause it came out early in Yeaman and i saw it last Friday (April 28)? Oh yeah, it’s me. Al K Hall. Here’s the screen shots i took as proof because i knew y’all would think i was lying about this shit.

Ramblings: It’s Hammer Time

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk and then get laid? The beginning is super exciting but then your buzz starts to wear off in the middle and your muscles get a little sore and whatever struck your anvil originally is beginning to fade like your buzz and you’re worried how it’s going to end because 20 minutes into her and you have to pee a little and the exciting images you erected at the upstart are getting harder to come by and just when you think you’re gonna have to fake it and go home with balls bluer than your ruin, you find the spark and finish with a big bang. That’s kinda what Thor was like because the beginning was hot, the middle was draining but the climax of the movie rocked hard.

Similar to the fun ugly girl near the kitchen door at the party you know you’ll pound later, Thor is pretty likeable but makes the effort to be so, which sometimes is all it takes when your beer filled hammer is no longer hanging. If your hammer wants a little of the ball and especially of the peen and you need something to claw your back, Thor will satisfy. You want beautiful CGI worlds? We got that. Effects? Just special enough. Beautiful actresses? Check. The obligatory fight scenes are obliging and the mandatory action is manly. Thor connects all the right dots to form a handsome picture without ever trying to push the boundaries of the page he’s drawn on.

Which, the more i think about it, is pretty fucking amazing because this movie was directed by Kenneth Branagh who is the only director i know who would butcher Shakespeare with Keanu Reeves just to sell a couple tickets and fuck up a version of Frankenstein starring Robert Deniro. Seriously, you’ve gotta be a shitty director to fuck up Frankenstein with Deniro. That’s what surprised me about liking Thor, the directing wasn’t too horrible. Like people behave normally and not like in the movies. For example, Thor asks Jane (who Nathalie Portman acted the shit out of) to give him a ride to reach his hammer and she’s all over it until her mentor tells her it’s a bad idea so she apologizes and changes her mind. [And this isn’t even a spoiler so stop your petty whining.]

Another area where Thor broke the mold and broke it very well concerned the bad guy. i don’t know about the original comic because i don’t read anything with more than 12 steps but the bad guy, Loki (a little overdone by Tom Hiddleston) was more three dimensional than any cartoon baddie i’ve seen. His motivations changed and his character evolved in ways more subtle than any other character inside Thor.

Speaking of, i’d like to make a toast to Natalie Portman who grabbed the role of Jane Roberts by the tits and then acted her up and down, all around, then all the way to town and back. She was so overqualified for this shit it was like watching Charlie Sheen teach Nick Cage how to fuck-up or Hasselhoff instructing Keiffer Sutherland on how to drink. Just too damn easy, is what i’m saying.

i do gotta say, though, that the CGI was fairly ginormous. i saw Thor’s hammer hanging on the big screen and that’s a pretty impressive tool he’s packing. Ever since Avatar, spectators have come to expect quite a lot from their other worlds and Thor holds up his end majestically for all to see. i saw Thor both in 3D and 2D and i’d recommend the 2D digital version. The third dimension was glued on top of the 2D version and doesn’t add anything other than a layer of caked on sheen that distracts from the cinematography (which is a professional word i try to use from time to time even if i’m not totally sure what it means).

Basically, even if you want to snag a nap during the middle of the movie, the rest of the movie was better than anything Iron Man 2 could throw up. Oh yeah, also don’t forget to stay until the very end of the film for a sneak peek.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Rating the sex is kinda tricky for a lot of reasons. Like all of the actresses are beautiful but i haven’t seen chicks covered by so much clothes since the North Canadian Amish Winter Quilt Festival. Like i discovered totally new talent but she wouldn’t even take her hat off during the whole movie. Like the lead actor was hot as hell but i’m a guy and don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.

Of course we had Nathalie Portman (29) and if you don’t know how hot she is by now then there’s nothing else i can say other than this.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

i got some hot shots in my drawers at the bottom of this post.

Plus there was the new hottie i didn’t even know about until just now even if i remember her from an epi of CSI where she plays a young fast food drive-thru window employee getting hit on by a lech who coulda been me except he was handsome and had money. Of course i’m talking about Kat Dennings (24) who was super cute as Jane Foster’s sidekick “Darcy”.

A couple things i could say about Kat are she has the coolest, fullest, reddest lips that are so lucious looking they look like lickable lip candy—yum flavored. On top of that, the special effects of Thor are super impressive because Kat’s chest is as full as her lips but you’d never know from the movie because i think they CGI her boobs out so you don’t get distracted from the movie going on around them. This is what i’m on about.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Speaking of CGI boobs, and trust me, i could all day, we also got Jaimie Alexander (27) who i really like. You might remember her from a previous post i did about her and kissing lessons. You can click on the link if you want to read the article but i aim to please so if you just want the shot here i am to serve it up.

Jaimie Alexander in the Bar None

But back to the CGI boobs. Jaimie had the opposite thing going on than Kat because with Kat they took her boobs out and with Jaimie they put her boobs in. Y’all know me enough by now to know i think this is a transvestite of injustice because small boobs rock the hard way. It went down kind of like this.

Moving on with my life, here’s the collage of the lovely young lady.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Just like with Kat and Natalie, there’s tons of drawer shots waiting for you in the bottom end of this post. Scroll all the way down, yo.

Wrapping things up with style we have, as Thor’s mom Frigga, the eternally gorgeous Rene Russo who, at 57, proves women can become more beautiful as well as more talented with age. Respect.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Drawer shots of her as well. How could i not when her character’s name is friggin’ Frigga?

For those of you more interested in “hammers” than “nailed”, we got the studly Chris Hemworth (27) who shows more skin than any of the babes here. As Darcy says when she sees him shirtless, he is most definitely “cut”. Almost enough for me to forget that i’m gonna go for Michelle Rodriguez if i ever decide to do men.

He is so goddamn good looking that i’ve even jammed some Chris shots deep in my drawers.

But he’s also no stranger to the Bar None. Here he is with his brother ganging up on one poor guy, who looks a lot like Al K Hall…

Silken Butterflies

A first in the Booze Revooze: A guy clocking in as a silken butterfly (clicking on the header will take you to the definition). Idris Elba (38) was super cool as the Bifrost gate keeper. Interestingly enough, he was also “Charles Miner”, the black guy all the women fell in love with in season 5 of The Office.

A Smoke

Drink: 1½ Shots

i pro’lly wasn’t going to go so high with this except i remembered there was a nice quote for Slurred Speeches so i decided to bump it up a shot. Other than that, there was this one scene where rednecks get drunk on Bud from the bottle as they try to pull Thor’s hammer out of the crater it landed in.

Then, Thor gets escorted out of government agency types’ care by Doctor Erik Selvig.

Slurred Speeches

Government dude: Keep him away from the bars.

Dr Selvig: I will.

Thor: Where are we going?

Dr Selvig: To get a drink.

So they go to the bar and drink Bud long necks (Budweiser is apparently the official beer of the Avengers) and then turn it up a notch to Boiler Makers until they get totally shit faced and Thor has to carry the doctor back to the trailer and this is the quote that made me bump this section up a notch.

Jane Foster: What happened?

Thor: We drank, we fought, he did his ancestors proud.

Plus they drank some mead

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

What this movie lacked in real rock and roll music, it made up for in action. Sure, there was the boring middle but the action at the beginning and the end really worked. Also, the special effects were rock and roll, too, so i can afford to be generous.

Other than the Foo Fighters at the top of the post, there was also Billy Swan singing “I Can Help” when the rednecks were trying to tug Thor’s hammer.

[Press ‘Play’ for a hand]

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: 

Comic: Stan Lee, Larry Lieber, Jack Kirby

Screenplay: Ashley Edward Miller, Zack Stentz, Don Payne

Story: J. Michael Straczynski, Mark Protosevich

Directed by: Kenneth Branagh

Starring

Natalie Portman – Jane Foster

Kat Dennings – Darcy Lewis

Jaimie Alexander – Sif

Rene Russo – Frigga

Chris Hemsworth – Thor

Idris Elba – Heimdall

Bottom Line

If you like superhero movies, you’ll enjoy getting pounded by Thor’s hammer. Especially on the big screen, but not in 3D.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Natalie Portman (29)

Natalie Portman in the Bar None

Kat Dennings (24)

Kat Dennings in the Bar None

Kat's reaction to my posting her forbidden cell phone photos

Jaimie Alexander (27)

Rene Russo (57)

Chris Hemsworth (27)

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.