From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Foo Fighters – Walk
[Press ‘Play’ for a cool rock song they tacked on during the end credits to have something cool for the soundtrack]
Check out the date on the poster. May 6, 2011. And who is it reviewing it for you now ’cause it came out early in Yeaman and i saw it last Friday (April 28)? Oh yeah, it’s me. Al K Hall. Here’s the screen shots i took as proof because i knew y’all would think i was lying about this shit.
Ramblings: It’s Hammer Time
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk and then get laid? The beginning is super exciting but then your buzz starts to wear off in the middle and your muscles get a little sore and whatever struck your anvil originally is beginning to fade like your buzz and you’re worried how it’s going to end because 20 minutes into her and you have to pee a little and the exciting images you erected at the upstart are getting harder to come by and just when you think you’re gonna have to fake it and go home with balls bluer than your ruin, you find the spark and finish with a big bang. That’s kinda what Thor was like because the beginning was hot, the middle was draining but the climax of the movie rocked hard.
Similar to the fun ugly girl near the kitchen door at the party you know you’ll pound later, Thor is pretty likeable but makes the effort to be so, which sometimes is all it takes when your beer filled hammer is no longer hanging. If your hammer wants a little of the ball and especially of the peen and you need something to claw your back, Thor will satisfy. You want beautiful CGI worlds? We got that. Effects? Just special enough. Beautiful actresses? Check. The obligatory fight scenes are obliging and the mandatory action is manly. Thor connects all the right dots to form a handsome picture without ever trying to push the boundaries of the page he’s drawn on.
Which, the more i think about it, is pretty fucking amazing because this movie was directed by Kenneth Branagh who is the only director i know who would butcher Shakespeare with Keanu Reeves just to sell a couple tickets and fuck up a version of Frankenstein starring Robert Deniro. Seriously, you’ve gotta be a shitty director to fuck up Frankenstein with Deniro. That’s what surprised me about liking Thor, the directing wasn’t too horrible. Like people behave normally and not like in the movies. For example, Thor asks Jane (who Nathalie Portman acted the shit out of) to give him a ride to reach his hammer and she’s all over it until her mentor tells her it’s a bad idea so she apologizes and changes her mind. [And this isn’t even a spoiler so stop your petty whining.]
Another area where Thor broke the mold and broke it very well concerned the bad guy. i don’t know about the original comic because i don’t read anything with more than 12 steps but the bad guy, Loki (a little overdone by Tom Hiddleston) was more three dimensional than any cartoon baddie i’ve seen. His motivations changed and his character evolved in ways more subtle than any other character inside Thor.
Speaking of, i’d like to make a toast to Natalie Portman who grabbed the role of Jane Roberts by the tits and then acted her up and down, all around, then all the way to town and back. She was so overqualified for this shit it was like watching Charlie Sheen teach Nick Cage how to fuck-up or Hasselhoff instructing Keiffer Sutherland on how to drink. Just too damn easy, is what i’m saying.
i do gotta say, though, that the CGI was fairly ginormous. i saw Thor’s hammer hanging on the big screen and that’s a pretty impressive tool he’s packing. Ever since Avatar, spectators have come to expect quite a lot from their other worlds and Thor holds up his end majestically for all to see. i saw Thor both in 3D and 2D and i’d recommend the 2D digital version. The third dimension was glued on top of the 2D version and doesn’t add anything other than a layer of caked on sheen that distracts from the cinematography (which is a professional word i try to use from time to time even if i’m not totally sure what it means).
Basically, even if you want to snag a nap during the middle of the movie, the rest of the movie was better than anything Iron Man 2 could throw up. Oh yeah, also don’t forget to stay until the very end of the film for a sneak peek.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
Rating the sex is kinda tricky for a lot of reasons. Like all of the actresses are beautiful but i haven’t seen chicks covered by so much clothes since the North Canadian Amish Winter Quilt Festival. Like i discovered totally new talent but she wouldn’t even take her hat off during the whole movie. Like the lead actor was hot as hell but i’m a guy and don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.
Of course we had Nathalie Portman (29) and if you don’t know how hot she is by now then there’s nothing else i can say other than this.
i got some hot shots in my drawers at the bottom of this post.
Plus there was the new hottie i didn’t even know about until just now even if i remember her from an epi of CSI where she plays a young fast food drive-thru window employee getting hit on by a lech who coulda been me except he was handsome and had money. Of course i’m talking about Kat Dennings (24) who was super cute as Jane Foster’s sidekick “Darcy”.
A couple things i could say about Kat are she has the coolest, fullest, reddest lips that are so lucious looking they look like lickable lip candy—yum flavored. On top of that, the special effects of Thor are super impressive because Kat’s chest is as full as her lips but you’d never know from the movie because i think they CGI her boobs out so you don’t get distracted from the movie going on around them. This is what i’m on about.
Speaking of CGI boobs, and trust me, i could all day, we also got Jaimie Alexander (27) who i really like. You might remember her from a previous post i did about her and kissing lessons. You can click on the link if you want to read the article but i aim to please so if you just want the shot here i am to serve it up.
But back to the CGI boobs. Jaimie had the opposite thing going on than Kat because with Kat they took her boobs out and with Jaimie they put her boobs in. Y’all know me enough by now to know i think this is a transvestite of injustice because small boobs rock the hard way. It went down kind of like this.
Moving on with my life, here’s the collage of the lovely young lady.
Just like with Kat and Natalie, there’s tons of drawer shots waiting for you in the bottom end of this post. Scroll all the way down, yo.
Wrapping things up with style we have, as Thor’s mom Frigga, the eternally gorgeous Rene Russo who, at 57, proves women can become more beautiful as well as more talented with age. Respect.
Drawer shots of her as well. How could i not when her character’s name is friggin’ Frigga?
For those of you more interested in “hammers” than “nailed”, we got the studly Chris Hemworth (27) who shows more skin than any of the babes here. As Darcy says when she sees him shirtless, he is most definitely “cut”. Almost enough for me to forget that i’m gonna go for Michelle Rodriguez if i ever decide to do men.
He is so goddamn good looking that i’ve even jammed some Chris shots deep in my drawers.
But he’s also no stranger to the Bar None. Here he is with his brother ganging up on one poor guy, who looks a lot like Al K Hall…
A first in the Booze Revooze: A guy clocking in as a silken butterfly (clicking on the header will take you to the definition). Idris Elba (38) was super cool as the Bifrost gate keeper. Interestingly enough, he was also “Charles Miner”, the black guy all the women fell in love with in season 5 of The Office.
Drink: 1½ Shots
i pro’lly wasn’t going to go so high with this except i remembered there was a nice quote for Slurred Speeches so i decided to bump it up a shot. Other than that, there was this one scene where rednecks get drunk on Bud from the bottle as they try to pull Thor’s hammer out of the crater it landed in.
Then, Thor gets escorted out of government agency types’ care by Doctor Erik Selvig.
Government dude: Keep him away from the bars.
Dr Selvig: I will.
Thor: Where are we going?
Dr Selvig: To get a drink.
So they go to the bar and drink Bud long necks (Budweiser is apparently the official beer of the Avengers) and then turn it up a notch to Boiler Makers until they get totally shit faced and Thor has to carry the doctor back to the trailer and this is the quote that made me bump this section up a notch.
Jane Foster: What happened?
Thor: We drank, we fought, he did his ancestors proud.
Rock & Roll: 4 Shots
What this movie lacked in real rock and roll music, it made up for in action. Sure, there was the boring middle but the action at the beginning and the end really worked. Also, the special effects were rock and roll, too, so i can afford to be generous.
Other than the Foo Fighters at the top of the post, there was also Billy Swan singing “I Can Help” when the rednecks were trying to tug Thor’s hammer.
[Press ‘Play’ for a hand]
Boring Technical Crap
Comic: Stan Lee, Larry Lieber, Jack Kirby
Screenplay: Ashley Edward Miller, Zack Stentz, Don Payne
Story: J. Michael Straczynski, Mark Protosevich
Directed by: Kenneth Branagh
Natalie Portman – Jane Foster
Kat Dennings – Darcy Lewis
Jaimie Alexander – Sif
Rene Russo – Frigga
Chris Hemsworth – Thor
Idris Elba – Heimdall
If you like superhero movies, you’ll enjoy getting pounded by Thor’s hammer. Especially on the big screen, but not in 3D.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Natalie Portman (29)
Kat Dennings (24)
Jaimie Alexander (27)
Rene Russo (57)
Chris Hemsworth (27)