Amy Jade Winehouse: 14 September, 1983 - July 23, 2011
Directly from the juiced-box and dedicated to Amy Winehouse
[Press ‘Play’ for a bit of truth]
i’m not a hypocrite. i’m not going to spew forth glorious praise and sentimental platitudes about how Amy Winehouse was a great woman. She was not a great woman. She was an incredibly gifted singer, but the talent that came naturally to her in art deserted her when it came to living.
From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: Marilyn Manson – I Put A Spell On You
i got bragging rights again. Harry Potter and the Deathly Shallows: Part 2 came out in Yeaman on Wednesday the 13th of July and i got to see it on the morning of the 14th, one full day before most of y’all. Don’t be too jealous, though, read on to see why…
It’s true you haven’t heard much from me lately about the Bar None’s Bar Nun and much of that’s because In The Same Boat talked about how he ran into her at a party (because he’s all the time hobbing his knob with the upper crusties) and she was a real prima donna bitch.
You know me (and if you don’t you oughta get your shots while they last), i’m a really super forgiving guy and i can overlook every kind of default like being a hot fire crotch who loves to party. But one thing that straightens my bender are people who think they’re better than me. Just because she starred in a Love Bug remake and was arrested for covering Stevie Nicks’ Edge of Seventeen doesn’t make her shit any hotter than mine.
[Oops, my bad, i just found out the crime she was arrested for had to do with drinking and drugs. Still, have you heard her “Edge of Seventeen”? You came to the right place, i put it at the end of this bad boy. To get your whistle all wet, here’s her singing an “original”, “I Wanna Be Bad”.]
[Press ‘Play’ to hear Lindsay get her wish]
On June 29, 2011 Lindsay Lohan was able to go home after being released from her…home. Your chance to go to her place and tell her that her home cooking tastes like prison food is officially over. Too bad you didn’t do that on June 13, when the Bar Nun had a party and got her petite wrist slapped for having a Girl’s Prison Party, which, ironically, is also my favorite movie of 1974.
Lindsay and the Lo-Los
So Close to a Moment It's Criminal
Yet the powers that bleed (and if you know what that means, please explain it in a comment below because i’m as lost as virginity at a frat kegger in Cancun) did not want her to suffer the punishment of being grounded any longer. Another point in 190 proof is that she set off her alcohol alarms all over the place with her ankle jewelry ballin’ chain and the judge tried to throw the book at her but she was so damn squirmy that she wrangled out of that hold and ran for the freedom line.
So, let’s have a Lindsay Lohan is Free and Cheap Party. Here are the tunes…
…and i’ve got just the drink.
When You’re Rich Enough to Drink the Very Best…
drink it, and not this shit. Luxor, so tacky it’s named after a Vegas hotel, decided to add another bling to “bling bling” and came out with Bling Bling Bling Champagne.
Which looks something like this.
Is That Dirt?
Guess what. It’s not dirt. Look again…
No, it’s not dust… Once more.
Yes! 24 karat gold flakes you can drink, but don’t worry, it still tastes like shit. At least it’s overpriced, only $253 a pop. Emphasis on “Pop”.
Just when you thought you couldn’t find a kitscher way to brighten up the trailer.
Bar None Dregs
A drink to sobriety… Let’s hear it for Bats, my dear friend over at The She Chronicles, who just celebrated 2 years without a drink. Well, she had stuff to drink, it’s not like she went 2 years without any liquid whatsoever or else i’d have bumped this part up a little bit on the page. Still, 2 years without alcohol, 2 fucking years, is an incredible feat and i want to congratulate her for hanging in there and thank her for her support of me and the Bar None.
Next up, i just hit 6 months sober last Monday. i won’t babble on too much about this, i’d just like to say that AA has been an amazing experience and i’m grateful for all the support i’ve gotten in the rooms and from y’all here in this room. To congratulate myself, you may have noticed i changed the header from “Diary-a of a Chronicle Drinker” to “The Bar None–High and Dry”. You know, because i’m dry and still acting like i’m high.