Here’s a shot straight from the juiced-box and dedicated to Paz de la Huerta: Cat Power – Lived in Bars

[Press ‘Play’ for Musical Bars]

What’s more fun than talking about Paz de la Huerta’s lopsided boobs with a cute Australian after seeing Limits of Control? Nothing. But maybe what follows comes a little close.

Paz de la Hurt-a

Paz and i have a different idea of what constitutes hitting on girls in bars. My idea is getting all sloppy drunk and pouring myself like a pee stain into some random lady’s lap until she brushes me off or gets her boyfriend to rub me out. For Paz de la Huerta, however, “hitting on a chick in a bar” involves fisticuffs and broken glass.

Take what happened in the Standard Hotel in NYC in March, for example. Paz was all partying, sweet and innocent like, and then did something that turned out to be a lap dance if “lap dance” means falling into a table and landing on your ass in someone’s lap and it always has for me whenever i try shit like walking while drunk.

[AlKHallism: Here’s some footage of Paz falling down after getting refused entry at a Golden Globes after party. She tears her dress and ends up putting on a Golden Globes show of her own.]

So when Paz fell, some annoying bitch named Samantha Swerta calls out, “Triple axel!” like it’s all funny. Except when you’re drunk, your drunk shit is funny only to other people and it’s these times when you have lost all your pride you decide to defend it the most. So Paz—which means “Peace” in Spanish— walks up to Swerta-god and hurls a wine glass at her leg and then punches her in the face.

What’s even better than that? A sober (that’s what the paper’s say, babes) Lindsay Lohan (our very own Bar Nun) was hanging with Samantha Sweaty and helped her pull shards of broken glass out of the gashes in her bleeding leg.

Afterwards, the SS pressed charges and Paz was called into the police station not, as you and i would expect, to receive a medal of valor for abusing an MTV Reality “star” (and i use the word looser than my morals after a fifth of cheap mezcal) but to actually be reprimanded. Looks like Paz will plea bargain that shit down to a fine and a day of community service, which i’m hoping will be to wail on more reality whores because that’s the biggest service to a community anyone could perform short of finding interesting things on which to rub her lipstick off.

i got my shit for this post over at OMG! and Associated Press, if you care.

Bar None Dregs

My greatest friend and oldest enemy, Saint Pauly, has posted another one of his review thingies over at WTF!?.  This time it’s about Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen if you got nothing else to do for the next 15 minutes.

In other news, i got my 6-month chip from AA last Saturday. For those of you wondering what that looks like…

Bar None Drawers

Paz de la Huerta (26)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.