Commoner Dregs of the Week: September 11-17 (or the balls park)

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

The Dregs have risen again and i know because they’re floating all around me. They’re floating in Ukrainian beer baths, sticking to James Bond drinking gadgets, spewing out of glove compartments, hanging out dead in strip clubs, drinking to not drinking, pulling out their own teeth and so much more other shit you won’t believe unless you read on.

Dedicated To Katherine Goldberg: Billy Joel – Captain Jack (Live)

[Press ‘Play’ for Captain Jack to get you high tonight…]

Commoner Dregs

September 9, 2011: You Smell Like A Brewery

They got more in the Ukraine than just a population of hot women who look like jailbait and can drink you under the table before marrying you for your papers so they can detour the whole white slavery route in order to escape to a country whose major industry isn’t sexual tourism. However, in case you don’t know what that looks like, here’s a wallpaper i made simply by Googling “Young Ukranian Brides”. So all of these women in this picture are available to the highest bidder.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Like i said, though, they got more than this because they also got baths. And before you go getting all smarmy and making all kinds of racist jokes, yes, i’m positive they have baths. They even go so far as to have beer baths because the oats and bubbles are supposed to rejuvenate the skin and the yeast is supposed to infect you with energy. Shit, if taking a bath in beer is that beneficial, imagine what would happen if you ingested it orally.

There’s some single shots of Ukrainian babes and the Ukrainian Babe President filling my drawers down below.

September Whenever: Jim Bond

From Russia With Drugs (OK, the Ukraine) comes The Spy Who Drunk Me. For Your Ice Only this is a License to Swill. This here’s a breathalyzer jacket so that if You Only Drink Twice from a Bottle of Solace, sipping some of that Vodkapussy, that you live to Rye Another Day and not Gin and Let Die.

What else do i got for The Man with the Golden Rum? The perfect accessory for the breathalyzer tux: Bottle Opener Cuff Links.

September 16: Dead Drunk

Ooh, someone needs a stiff drink.

Here’s a good idea for a movie that i just had. Let’s say there’s this one guy who’s poor so he has to crash at his buddy’s house ’til he gets on his feet but comes home to find the nice buddy will never get on his feet either because he’s now dead. With me so far? Ok, Po’ Boy (aka, Robert “Not So” Young) dumps the body in the car and hauls ass (and the dead ass) over to a restaurant where Mark Rubinson works and i’m guessing it’s not as “Resident Genius” ’cause “Not So” Young and Rubinson “Cube Head” drive the body to a couple restaurants and leave the corpse in the back seat of the car because they don’t even have to roll the windows down a crack.

Robert Young & Mark Rubinson Mugshots

Then in my terrific movie idea, they ditch the corpse at his house because who would want to take a stiffy to a strip club? And that’s exactly where they go, someplace called Shotgun Willie’s, and they’re not as stupid as i originally thought because they take the dead guy’s bank card because the last lap dance will be on him (figurely speaking, of course). The movie ends when the strip club closes and the guys flag down a cop and say there might be a dead guy back at the house. The End.

Hey, y’all? If i die and you find my body, don’t you dare treat me the way these guys treated their buddy. You damn well better take my ass into that strip club if you’re gonna use my fuckin’ money. If you leave me at home, i’ll haunt your ass for eternity.

[See that, bitches? The first journalist ever to write about this story and not make a reference to Weekend At Bernie’s. BOO-YA.]

September 1: I’ll Drink & Drive To That

As if her being young, sexy and drunk weren’t enough…

i mean, Kaitlin Rymaszewski would’ve earned a place in my heart and in these Dregs just for being hot, 22, and having a name that could choke Linda Lovelace—the irony of her story is just cream on top. She’s driving down the road, speeding, and when she sees the cops she starts braking and turning and turning and turning but the police catch up to her and pull her over.

Kaitlin M Rymaszewski Mugshot

The officer approaches the vehicle, smells alcohol and sees beer pouring out of the glovebox. Inside it is an open Bud Lite tall boy that she got as a present for completing an alcohol-education program she had to attend because she was busted for drunk driving in March 2011.

i can see why she got the certificate, though, ’cause she knows a whole lotta shit about booze.

Kaitlin, babe? You out there? Can i interview you for the Bar None?

September 15: What a Boner

It must have been hard for Gene Boner. Captain in the police department, this cock-up came prematurely off the road because he was drunk up to his Blue Policeman Balls. Let’s hope he gets the stiff punishment he deserves.

Gene Boner Mugshot

September 14: D.I.Y. Dentist It Yourself

You know how you sit around your place drinking and telling yourself that you’re not an alcoholic because there’s tons of alcoholic shit you ain’t never done? Here’s something you can add to that list.

After Francisco Rojas’ wife called 911, the police arrived to find a drunk man in his garage trying to pull out his own tooth with a pair of pliers. The room was full of the stench of the vomit he was able to extract tons easier than the tooth.

Francisco Rojas mugshot

Here’s something i don’t recommend you say to the police when they come to your garage:

This is my fucking house, I can say and do whatever the fuck I want. I’m fucking drunk and you can’t do nothing about it.

Especially because they will do something about it, like raise the garage door because of the puke stench and when they do all the neighborhood kids are gonna be standing in the driveway for the show and that for sure is gonna make you wanna say something like:

Fuck you, Mr. King. Take me to fucking jail.

This might pose a problem as none of the the cops are named Mr King and they really didn’t want to take you to jail in the first place but you just left them no other fucking choice, did you?

See how much you’re not a real alcoholic?

i think i know what happened here

September 14: Flying High

Yeah, like you’ve never been drunk on an airplane before. i know y’all don’t remember and care even less but three years ago i drank all kinds of shit in first class but i never once grabbed a guy’s dick, not even a flight attendant’s no matter how cute he was and if you don’t have photos, it didn’t happen.

Yes, i Drank All This In One Flight

Unfortunately, Katherine Goldberg can’t say as much because she drank a pint of whiskey and told this guy stewardess who was probably gay anyway that she wanted his tube steak for dinner and her pie à la moded for dessert before she went all off on his crotch by groping his not-so-easy jet. Everyone knows how hard it is to get any kind of service in a plane and this case was no different. Apparently the friendly skies are less and less so because the guy refused to press anything but charges.

That’s something else you never done, too, so you really must not be an alcoholic. See what kind of public service shit i offer up in the Dregs?

Bar None's Artist Hallucination Of Who Went Down

Celebrity Dregs

Coming soon to a blog near you.

Bar None Dregs

September 19: A New Barmark

i’d like to take a minute to thank all you readers, oglers and drunks for making the Bar None the most popular unknown bar blog in the universe. On Monday of this week, more than 5000 patronizers stumbled into the Bar None for the first time in the history of the Bar None. Y’all are the best and rock the hard way.

Click on it if you don't believe me

September 09: No, i didn’t forget

i remember very well that Miss Demeanor made an honest man out of me by officially becoming Mrs Demeanor in a justice of the peace’s office here in Yeaman. i just didn’t tell you guys until now. And there was much rejoicing.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Drunken Baths for Dirty Minds

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Ukrainian Girls

Yulia Tymoshenko

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of BLACK SWAN

From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: Natalie Portman – Uncensored Rap

[Press Play for THE Natalie Portman rapping, “Shut the fuck up and suck my dick”]

Ramblings: “Black…” is Beautiful

Final Proof: 4½ Shots

You know how it is when you get drunk and look in the mirror? You look normal and you look normally when you catch your own eye as you stagger past the glass, but it’s like one of those words you repeat over and over again until it no longer makes sense ’cause your face melts like ice in bourbon into that word you no longer recognize so you keep staring, waiting to see something familiar but the longer you look the more of a stranger you become so you start talking to yourself and when the reflection of yourself doesn’t answer you flip it off and then you reach the point where you forget who is who and which one is you, the ass or the bastard behind the glass and if you’re really shattered you fight the reflection with your fist in your face so that you and the glass are both cracked and bleeding. That’s exactly the kind of reflections Black Swan will leave you with.

Black Swan is what we in the movie business call “fuckin’ good” and just stop me if I start getting too technical for your lay asses. Why was it fucking good? Because it wasn’t perfect but tried to be.

There’s this quote and I’m pretty sure it’s by Bono where he talks about John Lennon and Bono says what gets him isn’t how Lennon hits the note perfectly, but the way his voice cracks when trying for it. Black Swan is that perfect crack. Because the movie isn’t perfect, but it strives to be.

Dark and intense like any woman worth my salt, Black Swan takes us on a tour of broken glass on the other side of a jagged mirror. It’s edgy, sharp and perversely intimate.

One word about Natalie Portman before we move on to the good stuff (or at least the better than shit stuff). i know there was some trashed talk about how she didn’t really do the dancing and rather than give more attention than i already haven’t to some unprofessional dancer looking to time lease her 15 seconds of infame, i’m gonna steer you to an article where the director details exactly how much tiptoeing Natalie did through the tulips. i’m also gonna add that no matter how much dancing Natalie did, she still rocked the tutu off the role and owned the Oscar even before she won it. Then, when you realize she actually did most of the steps, you rise to your feet in misty eyed spontaneous applause.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 4 Shots

There’s so much going on here i don’t know which chicken to choke first.

Let’s start with Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman was bendy as a red hot twizzler in this movie and just as tasty. Not only did she go there, she went there, danced on it, broke it, fixed it and brought it back. She fucking owned it and by “it” i mean “everything”, including the sex and you had to know that’s where i was going because i just gave a 4-shot sex rating.

For example, we start off with Natalie in panties and covering her own boobs with her hands, and from there it only goes up and “up” is the direction it goes, ’cause there’s a scene of Natalie beating off in bed and then beating off again in the tub so that she can make the switch to Bad Swan and you so want to be with NP when she’s Bad Swan because you get to spank her little tutu.

i’m gonna toss up the mandatory collage/wallpaper and then i’m gonna stick some single shots of her deep down in my drawers.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

i see your Natalie and raise you Mila dollars.

Here’s what i think is cool, any woman’s whose last name can be used as slang for the female sex organ. Like “Kunis”. As in, “Get a load of that Kunis.” There was Kunis galore in Black Swan, let me tell you. In addition to all the hot, sweaty Kunis this film oozed with, there was some lesbian Kunis. Was it fantasy? Was it real? Was it a dream? Do we care as long as they show it? They showed it all right.

They showed everything from Mila and Natalie kissing to Mila eating out and i don’t mean at a restaurant unless we’re talking about the smorgasbord between Natalie Portman’s thighs. Here’s an eyeful of that but don’t look too long or your eyes will get steamed up.

It’s a little anti-climatic, (get it?—nope, not if it’s anti-climatic), but here’s a Kunis wallpaper and there’s more to come in my drawers.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Then, just when you  thought it was over, there’s some of my Winona…

…who wasn’t so hot in the movie as she was drunk  but then there’s a certain charm in that as well, am i right? If you’d like to Ryder, there’s single shots of her filling my drawers.

For those of you more into Peacocks than Swans, here’s some Vincent Cassel action.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Here’s a bonus shot that will serve as a nice entrée for the Drink part of my show…

Winona in the Bar None - Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

A Smoke

Drink: 2 ½ Shots

Black Swan was a little weak on the booze, but then i get that the focus of the film wasn’t alcohol and, if you look at it from that perspective then there was a goodly amount of drink and drinking.

‘Cause like Winona’s character, Beth Macintyre, is an alcoholic and they have her drinking a lot. Like almost all the time. While i’m on Winona, she did such a good job acting drunk in the movie that she came away with the Alkie for Best Drunk Actress in the 2011 bArCADEMY AwkWARDS.

Here’s the rest of the blow by blow:

  • Thomas Leroy (Vincent Cassel) makes a toast to Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman) with champagne
  • Lily (Mila Kunis) takes Nina out for a drink

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

Sure, there wasn’t a lot of rock and roll music in the movie, but i’m here to tell you this movie was wall to the balls to the wall Rock and Roll in its own personal way.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Screenplay: Mark Heyman, Andrés Heinz, John McLaughlin
Story: Andrés Heinz

Directed by: Darren Aronofsky

Starring

Natalie Portman              …           Nina Sayers

Mila Kunis           …           Lily

Winona Ryder   …           Beth Macintyre

Barbara Hershey             …           Erica Sayers

Vincent Cassel  …           Thomas Leroy

Bottom Line

See it. Just shut up at do it. What are you still doing here? Oh, the drawer shots, right. OK, but see it right after the drawer shots and no dilly dallying mister.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Natalie Portman (30)

Mila Kunis (28)

Mila Kunis in the Bar None

Winona Ryder (39)

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Or, if you’re looking more for A&T (Alcoholism and Treatment) than T&A:


Dregs of the Week: September 4 – 10 (and whenever)

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

We got us some of those nasty, vampire dregs this week ’cause some of those featured here really suck. There’s this 20-year-old who ate a man’s head, a drunken moose that mounted a tree, skinny vodka that isn’t, a new definition of DUI (Disney Under the Influence), Amy Winehouse’s bust, a renegade stripper, Pokemon alcohol, and a toothless Evan Rachel Wood. Plus even more dregs you can suck on ’til your sick.

From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Shelby “Cobra” Spalione: KSM (her Disney band) – Magic Carpet Ride

[Press ‘Play’ for Little Red Riding Hood does Big Bad Steppenwolf.]

Commoner Dregs

Sept 01: Thinking On His Seat

Don’t you hate it when you’re in Kentucky? And don’t you especially hate it when you’re in Kentucky sitting on a bar stool in the parking lot (because that’s what passes for a terrace in Kentucky) and some guy decides he wants to park it on your stool? The only problem here being “it” doesn’t refer to his ass but his Chevy S10 pickup. He drives right at you so you hop off the stool at the last second and James T Lee crashes into the building. He gets a stool sample stuck in his grill and a trip to jail because it was his fourth fucking arrest for drunk driving and you’ll never guess what he blew on the BAC so I’ll tell you, it was 0.236 which is three times over the limit, even in Kentucky. How drunk is that? Look at the picture in his mugshot–he’s fuckin’ cross-eyed drunk.

James T Lee Mugshot

September 07: Alcoholic Anonymoose

If you’ve ever, even once, drunk too much then you flirted with someone you shouldn’t have. Hopefully, however, it was with a member of the same species. There was this moose in Sweden that had one fermented apple too many and decided to mount a tree. This is a scoop, beermaids and barhounds: the moose wanted to fuck the tree. None of the other, reputed journals caught this but i picked up on it like a millionaire in a brothel. i mean, look at the tree. The branches look like antlers and the split trunk looks like two wanton moose legs. You’re a drunk moose in the middle of the night—you’d hit that. i know you would.

September 8: Pukemon

After Bulltinkle up there, let’s stay with the kiddie theme long enough for me to tell you that you can puke up Pokemon Character Evolution Themed Drinks.

There’s Charmander, Charmeleon, Charizard

There’s Squirtle, Wartortle, Blastoise

There’s Bulbasaur, Ivysaur, Venasaur

Plus you should mosey on over to The Drunken Moogle for tons of other themed drinks.

Amateur Stripper

September 07: Open Pole Night

There’s this strip club called Baby Dolls in Florida, yeah, the one near the freeway, i knew you knew it, where this 25-year-old went to celebrate her version of amateur hour by getting drunk, walking into the club and stripping right there, even if she didn’t work there. You gotta love her spunk and salacity because she started bitching out the other dancers and yelling at the patrons to cough up something other than their special sauce. Here’s what it looked like when the cops came and made her put her clothes back on.

Natalie Behnke Mugshot

Oh yeah, i’m also gonna stick some other stripper shots in my drawers ’cause i’m generous like that. Scroll all the way down until you hit “bottom”.

September 9: Face Off

Josephine Rebecca Smith, 22, does not know how to give head. What happens when a vampire tries to suck face? She walks up to a 69-year-old dude asleep in his motorized wheelchair on the doorstep to a Hooters, climbs on top of him, says “I am a vampire, I am going to eat you” and then starts munching. She takes chunks out of his face and lips before taking off. Finally, the police catch up to her and drive a stake through her heart. Nah, just joshing, they arrest her for a whole bunch of shit, including an open container.

i’m keeping a drunk Goth shot in the drawer, but before that i got this.

Josephine Rebecca Smith Mugshot

September 08: Skinnygirl is a Big Fat Liar

There’s this kind of vodka called Skinnygirl and i’m fascinated that a national brand of alcohol would try to inebriate women stupid enough to believe they can loose weight with booze. All you women who are on a vodka diet, please come over to Yemen and we’ll work out a workout. Until then, i’m afraid to be the one to break the news to you that Skinnygirl Vodka has an artificial preservative in it. Yes, horror of horrors, this vodka is not the health drink we all naturally assumed it was.

My Favorite Way To Enjoy A Skinnygirl: Lying Down

A Real Skinnygirl

Celebrity Dregs

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

September 11: DWI: Disney While Intoxicated

You know that huge super famous mega band KSM? Remember how they were a Disney formed Go-Gos cover band? Recall, if you will, that heartbreaking moment that defined not only a generation but a century: Where were you when you learned KSM had broke up?

Well, hold on to your mouse ears, Muscadeteers, because tragedy has struck again. Shelby “Cobra” Spalione, lead singer and guitarist of KSM was busted last night (Sept 10, 2011) for DUI. Cops pulled her over for a seatbelt thing and smelled AlKHall on her breath so they gave her a BAT test and she scored 0.15%, which isn’t bad considering it’s twice the legal limit and only 3 points less than her age. Yep, Shelby’s a rocking 18.

So here’s my idea for a realty show. We get famous people and film them while they match their Blood Alcohol Content to their age. Can you imagine Selena Gomez at 0.19%? Taylor Swift reaching 0.21%? Or if you don’t like that idea, i got this other concept called “Disney Girls Gone Wild”. Sleep on it, you’ll let me know.

i got another shot of Cobra snaking in my drawers, down there.

September 9: Amy Winehouse is Busted

Before i waste space about that, though, i just wanted to point out that Amy’s dad said Amy Winehouse did not have any illegal substances in her body at the time of her death. She had all kinds of nasty shit, like that greasy British fish and shit and warm flat beer they call bitter, but no narcotics.

What she did have was something called Librium, which is apparently a drug for recovering alcoholics to help them with seizures during the DTs. According to Wino’s House, she died from a detox seizure. Recovery can be killer, yo.

Now, what about her being busted…

September 07: Even Rachel Would

How do I know French people can’t dance? Evan Rachel Woody was partying in Paris and some guy on the dance floor flapped his elbow and knocked her tooth out of her mouth. i’m no Mikael Molotv or whatever, but i never gave anyone a permanently disfiguring injury while dancing. The only thing i ever cut was a rug, ‘s what i’m saying.

Here’s The Bar None’s Artist Hallucination of what that mouth must look like.

Evan Rachel Wood at 11

And here’s what that looks like now.

Evan Rachel Wood in the Bar None

We got some more Wood shots in the drawers.

Bar None Dregs

A couple new posts over at the sobering site. Don’t go there unless you’re looking for some serious shit.

On the lighter side… That Saint-Pauly fuckup has put together a new post about the Emma Stone vehicle, Easy A.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Amateur Strippers – Dedicated to Natalie Behnke

Drunk Goth – Dedicated to Josephine Rebecca Smith

Shelby “Cobra” Spalione (18)

Evan Rachel Wood (24)

Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson in the Bar None

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Dregs of the Week: Aug 28 – Sept 03, 2011 (and thereabouts)

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Because if i don’t bring up the dregs, no one will. Like here i got a guy who had all his orifices occupied while driving, a thief who could’t keep his pants on or his beer down, Shia pet exploding all over Marilyn Manson and a brief appearance by Jane Lynch before i give the floor show to Heather Morris only because i can.

From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Jane Lynch: The Cast of Glee – Tik Tok

Commoner Dregs

August 24: Multi-flasking

George E. Howard Mug Shot

Here’s a guy who wants to try everything once before he dies, plus he wants to try them all at once—and while driving. George E Howard (aka Paul E Chronic) was driving erratically while sucking a beer so the police pulled him over. When they approached the car, they saw a woman’s head resting on the happy place in his lap. The officers told old George E to get his ass and the rest of him out of the car and when he did his pants fell down to his knees. George admitted to simultaneously drinking, driving, fucking and doing everything  any other 58-year-old could ever hope to do in a year, then proceeded to fail the dreaded field sobriety test while his girlfriend unsuccessfully attempted to hid the beer can under her dress. Yes, he got arrested, but is that all you learned from this?

August 24: Arrested By His Pants

The video can say a lot more about this than i can. Miguel Ortiz went to shoplift some beer and this is what happened:

Click on the Pic to See the Vid

All you really need to know here is that this ass-pants got arrested. Don’t believe he’s an ass-pants? He did all of this for Bud Lite.

Celebrity Dregs

August 28: Same Shia, Different Day

Shia LeButt erupted at an event in a box called The Box in L.A. and i just know they’re bummin’ i thought of the name The Bar None first. Still Shia Pet got super drunk on pro’lly wine coolers and started spitting water he sipped from a bottle on his girlfriend’s leg and whenever i try shit like that i suddenly don’t have a girlfriend anymore. But LeBum gets a pass because he’s famous and girls’ll let you do whatever the fuck you want if your famous because famous people are better than you and me otherwise they wouldn’t be famous.

You know who was pissed off as well as ‘pissed’ on, though? Marilyn Manson. He was sitting at the table with his girlfriend and Shia spit on him and Marilyn was all, like, miffed. So Shia ran away and his girlfriend followed him because that’s what women do when you’re famous. Even if you look like this.

Shia and His Girlfriend (maybe not)

August 22: The Uh Glee Truth

You know Jane Lynch from Glee? She’s the one who plays Sue Cunningham, the cheerleader coach. Which is probably a job she’d like in real life, what with her being a lesbian and all. Lesbian, as in “I’ll have the tuna for Lynch.” Or “All You Can Eat Lynch Special for Seniors”. Anyway, guess what else but i know you already know so just stop playing and sit back and enjoy the wit while it lasts.

Jane, at 51, has been dry for 30 years and even goes to AA, which i’m sure must be cool despite my going there for going on 8 months now. But, in order to sell a few extra copies of some book she’s peddling, she came clean about sipping NyQuil before bedtime, not really thinking about the alcohol content . The article doesn’t say if she stopped or not. Or how many extra books the publicity from the “shocking revelation” pushed.

The Bar None's Artist Hallucination

The good news is that Heather Morris, who plays “Brittany” (or something) on the show, looks shitloads better in a bikini than Jane so i’m going with her for the photos. Plus, Heather drinks. Here’s what that’s about.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Not only that, she may not be a lesbian, like Jane, but she plays one on TV.

And let’s not forget the huge scandal about Heather being the poster child for Domestic Violence.

There’s tons more shots of her filling my drawers. Just keep scrolling down til you find the happiness.

Bar None Dregs

You know how i’m not busy enough, right? In honor of that and the fact that i don’t have enough to beat myself up over not doing, i’ve decided to open another bar Blog. It must be real because it even has its own domain name. Check out alkhallanonymous.com for the softer side of sobriety.

Al K Hall-ic Anonymous is a place where i can share more of the personal shit going on with my recovery and not worry about sounding like a wuss.

Also, that annoying little Saint Pauly kid posted another one of those things that can’t be called a review. It’s on a Nick Cage wreck called Season of the Witch. Check it out, you don’t believe me.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Heather Morris (24)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.