Happy Hallowine in the Bar None

Heidi Klum: Beauty is Only Skin Deep

Welcome to my nightmare…

[Press ‘Play’ for a Trick and a Treat all in one]

So i’m gonna do something i haven’t done in a while if you consider “ever” a while. Tonight i’m going to decorate the Bar None for Halloween. So come on in, get your costume on and enjoy the floored show.

1) Take the kid out…

2) Get him drunk…

3) But not too drunk…

4) And never, never drink and fly

Have a happy Hallowine, y’all.

The Booze Talkin’: My Exclusive Interview With Chelah Horsdal

[AlKHallism: All photos link to Chelah’s website and a few link to her Twitter Page.]

One of Chelah’s selections from the juiced-box in the Bar None: Broken Social Scene – Water In Hell

[Press ‘Play’ for, “The shuck and jive is over / The second time is over / It’s too bad the monkey’s on your shoulder.” Get it? “The monkey’s on your shoulder…”]

A few weeks back, my daughter and i saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes and i wrote the review everyone is talking about so much my ears are constantly ringing. ‘Course that may just be the voices in my head calling but i’m gonna put them on hold long enough to tune you into some awesome Booze Talkin’. Because, right here in the Bar None, i have the honor of interviewing a real actress, who has even done some real acting.

Chelah Horsdal is the immensely talented actress i was able to have a sit down with, even though she wouldn’t technically sit down and can you blame her? Have you seen the stools in the Bar None? She played “Irena” in Rise of the Planet of the Apes, the home care giver, and came off as totally believable because she gave so much care i started caring myself.

Look, here comes the proof of that.

Continue reading

For Amy Winehouse: i Got Your BAC

Amy Winehouse Commits Alcohol Suicide

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Turns out Amy Winehouse did not die from excessive knee bleeding from all the time she spent praying, nor did she die from a brain explosion while outlining a plan that would guarantee world peace until the end of the planet.

Nope, she died from alcohol poisoning. She OD’ed on liquor, s’what i’m sayin’.

Here’s what that looks like. She kicked drugs in 2008 and replaced that monkey with the booze monkey. That led to busts and binges, ups and downs and downers until early July when she quit drinking. 2½ weeks later, she fell off the wagon—and into an ocean of vodka. Three bottles after she drifted off and drowned in that sea.

Her blood alcohol content was  0.41%.

Blood Alcohol Content For Dummies

Lifted From Wiki

Lifted From Wiki

BAC results range from 0% (you’re dangerously sober) to 0.5% (dangerously drunk). The current law in the United States dictates that anything over 0.08% makes you police bait if you’re behind the wheel.

Here’s what it all means for us normal people:


What You Do

  • Remember you have a watch
  • Have taste
  • Feel like crap

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Feel superior
  • Make fun of drunk people–remember, you’ll be one soon enough
  • Stop drinking

What You Can’t Do

  • Say “No more for me. I’m done.”
  • Leave
  • Have fun


What You Do

  • Pretend you’re not drunk
  • Overestimate your looks and your intelligence
  • Believe everything you say

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Drink stronger booze
  • Play games in traffic
  • Allow anyone to film you

What You Can’t Do

  • Count how fast you drink
  • Say “Preliminary cinnamon”
  • Accurately judge the passage of time


What You Do

  • Begin every sentence with, “I really shouldn’t say this, but…”
  • Walk into walls and spill your beer
  • Sing TV theme songs

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Flirt with the ugly person you find “interesting looking”
  • Convince yourself everybody pees against public buildings
  • Think karaoke is a good idea

What You Can’t Do

  • Stay out of the bathroom for more than thirty minutes
  • Say “Subliminal ethnicity”
  • Call home, ’cause your significant other will aurally ream you a new one


What You Do

  • Pick fights
  • Cry over everything
  • Think you can dance (and insist on proving it)

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Go anywhere near a phone, you’re now in drunk dialing territory
  • Join a drinking game
  • Start a friendly game of “I’m gonna tell you what I really think about you.”

What You Can’t Do

  • Stand still
  • Stop drinking
  • Say “No, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.”


What You Do

  • Anything and everything
  • Forget everything you say
  • Wake up covered in your friends’ practical joke

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Look up pictures of yourself covered in the practical joke on the Web
  • Debate anything with your significant other
  • Ride in a car with a nice interior

What You Can’t Do

  • Stand up
  • Sit up
  • Make complete sentences


What You Do

  • Pee your pants
  • Hit on everything
  • Take everything way too seriously

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Brag about peeing your pants
  • Heed the call to expose private body parts
  • Sleep on your back

What You Can’t Do

  • Talk
  • Have ‘just one more’
  • Say “Call 911”


What You Do

  • Pass out
  • Leak bodily fluids through several orifices
  • Die

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Expose yourself to open flames
  • Leave the bathroom
  • Die

What You Can’t Do

  • Anything and everything
  • Wake up
  • Breathe

A Smoke

So, obviously Amy Winehouse was in dangerous territory. But how does she rank according to others? Has anyone that drunk been to hell and BAC? Here are some records and broken ones.

Clocking In At 0.45%

The tragic story of a 16-year-old honor student, Rhona Tavener. This English girl, not normally a drinker, went to a party at a rich kid’s £1 million estate, where they had her start off with sips of friends’ drinks before she downed half a liter of Smirnoff straight. She fell off the hammock, was given CPR by her friends as they took her home and showed up at the hospital in a one-way coma.

The world needs every sweet sixteen we can get, girls. Don’t drink and die.

Clocking In At 0.72%

Yes, nearly twice the death limit. Terri Comer (AKA Wanda Woman) passed out while driving home and crashed her car in a snow bank–within eyesight of a road sign warning against drunk driving. Man, if i’d made that up people would be all over my ass for not showing enough imagination.

Terri Comer

Terri Comer2

Clocking In At .914%: To Hell And BAC

Almost 1 percent of this guy’s blood was alcohol. Let’s just sit back for a moment and think about that…


So this 67-year-old Bulgarian guy gets bumped by a car and taken to the hospital unconscious. He smelled drunk so the doctors tested him. When they saw the result, they thought their equipment was screwed up. They did five separate lab tests to be sure, and sure enough: 0.914%. ELEVEN TIMES over the legal drinking limit had he been driving.

Some records were meant not to be broken.

Mr Bulgarian Dude, we at the Bar None salute you.

The Booze Talkin’: My Exclusive Interview with CHICK BEER

Like sex with a Dominatrix, it was “bound to happen”.

My corporate cherry was ripe for the taking and i’d been playing the cherry field looking for a firm firm enough to give it up to.

i picked Chick Beer for my first ever corporate interview for several good reasons—nah, just joshing, there was only one reason and that’s they make beer for chicks.

i’d love to go on for pages and pages with this wit but, tragically, “Babe” from Chick Beer is tons funnier than i could ever dream of being, so pro’lly the best thing is for me to shut up and let her rock the funny.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

i got bragging rights again here and i’m taking them because i don’t get the chance to do it a lot and plus i’m staying up late to get this posted tonight so i might as well take a bow. See, i saw this movie on October 19. You see the date on the movie poster? Yep, October 21. We got this puppy 2 full days before the Americans and that doesn’t happen all that much in Yeaman, let me tell you.

Plus, ‘member how you go around not believing me all the time? Guess what, i got proof. Here are some screen shots.

"Can I film us having sex until the ghosts interrupt us?"

Johanna Braddy was "Lisa the Babysitter" (no, not the good kind of babysitter)

Ghosts Never Pick Up After Themselves

Ramblings:  Better Than Normal Activity

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you go on that annual camping trip with your buddies and at the very beginning it really was to go out camping and drinking some beer during the day and whiskey straight in the evening by the campfire and do manly shit during the day with a few ghost stories before bed and then the second annual trip the ghost stories got a little better because everyone had a year to think of some good ones and plus the other stuff about camping became kinda secondary because you all knew even without saying it that the whiskey stories at night were the real purpose of the trip. Now, with the third trip, everyone really gets into the stories and even if you’re a grown man the stories still freak you out and then one guy finishes up a story and you turn to the guy beside you. But he’s not there. He’s gone and you have no idea where. And then a hand grabs your shoulder and…that’s what Paranormal Activity 3 was like.

PA3 is a preprequel. For those of you in the dark, Paranormal Activity starts with a couple terrorized by ghosts. Then, Paranormal Activity 2 showed us that those ghosts originally came from the younger sister’s house. Now, Paranormal Activity 3 starts off before that in the younger sister’s house and she’s pregnant with the baby you saw in PA2. The sister from PA1 comes over to drop of an old box of VHS tapes and this collection of VHS tapes is what we see in PA3.

So what. You don’t need to see the first two movies to have the shit scared right out of you in this one. The directors (Henry Joost & Ariel Schulman) do a kick ass job of starting the tension level way up at 9, and then turning it up a notch every ten minutes or so until you finish the fucking movie and you need to lie down because your heart is beating so hard it’s practically beating you to death.

It wasn’t just the directors pulling their weight either. Some chick named Terri Taylor was the casting director and she did an incredible job of finding relatively unknown actors to do great job. On top of that, she found child actors who are unbelievably talented, and on top of that, they even looked like the older people they were supposed to be the little child versions of. (Don’t worry, it all makes sense in my head.) Let me show you what i mean.

Chloe Csengery (Young Katie) - Katie Featherston (Older Katie)

Jessica Tyler Brown (Young Kristi) - Sprague Grayden (Grown Up Kristi)

There are a couple “make me jump” moments that really work even if i consider them to be cheap film making and there’s still that super big WTF like a hairy pus filled pimple on the face of this movie of why don’t the people get the hell out of the house after 10 minutes of being haunted, but even that’s not enough to detract from the incredible suspense and genuine fear that’s so intense it’s almost comical.

You wanna be really freaked out for real? See this movie.

Before we get down to the dirt, i gotta card the younger “sisters” who are too young for the Bar None. i’m gonna repeat myself, though, that both of these young ladies were amazing. i predict that Jessica Tyler Brown is going to continue to rise as a gifted actress.

Jessica Tyler Brown

Chloe Csengery

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

Johanna Brady as Lisa (whaddya want!? it's a screenshot off a cellphone)

There is not a lot of sex going on here. Even when Dennis (Christopher Nicholas Smith) convinces his girlfriend Julie (a superb Lauren Bittner) to film their beast with two backs, the ghosts interrupt them even before Julie can get her bra off because ghosts are lame like that. It’s that “PG-13” aspect of ghosts that scares me the most if you really wanna know all of what’s going on in my head.

Fortunately, that doesn’t stop Lauren Bittner from being hot off camera, like this.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

A very pleasant surprise came in the lovely form of Johanna Braddy who babysat the little spawns.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There’ll be some drawer shots of both these ladies “Down There”. Just keep scrolling, you can’t miss them.

For those of you in the Bar None more into “Anormal” than “Pair-a”, here’s Christopher Nicholas Smith.

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shot

Like a t-totaller on Sunday in Salt Lake City.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 shots

Like i said in the intro, there was absolutely no rock and roll music in the movie and while the attitude was something less rock than Zombieland, PA3 was infused with a dark rock spirit that earned it 4 full shots.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Christopher B. Landon & Oren Peli

Directed by: Henry Joost & Ariel Schulman


  • Lauren Bittner – Julie Rey
  • Chloe Csengery – Young Katie Rey
  • Jessica Tyler Brown – Young Kristi Rey
  • Johanna Braddy – Lisa
  • Christopher Nicholas Smith – Dennis

Bottom Line

If you want the bejeesus exorcised from you, this movie will scare it the fuck out.

My Booze Revooze of Paranormal Activity

My Booze Revooze of Paranormal Activity 2

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Lauren Bittner (31)

Johanna Braddy (24)

PS Dregs: Stan Marsh from South Park is an Alcoholic

Update 2011-10-20: Picture of Alcoholics Trey Parker & Matt Stone Naked at Bottom!

"I'm not drunk, I'm just drawn that way."

i almost forgot to mention in yesterday’s dregs that Stan Marsh of South Park is now an alcoholic. While many will no doubt say it’s a two-dimensional portrayal, it’s obvious the lines have been drawn. Young Stan may never be able to erase his colorful past, but we here at the Bar None hope he’ll be able to turn the page and start with a blank slate.

2011-10-20 Because someone had to go there and you wouldn’t:



Dregs of the Week: September 26 – October 13 (and the rest)

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Dear god hurry up and help me the dregs are rising faster than i can write. Like asthma inhaler robbers, a chick dwarf tossing her 4-year-old, baby shoplifters, grandma and the scarecrow, fake boobs, real boobs (and real breasts too), the hits, the runs, the drips, the errors, the tunes and all the dregs you can handle plus a lot more.

From the Juiced-box and dedicated to the dregs sinking lower and lower this week: Kottonmouth Kings presents Johnny Richter – At It Again

[Please press ‘Play’ for the only rap song that goes, “No, you can’t stop this, it’s already started / You can’t pull the smell back after somebody farted.”]

Commoner Dregs

September 29: Another Use for 2-Year-Olds

Benjamin Sims & Danielle Howey (the woman is on the right)

If you’re gonna try out something smart, don’t do it in Indiana, they just may put you in jail for it. Case in point, Danielle Howey (26) and Benjamin Sims (27) went to a Southbend Meijer’s with a 2-year-old they were babysitting. What can you do with a 2-year-old? Nothing right? Try thinking outside the box of wine, like Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dummer. They turned a boring shopping trip into an educational experience by using the baby’s covers as cover for the 10 bottles of alcohol  they were shoplifting. How do you want to bust a couple who are trying to teach a kid about aiding and a-bedding?

September 29: This Tosser is a Real Mother

Nikki Settle decided the third time was the charm after her first two attempts to drive drunk ended in failure, or at least arrests. And successful she was, if your definition of success includes swerving back and forth between lanes on the highway before crashing into one of those wire fence things that separates lanes on the highway.

She grabbed her 4-year-old from the car and carried him across the oncoming traffic to a 10-foot roadside fence. To make her escape, she tried to hurl the little boy over the top. Repeatedly. Because she could not chuck him up high enough.

Eventually, some of the audience decided to intervene and convince her to step away from the child and wait for the cops to help her get help going to jail.

September 29: Canadian Missed

Imagine you’re a cop somewhere like Chesterton, Indiana, and you get a call about a drunk driver on a golf cart so you investigate and at a convenience store you see a grandma in the parking lot with a golf cart, a scarecrow and a fifth of Canadian Mist.

How many drinks have you had, ma’am?

A couple.

How many is that?

Around ten.

Yeah, that’d be trippy.

Bar None Artist's Hallucination

October 2: One Hell of a Catch

Drunken Russian fisherman (which is like saying “cat pussy kitten” or “gay cocksucking Bieber”) got the surprise catch of their lives when they were trawling in a sea with no vowels and the biggest fish ever surfaced right in front of them. The huge whale tried to signal them away, but they weren’t drunk enough to fall for that old trick and they barreled straight ahead and rammed it. Turns out Moby Dick was full of seamen because it was a Russian nuclear sub. Those lucky fishermen may never have to fish again.

О черт!

September 20: Grin and Bear It

And you thought your life was boring. Man you ain’t never lived in Pennsylvania. For fun in Pennsylvania, they go to the bar and they don’t cow tip but they bear tip by pushing 800 pound stuffed bears over balcony railings and then high tailing it. Unbearable? Not as bad as coming back after the place has closed to steal the stuffed animal. i couldn’t bear the weighty responsibility but apparently drunker souls than i could.

PS The owner said the taxidermy cost him 10 grand, so it looks like he’d already been ripped off before the grizzly heist.

September 20: Drinks Are On The House

Here’s an idea that’s got “wrong” written all over it so badly it’s like a drunk trying to tattoo himself with a sharpie.

This woman wants to sell her house but no one is showing much interest. So she decides to offer a $1000 tab at the bar across the street.

Here’s why that idea sucks more than a sorority girl doing a keg stand. The only new interest she’s going to get is from drunk people to stupid to realize they are spending $450,000 to get a free $1,000 and is someone that fucked up really the person you want to be in debt to you for half a million dollars?

Hell, it’s even a bad deal for the dumb ass, bar stool sample alkie because he’s going to get so fucked up at the bar he lives across the street from that he’ll never be able to drink there again.

Next time someone tells you drinks are on the house, make sure it’s someone else’s house.

September 23: A Clean Getaway

Everything about these three stooges is normal.

    • They’re 19
    • They like Tecate
    • They decide to steal beer because they’re underage

So Hooey and Dooey go into the store while Loony stays behind as wheel-boy. Dooey grabs a 30-pack (go big or go home, boys) and makes a break for it with Dooey, who is nabbed by employees in the parking lot. Loony drives off, abandoning Hooey. The cops come and pursue him on foot.

Here’s where his going gets good. He runs through a car wash and when he comes out the exit with his mind the only thing left dirty, the cops are there waiting for him.

The only thing even near as funny are Larry, Moe and Curly’s mug shots. Careful boys, if you make faces like that they may stay that way.

September 28: The Best Defense Is Strongly Offensive

Robert Will (and so would you if you had half a chance) showed up at Court on drunk driving charges drunk. He stunk of alcohol so Court officials gave him a portable breathalyzer, which he bombed, so Will’s mouthpiece said Robert won’t be tried until he’s sober. The judge agreed.

i’m thinking all Will will do is stay drunk so he can never be guilty. Innocent until proven sober, babes.

September 26: Hold up Your Breath

This cracker named Graham robbed two guys who’d just bought a case of Budweiser by holding up the peeps at little silver gun point. He ran away with the case, dropping cans in his escape, so when the cops showed up, they just had to follow the trail of beer to find Ashton Graham who did not have a super duper spy gun after all, but had threatened the dudes with his asthma puffer. Yes, he held them at inhaler point.

Then, in the police car, he stuck his head through the cruiser window. Will he be released any time soon? Don’t hold your breath.

September 27: A Real Mother Fucker

Don’t you hate it when you’re hanging out on the side of the road, sipping your brewsky, unwinding and stuff and the police pull up and ask you where your parents are because you’re underage to be drinking? Yeah, that sucks almost as much as pointing to the car next to you because that’s where your mother is, in the back seat of that car, under your best friend.

The next time you ask your mom, “Can my friend come?” make sure she knows what you mean.

Jennifer Wilson

Celebrity Dregs

September 19: Women are Boobs (Better Real Than Fake)

Look, i honestly don’t know what a Heidi Montag is or what her overall purpose is in the grand scheme of things. The only reason i picked this up is because these shots of her drunk at her birthday party in Las Vegas remind me of the photographs at the end of The Hangover. It’s not everyday you see a picture of a doll this inflated.

‘Cause you know i’m gonna go there again, and y’all know that by ‘there’, i mean ‘boobs’ because i’ve still had it up to here with fake boobs. You know who’s cool? Heather Morris, who i already told you was cool right here. Heather is the young lady from Glee (the cheerleader – the hot one – OK, the lesbian hot one – OK, the Bi hot one who’s blonde). She had a boob job and then you know what she did, clever little young lady that she is? She had a boob job, and then had them removed! Go Sister, Go Sister, mnanmananan Soul Sister!

Here’s a collage as inflated as Montag’s ego:

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

And i also have some shots swelling in my drawers…just keep strolling down til you hit them.

September 23: This Is Why You Wanna Be Famous

Member all of these fucking losers i talk about nonstop in the commoner dregs? You know how i know they’re losers? ‘Cause they actually did the time for the crimes they committed.

The real weiners are famous, good looking, rich people like Ryan Gosling. In 2005, this hot dog (he sticks his sausage in buns) was arrested for “driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs” and “driving with a blood alcohol content of 0.08 or greater”, which was plea bargained down to “excessive speeding” which is why no one, not even you, knew he got busted for drink driving until now because i just told you. Man, i bet all those saps in the commoner dregs wish they could be tried under Rich & Famous law. Still, someone’s gotta fill the prisons.

But i’m all about the justice, so here’s a taste of it for the little guy.

Ryan Gosling Mug Shot

i stuck a collage of him down in my drawers because i’m all about the equal opportunity exploitation.

September 29: Here’s Where You Wanna Drink the Kool-Aid

Apparently cult leader and murderer Jim Jones is not dead but instead is now black and a rapper. Plus a really good fucking friend. Seriously, with friends like him, who needs better friends?

[From the juiced-box: Jim Jones and Jha Jha – What You Been Drankin On?]

He had a buddy who turned 32 so they went to some club and Jim was jonesing for some booze so he ordered a bottle of champagne at around 600 bucks a pop for each year of his pal’s years. 32 bottles of Moet Nectar Rose came to $20,000. Then you know what he left for a tip? 2 more grand. That right there is more of a gentleman than Lindsay will ever be. Seriously, man, Respect.

October 5: Champagne Wars

Not to be outdone by some stupid (commie’s words, not mine, brosky) American rapper, the son of a Russian billionaire dropped $112,550 on booze at a restaurant, and just like Jim Jones, most of it was for someone else and in this case i get it because it was on Heather Graham, who i personally would drop anything on that she’d let me, including the 100,000 bucks i don’t even have because i would go that deep into debt for her.

The other cool thing is what the Rusky bought because it was a Nebuchadnezzar which you don’t even know what it is so stop playin’. It’s 15 liters of booze in one bottle (that’s more than seven 2-liter bottles of Pepsi, for you in the trailers) but in this case it’s Armand de Brignac Champagne, AKA “Ace of Spades”.

You know who else was there? Zac Efron. You know what Zac Enron almost dropped? The fucking bottle. Here’s what TMZ has to say about that shit.

Sources inside Board Room nightclub in Chicago tell TMZ … Zac attempted to lift the full 15 litre bottle on Tuesday night. We’re told Zac learned the hard way it was too heavy for him — but managed to hold on just long enough to avert the ultimate disaster.

But back to Heather Graham, because she’s so worth it.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There’s tons more Heather hanging out in my drawers down below. Scroll until you hit pay dirt.

September 30: Full-bodied Drunk

Elle Macpherson proved once again how super of a model she truly is by getting trashed in London in a bar that wants to steal the name The Bar None because it’s called C London. As in, “i C London, i C France, i see Elle’s underpants,” and a lot more.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Elle MacFearless is in my drawers as well.

October 5: Demi More

Did you guys know Demi Moore had an alcohol soaked past? How come you didn’t tell me? i had to find out when this one chick web site said Demi fell back into the bottle because Ashton started playing with other chicks’ Kutchers.

Here’s a taste of that.

Demi More in the Bar None

Bar None Dregs

First up, a big welcome to this twisted hottie called Alchemy of Mind who is our latest subscriber and regular in the Bar None. Put your feet up, babe, and what’s your poison? If any else out there wants to have their name read by 3000 plus people a day, all you gotta do is subscribe over there at the top right.

And guess what!? i have another friend way closer than you! (The Rod excepted because he already proved his friendship in ways i wouldn’t care to mention.) Raquel has joined those who “Like” The Bar None’s Facebook Page! Bringing the grand total to 3. Hey, what can i tell you, it’s an elite place.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Heidi Montag – BEFORE the surgical disaster

Ryan Gosling

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Heather Graham

Heather Graham in the Bar None

Heather Graham After the Bar None

Elle Macpherson

Elle Macpherson in the Bar None

Demi Moore

Demi Moore in the Bar None

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.