Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Purple Melon – Kings of the World

Ramblings: Dammit of the Apes

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk on designer cocktails? They look better than they taste and they don’t carry the wallop of the good, old fashioned Old Fashioneds even if they’re not unpleasant or anything because it’s still booze you’re drinking no matter how modern it its, but it’s a little too trendy and overpriced and when you finish it too quickly you have a hankering for punch with more punch and wine with less whine. Go back to the source, barmaids and boozehounds, and drink the old shit straight up because the whores with the most exotic names are the ones who leave you hanging. That’s the kind of aftertaste Rise of the Planet of the Apes will leave you with.

What do you want to know? The CGI monkeys were well done and the movie was pretty visually stunning but Apes spends a lot of time building without ever getting anywhere. Compared to the original, it’s not as revolutionary or evolutionary.

After i saw this movie and i was talking about it, i kept saying it was a pretty good movie but then when i checked my notes (yes, i take notes just like a real journalist) before writing this, i saw i didn’t like it as much as i  thought  i did. i guess that’s the hairy truth right there. Rise of the Planet of the Apes is like sleeping with your cousin. Better when you’re looking back than when you’re in it.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

i was so hard up for sex here i would’ve even gone for some of that funky, monkey sex. That’s a freaking movie for you. James Franco gettin’ some ape on. Freida Pinto rangin’ a tang.  As it is, this movie was as limp as James Franco’s performance at the Oscars. You know what’s sad? The most developed relationship in this whole movie was between a boy and his monkey. And you know what happens when the monkey misbehaves? The boy has to spank that monkey.

Starring in  the role of the veterinarian is the lovely and super talented Freida Pinto (26). That’s about all i can say about her because she was pretty much underused throughout this whole movie and her job was just to be a pretty face romantic interest for the others. It’s like her part didn’t exist until some marketing exec said, “Hold up, Bra’s [because marketing execs are still saying that], there aren’t any women in this whole freaking thing. We gotta find a hottie so the geekmates have something top look at while their boyfriends are drooling over the computer effects.”

Here’s what i drooled over…

Of course there’ll be more shots of her stuck in my drawers below.

Silken Butterflies

Here’s where Rise really rose. There was a nice selection of beautiful women rocking the secondary roles and the most important of all these was the incredible Chelah Horsdal as the in-home nurse, Irena. What’s really amazing about this young lady is she’s as intelligent as she is beautiful and gifted, because she’s agreed to do an interview with me here at the Bar None.

Here’s a taste of what we have to look forward to.

There was also an appearance by a tag team of two women who played key roles maybe not in the movie but certainly in my life as “Party Girls”. First things first, we had Leah Gibson as Party Girl #1.

Followed closely by Party Girl #2, Tracy Spiridakos.

Wrapping up the Silver Butterflies in the film is Makena Joy who plays the neighbor girl. Let’s just say, as the girl nextdoor, she’s Makena “Lotta” Joy.

For those of you in the Bar None more into primates than slimians, here’s James Franco.

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shot

"Ooops, No booze here."

The only real reference we had were the party girls who brought the beers into the cages before getting freaked out and running away.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 2 shots

And it was all at the end. The song that leads out this review pretty much says it all. It’s short on rock and rolls more than it should. This movie is like a lost pizza guy: it goes a lot of places but doesn’t really deliver.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Amanda Silver & Rick Jaffa

Suggested by novel, La planète des singes by Pierre Boulle

Directed by: Rupert Wyatt


  • Freida Pinto – Caroline Aranha
  • Chelah Horsdal – Irena
  • Makena Joy – Alice Hunsiker (Teen)
  • Leah Gibson – Party Girl #1
  • Tracy Spiridakos – Party Girl #2
  • James Franco – Will Rodman
  • John Lithgow – Charles Rodman
  • Tom Felton – Dodge Landon

Bottom Line

Like a trip to the zoo, there’s nothing here to go apeshit over but it’s OK if you don’t have to pay to get in.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Freida Pinto (26)

Freida Pinto in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

4 thoughts on “Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

  1. I just can’t believe it took four whole paragraphs to get a “spanking the monkey” joke in.

    You’re slipping, Al. I would have LED with that joke!

    I can’t wait to see this film, personally. Then i can let rip with mastubation jokes of my own….

    • The Rod!

      What can i say? It was a conscious decision i made after reading Saint Pauly’s WTF Review of I Am Number 4. i find his humor so juvenile sometimes that i feel i have to distinguish myself from him with a little restraint.

      Thanks for patronizing me, brother,

      Al K Hall

  2. Pingback: The Booze Talkin’: My Exclusive Interview With Chelah Horsdal « The Bar None — High & Dry

  3. Pingback: » Movie Review – Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes Fernby Films

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