Dear god hurry up and help me the dregs are rising faster than i can write. Like asthma inhaler robbers, a chick dwarf tossing her 4-year-old, baby shoplifters, grandma and the scarecrow, fake boobs, real boobs (and real breasts too), the hits, the runs, the drips, the errors, the tunes and all the dregs you can handle plus a lot more.
From the Juiced-box and dedicated to the dregs sinking lower and lower this week: Kottonmouth Kings presents Johnny Richter – At It Again
[Please press ‘Play’ for the only rap song that goes, “No, you can’t stop this, it’s already started / You can’t pull the smell back after somebody farted.”]
If you’re gonna try out something smart, don’t do it in Indiana, they just may put you in jail for it. Case in point, Danielle Howey (26) and Benjamin Sims (27) went to a Southbend Meijer’s with a 2-year-old they were babysitting. What can you do with a 2-year-old? Nothing right? Try thinking outside the box of wine, like Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dummer. They turned a boring shopping trip into an educational experience by using the baby’s covers as cover for the 10 bottles of alcohol they were shoplifting. How do you want to bust a couple who are trying to teach a kid about aiding and a-bedding?
Nikki Settle decided the third time was the charm after her first two attempts to drive drunk ended in failure, or at least arrests. And successful she was, if your definition of success includes swerving back and forth between lanes on the highway before crashing into one of those wire fence things that separates lanes on the highway.
She grabbed her 4-year-old from the car and carried him across the oncoming traffic to a 10-foot roadside fence. To make her escape, she tried to hurl the little boy over the top. Repeatedly. Because she could not chuck him up high enough.
Eventually, some of the audience decided to intervene and convince her to step away from the child and wait for the cops to help her get help going to jail.
September 29: Canadian Missed
Imagine you’re a cop somewhere like Chesterton, Indiana, and you get a call about a drunk driver on a golf cart so you investigate and at a convenience store you see a grandma in the parking lot with a golf cart, a scarecrow and a fifth of Canadian Mist.
How many drinks have you had, ma’am?
How many is that?
Yeah, that’d be trippy.
Drunken Russian fisherman (which is like saying “cat pussy kitten” or “gay cocksucking Bieber”) got the surprise catch of their lives when they were trawling in a sea with no vowels and the biggest fish ever surfaced right in front of them. The huge whale tried to signal them away, but they weren’t drunk enough to fall for that old trick and they barreled straight ahead and rammed it. Turns out Moby Dick was full of seamen because it was a Russian nuclear sub. Those lucky fishermen may never have to fish again.
And you thought your life was boring. Man you ain’t never lived in Pennsylvania. For fun in Pennsylvania, they go to the bar and they don’t cow tip but they bear tip by pushing 800 pound stuffed bears over balcony railings and then high tailing it. Unbearable? Not as bad as coming back after the place has closed to steal the stuffed animal. i couldn’t bear the weighty responsibility but apparently drunker souls than i could.
PS The owner said the taxidermy cost him 10 grand, so it looks like he’d already been ripped off before the grizzly heist.
Here’s an idea that’s got “wrong” written all over it so badly it’s like a drunk trying to tattoo himself with a sharpie.
This woman wants to sell her house but no one is showing much interest. So she decides to offer a $1000 tab at the bar across the street.
Here’s why that idea sucks more than a sorority girl doing a keg stand. The only new interest she’s going to get is from drunk people to stupid to realize they are spending $450,000 to get a free $1,000 and is someone that fucked up really the person you want to be in debt to you for half a million dollars?
Hell, it’s even a bad deal for the dumb ass, bar stool sample alkie because he’s going to get so fucked up at the bar he lives across the street from that he’ll never be able to drink there again.
Next time someone tells you drinks are on the house, make sure it’s someone else’s house.
Everything about these three stooges is normal.
- They’re 19
- They like Tecate
- They decide to steal beer because they’re underage
So Hooey and Dooey go into the store while Loony stays behind as wheel-boy. Dooey grabs a 30-pack (go big or go home, boys) and makes a break for it with Dooey, who is nabbed by employees in the parking lot. Loony drives off, abandoning Hooey. The cops come and pursue him on foot.
Here’s where his going gets good. He runs through a car wash and when he comes out the exit with his mind the only thing left dirty, the cops are there waiting for him.
The only thing even near as funny are Larry, Moe and Curly’s mug shots. Careful boys, if you make faces like that they may stay that way.
Robert Will (and so would you if you had half a chance) showed up at Court on drunk driving charges drunk. He stunk of alcohol so Court officials gave him a portable breathalyzer, which he bombed, so Will’s mouthpiece said Robert won’t be tried until he’s sober. The judge agreed.
i’m thinking all Will will do is stay drunk so he can never be guilty. Innocent until proven sober, babes.
This cracker named Graham robbed two guys who’d just bought a case of Budweiser by holding up the peeps at little silver gun point. He ran away with the case, dropping cans in his escape, so when the cops showed up, they just had to follow the trail of beer to find Ashton Graham who did not have a super duper spy gun after all, but had threatened the dudes with his asthma puffer. Yes, he held them at inhaler point.
Then, in the police car, he stuck his head through the cruiser window. Will he be released any time soon? Don’t hold your breath.
Don’t you hate it when you’re hanging out on the side of the road, sipping your brewsky, unwinding and stuff and the police pull up and ask you where your parents are because you’re underage to be drinking? Yeah, that sucks almost as much as pointing to the car next to you because that’s where your mother is, in the back seat of that car, under your best friend.
The next time you ask your mom, “Can my friend come?” make sure she knows what you mean.
Look, i honestly don’t know what a Heidi Montag is or what her overall purpose is in the grand scheme of things. The only reason i picked this up is because these shots of her drunk at her birthday party in Las Vegas remind me of the photographs at the end of The Hangover. It’s not everyday you see a picture of a doll this inflated.
‘Cause you know i’m gonna go there again, and y’all know that by ‘there’, i mean ‘boobs’ because i’ve still had it up to here with fake boobs. You know who’s cool? Heather Morris, who i already told you was cool right here. Heather is the young lady from Glee (the cheerleader – the hot one – OK, the lesbian hot one – OK, the Bi hot one who’s blonde). She had a boob job and then you know what she did, clever little young lady that she is? She had a boob job, and then had them removed! Go Sister, Go Sister, mnanmananan Soul Sister!
Here’s a collage as inflated as Montag’s ego:
And i also have some shots swelling in my drawers…just keep strolling down til you hit them.
Member all of these fucking losers i talk about nonstop in the commoner dregs? You know how i know they’re losers? ‘Cause they actually did the time for the crimes they committed.
The real weiners are famous, good looking, rich people like Ryan Gosling. In 2005, this hot dog (he sticks his sausage in buns) was arrested for “driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs” and “driving with a blood alcohol content of 0.08 or greater”, which was plea bargained down to “excessive speeding” which is why no one, not even you, knew he got busted for drink driving until now because i just told you. Man, i bet all those saps in the commoner dregs wish they could be tried under Rich & Famous law. Still, someone’s gotta fill the prisons.
But i’m all about the justice, so here’s a taste of it for the little guy.
i stuck a collage of him down in my drawers because i’m all about the equal opportunity exploitation.
Apparently cult leader and murderer Jim Jones is not dead but instead is now black and a rapper. Plus a really good fucking friend. Seriously, with friends like him, who needs better friends?
[From the juiced-box: Jim Jones and Jha Jha – What You Been Drankin On?]
He had a buddy who turned 32 so they went to some club and Jim was jonesing for some booze so he ordered a bottle of champagne at around 600 bucks a pop for each year of his pal’s years. 32 bottles of Moet Nectar Rose came to $20,000. Then you know what he left for a tip? 2 more grand. That right there is more of a gentleman than Lindsay will ever be. Seriously, man, Respect.
Not to be outdone by some stupid (commie’s words, not mine, brosky) American rapper, the son of a Russian billionaire dropped $112,550 on booze at a restaurant, and just like Jim Jones, most of it was for someone else and in this case i get it because it was on Heather Graham, who i personally would drop anything on that she’d let me, including the 100,000 bucks i don’t even have because i would go that deep into debt for her.
The other cool thing is what the Rusky bought because it was a Nebuchadnezzar which you don’t even know what it is so stop playin’. It’s 15 liters of booze in one bottle (that’s more than seven 2-liter bottles of Pepsi, for you in the trailers) but in this case it’s Armand de Brignac Champagne, AKA “Ace of Spades”.
You know who else was there? Zac Efron. You know what Zac Enron almost dropped? The fucking bottle. Here’s what TMZ has to say about that shit.
Sources inside Board Room nightclub in Chicago tell TMZ … Zac attempted to lift the full 15 litre bottle on Tuesday night. We’re told Zac learned the hard way it was too heavy for him — but managed to hold on just long enough to avert the ultimate disaster.
But back to Heather Graham, because she’s so worth it.
There’s tons more Heather hanging out in my drawers down below. Scroll until you hit pay dirt.
Elle Macpherson proved once again how super of a model she truly is by getting trashed in London in a bar that wants to steal the name The Bar None because it’s called C London. As in, “i C London, i C France, i see Elle’s underpants,” and a lot more.
Elle MacFearless is in my drawers as well.
Did you guys know Demi Moore had an alcohol soaked past? How come you didn’t tell me? i had to find out when this one chick web site said Demi fell back into the bottle because Ashton started playing with other chicks’ Kutchers.
Here’s a taste of that.
Bar None Dregs
First up, a big welcome to this twisted hottie called Alchemy of Mind who is our latest subscriber and regular in the Bar None. Put your feet up, babe, and what’s your poison? If any else out there wants to have their name read by 3000 plus people a day, all you gotta do is subscribe over there at the top right.
And guess what!? i have another friend way closer than you! (The Rod excepted because he already proved his friendship in ways i wouldn’t care to mention.) Raquel has joined those who “Like” The Bar None’s Facebook Page! Bringing the grand total to 3. Hey, what can i tell you, it’s an elite place.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Heidi Montag – BEFORE the surgical disaster