Like sex with a Dominatrix, it was “bound to happen”.
My corporate cherry was ripe for the taking and i’d been playing the cherry field looking for a firm firm enough to give it up to.
i picked Chick Beer for my first ever corporate interview for several good reasons—nah, just joshing, there was only one reason and that’s they make beer for chicks.
i’d love to go on for pages and pages with this wit but, tragically, “Babe” from Chick Beer is tons funnier than i could ever dream of being, so pro’lly the best thing is for me to shut up and let her rock the funny.
From the juiced-box and a Chick Beer type of song: Cyndi Lauper – Girls Just Want To Have Fun
[Press ‘Play’ to play with the girls]
Al K Hall: Babe! Babe from Chick Beer! Welcome to The Bar None, m’lady. Pull up a stool, put your feet up and what can i get you to drink? Just kidding, why don’t you have yourself a Chick Beer. While i got you here, what exactly is a Chick Beer?
Babe from Chick Beer: Chick Beer is a craft-brewed light lager that doesn’t taste like a light lager. It has just 3.5 carbs and 97 calories. We brew it to be smoother, more flavorful, and less bitter than dude beers.
Babe: No, but it’s clear that women are genetically modified to be more appealing than men. Nobody disputes that.
Al K Hall: Chaz Bono might, though. Wow, you out-logic me so fast it stains my genes. Is Chick Beer brewed exclusively by women? Even better, topless women?
Babe: When we were at the brewery, we mostly saw honest, hard-working mid-Western beefy dudes from the Brewers Union. Thankfully, their tops remained intact.
Al K Hall: Ugh, ‘moobs’. Double “ugh”. Literally. While we’re on that body region, your website says, “The taste is soft, smooth and full-bodied.” That sounds hot. Does Chick Beer make women more attractive?
Babe: Yes, Chick Beer is hot. And also cold. Women are already attractive. Chick Beer, when consumed in sufficient quantities, actually makes men appear more attractive, a far more impressive feat!
Al K Hall: And harder! But is Chick Beer made from chicks?
Babe: We tried that, but the feathers were a real distraction. But no. Just hops, malt, yeast and pure Wisconsin water.
Babe: A guy can absolutely buy Chick Beer. A guy who buys and drinks Chick Beer is very secure in his manhood. Very sexy.
Al K Hall: But doesn’t it make them squat to pee?
Babe: Ewwww. We have no comment on the urination rituals of men.
Al K Hall: Here, have some nuts, Babe. Oops, my bad, you pro’lly don’t want any nuts. When was Chick Beer invented?
Babe: Chick Beer was invented in early 2011. We were walking down the street carrying some hops, and we bumped into these three other chicks carrying malt, yeast and water. It was an amazing coincidence. The rest is history.
Al K Hall: But wait a second! Isn’t the concept of Chick Beer sexist?
Babe: Absolutely! By selling our beer to chicks, we’re turning our backs on the 75% of beer drinkers who aren’t chicks. We are anti-non-chick. That makes us the most sexist brand out there! Now dudes will have to drown their sorrows in the hundreds of brands out there that are marketed to them.
Al K Hall: Are there varieties of Chick Beer (like Chick Beer Lite)? What about Cheap Chick Beer for the Trailer Park? i think i may have dated Ice Chick Beer, is that possible?
Babe: We’ve got some ideas for next summer, but thankfully they are not the ones that you have described here.
Al K Hall: Where is Chick Beer brewed and distributed?
Babe: We brew Chick Beer in beautiful southern Wisconsin. At this time, it is only distributed in Maryland, which is where we happen to live. However, Chicks will soon start popping up all around the country, and also perhaps Norway. No, really.
Al K Hall: If a chick is reading this, where can she go to find out if it’s distributed in her area?
Babe: We highly recommend chickbeer.com. Those folks seem to have all of the facts straight. Even more so than the blogging community.
Al K Hall: “L-o-l”, Babe. You wanna play that way? i can bring it. You say you’re not owned by a major brewery: Prove it.
Babe: Easy. Our hall closet is filled with gigantic bags of pink foam peanuts, which we use to pack the sample six-packs that we send out. Also, our neighborhood association does not allow Clydesdales. We checked.
Al K Hall: Seriously, are the owners of Chick Beer a super group?
Babe: Seriously, the “owners” of Chick Beer are one chick in Maryland. Her husband is an unpaid consultant, and we have one underpaid staff chick. That is the company.
Al K Hall: But doesn’t it take a major manufacturer to launch a beer like Chick Beer?
Babe: Apparently, it does not. It just takes a person with a great idea, a very thick hide and an outlandish amount of determination. Entrepreneurship isn’t for everybody, and trying to establish a brand for women in an industry as male-dominated as the beer business is virtually insane.
Al K Hall: You should do “totally insane” some time; it’s the stuff wet dreams are made of. So, what do i get if i “Like” your Facebook page?
Babe: You get exclusive membership in a club that is 95% women… Hot women who drink beer.
Al K Hall: That’s what i’m talking about! But, hot women love to shop, right? How come your web-store doesn’t have any stuff in it?
Babe: Because we’re too busy right now talking to distributors about Chick Beer! We are anxious to get the store going, because we’ve had a lot of requests for it. We will soon have koozies, stickers, bottle openers, and other great Chick Booty on there! By the way, we are donating all proceeds from Chick Booty sales to charities that empower women.
Al K Hall: What is a “Koozie”? i’d love Chick Koozie. How much does Chick Koozie cost?
Babe: A koozie is a neoprene sleeve that keeps your beer cold and your hands dry. Ours are both hot and hot pink. They cost a couple of bucks.
Al K Hall: i’m only into blogging for the swag. Can i get free Koozie?
Babe: Yes, but only because we hate to see a man have to pay for koozie. That’s just sad. We’ll send you a mercy koozie.
Al K Hall: Hell, beggars can’t be choosers. Which reminds me, Wayne Buchanan, a regular at The Bar None, brought Chick Beer to our attention. Do you know Wayne? What do you think of him? Does he owe you ten bucks, too?
Babe: We have no knowledge of this man, but if he brought us to your attention, we like him. Yes, he does owe us ten bucks.
Al K Hall: In all the minutes of exhausting research i did while watching Desperate Housewives did i blow over anything too quickly? Anything you got coming up you’d like us to know about?
Babe: No, your DH time was well-spent. What we have coming up are a good number of announcements of new places where you can buy Chick Beer.
Al K Hall: What message do you have for your many fans?
Babe: If you want to help Chick Beer get to you sooner, don’t tell us. We already agree with you! Tell your retailer that you want to buy Chick Beer. If enough people do that, the retailer tells their distributor, and the next thing you know, you’re a hot chick holding a cold Chick.
Al K Hall: Finally, everyone interviewed for The Booze Talkin’ needs to do The Bar None questionnaire and just because you’re my first professional doesn’t mean you get off the hook.
What’s your favorite alcoholic drink (after Chick Beer, of course)?
Babe: Thanks for the caveat. [AlKHallism: i don’t know what she’s talking about; i didn’t give her any fish eggs.] Since we’ve been in the booze biz for years, we have been fortunate enough to have toured many breweries, and we’ve tasted hundreds of beers. We’ve sipped ten-day old Burgundy from the vat. We’ve tossed back tequila in Tequila. We are beverage enthusiasts.
Al K Hall: What a coincidence! i’ve drunk a vat of Boone’s Farm and tossed up a lot of Mezcal. Same thing, right? Almost? When was the last time you had a hangover?
Babe: It’s ironic, but we’re now too busy for hangovers, or even for drinking. Yes, we are lame.
Al K Hall: Do you smoke? If so, what brand? How many cigarettes a day?
Babe: No. We figure that we need to avoid at least one vice. We consider it a moral victory.
Al K Hall: What’s your favorite swear word? Do you swear? A lot?
Babe: We mostly enjoy the F-bomb. If you’re going to go, go large.
Al K Hall: And what do you think of me, Al K Hall?
Babe: You are perhaps the greatest man ever to walk the Earth. Or perhaps not.
Al K Hall: No, i’m pretty sure i am.
Babe: We’d like you even more if you had a Chick Beer in your hand, with a pink koozie.
Al K Hall: From your mouth to God’s Koozie, Babe from Chick Beer.
If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.