Dregs of the Week: October 31 – November 13, 2011 (and many more)

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Dregs, dregs, everywhere and not a drop to drink. We got a drunken 3-way that went down (literally) to a drunken 2-way that finished in a 1-way street straight to jail. We got them Wisconsin dregs which are so liquor sodden they may never get off the bottom. We got us co-ed buck naked drunk drivers of all sexes in two continents dregs. We got near beer for bitches and other dogs as well dregs plus more drunken celebrities than you can shake your stick at.

From the juiced-box and dedicated to this week’s miscreants…from Katy Perry’s lips to your ears: Katy Perry – Last Friday Night. [Press ‘Play’ for a song that goes, “Last Friday night / Yeah I think we broke the law / Always say we’re gonna stop /Whoa-oh-oah.” In fact, this song is so entirely about going out and getting shit faced that i’ve included allthe lyrics down in the Bar None Dregs at the bottom.]

Commoner Dregs

November 8: Threesome-thing Else

What were you doing when you were 22? If you were anything like me and you were a guy, you were touching yourself while fantasizing about a 3-way sex romp with two girls. This Jorge Daniel Silva kid had it all in the palm of his hand and i don’t mean his frothing protein stick because he had two probably really hot girls (and even if they weren’t, who cares!? THEY WERE 2 GIRLS AND THEY WERE MAKING OUT IN FRONT OF HIM) making out in front of him and they wanted him to join in. So what  does this drunken bastitch do?

Warning: When i tell you, you may well never want to drink again, so keep reading only if you want to be dry for the rest of your life because this guy was so drunk HE GOT JEALOUS. His wife was one of the willing participants in this hole affair, after he talked her into it, but when she kissed the other babe he got so jealous he started beating on his wife. The babes ran into another room but Hi Ho’ Silva thought they ladies were gettin’ down to business in there so he kicked down the door, punched his wife some more and when the other woman tried to stop him, he wailed on her, too.

The funny thing is, when he sobers up, he’s going to be beating himself up worse than he ever did the ladies.

Bar None's Artist's Hallucination of Hole Affair

October 27: Blame It On Ohio This woman, Erin Holdsworth, had everything going for her. Thin, drunk and under 30 with a penchant for driving naked… what could go wrong? Quite a lot when you want to do all this at the same time.

i blame it all on the state that’s so boring even its name sounds like a yawn and i don’t mean the State of Inebriation but sometimes a daytrip there is the only ticket out of the ennui known as Ohio. Which would certainly explain why Barin’ Erin went barrelin’ past the cops at 110 mph and on her way to naked. The mandatory car chase ensued reaching speeds of up to 128 mph but not topping them because Erin had no topping. When she finally pulled over, she got out of her car wearing plastic wrap or some shit. Then she was all calm getting in the cop car, but once inside she freaked probably because she couldn’t find a pole and realized she’d been tricked and was not in a strip club but on her way to the pokey.

Speaking of pokies, there are some drawer shots of naked drivers “down there”. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.

October 30: Stick Shifting Not to be outdone or overdressed, some guy decided to export the sport of Nastycar racing to Moscow on a Sunday, for he too got super naked and bare ass drunk.

Here’s what’s kind of amazing. He was drunk driving, almost rammed a school bus full of children (which oughta teach those pesky Russkies not to send their children to school on Sundays), and connected with 17 cars, injuring several people but still the police had to chase him “across a large part of the capital”. The fuck!? Did the 17 cars not slow him down at all? i’m thinking the guy should get some kind of drunk driving medal of dishonor because 4 of the 17 cars were police cruisers.

Bar None Artist's Hallucination

November 8: Doggie Style Beer When is a beer not a beer? When it’s made with neither hops nor carbonation, has no alcohol and comes in two flavors: beef and chicken. Is this still a beer? i’m not convinced but Bowser Beer seems to think it is, because he’s marketing this sweet malt barley beverage as beer for dogs.

i dunno. The hops, alcohol and carbonation in beer is bad for the fairer pet and if you can’t use this to get a bitch drunk and screw the pooch, then it’s not beer in my book. Tell you what, i’ll rethink this when i  walk into a bar and the tender asks if i want my brew chicken or beef flavored.

You ask me and i’ma tell you even if you don’t, Chick Beer is real beer and is marketed for babes who aren’t dogs.

In Dog Beers, I've only had one.

Speaking of babes who aren’t dogs, there’s some drawer shots of this mess down there, too.

November Something: WisconSin

The 50 drunkest States in the US are… Not really, the 16 drunkest States are at the other end of that link above if you wanna go there, but i can tell you right now that the #1 Drunkest State in the US is Wisconsin. Just in case you’re having troubles picturing that, here’s what it looks like.

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Celebrity Dregs

Avril Lavigne in the Bar None - Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

November 6: Avril Goes Round for Round

If you’re going to whup one ass this year, let it be as fine as Avril Lavigne’s who got hers kicked outside a bar in the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. But people, come on! If you’re kicking ass then kick the ass—not the face! When it comes to asses, my motto has always been “Make love, not war.”

You know who got the worst of it though? The boyfriend, of course. You know me (and if you don’t then i’ve got just the thing to fill that empty hole), i don’t understand a lot about many things but what i’ve gotten out of this is that Avril got drunk and started talking shit with some other chicks and that got physical so her boyfriend was all like “Stop” so they dragged his ass into it and the boyfriends of the other chicks jumped in and jumped them and hit Brody Jenner (Avril’s penile implant).

Which, come one now, is totally understandable. Seriously, the price you pay to tap someone like Avril Lavigne’s ass is getting yours dragged into the shit and kicked twice yearly. Totally worth it, am i right?

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

You will not believe the drawer shots i got going on down there of this mess.

November 3: Something is Rottman in the State of Inebriation

i’m here to help y’all’s assess out with a piece… of advice. Which is, if you ever get pulled over for drunk driving, especially if you blow 0.19% in a state where the legal limit is 0.08%, which is all of them, then you should become a rich child star as fast as possible.

Like Ryan Rottman who is a star on Nickelodeon (did you know that isn’t an oxymoron?) who fucked all kinds of up but had the DUI knocked down to some baby reckless driving charge, which means no jail and a baby fine of $390. Maybe the judge felt sorry for him because he had to party with Zac Efron and Rumer Willis. Judge pro’lly figured thel poor kid had to be drunk to survive shit like that.

Miscellaneous Stars Who Got Wasted This Week

November 11: Liam Neeson Pees His Pants at Scotts in London

November 11: Goldie Han at Scotts in London

Bar None Dregs

WTF!?

Just to point out that Saint Pauly posted another one of those weird ass reviews over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). This time it’s about The Hangover.

Lyrics to “Last Friday Night”

There’s a stranger in my bed, There’s a pounding my head Glitter all over the room Pink flamingos in the pool I smell like a minibar DJ’s passed out in the yard Barbie’s on the barbeque There’s a hickie or a bruise Pictures of last night Ended up online I’m screwed Oh well It’s a black top blur But I’m pretty sure it ruled Last Friday night Yeah we danced on tabletops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we maxed our credit cards And got kicked out of the bar So we hit the boulevard Last Friday night We went streaking in the park Skinny dipping in the dark Then had a menage a trois Last Friday night Yeah I think we broke the law Always say we’re gonna stop-op Whoa-oh-oah This Friday night Do it all again This Friday night Do it all again Trying to connect the dots Don’t know what to tell my boss Think the city towed my car Chandelier is on the floor With my favorite party dress Warrants out for my arrest Think I need a ginger ale That was such an epic fail Pictures of last night Ended up online I’m screwed Oh well It’s a blacked out blur But I’m pretty sure it ruled Damn Last Friday night Yeah we danced on table tops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we maxed our credits card And got kicked out of the bars So we hit the boulevards Last Friday night We went streaking in the park Skinny dipping int he dark Then had a menage a trois Yeah I think we broke the law Always say we’re gonna stop-op Oh whoa oh This Friday night Do it all again Do it all again This Friday night Do it all again Do it all again This Friday night T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. Last Friday night Yeah we danced on table tops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we maxed our credit cards And got kicked out of the bar So we hit the boulevard Last Friday night We went streaking in the park Skinny dipping in the dark Then had a menage a trois Last Friday night Yeah I think we broke the law Always say we’re gonna stop Oh-whoa-oh This Friday night Do it all again

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Because not everyone wants to see my drawers… Continue reading

Thanks-Given

A little shout out to my American patronizers on this their day of thanks.

i’d like to take a moment out here to thank y’all today for showing up and joining the growing ranks (or is that “stench”?) of patronizers. We appreciate your presence and the time you’ve taken out of your day to be here.

As your (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, i’d like to remind you that i am nothing if not Thankful for your patronizing me. To prove that to you, here’s some gifts you guys can get all thankful about.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

NSFW Drunk & Demotivated – Click At Own Risk

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The Sexiest Man Alive…

My latest masterpiece got hung up over at The Bar None and only 6 of y’all even bothered to go there so i still got that wedged up in my craw further than a g-string up Kirstie Alley’s back alley when she bends over to pick up a dropped raisinette on the sidewalk.

i’m posting this to congratulate Bradley Cooper on winning People‘s Sexiest Man Alive 2011 and to let you know that, in honor of this great humanitarian feat, Saint Pauly posted a review of The Hangover over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).

For those of you who really and truly did come here for the sexy…

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Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN (pt 1)

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz – Cold

So, as you can see from the following shots and the date of this post…i saw this before the release date in the States. So i win. Or lose, depending on how much a Twinklite you are. Here’s the requisite proof that i busted a movie on your asses.

Ramblings: Twilite: Breaking Down

Final Proof: 1½ shots or 5 shots

or

You know how you get drunk in a bar where there are a coven of teenage girls who are too loud to be pitied and too selfish to be forgiven? We are all extras in their show, cast aways like broken cocktail umbrellas they have snapped with callous flicks of their fingers. If you are a were-bitch in that pack the bar is yours, but for us by-sitters your presence is a thing to be ignored or avoided completely if at all possible. i would be more forgiving if they were first timers and didn’t know any better about how to act when making the scene, but the fact is they are repeat offenders and insist on coming back and coming back and coming back and each time they act worse. This is the kind of bitter reflux anger i felt watching Twilight: Breaking Dawn (part 1).

i cannot tell you how much i loved this movie. i cannot tell you this because i didn’t love it. i can tell you all about how much i didn’t like it though.

Plus this isn’t even me just being better than the movie. Breaking Wind just isn’t that well made. The script lags, there’s no real action, no real characterization, no real character development, the narrative arc is flat and all those other super technical movie terms are lame too. Proof, when i saw the move, there were a lot of Twink-lites in the cinema and they applauded when it was over, as any self respecting Twinklite will unless they’re having their first period or their training bra is loose and slipping around inside their shirts. They clapped at the end yes, but they also laughed out loud at two scenes in the movie. This tells me that they came expecting to love the movie as much as i came expecting to hate on it and so, no matter what preconceptions we entered the movie with, what we saw could not shake us from our opinion.

Unless—and just the fantasy of this is enough to make my wood chuck something higher than Christina Aguilera snorting beer yeast—unless maybe the movie is the most subtle comedy of all time ever since the creation of the universe. Remember how everyone knew that Joaquin Phoenix wasn’t really a rap star? What if Twilight is that same kind of dark farce, only good, and we’re meant to be laughing at it? Maybe it’s a wry social commentary and 5 years after the last episode is thrown upon us like fruity cocktails from a freshly washed debutante’s dirty mouth, the producers and the directors come out and tell us that it was all a massive joke and even one or two of the stars commit suicide because they’d believed this shit all along. Well, if that ever happens, Barmaids and Beerhounds, you remember what i said right here and now. Anyway, that’s why maybe i gave this movie 5 shots because maybe it’s a comedy and if it is…holy wow shit.

You know how i know it’s Twilight?

  • Robert Pattinson wears more makeup than Kristen Stewart throughout the entire movie
  • It takes only 10 seconds into the movie for Taylor Lautner to remove his shirt
  • You can never ever have enough dream sequences
  • Bella drinks blood through a straw from a styrofoam cup
  • The wedding is more boring than the stranger’s wedding your bed buddy dragged you to
  • Edward and Bella play chess on their honeymoon. A lot.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 shot

“Just hurry up and get it over with.”

Not only are the boys sexier than the girls in this thing, but the director makes a concentrated effort to de-sexify Kristen Stewart. How wrong is that? Used to be us Twi-bites could go to these brain wrecks knowing that despite how atrocious the whole thing was, we could find small solace in knowing that at least we could look at hot babes for a couple hours. You know what we get for 2 hours here? Check it.

Whatever. Here’s a brief rundown of my notes:

  • The Wedding Kiss: Not so much kissing as tongue fucking each other’s faces
  • Titty blocking. Kristen Stewart’s boobs are hidden by sheets, water and cut off by the screen. Oh yeah, there’s a lot of vampire titty blocking going on as well.
  • Ooh, there is one scene when we get to see some side boob and maybe even a peak at a nipple. Not worth buying the Blu-ray for. It’ll probably look like a little like this:

Speaking of dry humping, let’s start off with a look at a drunken Nikki Reed who played Rosalie Hale and should never go blonde in real life. Here’s what Nikki means when she says she’s going to get a hold of Robert Pattinson.

Nikki Reed Drunk and Horny in the Bar None

So here’s Nikki Reed (23) looking a lot better as a natural brunette than the fake blonde crap they slopped her in for the movie.

There’s a lot more drawer shots of her down there below.

As long as we’re on Kristen Stewart (21)…she was hot in a white bikini but after that she stayed butt ugly for the rest of this movie. Like we go to a movie like this to see her act, right? Unbelievable. If you want Kristin Stewart hot, don’t go to the movie—come here instead.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There are tons of shots of her filling my drawers down there, as well.

Ashley Greene (24) plays Edward’s something and so she wants to help Bella do something. She can read people’s minds, except when it matters. The couldn’t dye her hair blonde to make her ugly because they already did that with Nikki Reed. They couldn’t make her look anoregnant because they already did that with Kristen Stewart. What did they find to ugly her up? A hair cut that looks like it was styled by a garbage disposal. This collage is tons better.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Keep scrolling down with your index finger until you reach my drawers.

Anna Kendrick (26) appeared in the film only long enough to make a toast at the wedding and then she took off to still have a career. Other than the drawer shots down below, i’ve got this one of Anna in the Bar None with Robert Pattinson who really licks her a lot.

Also, we can’t forget Maggie “State of” Grace (28) from Lost (she was the blonde socialite Ginger-esque babe) and now Twilight. i’m not saying she didn’t make an impression, but i wouldn’t be surprised to learn she wasn’t really in this. Here’s something that will certainly stick in your memory and other things longer than her role in the film.

i got some shots at the bottom of my drawers.

Silken Butterflies

Unknown and underused is the lovely MyAnna Buring (27) as Tanya Denali. Let me give you an idea of why My Anna is Buring.

For those of you who bat for Team Ed Woody and not Team Bell-ass, here’s some sparkly candy for ya.

Taylor Lautner (19) hungover…

and Robert Pattinson (25) drunk

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

If you want the hot shots, you’re gonna have to scroll down to where Pattinson hangs out in my drawers.

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

Yeah, like there’s gonna be any kind of serious drinking in this thing. At least there was some champagne swilling at the wedding. And some pretty ridiculous toasts because they have more romance in almost any random episode of Friends than in Breaking Wind (fart 1). Which, in fact, is why i gave this section half a shot because check out this toast from one of the vampire bros:

I hope you got enough sleep for 18 years because you won’t get any more.

See what i mean about the movie being a very subtle comedy?

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Going back to the comedy, though.

The werewolves have a conversation in human language when they’re wolves and their mouths don’t even move. That cracked me up, but not as much as Edward putting his hand on Bella’s pregnant belly and telling her what the baby was saying. That’s the one that convinced me this whole series of movies is the most intellectual satire ever made.

But the rock and roll? Lol, yeah, not much of that.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Stephenie Meyer (novel Breaking Dawn) and Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay)

Directed by: Bill Condon

Starring

Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan
Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen
Anna Kendrick – Jessica
Nikki Reed – Rosalie Hale
Maggie Grace – Irina Denali
MyAnna Buring – Tanya Denali
Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen
Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black

Bottom Line

If you can look on this as an intellectual comedy, you’ll love it. If you took the first couple installments seriously, you’ll be disappointed by this one but not enough to tell yourself the truth about how truly awful it is.

Breaking Dawn 2 Bar None Booze Revooze

Click to Read My Slaughter of Breaking Dawn Part 2

Only drawer shots after this. No more wit.

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Robert Downey Jr Wants You…

to forgive Mel Gibson.

From the juiced-box and Mel Gibson’s heart: Evanescence – Forgive Me

[Press ‘Play’ to hear Amy Lee make the same demands as Mel Gibson, only better]

You know me (and if you don’t there’s a cure for that), i’m all about the RDJr. A talented actor who hit the kind of bottoms that kill most people, he went into recovery and came back shining like a beacon to souls lost at sea, without losing any of the edge that makes him one of the best actors of his generation. A person who can serve as an example in both their personal and professional lives is like a Gucci life saver: priceless and feels good to have around you.

This Guy's Ready For Anything

The short version of this is that if Downey asked me to chew off my own balls with Amy Winehouse’s rotting teeth, i’d ask if he wanted me to start with the right or the left love bulb.

Which makes it very tough and more than a little hypocritical of me to say i won’t forgive Mel Gibson.

Especially hypocritical because in my Al K Hall Anonymous blog i’m all about the compassion: self compassion, compassion for others, a round of compassion on me for everyone all the way around.

Why am i holding out on some compassion for Mel, you so rightly ask?

Is it because he’s displayed anti-Semitic behavior more than once, and my children are Jewish? Is it because he’s beaten his wife, driven drunk, and demonstrated prejudice towards black people? What about threatening to burn down his children’s home while they slept inside it?

No. i, myself, know too well the gut shot burn of shame inflicted by going off half cocked. i have executed far too many wrongs to say someone else isn’t right, committed too many sins to be holier than thou, behaved far too criminally against others to judge anyone.

No. The thing i can’t look past is his future.

i don’t see him taking any steps to ensure these errors don’t happen again. i  hit some ugly bottoms myself and i continue to make mistakes in my sobriety, but i’m in recovery and actively working a 12-step program daily. Mel Gibson goes to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings drunk.

What i need to see from Mel Gibson is less contrition and more contribution. More action and less acting.

i’ll honor Robert Downey Jr’s request and forgive Mel Gibson when Mel Gibson starts acting more like Robert Downey Jr.

Until then, i forgive Robert Downey Jr for asking me to forgive Mel Gibson.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Finally, an Al K Hall original from the Bar None‘s Drunk and Demotivated page…

Celebrity Dregs of the Week: October 14 – 30, 2011 (and lots more)

Yesterday’s blogs overflowethed so hard that i had no choice but to split it up into bitty bite sized shots. So after yesterday’s Commoner Dregs, i’m proud and a little embarrassed to present this week’s

Celebrity Dregs

October 11: T-Totally

You know who’s cool? Of course you don’t, that’s why you come here so i can tell you and i’m telling you right now that it’s Denzel Washington. He’s cool because he went to a bar with some of his peeps and he didn’t drink a drop. Still, out to give t-totalers a good name, he spent 5 grand buying his peeps shit like

  • 5 bottles of Ciroc vodka
  • 5 bottles of Don Julio
  • 5 bottles of Moët Rosé

Plus, you know where he got all that change to be so generous? That’s the prize money you end up with when you’re sober, Barmaids and Beerhounds.

October 3: P Didn’ty

On the other hand, the only thing P Diddy is making a good impression on is his fake leather bean bag chair. The official alcoholic for Ciroc vodka got pissed when some guy named Kevin Burns burned his butt for drinking Grey Goose, which is who pays Kevin Burns to get drunk anyway. Things got so tense at the BET Awards that another person called “T. I.” (“What would you like to name your son Mr & Mrs I?” “Uhm…T. Yeah, that’s it: T.”) had to separate them.

October 13: Get Leal, Retch

Sara Leal is heartbroken. If only she’d known Ashton was married! C’mon, it’s not like it was common knowledge or anything.  If she’d ever learned how to read at a sufficient level for People, she wouldn’t have to go around getting all this money for talking about her slutty self. Or maybe she’s a drunken party slut fame whore. Who’s drunk.

She can find comfort in the knowledge that she won’t have to go through her tabloid pregnancy alone, though.

Aww, He Has His Father's Penis

October 18: Shia stains in his trousers

You already knew Shia Leboeuf was an alcoholic like me because i already told you that shit right here, except he’s not totally like me because he doesn’t own it like i do. Also he’s not like me because i was never the kind of angry ass drunk he is ’cause he was in a bar and got thrown out for getting rowdy in someone’s face. Then outside, he got in a fight if  “getting in a fight” means that someone who hasn’t shaved his beer belly knocks you to the ground and repeatedly punches you in your face.

You know how else i know Shia has problems? The dude he got beat up by is Canadian.

October 27: Everything i Learned About Michael Lohan, i Learned on Celebrity Rehab

Apparently Michael Lohan got out of jail last week or something and i think it’d save everyone a lot of time and paperwork and mugshot film if they just kept him locked up because that’s where he wants to be anyway. Why else would the first thing he does when he gets out of jail be to call the woman he beat up to get into jail the first time?

He was apparently drunk dialing her so the cops though he was a threat and rolled up to his place so he did the drunk thing and jumped off a third floor balcony. Then he tried to hide in a bunch of trees.

i just wish i could be as funny as this guy is.

October 17: Hannah Montana Boy is Actually a Male! (and he got busted for DUI)

Mitchel Musso Mug shot

In the year 2525, there’s going to be the reunion film of Hannah Montana, and that’s not a threat that’s a promise.

In one scene, Oliver Oken (Mitchel Musso) is going to be lying in bed with Hannah’s brother, Jackson, inserting vodka bottles into places that can’t swallow. Then Oliver / Mitchel’s gonna break down in tears and sob about how one night when he was driving home, traffic cops smelled booze on his breath and had him do a field sobriety test, which he bombed as bad he he already was. Then he was stupider than Redneck Furry Todd in yesterday’s Dregs because he accepted the breathalyzer which showed he was well over 0.08%. Plus, he was underage because he was only 20.

“It’s behind you now,” Jackson says, caressing Mitchel’s behind now.

“Yes,” Mitchel answers, continuing to cry, “that’s the problem! I was hoping to go to prison and get broken in right as some big mother’s bottom bitch.”

The real tragedy is, that’s a true story. At least the DUI part.

The good news is that in 2006-2007 Musso had the good sense to choose co-star Emily Osment as his beard so i’m allowed to do an exposé of her and not him.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

i got some Emily shots stuffed in my drawers. All you gotta do to see ’em is scroll all the way down.

October 21: Kelly Clarkson Drunk Stalks Country Star Miranda Lambert

i’ve been talking enough today. Let’s get it straight from the horse’s…young lady’s mouth.

Every time I run into her [Miranda Lambert], usually I’m intoxicated and I’m slurring, ‘We need to sing a song!’ at her. She says she wants to do it, but every time she has an album coming out, I do too, so we’re both too busy. Or she’s sidestepping me.

Kelly, if she’s avoiding you, you can always come to the Bar None and hang out with us. This is what that would look like.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There are some Kelly Clarkson shots filling my drawers down there.

Miscellaneous Stars Who Partied Drunk

October 20: Zac Efron at The Box in Soho

What's that stain on your crotch, bro?

October 25: Jenny McCarthy at the Trousdale nightclub in West Hollywood

What's that stain on your shirt, babe?

October 22: Micaela Schaefer in Berlin, Germany

i got a couple more shots of that deep in my drawers down below.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Emily Osment (19)

Kelly Clarkson (29)

Micaela Schaefer (28)

Sara Leal (23)

I Want This Many Fingers of Vodka

WARNING! Final Shot is NSFW!

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Commoner Dregs of the Week: October 14 – 30, 2011 (and lots more)

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

As soon as i start climbing out, they start piling more dregs on top of me. Included in these dregs i’m trying to sift through are naked drunk drivers, a Brit stuck in a toilet seat, a Limey who ran himself over, a female ball biter, the Pabst Blue Ribbon Belly, the hypocritical politician (OK, the drunken hypocritical politician–OK, the arrested drunken hypocritical politician), the guy who missed the girl on girl action at Oktoberfest and should’ve come here instead of what he did and way more than a human being could ever shake their limp stick at. Fuck it and drink to it.

From the juiced-box and someone else who will drink to that: Rihanna – Cheers (Drink To That)

[Press ‘Play’ to drink with Rihanna]

Commoner Dregs

October 13: Real Friends Make Bomb Threats

i kicked off this post with some belated Oktoberfest festivities in honor of Daniel Ford Artley. You know how i know this guy’s a loser? He called the Snowbird Ski Lodge and told them a Pakistani colleague who didn’t like Americans had planted a bomb there and it was set to go off in 15 minutes. Authorities evacuated the Oktoberfest celebration and there was no bomb but at least Danny Boy was idiot enough to call from his own house so his home number showed up on caller ID when he made the threat.

He told arresting officers that he made the call because a friend of his had gone to the Oktoberfest party and Fartley thought the threat might mean the friend would have to come home early and they could hang out.

In the intro i posted the pretty side of Oktoberfest, but Daniel missed out on more than just drunken hot girls kissing each other all the time. He also missed out on this, the ugly side of Oktoberfest.

October 5: The Ride of Her Life

His

i  wanna eat at Luigi’s in Farmington, Michigan. Apparently Luigi’s is called a family restaurant because the food is so good it makes people want to start a family. Or maybe sleep with people from their family, i’m not sure, because Tim Adams who’s only like 54 was pulled naked from a Buick Regal that was all steamed up and rockin’ because he was rocking it with Rita Daniels, 71. The Regal was in Luigi’s parking lot, near the front door and i’m so jealous, not because John can leave a grandma with that kind of sweaty glow, but because he was charged with indecent exposure (sure) but also disorderly intoxication and in my 30 years of drinking, i was never accused of that. OK, legally.

Hers

October 24: He Has a Gut of Gold

For those of you out there who still believe women are interested in you for more than your liquor or your money, check this out. The Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer heir (yes, the King of the whole Trailer Park) has a beer belly but his girlfriend has 6-pack abs.

Bucks and booze be all the babes believe in.

October 5: Feeling Run Down

You’ve been tired, sure, but have you ever been “tired“? Next time you wake up from a nap still feeling a little run down, check your back for tire tracks because maybe you were. Like maybe you were so drunk driving that you ran yourself over. What, it could happen.

It did in England, to Andrew Haimes (47). He was found by police sleeping under his car after he got drunk and got out of the van, left it in gear, passed out in front of it, and it ran him over. First off, Haimless, thanks for making everyone in the Bar None look like rocket scientists. Second, no offense, brother, but if the van rolled over your balls and popped them like grapes then you wouldn’t be able to pass your dirty, old genes onto future drinkers. Just sayin’.

Just One More, For The Road

October 11: He Shouldn’ta Shot His Mouth Off

Curry Todd is the name of a chicken, but not a chicken meal. This official Tennessee redneck is the one who fought for your right to take your gun into a bar. Left on his own he probably would have also advocated tuna dinners in the home for blind lesbians and porcupine pocket pets, but he was stopped on his way to the top for drunk driving.

Dude was pulled over late at night and failed a road sobriety test with the honorable mention from the cops that Todd was “almost falling down at times”. Todd refused a breathalyzer, which was probably his only good idea of the night because the cops also said Curry was “obviously very impaired and not in any condition to be carrying a loaded handgun.”

Because, oh, yeah, he wasn’t the only thing loaded. There was 38 tucked between the seat and the console.

Speaking of good ideas, here’s something up Curry’s alley.

Or this…

October 18: Turd Gets Stuck in Toilet Seat

If your drinking game doesn’t end with someone stuck in a toilet seat, you’re playing it wrong. Or you’re not English.

This 26 year old bloke from Tudhoe (which is just code for “Turdhole”) was with friends playing “Can You Fit This Over Your Head?”  i’m sure the first thing they tried was his buddy’s ass but because they’re English that would not have been a problem to slip on and off, so the next thing they tried was a toilet seat. This, being narrower than an English man’s ass, got stuck on the guy’s body and after 2 hours of writhing (where he probably didn’t get much drinking done) he waddled to the fire department where they had to cut the seat off of him. i’m sure he was flushed.

We Got a Safer Toilet Drinking Game in the Bar None

October #: She’s Got Big Balls. No, Really.

Here’s what happens when tea bags go horribly, horribly wrong.

In a drunken brawl, Maria Georgina Topp took her boyfriend’s nutsack in her mouth, bit down and ripped that bag of tender jewels clean off. This may very well be the only time you hear me say that spitting is preferable to swallowing because the guy was able to get his balls sewed back on with 19 stitches. Topp says she was too drunk to say she remembered what happened but her attorney’s are saying the man was on Topp, straddling her when the incident occurred. Hurl Grey, anyone?

Bar None's Artist Hallucination of What That Looked Like

Bitch is just lucky her boyfriend wasn’t Wesley Warren Jr. This poor bastich has two big problems and by “big” i mean 50 pounds each. Wes has scrotal elephantiasis so he has 100-pound balls. i’d like to see Maria Georgina Topp try to gnaw those things off. Hell, ol’ Wes’d probably thank her and give her a tip.

Bar None Dregs

Kicking things off here, i wanna thank John D from Crawley for become a subscribing patronizer of the Bar None. God Bless You and Give You Money, John, and may your time here be well wasted.

If you, too, would like to see your name up in lights, or like this, alls you gotta do is click on the “subscribe” button at the top of the column over there.

The Bar None

While i’m throwing up the thanks, i’d like to give a shout out to Bukowski’s Basement, Andrea, Ingar, Raquel, and, as usual, The Rod for “Liking” The Bar None. What’s a good bar without a handful of regulars?

And just because they were there first, they got to see tons of fun stuff, like my new bad habit, Drunk & Demotivated. Exclusive to the Bar None. And here. And a lot of other places maybe.

Al K Hall-is Anonymous

Lest we forget. As raunchy as i get here, i do have a softer side to my recovery (y’all do remember i haven’t had a drop to drink since January 2011, right?). If you’re interested in my journey through recovery with more friends and more support and fewer boobs, check out Al K Hall-ic Anonymous.

To tie this one off for the night, i’m going to post the Celeb Dregs pro’lly tomorrow or the day after. Will you be here?

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.