Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.
“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.
And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.
What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?
1a. Toys for Boys
1b. Toys for Chicks
2. Toys for Neither
3. For the Makers Marksmen
4. For the Festive Drinker
5. For Those with a Green Tongue
6. Drunk Test #1
Drunk Test #2
7. For the Impractical Joker
8. For the Fashion Unconscious
9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me
10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?
And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif