10 New Beers Resolutions (A Top 10 Lips)

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Here it is, the beginning of another year and you’re starting it off wishing you could forget the few memories still hanging on from last night. i know, and how else could i know except i’ve been in the exact same places you are now. Well, not exactly the same because i don’t even know your sister so how could i be passed out on the cement floor of the bathroom in her unfinished basement where he husband insisted we sleep because our puke is bound to be heroically pungent after all the imitation crab legs we nuked on shiny paper plates with slabs of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”.

Even if i haven’t been there specifically, i’ve been there before and it’s not because i’m sober today that i don’t recall ringing in the new year with a bell that clanged too fucking loudly and sounded like a hangover.

As your (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, i’m here to help by knocking one item off the to-do list scrawled on the back of the leaf you’re in too much pain to turn over at the moment. Here, then, are the

Ten Drinking Resolutions You’ve Made for 2012

1. I Resolve To Hold My Liquor Better

2. I Resolve To Sit Up Straight No Matter How Drunk i Am

3. I Resolve Not To Spill My Drink

4. I Resolve Not To Dance While Drunk

5. I Resolve Not To Play With Fire When Drinking

6. I Resolve Not To Get A Tattoo If i’m Drunk

7. I Resolve To Remember Cardboard Is Not A Costume

8. I Resolve Not To Go Native

9. I Resolve To Stop Sleeping Around

10. I Resolve To Pass Out In A Bed

BONUS ROUND: Click at your own risk and watch your step:

11. I Resolve To Observe Correct Usage of Toilets

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8 thoughts on “10 New Beers Resolutions (A Top 10 Lips)

    • Hi Adam’s Daughter!

      Welcome to the Bar None!

      Pull up a chair, put your feet on the table and what can i get you to drink?

      Thanks for the visit, i’m glad i could get a rise out of you. And your site is always good for a laugh as well.

      Come back a lot!

      And thanks for patronizing me,

      Al K Hall

  1. As much as I care about the environment, I resolve not to drink “recycled” beer (cuz GOD, that’s what it tasted like).

  2. Erm, My funny, strange and SOBER wonderful writer, you have been tagged and nominated for the Versatile Blog award (by me) and about 20 other people!!!! See iamnotshe.workpress.com for the way to rock the barnone into Award Greatness. Keep it cool and funny, and S O B E R! You are great! Say hello to Ms. Demeanor for me! mel

    • Thanks so much for the Award, Meliss!

      It’s like i told Jen, i only do this shit for the awards, so it’s about time i started getting some!

      Seriously, i’m glad you get a kick out of the site and hope to see you back more often.

      Thanks for patronizing me,

      Al K Hall

      PS i’ll get around to doing the award requirements eventually! Right now i don’t stop not stopping, but as soon as i get a couple minutes down time…

    • The Rod!

      Yeah, i wrote this post mostly just for you, brother. We didn’t know how to break it to you so we decided i would put together a whole post and try to sneak that tidbit right in the soft middle.

      Thanks for patronizing me,

      Al K Hall

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