Here it is, the beginning of another year and you’re starting it off wishing you could forget the few memories still hanging on from last night. i know, and how else could i know except i’ve been in the exact same places you are now. Well, not exactly the same because i don’t even know your sister so how could i be passed out on the cement floor of the bathroom in her unfinished basement where he husband insisted we sleep because our puke is bound to be heroically pungent after all the imitation crab legs we nuked on shiny paper plates with slabs of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”.
Even if i haven’t been there specifically, i’ve been there before and it’s not because i’m sober today that i don’t recall ringing in the new year with a bell that clanged too fucking loudly and sounded like a hangover.
As your (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, i’m here to help by knocking one item off the to-do list scrawled on the back of the leaf you’re in too much pain to turn over at the moment. Here, then, are the
Ten Drinking Resolutions You’ve Made for 2012
1. I Resolve To Hold My Liquor Better
2. I Resolve To Sit Up Straight No Matter How Drunk i Am
3. I Resolve Not To Spill My Drink
4. I Resolve Not To Dance While Drunk
5. I Resolve Not To Play With Fire When Drinking
6. I Resolve Not To Get A Tattoo If i’m Drunk
7. I Resolve To Remember Cardboard Is Not A Costume
8. I Resolve Not To Go Native
9. I Resolve To Stop Sleeping Around
10. I Resolve To Pass Out In A Bed
BONUS ROUND: Click at your own risk and watch your step:
11. I Resolve To Observe Correct Usage of Toilets