From the intelligentsia that brought you eye shots and butt chugging…
Now, how many times have people called you a drunk asshole? How many times have you gotten drunk off your ass? Has anyone ever told you to take that drink and shove it up your ass? Guess what, now you can.
There’s a not so new fad that’s snaked its way into the back door of America’s youth and it comes in the form of a tampon. Apparently, you’re not anybody until you’ve doused a vampire’s teabag with vodka and wedged it up your rectum.
What will they think of next? Hopefully something that actually works because one journalist chick tried this for reals and said it just made her feel a little light headed, but i’m thinking that may just come from bending over in a toilet stall and trying to back a drunk driver up the Hershey highway.
Lindsay Lohan was spotted like a leopard in my Gramma’s yoga pants which is just where Henry Hopper wants her. His dad is the late Dennis Hopper and guess what, he’s so late he’s not even coming because he’s dead. To imagine that what grew from his man yeast is now out on a booze run with “Mo-han Full Is A Waste” must have Dennis rolling one in his grave.
Not to worry, Hop-Head, she wasn’t using him for his peen work but rather his puny arms because she bought more booze than she could carry, which is a lot because girl can hold her liquor until she starts hurling it at people.
Oh yes she did. Mrs Demeanor, otherwisely known as my wife, finally started that blog about being married to someone like me. She named it after our sex life, now what?, and you can get there by clicking on the link.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Karen O covering “The Immigrant Song”
[Press ‘Play’ for The Shit]
Ramblings: Draggin’ Tattoo
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with a journalist? Sure they know how to drink and they pound them back before you can blink, but their bar chatter doesn’t matter ’cause it’s nothing more than radio static when they give you the facts and nothing but the facts, man, the facts are cold and not all that hard, in fact. Maybe what would be cool would be a little life, a little feeling, something with more dimension than the page because if you want to get involved with this guy you’re gonna need something deeper than drink and juicier to sink your teeth into than just paper. More than just words. Unfortunately, words is all we get with The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.
Lisbeth Gives Good Head-lines
The first thing they teach you in preschool fiction classes is “Wipe your ass when you take a dump”. The second, and ultimately less important lesson is, “Show, don’t tell.” Then it’s, “Write what yo know,” but right now i’m talking about rule number 2. This means it’s better to describe someone eating their own tongue because they’re just that hungry rather than saying, “He was rather peckish.”
Steig Larson did a good job of this in his books that i even read for once, but the problem is that when you read the books you’re like, oh my god that was intense because he shows (and not tells) his shit so well. Unfortunately, David Fincher thought if he showed the book then he’d do the same but movies don’t work like that. What zoomed by in the novels tripped up the script so that the movie fell on its face. Fincher knew the rules in Fight Club and Se7en but forgot about it for real by the time he got to Zodiac.
What “Fincher? I don’t even know her!” did, basically, was make a page by page movie of the book, which was good enough if you know how to read, but… Imagine a camera pointed at the page of a book and you have to read the page and then the director asks you if you’ve finished and when you have he turns the page.
Obviously the movie wasn’t that bad or else i wouldn’t have given it 3 shots. Fincher filmed flipping pages very stylistically. You know what the biggest problem i have is with this? The fucking opening credits with the song i tacked on up top were as cool as hell, but after that the movie was a lot of characters explaining their motivation for doing shit. i don’t want to hear them talk about shit, i want to watch them do it.
On the other hand, the casting was spot on, which makes sense if he’s doing a word by word version of the novel, but still, the people on screen are exactly the people i had in my head when i was sounding out the words for the big fat books. One interesting side effect of this was Rooney Mara, an American actress, speaking English with a Swedish accent because the movie takes place in Sweden. Either she should speak Swedish or normal English, right? i mean, Fincher is making a movie about Jules Verne’s Captain Nemo, so is he going to have Tom Cruise (or whoever) act with a French accent?
The final problem with this movie was the pacing. After 2 hours of explaining everything in minute detail, Son-of-a-Fincher looked at his watch and realized he still had half the book left so he went directly from 1st to 5th gear and rushed to get everything in so fast it looked like War & Peace as a 2 minute music video shot by McG. Nah, the problem with this Tattoo is that i can’t get it off and it can’t get me off either.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 3 Shots
An interesting combination if you ask me because i’m a fan of skinny waifish types but not in the overly tattooed or heavily pierced (except Mrs D who has a very beautiful half sleeve and a couple tasteful piercings) and Rooney Mara goes both ways here.
Except the funky accent thing that i blame the director, Mara does a solid job as Lisbeth Salander. She invested a lot of herself in the role and came off as believable in the part which there was no way i was gonna believe before the first shots of her started dribbling out over the internet.
Here’s a mix of the before and the after.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You know how i know she threw herself into the role? She went all naked and didn’t even care who cared. Naked in the shower, naked twice in two different sex scenes and especially the second one. Don’t believe me if you don’t want to, i know how you are, but if you don’t you can check out inside my drawers at the bottom of this post for a NSFW poster of The Girl with Dragon Tattoo. Because i’m all about equality in posting, there’s also a NSFW picture of Daniel Craig in the bathtub being cocky.
Before that, though, Robin Wright was generous enough to be in this movie and act so well i didn’t even recognize it was her until i got back home because she looked so much like i’d imagined the character that i forgot it was an actress and not Erika Berger herself.
Something this Wright can’t be wrong.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
More shots of her in the drawers, straight down there.
You know who else i found in TGWTDT? Joely Richardson and i’m not even kidding. She was the wife in Nip/Tuck and there and here in Tattoo she was beautiful as she was talented and that’s saying a lot. Check it out…
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There are some très Joely pix of her in my drawers if you care enough to scroll down to the very best.
Lucky for us there were a lot of Silken Butterflies in this bad girl and i’m thinking it’s because the movie was shot in Sweden and you can’t swing a dead snowman up there without getting a little of the white stuff on some random hottie (and i’m talking about snow, you pervs).
For example, we got Anna Björk as Young Isabella Vanger who did a very good job acting young or maybe it came naturally because she looks as good as all this.
Then, because they got Silken Butterflies galore in this movie, we get Mathilda von Essen as Young Anita Vanger and this is where you need to start counting your blessings they had gobs of “Young” parts in the movie. This is what we were blessed with, for example.
Not to leave anyone out, there was also a Frenchie babe in this! Her name is Elodie Yung (told you they had a lot of Yung parts) and she played Miriam Wu who is the hottie who played with Lisbeth Salander and we even got to see them in bed and naked (especially Rooney/Lisbeth) the morning after they hooked up in the bar for what started as a finger bang and led to a full fledged bed explosion they didn’t show until the next morning when Daniel Craig stopped by Lisbeth’s place. Here’s what sucked Lisbeth in.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
For those of you who are more into Tat than Ooze, there was Daniel Craig. Which goes something like this.
Danny Has A Package For You
Daniel Craig in the Bar None
There’s a collage in the drawers that includes a NSFW photo of Daniel Craig going off half cocked.
Drink: 3 Shots
i was kinda surprised by this. Most of the drinking was incidental and had nothing to do with the plot so normally i shouldn’t be all going up to 3 shots but the sheer volume of the drinking and the drinking references caused my cup to overfloweth.
Wine at post trial cocktail party
Scotch while old guy tells story of mystery
Wine for dinner that same evening
Lisbeth arrested for intoxication [reference]
Wine (claret) at Martin’s dinner party
Emptying two mini bottles of vodka into a double on the plane
Scotch in tall glasses before the fire
Frode drinks scotch
Many references to alcoholism in the family
Rock & Roll: 2 Shots
[Press ‘Play’ for more intense Catherine-O / Reznor remake action action.]
And the first one was a bitter shot.
i’m referring, of course, to the rape scene. Because “Ha Ha Made You” Finch made a movie of the book he filmed the rape scene and it’s easier for me to read rape because i don’t understand all the big words so i can distance myself from it. i hate rape, no, really hate it. i hate it more than most people is what i’m saying so i got really uncomfortable watching the rape scenes here, but i also like to watch revenge stories so the revenge part was cool when Lisbeth got revenge. But not the rape part. i dunno, maybe it would’ve been better if the rest of the movie had the same amount of violence but, as it was, the violence stuck out like a sore loser.
The second shot comes from the tuneage, which was freaky cool because i liked it a lot in the movie but then when i came home and found it on the net and borrowed it, i didn’t like it so much except for the first song (the Zeppelin cover i put at the top) and the last song, the cover of Bryan Ferry’s “Is Your Love Strong Enough” which is just up there ↑.
Boring Technical Crap
Stieg Larsson (novel Män som hatar kvinnor)
Steven Zaillian (screenplay)
Directed by: David Fincher
Rooney Mara – Lisbeth Salander
Robin Wright – Erika Berger
Joely Richardson – Anita Vanger
Anna Björk – Young Isabella Vanger
Mathilda von Essen – Young Anita Vanger
Elodie Yung – Miriam Wu
Daniel Craig – Mikael Blomkvist
Go for it if you read the book and want to see what it looks like. If not, go and see the Swedish version and tell me how good it was.
And just like that i was proven wrong once again. ‘Member those Harry Potter movies back from when you were a kid? Remember how i said they sucked? Well, they still do. But remember how i said Daniel Radical-if was a closet alcoholic? Yeah, i was right about that, too.
In fact, turns out i was proven right once again. Looks like Daniel Radical was doing more in the closet than we thought because he had something to drink in addition to something to swallow.
Radical-if he was telling the truth spills the news about the booze when he talks about the period he was drinking nightly. As in every night. Damn good thing i waited until today to become super famous and not when i was 22 because i wouldn’t have just got drunk every night, i’d have dipped my magic wand in every hairy pot i could find, locking myself deep at the bottom of her chamber of secrets and guzzling fire water from the goblet until i wound up in a deathly shallow grave.
That Radical drank a lot doesn’t freak me out, in fact i admire his candor about his drinking, like when he says,
I can honestly say I never drank at work on ‘Harry Potter’. I went into work still drunk, but I never drank at work.
Nah, what really surprised me was when he went,
I can point to many scenes where I’m just gone. Dead behind the eyes.
This is really fucking impressive because he fucking acts dead behind the eyes all the time, so if he can tell when he was sober and when he was drunk on set…just wow.
Just like german beer, he gets a little darker, too.
I loved the fact I suddenly could talk to people and feel so entertaining and so interesting. But after a while, you’re living under such a cloud of shame about what you’ve done and the dread of who you might see, what you might have said to them, what you might have done with them.
Welcome to the club, Daniel. If you want, we got our own little Hogwarts going on here that we like to call the Bar None and you don’t need an invitation from an owl to join. i’m not saying we can get you off the booze, i’m just saying it’s a cool place to hang out while you figure out what to do next.