How ’bout a little shot of Sheriff: Dave Sheriff – My Friend Jack (Daniels)
[Press ‘Play’ for some of that country lovin’]
What’s the survival food of choice in the Alaskan wilderness? Fuck if i know, but the funnest has got to be beer.
There was a guy stranded in the snow in Alaska and he needed help so he helped himself to the beer and the fact that it wasn’t real beer but Coors Light is beside the point so stop your hating and beer snobbery.
Clifton Vial was driving in Alaska, of all God forsaken places and i don’t mean warm Alaska, but the real Alaska—Nome, Alaska where the men are men and the women are frigid. So he gets his ass and the rest of him stuck in a snowbank there was no withdrawing from so he hunkered down in his jeans, tennis shoes and $30 Sears jacket which is apparently what they wear in Alaska in the middle of winter… if they’re drunk.
Vial-gra didn’t have any food or water or beer, but he did have some Coors Light that he ate by cutting the lids off and digging the frozen food out with a knife. He’d start the truck for some heat and listen to Pink Floyd’s “Echoes” until he was rescued 60 hours later which, when i think about, it is not all that impressive because i survived on cheap beer and Pink Floyd for 4 years in university.
Jack Daniels, the good ol’ boys bourbon, took “brand” marketing to a whole new level when they decided to give away free branding irons with their product. The race to see which ass was the dumbest was won by three WAmen (that’d be Western Australia men—Western Australia: where the men are men and the women are, too) who had to go to the hospital for skin grafts to replace the skin they lost when they charred off their whiskey soaked flesh with scorching hot metal.
[Break for another classic shot: David Allan Coe – Jack Daniels If You Please
If simpletons live simple lives i would love to be as simple as the minds that came up with the cam-pain to include a branding iron as a free gift with a bottle of whiskey. Look for Absolut to match this flash of brilliance by giving away loaded revolvers with every fifth and Bacardi rum to actually include opened switch blades inside each bottle of rum. Not to be outdone, Mike’s Hard Lemonade will now have a tool to remove panties automatically and Pabst Blue Ribbon with have a tattoo kit packaged in each case of beer.
[There’s more JD shots rattling around in my drawers down below.]
Recovery? Drop It!
The even better news? That the cure is LSD.
i’m looking forward to a day in the near future when i will get a prescription from the Spin Doctor and go on a Trip to the Drug store to pick up my Doses of Self Medication.
Thinking about it, however, I shouldn’t be that surprised that acid cures alcoholism. Drinkers use alcohol to escape from the perceived troubles of day to day life and so controlled substances would do that trick too. A strong/deep heroin addiction would probably wean an alkie off the bottle just as efficiently.
Here are some other cures for alcoholism:
- Suicide / Drunk driving
- Sewing your mouth shut
- Surgically removing your hands
- Chaining yourself to a hospital bed
- Living with camels in the desert
- Cooking your brain with excessive electro shock therapy until you become a fried vegetable
- Going to Alcoholics Anonymous
Sure the last one isn’t as sexy because you’re not replacing one addiction with a better (worse?) one. Instead you’re asking the sick person to actually do something to permanently improve their own lives in every area and not just with booze but also professionally and personally and with their relationships and outlook on the future and the way they feel about themselves. But who wants to do something to get better when something can be done to you? Teach a man to trip and he’ll be high on life but give a man a trip and he’ll be high all night, which is all he thinks he wants anyway.
[Yes, the above two shots are original Al K Hall shots.]
Bar None Dregs
March 9, 2012: Oooo la la
i got the following comment in my Self-Unemployed Photos section:
Dear Al K Hall, I’m clip researcher for french TV channel M6 and looking for the author of photos of Radcliffe in the Bar None published on their web site. Is that you ?
We’d like to use them in our report to illustrate Radcliffe’s interview on that “partying period. What would be your conditions ?
Thank you for your answer …
So she’s cutting me a check for $7,000! Just kidding, i told her i didn’t own the rights and that the Bar None was too good to exist in real life but that she could interview me as an expert because i get around 4,000 hits/day here and that makes me an expert on something. Plus she’d have to give me 1st Class accommodations to France, but i told her i’d learn French. i’ll let you know when to set your Tivos for.
It’s been a while since we hung out like this, huh? It’s nice to take a break and put my feet up and jaw a bit with y’all like in the old days when i was drunk and you were a virgin.
First off, i’d like to throw up a big thanks to everyone who checked me out on February 27, 2012, Oscar night. 7,098 hits is my new record and i couldn’t have done it without you. Or at least without those 7,098 people. Thanks for patronizing me, kids.
Also just to let you know WordPress has started this new thing where they give me stats about where in the world my patronizers are from and i thought some of you bloggers out there might be interested to see my stats for the last 30 days.
If you’re curious, click on the shot right there –> to learn the Top Ten Countries with a taste for my brand of poison are:
- The United States (30,829 hits last month)
- The United Kingdom
- France (must be because i’m an expert there)
- Australia (because The Rod came here 964 times last month)
My all time favorite, though, are those 10 lost souls who got even loster when they stumbled into the Bar None from…Yemen! We Yeawomen and Yeamen of the Bar None salute you.
Enough of my babbling, let’s get your hands deep in my drawers. As usual, there are also a handful of shots for those of you who prefer the hairier sex to the fairer one.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
LSD Cures Alcoholism (another Al K Hall concoction)