Booze Revooze: BATTLESHIP

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Once again, the powers that Be (as in B-5…Hit!) decided it was better for everyone if we here in Yeaman got to see (as in C-3…Miss!) movie before (Hit!) they trusted the American audiences. Don’t believe me? Check it from my phone.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: AC/DC – Hard As A Rock

[Press ‘Play’ for Rock Hard]

Ramblings: More ‘Hit’ than ‘Miss’

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk and play bored games? At first you’re all like, “Nah, that’s lame. I don’t want to play a fucking game, let’s drink more,’ but then your cousin says you can do both so you figure what the hell, might as well, he paid for Taco Bell so you break out the Battleship and set up the board and the first half hour is like American beer: bland and weak, until you accidentally find yourself getting into it and you remember that Battleship isn’t too bad of a game really and you start actually having fun even after the end-game point where it’s obvious who’s going to win. No way you’re going to play the damn thing every day like you did when you were 12, but you leave his basement glad you gave it a shot.

i know you were wondering how in the hell they could make a movie out of a kids’ game and if you weren’t, i was wondering it enough for he both of us. i’m gonna be Frank (because anyone’s better than being me), for the whole first half hour i thought they blew it because each scene was drawn out an extra 3 minutes longer than it needed to be and i started thinking Sorry would have made a better movie than this sorry shit, until…when the excitement started, the movie got exciting.

If you wanna be late, this is the perfect movie to be late to. Go ahead and shotgun and extra Pabst or two in the parking lot before you go in because if you miss the first half hour you’re not missing anything.

This is not to say there was smooth sailing after the stormy seas. Rhianna is a lot of things like hot and a party girl and…well, OK, she’s two things but actress isn’t one of them. Brooklyn Decker out-acted Rhianna, s’what i’m saying. If i were y’all i’d try to get over to Yeaman as soon as possible to see this movie because they may cut some of her shit and there’s tons to cut from as she’s basically in every scene because apparently there’s a job in the Navy which is “Gun Bitch” meaning you shoot everything from canons to machine guns to torpedoes on the boat, off the boat, in the boat…

Speaking of tons to cut, there was one scene i won’t spoil for you here because to truly enjoy the extent of the absolute corniness you have to cringe to it without warning, but there was a heroic scene that was so ridiculous it had everyone in the theater rolling in the aisles. It’s so bad that if you see the movie and say to someone else, “You know that one scene…?” they’ll be all like, “Yeah, the one where________.” If the producers want to be nicer to you than to me, they’ll cut that shit out. Literally.

But wait, i told you i liked the movie and i really did. There was lots to like, swear to god. Like i already said, once the action started there was action and it was super helped by the special effects which were truly special even if i didn’t see this in 3D and occasionally got distracted by the effects special for 3D that looked stupid in 2D.

While cliches were the depth chargers that mined this movie, there were a couple things that helped helped buoy this Battleship and keep it off the rocks. Thing #1 was the American soldier giving up command of his boat to a Japanese guy with more experience. A surprise move because who expects this kind of shit to be realistic. Thing #2 was that even some good guys died. Sure, not the heroes, but some people on our team died and this always helps make a movie better than TV. My favorite thing, though, was Thing #3. There’s this one character with artificial limbs that looked too good realistic to be CGI and turns out, sure enough, the actor is a physically handicapped veteran whose legs were blown off by a roadside bomb in Baghdad as he was coming back from a memorial service for two dead soldiers from his brigade. Hat’s off to Lieutenant Colonel Greg D. Gadson–Respect.

Those things helped make the movie worth the watch. Basically, Battleship was better than i expected it to be, but i expected it to be really really bad.

The “Battleship” Game in Battleship

Yes, there was a nod to the game “Battleship” in the movie Battleship. The above screenshot shows the set up of the board, and in one scene the good guys were unable to use their electronic telescopes to see the bad guys, so they had to use tsunami detecting buoys in the water to find the bad guys’ location. When a buoy moved, the captain would yell out the coordinates, “C-42” for example, and Rhianna would fire there. Once, when missile attained its target, someone even yelled out, “It’s a hit!”

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

There were only two ladies in the movie, so the shot ratio got sunk before it even left the dock, but the two ladies where Hip Hop Pop Rock Roll Model Party Hard Bod Rhianna and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Goddess BrOOklyn Decker (and if you don’t know why i use “OO” in her name, you don’t know who BrOOklyn Decker is). i already mentioned i was surprised to find BrOOklyn Decker (25) acting circles around Rhianna, who i found a little flat and no, i don’t mean in the bikini department. ‘Course maybe that’s explained by the fact BrOOklyn is a method actress, whose method consists of running around in tight, low cut tops in slow motion.

Brooklyn Decker Battleship Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be lots of shots of her filling my drawers, if you wanna scroll all the way down.

i already mentioned Rhianna (24) is a party girl but i’ll prove that later. i also already told you she can’t act but you’re gonna have to take my word for it until you see this on the big screen but what i am able to prove to you right here is that she is hot. Red hot.

Rihanna Battleship Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i got more shots of her in the drawer, under BrOOklyn Decker, if you can believe that.

For those of you more into Hits than Mrs, there was a lot for you here.

Let’s start out with Alexander Skarsgård (35), who i already wrote up here for being drunk and flirting with men.

Alexander Skarsgard in the Closet of the Bar None

Here’s a sticky shot of Alexander Scotchguard.

Alexander Skarsgard Battleship Wallpaper

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Following his is an actor i can’t take seriously because he’s too fucking kitsch. Literally. His fucking name is Kitsch for god’s sake. Fortunately for Taylor Kitsch (31), he made Battleship before John Carter came out and he was even luckier that this one came out second so there’s a chance people will forget he tanked before he shipped out. Another little known fact about the ex-model is that he’s allergic to shirts.

Taylor Kitsch Battleship Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Also, i’d like to have a drink to him for not using his good looks in this movie. He had to go the military haircut route and, while this may not be the best look for him, it helped me take him seriously as an actor. So did the fact i didn’t know he was a top-less model before i started looking for photos of him online.

To wrap this section up, Mrs D has a soft spot for our man Liam Neeson (59), so imma post a rerun shot of him. Here you go, babe!

Click On The Image For Wallpaper

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

And i started out with such high hopes, too. The movie begins in a bar with big brother Stone Hopper (Alexander Skarsgård) toasting his little brother Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) because it’s the little Hopper’s birthday. They drink shots with Bud chasers until Samantha Shane (BrOOklyn Decker) comes in and asks for a chicken burrito.

See, that’s what i was talking about when i was talking about her method of acting.

The only other booze reference is displayed in the Decker / Kitsch shot heading off the sex section up there which shows the beautiful people rolling around on top of each other with wine bottles next to them.

While i’m in this section, though, let’s take a quick look at the cast shots i got of them in the Bar None.

Rihanna Drunk

Rhianna in the Bar None / Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Alexander Skarsgard in the Bar None

Alexander Skarsgard in the Bar None

Taylor Kitsch in the Bar None

Taylor Kitsch in the Bar None

There’s gallons more shots of Rhianna drinking hitting the very bottom of my drawers.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

Yes, i will go all the way up to 4 shots on this one and let me tell you why.

First off there was the incidental music track which rocked the boat thanks to the presence of Rage Against the Machine guitarist Tom Morello, who worked on at least two of the tracks here.

Plus, there were a lot of songs in the movie that weren’t part of the traditional soundtrack. i scoured the net looking for them but i’m afraid my list is going to be the most complete until someone else has the time to read the credits. Anyway, there was

  • The Black Keys – Your Touch
  • AC/DC – Hard As A Rock
  • AC/DC – Thunderstruck
  • The Stone Temple Pilots- Interstate Love Song
  • Sugabaes – Angels With Dirty Faces
  • Creedence Clearwater Revival – Fortunate Son
  • Dropkick Murphys – Hang ’em High
  • Billy “Get the fuck out, no i’m serious” Squier – Everybody Wants You

Which sounds like this.

[Press ‘Play’ for a blast from 1982.]

HELP ME! There was a very cool southern rock remake of “25 Lighters” (originally by Dj Dmd, Lil Keke and Fat Pat) and i can’t find it anywhere and i looked fucking hard. Anyone out there know what southern rock band remade “25 Lighters” ’cause it’ rocked.

On Hell of a Boom Box

Apart from that, there was also the action i already talked a lot about. So basically we got cool soundtrack, cool songs and cool action, all of which punch this up to 4 shots.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Erich Hoeber, Jon Hoeber

Directed by: Peter Berg

Starring

Brooklyn Decker – Samantha Shane
Rihanna – Raikes
Lieutenant Colonel Greg Gadson – Lieutenant Colonel Mick Canales
Liam Neeson – Admiral Shane
Taylor Kitsch – Alex Hopper
Alexander Skarsgård – Stone Hopper

Bottom Line

See it. Take a teen to see it and you’ll even enjoy it more. If you see it and don’t like it, tell me and i’ll play a game of “Battleship” with you and then you’ll realize this movie is better than a lot of shit in life.

Here’s some other articles Saint Pauly and me and The Rod wrote you could also check out.

The Rod’s review of Battleship

Battleship

"Battleship" at Fernby Films

Saint Pauly’s Review of Green Lantern

Green Lantern

"Green Lantern" at WTF!? (Watch the Film)

Saint Pauly’s review of Battle Los Angeles

Battle Los Angeles

"Battle Los Angeles" at WTF!?

Saint Pauly’s Review of I Am Number 4

I Am Number 4 review

I Am Number 4 at WTF!?

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Here’s where i stop kidding around because, beyond this point, it’s all about the pictures which are worth way more than my pitty thousand words.

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Dregs of the Week: The Outskirts of April 22, 2012

Click on the Shot for Wallpaper Size

Turns out Lindsay Lohan, our resident Bar Nun, is quite the bruiser and if she isn’t that much of a bruiser she for sure is a bruisee, as the above collage will attest. She’s been up to her old tricks and no, i don’t mean selling her leathery manbag to men older than she looks, but hitting the clubs and raising hell again. So i got all kinds of good jokes about that and a commoner dreg from last year that i keep thinking about so much i gotta get it off my chesticles. Plus tons of Bar None dregs you’ll feel guilty about ignoring.

Here’s a tune not really from the juiced-box but a fitting plea from the voice of our veneration: Lindsay Lohan – My Innocence

[Press ‘play’ for Lindsay Lohan with that same old song and dance]

Commoner Dregs

December 7, 2011: Swimming with the Fishes

What’s the coolest way to commit suicide? Wrong. It’s death by piranha.

This 18-year-old Bolivian fisher kid got drunk and took his canoe to a part of the river he knew to be infested with the flesh eating fish and jumped in. Sure enough, the piranhas attacked him and he died from blood loss.

Kids, if i’ve said it once i’ve said it a thousand times: Don’t Drink and Dive.

Here are some safer alternatives:

Celebrity Dregs

The month of April: The First Rule of Night Club…

Wait a sec and enjoy the above poster before you read on. i made it myself because we’re all about the arts & craps here at the Bar None and if i told you how long i spent to get that mediocre result you’d laugh harder than you will at any of the following jokes. So just do me a favor and appreciate the picture so i get my appreciation’s worth, ok?

Onto the dirt.

The first rule of Night Club is to get in a fight with any random chick you happen to literally bump into there while you’re on parole and then let the press find out about it so they can tell everyone about Night Club. After that, the next rule of Night Club is to wait 2 weeks and go back to the exact same club and bump into someone’s car and call someone else for help…hmm…who should we call… i know! Let’s call our dad who has substance abuse problems all up in his anger issues. Picture that, Bone Man.

“Hi dad, the dude that was driving just got in a fender bender while I was the passenger, what should we do? Go in the club I just got into a fight inside the other night? Sure! You always have the best fucking ideas, dad. With guidance like this it’s amazing I turned out as fucked up as I am…”

Once inside the club, where they might not have even got drunk, some bitch started talking trash like i just did about how Lindsay was there with her dad and so Lindsay called the bitch on her shit so the bitch threw her drink on the Bar Nun.

i can’t help but think Lindsay was kinda asking for it, though, by going to a place called “Smoke and Mirrors”. With a name that lame you get what you stay for. Much better that she should hang out here, in the Bar None, where there’s absolutely no chance of her coming to fisticuffs with my patronizers and there no risk that the police will bust her anymore than she already is for her extracurricular sintertests.

Bar None Dregs

This week was a red letter day for me in The Bar None. Most of y’all don’t know because you never read this far but i opened the doors to this humble establishment on July 19, 2010 with a post called “Another Round in the Bar None“.

In August of 2010, i had a total of 39 hits for the entire month, averaging 1 little visitor a day. Yesterday alone, 5,039 of y’all stumbled in.

Last Monday, the 2 millionth patronizer passed out on these pages. i’m greatly grateful and humbly humbled that so many of you would chose this place, my place—nay, Our Place to come for your soft porn.

Speaking of not getting many hits on your blog, Saint Pauly posted another one of his trippy reviews over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Booze Revooze: THE DESCENDANTS

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Sonny Chillingworth – Hi’ilawe

[Press ‘Play’ for some of that eerie, Hawaiian spook uke.]

Ramblings: Get Lei-d

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk in a bamboo bar with a postcard as a coaster? It’s a pretty as a picture place you never really went to especially if you went there because the picture isn’t real, man, just watch how the bottle warps the image until the picture becomes warped, and you’re not stupid, you get what the picture is supposed to represent but you wonder why they didn’t choose a better angle, a better photographer and even a better site for sore eyes. Then again it’s just you, the only one using the postcard for a coaster, because everyone else in the bar seems to think the picture is great so you just sit back and shut up and wait for the fuss to die down. That’s what it was like with The Descendants for me.

i gotta get this off my cocktail nuts right up front. One of the things that really cracked me up about this movie was how everyone kept talking about how great George Clooney was acting because he was acting outside of his zone. Bullshit people! He wasn’t acting outside his comfort zone, he was acting old and old is so much his zone it’s called Cloonely-ville and the zip code is his birthday. He was acting his age is all. Plus, he wasn’t even acting! He was just being himself like he already is. It’s like everyone complimenting me for writing super sarcastic when this is how i am in real life so save the props for when i write something good. Like not funny. If you don’t laugh at all, start complimenting me all over the place is what i’m saying.

Look, i’ve interviewed hot babes who have hung with George and they’re all about the Cloon-tang, and he’s a sincere guy and great for the industry and a credit to the human race and all that but that doesn’t make it my fault the brother can’t go in the pool because he’s got Depends on underneath his bathing suit.

Descendants 03

Other than that rant, this was the movie that wasn’t. The scenes weren’t finished because the director decided to be fake European and cut right before the good parts. The acting wasn’t great because some of the actors [*cough* Nick Krause *cough*] was in over his head and must be related to someone who owns this movie. Worst of all, the film wasn’t interesting because we don’t care about the people or their boring ass story. Tell them to shut up and take their thirst world problems to a bar where patrons can swallow the swill they’re putting out.

When i say we don’t care, obviously I’m not talking about the little girl actress, Amara Miller, who is only 11 and still acted the diapers off… It’s nice to know the future of cinema is in such strong fragile hands.

Amara Miller

Before i give up on this section, i wanna drink a toast to the lovely and talented and especially lovely and especially talented Judy Greer, who i’ve been crushing on hard since before i was born but i was really glad to see her get a decent amount of screen time for a change. Sure, she had a lot of face time in 13 Going On 30, but here she gets to show some acting range and she killed. If she continues to chose roles like this one and act the crap out of them like she did here, she won’t be an undersung actress  much longer.

Judy Greer

Judy Greer

As for The Descendants, i wouldn’t worry about sticking this one on top of your Netfuks to-o do list because it’ll just leave you as limp as a perm in Hawaiian humidity. You know what you should stick instead? Men Who stare At Goats, the movie in which George Clooney has to act…and does a really good job of it.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 shots

Stranger Danger!

Let me start off by thanking my lucky star and her name is Shailene Woodley. Why am i thanking her? For being born 20 years ago, which means i can post an exposée of her down here, below the line. Plus she goes through the whole movie in shorts and a bikini so say no more than: There is a god and he made Shailene Woodley be born on November 15, 1991. And he made her grow up to look like this.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Still in keeping with the whole “god theme”, there’s some single shots of Miss Woody down below in my drawers. Just keep scrolling down until you hit pay dirt, then keep going until you hit just plain dirt.

On top of that (i wish), there’s the exact same Judy Greer (36) i was already talking about up there when i was talking about how the role of Julie Speer showed us how far she could stretch her talents. She looks really good stretching.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i didn’t neglect to include some random drawer shots of Judy in my drawers, check them out down there if you don’t believe me.

For those of you who are more into forefathers than foremothers, here’s a Clooney shot from the Bar None.

George Clooney in the Bar None

George Clooney in the Bar None

A Smoke

Drink: 2½ Shots

Who knew i was going to go this far? i sure as hell didn’t when i went into the movie but i was pleasantly surprised.

Mixed in with that, i didn’t prop Sailene’s acting ability up there because i’m going to do it here. She rocked as an actress. Seriously, if you have to see The Descendants, see it for the performances of Amara Miller and Shailene Woodley. Sold solid solid.

The only soft spot in young Shailene’s repertoire is her totally understandable inability to play drunk. She has a scene where George arrives to pick her up from boarding school and she’s drunk and you can just tell she’s never woken up with tequila stains and a missing stocking before in her life. Which is a good thing, just not for that scene.

The Descendants in The Bar None

Other than that, we got:
  • Elizabeth [coma wife, played stoically by Patricia Hastie] is a drinker
  • He [Matt King / George Clooney] says, “Elizabeth with her motorcycle and her drinking.”
  • A bottle of Jameson on the nightstand
  • “Tell her how drunk you were the other night. Tell her how you may be an alcoholic.”
  • Everyone drinks wine at the party where he tells everyone they’re taking Elizabeth off life support.
  • Sid’s [Nick Krause] dad died in a double drunk driving accident
  • Old Fashioneds at the bar with Cousin Hugh (Beau Bridges)
  • Beer at picnic where cousins vote on the property

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Nothing except for this weird kind of freaky ukulele music. Lena Machado – Mom

[Press ‘Play’ to get your uke you laid.]

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: 

Kaui Hart Hemmings (novel)
Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, Jim Rash (screenplay)

Directed by: Alexander Payne

Starring

Amara Miller – Scottie King
Shailene Woodley – Alexandra King
Judy Greer – Julie Speer
Patricia Hastie – Elizabeth King
George Clooney – Matt King
Nick Krause – Sid
Beau Bridges – Cousin Hugh

Bottom Line

i bet the book is better than the movie and if you don’t have enough time or energy to read the book, you certainly don’t have enough time or energy to see this movie.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more funny. From now on, it’s just serious picture action.

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Celeb Mug Shot: Amanda Bynes

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Guess what that is right there… A News Flash! (See what i did there?)

You know who else flashes? The police, when they pull you ass over. Just ask Amanda Bynes who decided to join the really ranks of the rich and shameless.

Not from the juiced box…

Press ‘Play’ for a flashback to a simpler time… Young Amanda Bynes and her cute little accent reading Nina Laden’s The Night I Followed A Dog.

Celebrity Dregs

April 6: Mind Your Own Bynes-ness

i’m sure y’all remember the cautionary tale of one Estella Warren who decided to get drunk, smash into parked cars and then have a meltdown while the confused neighbors called the police. At the time, i told you not to get drunk and run into parked cars. Well, not in so many words, but if you read the post then i think it’s pretty clear i’m not in favor of it.

Alackaday (which is such a real word i can’t believe you don’t believe me that it is), Amanda Bynes must not of read it and so she pulled all kinds of drunk crap you’re not supposed to do while driving.

“Like what?” you ask, quizzical bastards and curious beaches that you are.

Like she tried to pass a cop car. i’m not sure what the number 1 rule is for things not to do when drunk driving but i’m pretty sure number 1 is “Don’t pass cop cars.”

Followed by Rule #2: If you do pass a cop car while drunk driving, don’t crash into it. i’m even gonna be so bold as to generalize and say that it’s a general rule of thumb to never run into a police cruiser under any circumstances short of the zombie apocalypse. (And speaking of zombies, did you see Amanda Bynes Mug Shot?)

But Good Bynes doesn’t have the good fortune you do of knowing me and reading shit like this all the time. Because she passed the cop car and then ran into the back right quarter panel, which is shop talk for “the back side piece over the wheel thingy”. So the cops stopped her and decided she was in no condition to drive but she was in condition to go to jail.

Amanda Bynes Before and After the Bar None

TMZ also said that ol’ (what, she’s 26…that’s like tons old in dog years) Amanda has been partying hearty lately and pulling all kind of rapscallion moves and drunk driving and–you’re gonna love this– bailing on cops while they’re in the middle of writing her a ticket. Her balls are so big she has to wear them on her chest so they don’t chafe.

There’s more shots of her down there deep in my drawers.

Bar None Dregs

2012-04-08: Check Into The Bar None

i’m doing a membership drive on Facebook for the Bar None. The main thing you can get there that you won’t get here is video, because it costs 50 something a year to install it here and i can’t afford that kind of cash. Plus, at the Bar None page on Facebook you also get exclusive funny shit like this…

How do i know it’s funny? Because it got repinned a buttload of times on Pinterest.

Yep, i don’t have enough to do online, i had to go and sign up for this. If you want to follow my pictures there, i’m known as “Al K Hall” and you’ll find me. If you want an invitation, i got some of those as well… Let me know and i’ll send one your way.

But go to The Bar None on Facebook first. i’m already hella popular on Pinterest, but i need your patronage at The Bar None.

2012-04-08: WTF!?

Oh yeah, i pro’lly forgot to tell you my frenemesis Saint Pauly posted yet another one of those WTF Reviews over at WTF!? This time he rips apart Shark Night 3D and it’s pretty funny.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Amanda Bynes (26)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.