From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Sonny Chillingworth – Hi’ilawe
[Press ‘Play’ for some of that eerie, Hawaiian spook uke.]
Ramblings: Get Lei-d
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk in a bamboo bar with a postcard as a coaster? It’s a pretty as a picture place you never really went to especially if you went there because the picture isn’t real, man, just watch how the bottle warps the image until the picture becomes warped, and you’re not stupid, you get what the picture is supposed to represent but you wonder why they didn’t choose a better angle, a better photographer and even a better site for sore eyes. Then again it’s just you, the only one using the postcard for a coaster, because everyone else in the bar seems to think the picture is great so you just sit back and shut up and wait for the fuss to die down. That’s what it was like with The Descendants for me.
i gotta get this off my cocktail nuts right up front. One of the things that really cracked me up about this movie was how everyone kept talking about how great George Clooney was acting because he was acting outside of his zone. Bullshit people! He wasn’t acting outside his comfort zone, he was acting old and old is so much his zone it’s called Cloonely-ville and the zip code is his birthday. He was acting his age is all. Plus, he wasn’t even acting! He was just being himself like he already is. It’s like everyone complimenting me for writing super sarcastic when this is how i am in real life so save the props for when i write something good. Like not funny. If you don’t laugh at all, start complimenting me all over the place is what i’m saying.
Look, i’ve interviewed hot babes who have hung with George and they’re all about the Cloon-tang, and he’s a sincere guy and great for the industry and a credit to the human race and all that but that doesn’t make it my fault the brother can’t go in the pool because he’s got Depends on underneath his bathing suit.
Other than that rant, this was the movie that wasn’t. The scenes weren’t finished because the director decided to be fake European and cut right before the good parts. The acting wasn’t great because some of the actors [*cough* Nick Krause *cough*] was in over his head and must be related to someone who owns this movie. Worst of all, the film wasn’t interesting because we don’t care about the people or their boring ass story. Tell them to shut up and take their thirst world problems to a bar where patrons can swallow the swill they’re putting out.
When i say we don’t care, obviously I’m not talking about the little girl actress, Amara Miller, who is only 11 and still acted the diapers off… It’s nice to know the future of cinema is in such strong fragile hands.
Before i give up on this section, i wanna drink a toast to the lovely and talented and especially lovely and especially talented Judy Greer, who i’ve been crushing on hard since before i was born but i was really glad to see her get a decent amount of screen time for a change. Sure, she had a lot of face time in 13 Going On 30, but here she gets to show some acting range and she killed. If she continues to chose roles like this one and act the crap out of them like she did here, she won’t be an undersung actress much longer.
As for The Descendants, i wouldn’t worry about sticking this one on top of your Netfuks to-o do list because it’ll just leave you as limp as a perm in Hawaiian humidity. You know what you should stick instead? Men Who stare At Goats, the movie in which George Clooney has to act…and does a really good job of it.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 3 shots
Let me start off by thanking my lucky star and her name is Shailene Woodley. Why am i thanking her? For being born 20 years ago, which means i can post an exposée of her down here, below the line. Plus she goes through the whole movie in shorts and a bikini so say no more than: There is a god and he made Shailene Woodley be born on November 15, 1991. And he made her grow up to look like this.
Still in keeping with the whole “god theme”, there’s some single shots of Miss Woody down below in my drawers. Just keep scrolling down until you hit pay dirt, then keep going until you hit just plain dirt.
On top of that (i wish), there’s the exact same Judy Greer (36) i was already talking about up there when i was talking about how the role of Julie Speer showed us how far she could stretch her talents. She looks really good stretching.
i didn’t neglect to include some random drawer shots of Judy in my drawers, check them out down there if you don’t believe me.
For those of you who are more into forefathers than foremothers, here’s a Clooney shot from the Bar None.
Drink: 2½ Shots
Who knew i was going to go this far? i sure as hell didn’t when i went into the movie but i was pleasantly surprised.
Mixed in with that, i didn’t prop Sailene’s acting ability up there because i’m going to do it here. She rocked as an actress. Seriously, if you have to see The Descendants, see it for the performances of Amara Miller and Shailene Woodley. Sold solid solid.
The only soft spot in young Shailene’s repertoire is her totally understandable inability to play drunk. She has a scene where George arrives to pick her up from boarding school and she’s drunk and you can just tell she’s never woken up with tequila stains and a missing stocking before in her life. Which is a good thing, just not for that scene.
- Elizabeth [coma wife, played stoically by Patricia Hastie] is a drinker
- He [Matt King / George Clooney] says, “Elizabeth with her motorcycle and her drinking.”
- A bottle of Jameson on the nightstand
- “Tell her how drunk you were the other night. Tell her how you may be an alcoholic.”
- Everyone drinks wine at the party where he tells everyone they’re taking Elizabeth off life support.
- Sid’s [Nick Krause] dad died in a double drunk driving accident
- Old Fashioneds at the bar with Cousin Hugh (Beau Bridges)
- Beer at picnic where cousins vote on the property
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
Nothing except for this weird kind of freaky ukulele music. Lena Machado – Mom
[Press ‘Play’ to get your uke you laid.]
Boring Technical Crap
Kaui Hart Hemmings (novel)
Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, Jim Rash (screenplay)
Directed by: Alexander Payne
Amara Miller – Scottie King
Shailene Woodley – Alexandra King
Judy Greer – Julie Speer
Patricia Hastie – Elizabeth King
George Clooney – Matt King
Nick Krause – Sid
Beau Bridges – Cousin Hugh
i bet the book is better than the movie and if you don’t have enough time or energy to read the book, you certainly don’t have enough time or energy to see this movie.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
No more funny. From now on, it’s just serious picture action.
Shailene Woodley (20)
Judy Greer (36)