Turns out Lindsay Lohan, our resident Bar Nun, is quite the bruiser and if she isn’t that much of a bruiser she for sure is a bruisee, as the above collage will attest. She’s been up to her old tricks and no, i don’t mean selling her leathery manbag to men older than she looks, but hitting the clubs and raising hell again. So i got all kinds of good jokes about that and a commoner dreg from last year that i keep thinking about so much i gotta get it off my chesticles. Plus tons of Bar None dregs you’ll feel guilty about ignoring.
Here’s a tune not really from the juiced-box but a fitting plea from the voice of our veneration: Lindsay Lohan – My Innocence
[Press ‘play’ for Lindsay Lohan with that same old song and dance]
What’s the coolest way to commit suicide? Wrong. It’s death by piranha.
This 18-year-old Bolivian fisher kid got drunk and took his canoe to a part of the river he knew to be infested with the flesh eating fish and jumped in. Sure enough, the piranhas attacked him and he died from blood loss.
Kids, if i’ve said it once i’ve said it a thousand times: Don’t Drink and Dive.
Here are some safer alternatives:
Wait a sec and enjoy the above poster before you read on. i made it myself because we’re all about the arts & craps here at the Bar None and if i told you how long i spent to get that mediocre result you’d laugh harder than you will at any of the following jokes. So just do me a favor and appreciate the picture so i get my appreciation’s worth, ok?
Onto the dirt.
The first rule of Night Club is to get in a fight with any random chick you happen to literally bump into there while you’re on parole and then let the press find out about it so they can tell everyone about Night Club. After that, the next rule of Night Club is to wait 2 weeks and go back to the exact same club and bump into someone’s car and call someone else for help…hmm…who should we call… i know! Let’s call our dad who has substance abuse problems all up in his anger issues. Picture that, Bone Man.
“Hi dad, the dude that was driving just got in a fender bender while I was the passenger, what should we do? Go in the club I just got into a fight inside the other night? Sure! You always have the best fucking ideas, dad. With guidance like this it’s amazing I turned out as fucked up as I am…”
Once inside the club, where they might not have even got drunk, some bitch started talking trash like i just did about how Lindsay was there with her dad and so Lindsay called the bitch on her shit so the bitch threw her drink on the Bar Nun.
i can’t help but think Lindsay was kinda asking for it, though, by going to a place called “Smoke and Mirrors”. With a name that lame you get what you stay for. Much better that she should hang out here, in the Bar None, where there’s absolutely no chance of her coming to fisticuffs with my patronizers and there no risk that the police will bust her anymore than she already is for her extracurricular sintertests.
Bar None Dregs
This week was a red letter day for me in The Bar None. Most of y’all don’t know because you never read this far but i opened the doors to this humble establishment on July 19, 2010 with a post called “Another Round in the Bar None“.
In August of 2010, i had a total of 39 hits for the entire month, averaging 1 little visitor a day. Yesterday alone, 5,039 of y’all stumbled in.
Last Monday, the 2 millionth patronizer passed out on these pages. i’m greatly grateful and humbly humbled that so many of you would chose this place, my place—nay, Our Place to come for your soft porn.
Speaking of not getting many hits on your blog, Saint Pauly posted another one of his trippy reviews over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).