From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Stephen Stills – Love The One You’re With
[Press ‘Play’ for some oft referenced Stephen Stills]
Ramblings: Space Campy
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk in your old high school? You bring beer, break in, then rode the halls and reminisce on good memories that age like brandy, smooth and mellow and maybe a little better than when they were made. What’s nice is that the school’s been all remodeled and looks fucking great and you can’t believe all the high tech gadgets they got now that they didn’t have when you were a kid so you play with them a little bit and get all set to settle into a nice night that may generate a few memories of its own…until some asshole pulls the fire alarm and you have to run outside into the playground and you stumble around and get more drunk and bang your head on the monkey bars and puke on the swing while you’re swinging so that you swing into your vomit and it streaks your cheeks and stains your shirt and fills your lap and the night is cashed like a keg of warm beer gone stale. That’s sorta what Prometheus was like.
i can tell you right off the bat that i gave this somebitch 3 shots because the first half of the movie was 4 shots and the second half was 2 shots and the average of that is too hard for me to calculate so i’ll just round up to 3.
The beginning was incredible. What’s-his-name the director…Ridley Scott, there you go, filmed Prometheus in 3D rather than just stapling 3D shit on top after and you can really really tell when you watch the opening scenes. The vistas and the valleys and the crags and shit look awesome and then, when you start noticing the planet scape of the outer space lands you realize he even made the cloud formations look unique and you start to appreciate just how far out there “Out There” is and you appreciate the whole other-worldly other world Scott created. Like Avatar on vodka spiked with anti-freeze. Truly wondrous.
After half a movie of this, just when you think you can relax and enjoy the show, the film turns to shit without warning. There are so many “WTF?” moments that you’ll wonder where you’ve been transported and what happened to the movie you were just watching. Scott feels obligated to force feed you shots of the original Alien (female leads, schmarmy androids with an agenda…) which he thinks are tradition but in fact are just cliche and tired. It’s like he meticulously manicured a marvelous castle of mud and then, just when you started appreciating its true beauty, he pisses all over it and makes it crumble around you.
What else do you want from me? Noomi Rapace makes the jump from the Swedish Girl With A Dragon Tattoo to US blockbusters a droitly or even two droitlies. She does a decent job here in her role as Sigourney Weaver wannabe except, as my wife Celeste E Hall pointed out, Noomi’s character Elizabeth Shaw is a wimpy scaredy pussy compared to Weaver’s Ripley (believe it or not) but that’s not Noomi’s fault, it’s Ridley’s for directing her into that corner.
Michael Fassbender is the same. He does a great job doing that acting thing but his character is all WTF’ed and he ends up gloriously portraying Lost In Space‘s Robby the Robot. Plus i heard he’s a conceited prick in real life so i don’t like him anyway and it’s got nothing to do with his penis probably being bigger than mine.
Basically, if you’re invested in the Alien series you’ll get your money’s worth from this one and there’s nothing i’ll be able to tell you that’ll convince you that it’s not as good as you think it is, but for the rest of us humans who don’t need to revisit space camp you should go and see something good instead.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1½ Shots
The only sex scene is the buzz kill and that’s just how bad it is.
The closest thing we get to nudity is the Alien, who has one of those mouths that look like a vagina. Like in The Thing. Because male film directors are misogynists.
Sure, there’s Charlize Theron (36) but the only sex scene with her happens off screen and the only time she gets hot is when it’s cold and her uniform is tight. Trust me, she’s a lot sexier here in the Bar None than she ever was in this movie.
There are more drawer shots at the bottom. You hafta click on the link that says “Continue Reading…” down there ↓.
Then there also was Noomi Rapace (32). She was the Swish (because everybody knows Swiss and Swedish is exactly the same fucking thing) actress who starred in Swish version of the Swish book The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. She showed a lot more skin than Charlize in this puppy, like that one shot i put at the top of this section that i called “Elizabeth Shaw Swaddled” in my notes.
i got some drawer shots of her as well. Just scroll to the bottom and look for the button that says “Continue Reading…”
For those of you more into Predators than Mother Ships, here’s Michael Fassbender.
Plus, i got some Bar None shots of him at the bottom, in my drawers.
Drink: 2 Shots
Almost nothing but the fact that there was anything when this takes place in outer fucking space is already something.
A vodka. Up.
Vickers / Charlize Theron ordering a vodka from the android
- Cool scientist drinking vodka from the bottle while in the lab
- [He] gets drunk in pool room and android comes to keep him drunk
- Champagne spiked with Alien bile
Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots
You want to know what this move is like in rock and roll terms? “Owner of a Lonely Heart” by Yes. It starts of really cool and you think you have rock on your hands and then it gets all soft on you and everyone knows you can’t play pool with a rope.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Jon Spaihts, Damon Lindelof
Directed by: Ridley Scott
Noomi Rapace – Elizabeth Shaw
Charlize Theron – Meredith Vickers
Michael Fassbender – David
Logan Marshall-Green – Charlie Holloway
When Noomi gets into the automatic surgery box, either abandon ship or fasten your seatbelt because that’s the moment this bitch looses power and goes down in flames.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Joking aside, all that’s left is pictures. Click on this link for that.
Michael Fassbender in the Bar None