Booze Revooze: THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Hans Zimmer – Underground Army (The Dark Knight Rises OST)

[Press ‘Play’ for the best part of the movie]

Dark Knight Rises 02 still movie review Christian Bale

Ramblings: Knight Mare

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk on TV? It’s not the same as a movie drunk because a movie drunk is serious and what happens happens for real and stays happened and the blood flows redder and the people die deader and there are consequences and repercussions and when you laugh you laugh louder and the whiskey tastes gritty and when you survive the night you have stories to tell the children you made that night because it was a movie night. Getting TV drunk, though, doesn’t mean as much and it’s basically a lite beer buzz and lots of peeing and standing up when you want to sit and looking for conversation and the only stories you’ll tell of that night are how you went to bed early and it was nice because when you woke up you didn’t have a hangover. The Dark Knight Rises was that made-for-TV, tonight’s extra special episode of “Batman” movie.

Dark Knight Rises 023 still movie review Christian Bale

The problem with The Dark Knight Rises was The Dark Knight. The Dark Knight Rises is a passable action movie while The Dark Knight was the shit, the whole shit and nothing but the shit. i know this because i feel like reviewing The Dark Knight, like that first scene when the glass shards explode from the window with a dull thud and how from the moment they showed the profile of the man on the street corner holding a tattered clown’s mask you knew the movie was going to grab you by the pubes, rip them out and then make you floss your own teeth with them. The Dark Knight was like three fucking movies in one and The Dark Knight Rises wasn’t even half a movie. All’s i’m saying is a good movie doesn’t make you want to go back and talk about how good the previous one was.

Dark Knight Rises 04 still movie review Tom Hardy

“I’ma knit you some pink booties to keep your feet warm.”

Dark Knight Rises 05 still movie review Anne Hathaway

“Who you callin’ ‘underdeveloped’, asshole?”

Sure, most people are going to bring up Heath Ledger and you know what? They’re right because most people are pretty fucking intelligent and Heath Ledger’s Joker took that movie to the next level. Which isn’t to say we don’t have kinda the same thing going on here. Anne Hathaway takes a pretty under-developed character (bet that’s the first time you’ve ever seen “Anne Hathaway” and “under-developed” in the same sentence) and rounds her out and fills her up and fills out the cat suit the whole time, too. The problem is, she has less to work with when you see how stereotypical her character is. Catwoman hasn’t evolved from Julie Newmar’s TV baddie and hasn’t recovered from whatever the fuck Halle Berry did to her.

So, what were the problems here? Too much fucking reading me the story. i felt like a little kid being told a fairy tale at bed time and it almost put me to sleep. The bad guy was Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs, the action was sparse and uninspired, the script was long with too many words everyone was working to get through to bring us the good parts which didn’t last that long or impress that much. It’s like spending all night chatting to some girl about her grandma so you can get in her pants later and when she finally lets you, you feel like your time would’ve been better spent arranging your online music files.

Dark Knight Rises 06 still movie review Anne Hathaway

“Hey, it’s outta my hands.”

Speaking of music and this is where i’m going to wrap this up, don’t worry, the music was the best thing about the film. More intense than the action, darker than the costumes, Hans Zimmer held up his end of the bargain when the only end Nolan was holding was his own.

You know me, i’m always being to generous with shit and so this time i’ve decided to draw a line. i coulda rounded this up to 3 shots but when you think about all the time and money and talent that Nolan had to work with and this is the best he could come out with…well, i’m standing by decision to round this one down.

Dark Knight Rises 07 still movie review Christian Bale Tom Hardy

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

One little itty bitty shot. Anne Hathaway looked hot as hell but she didn’t need her tight cat suit to go there, she looks hot as hell just waking up in the morning eating muesli to stay regular. Here’s what i mean.

Anne Hathaway 2012-07-25 Collage

Anne Hathaway Collage / Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

You know how sexed up this movie was? She kissed the Batman. Twice. Fuckin’ PG-13. Anyway, i got an extra special collage of her your’re gonna wanna check out in the drawers down at the bottom of this post.

Speaking of “cheated”, TDKR had Marion Cotillard and she didn’t even bother to try and look sexy. Here’s like the hottest still you’ll be able to find of her from the movie.

Dark Knight Rises 08 still movie review marion cotillard

Sure, it’s not bad. Hell, it’s Marion Cotillard for chrissakes, it’ll never be ‘bad’ but it’s nowhere near as smoking as this.

Marion Cotillard 2012-07-25 Collage

Marion Cotillard Collage / Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

She kissed Bruce Wayne once. Woot. Still fucking American fucking PG-13. Scroll down to my drawers for some hard ‘R’.

It’s late and i wanna post this tonight so i’m gonna promise you to post shots later of Christian Bale for the women folk and Juno Temple for the Silken Butterflies but you and i both know that’s never going to happen, right?

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

Nobody drank nothing for the entire movie.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

The rock shots are here for a reason and that reason is Hans Zimmer as i already talked about up there. The action in the movie was a real let down, but at least Zimmer’s cool music helped make it sound a little cooler. i’m listening to the OST right now and it’s damn good. Good enough to look for a good copy online and risk the illegal download, if you ask me.

Hans Zimmer – Rise (The Dark Knight Rises OST)

Dark Knight Rises 09 still movie review

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Jonathan Nolan, Christopher Nolan (screenplay)
Christopher Nolan, David S. Goyer (story)

Directed by: Christopher Nolan

Dark Knight Rises 10 still movie review Anne Hathaway

Starring

Anne Hathaway – Selina
Marion Cotillard – Miranda
Christian Bale – Bruce Wayne
Tom Hardy – Bane

Bottom Line

Rewatch The Dark Knight instead. Or, even better, do like me and read The Rod’s Review.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more words, just pictures of the actresses under the “Click to read more…”

Anne Hathaway (29)

Anne Hathaway 01 nip slip

Anne Hathaway 02

Anne Hathaway 03

Anne Hathaway 04

Anne Hathaway 05

Anne Hathaway 06

Anne Hathaway 07

Anne Hathaway 08 in the Bar None

Anne Hathaway in the Bar None

Anne Hathaway 09 in the Bar None

Anne Hathaway in the Bar None

Special Bonus Repost

anne-hathaway-see-through-collage

Anne Hathaway See Through Collage / Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Marion Cotillard (36)

Marion Cotillard 01 nip slip

Marion Cotillard 02

Marion Cotillard 03

Marion Cotillard 04

Marion Cotillard 05

Marion Cotillard 06

Marion Cotillard 07

Marion Cotillard 08 in the Bar None

Marion Cotillard in the Bar None

Marion Cotillard 09 in the Bar None

Marion Cotillard in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

4 thoughts on “Booze Revooze: THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

  1. You have a big advantage over me because, as hard as I’ve tried, I could not get an advanced copy of this one. I will take aception to your comment that Catwoman has not been developed since Newmar as I believe thay Phiffer did an extrodinary job of delivering the same “life has fucked me up and I embrace that” Burton instilled in his Batman (and Devito’s acceptance of who and what he is becomes almost heroic in its pathos). Nolan takes the darkness that Burton infused in the genre and unlike his predisessors who turned up the camp, drained it almost dry (I say almost because Ledger’s Joker did not shy away from the absurdity of all the players here, but instead made it his theme that none of the other players seemded to get).

    Bale/Nolan started with the Bat’s lesser known but intreging opponents (The Scarecrow, Ra’s al Ghul) and goes out with only moderately known heavies (Catwoman and Bane) having blown his wad in the middle (Joker, Half-Face). I am hoping for suprises and depth, but imagine that I will be placeted instead with action.

    I am surprised that the Nolan/Bale Wayne is almost a tea-toter as the previous incarnations (save TV/kid friendly Adam West) were potrayed as lushes just this side of Tony Stark (what is it about being a millionare that makes everyone Dudly Moore’s Arthur?).

  2. Pingback: » Movie Review – The Dark Knight Rises Fernby Films

  3. Nah man, you and I are disagreeing here. I really enjoyed this film, in almost the complete opposite way you didn’t. Which is weird, because normally we’re not entirely different in our views on most films. Regardless, this is a frickin’ funny review, man, and of course I’ve linked it with my own!!

  4. Way.above average but short of great. I have to say I saw what they were.doing with Det. Blake’s character a mile away. Hey, the trilogy may be over but long live the franchise?

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