Booze Revooze: THE AVENGERS

The Avengers poster

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Soundgarden – Live to Rise

[Press ‘Play’ for the coolest thing you will hear all day.]

Ramblings: Why Chromosomes

Final Proof: 3 ½ Shots

 You know how you get drunk in a bouncy castle? Sure, the idea looks good on paper because you’re combining two of your favorite things, drinking and bouncing, and there’s lots of action and lots of fun and you laugh a lot and get your kicks and sure, there are some moments when you get a little tired but your friends are super even if their jokes are often lame but the biggest advantage and the biggest weakness is the exact same thing: drinking in a bouncy castle means you can’t break anything, hurt yourself or take any risks and it’s nice to know you’re safe but sometimes it’s better to leave the safety zone and take some chances and get into the shit. So you have sweet and innocent fun time and you’d do it again in a heartbeat unless something else more better, more intellectualer comes along. That’s what seeing The Avengers was like.

The Avengers Movie Still

The Avengers is The King’s Speech of action movies. It’s very well made and technically perfect with all of the boxes of “good movie” checked, like beautiful actors and good action and quips and zingers and extra special effects and good guys that are 100% good and bad guys that are 100% bad and the good guy wins and the bad guy loses and they all live happily ever after. It’s like guys’ gymnastics where they have that one routine when everyone has to do the same one. The Avengers is like that: perfectly executed and routine.

The Avengers Movie Still

“Yeah, this does not look gay in every way.”

But sometimes you want popcorn and not corny pop and hard rock not pop rocks and whiskey not wine coolers and quicksand not Disney Land and a lap dance not romance. At those times you’ll be glad for The Dark Knight–but not The Avengers.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

The Avengers Used Scarlett Johansson and Jeremy Renner Sex intro

“Wanna feel the prick of my arrow?”

Thank god they could find one super heroine in the men’s club, because this really is a men’s club, didn’t you see what i wrote up there about guys’ gymnastics? Who watches guys’ gymnastics anyway? Men who don’t think Scarlett Johansson is hot, that’s who.

The Avengers - Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson  2012-04-30 Collage Wallpaper

Scarlett Johansson – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper

Plus there’s some unbelievable shots of her stuck to the bottom of my drawers, at the end of this review. Scroll down until you get to the “Continue Reading” link and click away.

You know who else i was happy to see here and it’s not Robert Downey Jr even though i was happy to see him too? Cobie Smothers or whatever her name is from How I Met Your Mother. She was already very cute in that show even if i didn’t recognize her here for a minute or two in her military uniform. Let’s just say she looks better out of it.

The Avengers Still - Cobie Smulder

Cobie Smulders Wallpaper Collage

Cobie Smulders Wallpaper – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper

Not to mention the shots of her in my drawers, after the “Continue Reading” link down there.

Don’t forget Gwyneth Paltrow, who’s back once again as Peter Stark’s love assistant. And what a back and ass-instance she was. There was this one scene with her in denim short shorts and, like Gwyneth or not, you’ll like her. Like this.

Gwyneth Paltrow Wallpaper Collage

Gwyneth Paltrow Wallpaper – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper

Yes, more pixxx of her in my drawers, after the “Continue Reading” link at the bottom of this page.

Silken Butterflies

The good news is that the magnificent Ashley Johnson had a brief appearance in The Avengers as “Waitress”. The bad news is that it was brief. Still, from the way she looked at Captain America, i have the impression we’ll be seeing more of her in the sequel.

Ashley Johnson

For those of you more hooked on heroes than heroines…

Celeste E Hall giggled the whole walk home from this movie, confused like a deli patron unable to decide which hero was the hottest. To give her a hand, i thought i’d do a little poll dance. Vote below for the hero who carried you away the farthest.

If you need to examine these speci-men more closely, the full shots are after the “Continue Reading” link at the bottom of this post.

A Smoke

Scarlett Johansson In The Bar None

Scarlett Johansson In The Bar None

Drink: 0 Shots

What can i say, i got nothin’. The only notes i scrawled were:

  • Stark offers Loki a drink. “Sure you don’t want one? I’m having one.” Whiskey from a snifter.
  • [Later] Captured Loki says, “About that drink…”
The Avengers movie still

Me So Horny

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 ½ Shots

On a scale of Bright Star to the first Matrix, The Avengers holds its own (as i sometimes do, but with my left hand so i can pretend it’s someone else’s). Lots of action and only enough talk to knock it down 1/2 a shot. The special effects were solid and there was even some real rock and roll, beginning with the Soundgarden that kicked off this shit and including this old but still kicking AC/DC classic.

The Avengers Movie Still

“Shit, I think I have this backwards.”

One interesting disappointment was the fights. Remember how you were a kid and talking to some buds while smoking some other ones, and you were all like, “Who do you think would win if [insert super hero] got in a fight with [insert different super hero]?” We now know the answer will usually be “It’d be a tie.” Especially if one of the combatants is Thor.

Based on these battles:

  • Thor v. The Hulk
  • Thor v. Iron Man
  • Thor v. Captain America
  • Thor v. Loki
  • The Hulk v. Black Widow

The Avengers movie still

There were two cards that weren’t undecided:

  • Black Widow v. Hawkeye (Black Widow by TKO)
  • The Hulk v. Loki (The Hulk in a first round knock out)

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Stan Lee & Jack Kirby (comic book)
Joss Whedon (screenplay)
Zak Penn & Joss Whedon (story)

Directed by: Joss Whedon

The Avengers Image

Starring

Scarlett Johansson – Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow
Cobie Smulders – Agent Maria Hill
Gwyneth Paltrow – Pepper Potts
Ashley Johnson – Waitress
Robert Downey Jr. – Tony Stark / Iron Man
Samuel L. Jackson – Nick Fury
Chris Evans – Steve Rogers / Captain America
Mark Ruffalo – Bruce Banner / The Hulk
Chris Hemsworth – Thor
Jeremy Renner – Clint Barton / Hawkeye
Tom Hiddleston – Loki
Clark Gregg – Agent Phil Coulson

Bottom Line

Definitely you should see this. If only because it’s the number one selling movie of all time. And you should see it on the biggest screen you can find. You know what they say, “Go big or go home (and watch it there).”

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Click on the link for the drawer shots…

Robert Downey Jr

Robert Downey Jr

Samuel L Jackson

Samuel L Jackson

Chris Evans

Chris Evans

Chris Hemsworth

Chris Hemsworth

Jeremy Renner

Jeremy Renner

Mark Ruffalo

Mark Ruffalo

Mark Ruffalo in the Bar None

Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson 01 downblouse

Scarlett Johansson nip slip

Yeah, i’m guessing it’s a fake, but at least it’s a good one.

Scarlett Johansson & Dita Von Teese

Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson

My Exclusive Interview With Scarlett Johansson

The Avengers Assassin Jeans Scarlett Johansson

“Do these jeans make my ass look phat?”

Cobie Smulders

Cobie Smulders

Cobie Smulders

Cobie Smulders

Cobie Smulders

Cobie Smulders

Cobie Smulders

Cobie Smulders

Cobie Smulders in the Bar None

Cobie Smulders in the Bar None

Cobie Smulders in the Bar None

Cobie Smulders Still in the Bar None

Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow see through

Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow nip slip

Gwyneth Paltrow in the Bar None

Gwyneth Paltrow in the Bar None

Gwyneth Paltrow After the Bar None

Gwyneth Paltrow After the Bar None

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11 thoughts on “Booze Revooze: THE AVENGERS

  1. ι loved it too
    what do you mean, that was Robin??? that was robin from himym???? i am in shock! she looked sooooo much better in the avengers!!
    wow, just wow!!

    • Crazy, right? It took me a second because she has her hair up throughout the movie and down in the show, but sure enough, it was her. Thanks for stopping by and commenting, babe.

      Thanks for patronizing me,

      Al K Hall

  2. Nice work, Al! Good to have you back behind the bar, too. You’ve been away too long.

    Loved this film, although perhaps a little more than you did! “The kings speech of action moves” indeed… bwaaaa haaa haaaa!!!

    I’ll link to this once I get home from work and have a computer that works properly with links. Grrr work.

    • Thanks Rod! Goddamn thing had you in Spam again. i even keep writing them to bitch about this and they keep telling me to keep unspamming you and it’ll fix itself and it never fucking does and i’m so sorry but please keep commenting, brother, it’s not the same without you.

      Back behind the Bar indeed. Three posts in about a week and a lot more to come. Hell, i gotta do something to distract myself now that Celeste E Hall isn’t around to be bugged anymore.

      Thanks for the link, man…

      And thanks for patronizing me,

      Al K Hall

  3. I forgot about how great the man-candy was in this movie, along with one of the women I would go lezzy for: Scarlett! Her rack……. So amazing. There’s no way I can answer that poll because I still cannot decide — it’s like Baskin-Robbins, it is. I want the 31-scoop sundae! 😀

    I cannot believe you did not write anything about the fact that this is a JOSS WHEDON film!!! Another fine man, even if he is not cut like Chris Evans up there. His mind makes me swoon! What a storyteller.

    But yeah, everything else is spot on in the review. It’s true that it was almost too perfect, but I would rather it be too perfect than horrible in the way that some of the other summer flicks were horrible.

    I had fun at this one.
    xx
    Celeste

    • For the man candy, you can decide after all the votes are in. As for Joss Whedon, lol, i knew you were gonna pick up on that. Basically i had the review finished when i remembered he’s directed and i didn’t feel it was spectacular enough to go back and make the effort to include that part. Glad you liked the rest of it, though. 😉

      Thanks for patronizing me,

      Al K Hall

  4. Hi there. You hit this review on the head. The movie was awesome. I never saw any of the prequels and didnt feel left out. Whedon is a genius. Bravo for casting Jeremy Renner and all his hottie goodness. You may know that their paths crossed before in Angel. The episode was Apt pupil and Renner played the title. No Shit, that has always been my favorite episode bc even back then I.knew he (Renner) was going places! Needless to say I voted for him 😀 .

    He also kicks ass in The Bourne Legacy. This was the first Bourne movie I’ve seen…look forward to reading that review too! L.

  5. Hi Leah,

    Thanks for the props on the review and it’s nice to know what kind of guy is your type. You didn’t mention him in the new Mission Impossible…what did you think of him in that one?

    Thanks for patronizing me,

    Al K Hall

    • I didn’t see the new mission impossible. In fact, I never saw the others either. There is something that won’t let me get past Tom cruise d-baggery antics. I just can’t watch.

      Actually my type is more of the computer programmer who likes scifi. Write me a poem in programming language and watch me swoon. Also, the ability to carry on a conversation is key. A sarcastic sense of humour doesn’t hurt either…ok way tmi, this isn’t love connection. 😀
      But there is something about Jeremy…

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