Booze Revooze: TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN (PART 2)

Breaking Dawn 2 Poster Bar None Booze Revooze

From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: Rob Pattinson – It’s All On You

[Press ‘Play’ for something far too genuine for Twilight]

Breaking Dawn 2 Bar None Booze Revooze

Here’s the mandatory cell phone shots as proof

Yeppers, the date on the poster is 11/16/12 and here i am posting this on 11/14/12 because we got this in Yeaman on Wednesday. Don’t be hating, rather be thanking me for sacrificing myself by seeing this before you so i can warn you away shouting “Save Yourselves!” while i try to wash the shit from my stinking eyes.

Ramblings: Breaking Down

Final Proof: 1 ½ Shots

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You know how you you get drunk at Applebees? You’re surrounded not by cliche’s but by imitation cliches printed up in some factory in Boonies, Iowa and the beer tastes like beer but the buzz doesn’t feel like drunk rather like whatever the opposite of motion sickness is like stagnation sickness or demotion sickness because Applebees doesn’t go anywhere and makes you feel lower than when you started like fake snow just sitting at the bottom of a cheap plastic snow globe waiting for something to shake it up and make things happen but you can keep waiting because the waitresses keep changing and you can’t find any consistency beyond the sissy mocktails that keep appearing in front of you refusing to get you off like the hostess in her fake uniform standing not like a clone but like a robot of a clone. In the end the drama is as hollow as the cheap snow globe and the love is as sincere as the smile of an aging waitress stuck in the middle of her second shift. That’s what Twilight Breaking Dawn (Part 2) reeks of.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

“You just marked your territory on my leg, asshole.”

To be fair, i knew i wasn’t gonna like Twilight: BD 2 even before i went. To be super fair, i hated it even worse than i thought i ever could and to be super fucking fair they didn’t have to make it so goddamn easy to hate it.

Seriously, they didn’t even try to live up to the previous episodes. i felt like i was humping a prostitute whose makeup was rapidly disintegrating and she’d stopped caring long before i did and she already had my money so she wasn’t even going to pretend to try, just lie there and wait for it all to end. Which reminds me of the ending to this movie and i’m not going to give away any spoilers here but What The Hell, people? i don’t know if the ending of the book is the same of the movie but oh my god, if the book ended the same way i don’t get why teens all over the nation didn’t band together and burn Stephanie Meyer at the stake with a bonfire built of the last pages of this flaming shit.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 02 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

A Better End

Was it really so bad? No, of course not…it was way fucking worse than that. Take the special effects. The effects were ‘special’ all right, short bus, safety leash, drool cup special. Who knew you could do CGI with a kindergarten pencil? You know what they CGIed here, because i’m gonna tell you right now. They CGIed the fucking baby and made it look like a monkey in a dress with Steve Buscemi’s face.

What else was bad? i can’t say the acting was bad—because there wasn’t any acting. It was just a bunch of interchangeable people standing around looking at each other and pouting. There was already no content to the story so they took this concept about as rich as decaf airplane tea and watered it down to make it last 2 hours. i’d like to say the script was bad, so i will. The script was fucking horrible with jokes that fell flat, inconsistencies and what the fucks aplenty, and characters who appear and disappear for no reason.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 03 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

“That’s right, Renesmee, slap mommy again. She was a bad mommy who did the nasty with the bad director.”

Here’s what i hope. i hope at least one person reading this is offended and pissed off and leaves a comment full of venom and vitriol [it must me a word, spell check didn’t flag it] defending this movie because i would love to see what anyone can see in this movie. Please, i’m begging you here people, one fucking redeemable quality, that’s all i ask.

Speaking of redeemable qualities, Dakota Fanning is now officially 18 but i think some of the shots floating to the bottom of the barrel online are still of her underage so i prefer to card her here and i’ll make more of an effort to find sexy pics for next time. Nothing age inappropriate going on in the Bar None.

Dakota Fanning 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Sure, the women here are very attractive and they stay that way until their pert little lips slowly part and the insipid comments and flat voices fall out of their mouths like a dead tongue wanting to be french kissed.

We might as well start off with Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan dive) who shows some of her bare back and kind of rapes Rob Pattinson with her super human vampire strength in a scene that probably isn’t too far from reality and goes a long way towards explaining why Rupert Sanders ended up her huntsman. Here’s some happy hunting, to be sure. Let us prey.

Kristen Stewart 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Kristen Stewart Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

i got more single shots of Kristen in my drawers, down at the bottom. All you gotta do is click on the “Read More” link at the end of the review to open up that can of worm.

The coolest actress in this one by far was Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen) who is one sexy badass. Unfortunately, she’s absent for most of the movie and when you see the whole movie you understand why her character chose to flee at the beginning. Here’s what you missed.

Ashley Greene 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Ashley Greene Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There are single shots of her in my drawers as well, at the end of the review.

Speaking of underused as a tampon in a Vampire’s bathroom, the ultimate Maggie Grace soaked up the screen while she filled it, but was discarded far to quickly and easily for my taste. Here’s something more lingering for you to savor.

Maggie Grace 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Maggie Grace Bar None Booze Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

More shots of her in my drawers as well. What can i say, i have busy drawers tonight.

Silken Butterflies

There were several ladies who lit up the screen and my only complaint about them is that they weren’t up there more than they were.

For example, there was Casey LaBow as Kate.

Casey LaBow 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Angela Sarafyan as Tia:

Angela Sarafyan 01 in the Bar None Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Angela Sarafyan 01 in the Bar None

And the stunning Christie Burke as “Renesmee (Young Woman)”

Christie Burke 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

For those of you more into the pricks than the sucking, Jacob (Taylor Lautner) hooks up with Renesmee which is weird enough when you think he spends half his life as a where wolf, but what’s even worse is that he “imprints” on her when she’s just born. Wow. i’m pretty sure imprinting on chicks without consent is against the law in every state except Alaska because they grow ’em different up there but jesus, imprinting on a minor? On a baby minor?!

Taylor Lautner 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Are you understanding me, people? In this story, a giant dog falls in love with a newborn. Can you wrap your head around this? It’s fucking pedo-bestaility and this movie is rated PG-13? Where i come from this a special kind of sick and the only kind of punishment cruel and unusual enough for that shit is to make the guilty partiers watch Twilight Breaking Down (Part 2) in a loop.

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“Please stop imprinting on me Uncle Jacob. It’s creepy and leaves stains on my dress.”

To punish Taylor, i’m posting a wallpaper of him with not just a shirt on, but a whole suit. You know what Taylor Lautner can do to a suit? Make it look pretty fucking ridiculous.

Taylor Lautner Suit Up Taylor Lautner 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Taylor Lautner Suit Up Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Last on my least is Robert Pattinson who i feel for. Really. OK, so he can’t act, no one else in this movie can anyway. More importantly, he’s young and handsome and his hot girlfriend cheated on him in front of the whole world. It’s bad enough to be humiliated but to be humiliated on a global level…for your shame to go viral, man, that’s a new brand of suck for you to deal with. Plus, he’s so confused he even took her back which just means it’s going to happen again. Trust me. i know. It. Will. Happen. Again. Poor bastard. And he’s such a talented mother fucker as well and if you don’t believe me just go up and listen to the song i posted at the beginning of this post that you didn’t listen to when you had the chance and you should’ve. Poor bastard.

Robert Pattinson 01 Musician Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Robert Pattinson Musician Bar None Wallpaper

Robert Pattinson Musician Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i got some drunk shots of him floating in my drawers, as well.

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

  • J Jenks drinks whiskey in a Seattle restaurant
  • Dad drinks beer while opening presents

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

i almost could’ve gone ½ shot on this but the fight scene at the end was the least boring scene and then they even rip that out from under you.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 05 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

“I can beat you with one hand stuck up my ass.”

Here’s how Rock and Roll this movie was. Bella’s first kill as a vampire: She renounces a human kill for a deer—already very tame—but then she attacks a cougar that is jumping to attack the deer. Yes. The only time we see her feed in the whole movie is when she’s saving a deer’s life.

The least bad song of the movie is “The Forgotten” by Green Day.

There was also a nice song i can’t find a good copy of online called “All I’ve Ever Needed” by Paul McDonald and Nikki Reed (who also plays Rosalie Hale in the film).

Boring Technical Crap

Twilight Book Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze RevoozeWritten by:

Stephenie Meyer(novel Breaking Dawn)
Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay)

Directed by: Bill Condon

Starring

Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan
Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen
Maggie Grace – Irina
Dakota Fanning – Jane
Andrea Powell – Sasha
Casey LaBow – Kate
Angela Sarafyan – Tia
Christie Burke – Renesmee (Young Woman)
Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen
Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black

Bottom Line

Never. Don’t you ever. Don’t you dare.

Breaking Dawn 1 Poster Bar None Booze Revooze

Click to Read My Slaughter of Breaking Dawn Part 1

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Put a stake through the heart of this post ’cause it’s dead and gone. All that’s left is the pretty pictures of the actors and actresses. Click on the “Continue Reading” link to see what that’s like.

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Booze Revooze: PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4

Paranormal Activity 4 poster Bar None Booze Revooze

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Rob Zombie – Dragula

[Press ‘Play’ for a song they dance in the dark to]

Paranormal 4 Bar None Nooze Revooze 01

I Got A Rise Out Of Her

Ramblings: Paranormal Re-Activity

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk and possessed by beer farts? You start in on the spirits and you already know what’s going to happen even before you begin but sure enough after the first glass you feel the tension terrify your ass and it stresses you out a little bit but the beer is good and your having such a good time you don’t want to stop so you keep adding liquid fuel to the gas and when the bubble finally bursts at least  its not a piece of shit plus the wind makes you jump and some moments are bigger than others and some really freak you out but in the end of your end it’s “no shart, no foul” and you walk shakily away just happy it didn’t stink. Paranormal Activity 4 is a lot like that flatulence.

Paranormal 4 Bar None Nooze Revooze 02

“Would you close the door? You’re letting all the demons in.”

i heard what you were saying about this movie before i went and i didn’t listen but believed you anyway so i really expected not a whole hell of a lot. Now, i’m not saying y’all were wrong but i am saying you weren’t right. OK, just uttering the words “Paranormal Activity 4” is enough to make a toddler laugh but the fact it’s lost its cool factor doesn’t mean it’s not cool.

What do i know about it? What do i know about it? Are you forgetting i’m the guy who’s reviewed Paranormal Activity 1, Paranormal Activity 2 and Paranormal Activity 3? (What can i say– i needed counting practice.) Basically, they get better as they go along and i mean the movies, not my reviews which kick it from the start and never let up.

PA3 was the scariest of the series but instead of going one better, Paranormal 4 gasps and dies a little.

Paranormal 4 Bar None Nooze Revooze 03

Disco is Back from the Dead

For those of you who want to see the movie but don’t remember what happened in the other Paranormals, here’s a cheat sheet for your lazy asses:

Paranormal Activity 1: (October 2006) Micah and Katie are harassed by a demon and record it on a digital camera.
Paranormal Activity 2: (Prequel: September 2006) Kristi (Katie’s younger sister), her husband and her hot step daughter are bugged by the same demon and record it on digital home security cameras.
Paranormal Activity 3: (Pre-prequel: 1998) Kristi and Katie are little girls and are stalked by a demon and their stepdad records it on videocassette camera.
Paranormal Activity 4: (Sequel: November 2011) A blonde teen is tormented by an evil Ben with hormones, but also an evil spirit and the neighbor kid from across the street. Her adventures are mostly recorded on webcams and an Xbox.

You probably want to know what doesn’t work here and i get that so i’ll tell you, but it’s mostly minor things. Like at the beginning, Alex (Kathryn Newton) films stupid things that no one would ever film in real life but it just happens to be what we need to see to understand what the fuck the movie is about. Once she sets up webcams to figure out what the fuck is happening in her house, it gets a little more logicaller.

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Bieber Demon

The bottom line is that the movie was good enough to “scare” me. i mean, i wasn’t huddled down under the seat but i was definitely tense and sure, most of the frights came from “got you” moments when things jump at the screen and most of the suspense was knowing things were going to jump out at you and you had to wait for it, but there were some genuine moments of creepy eeriness and those made the movie worthwhile.

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“Mom, Kathryn is connecting Wyatt’s dots again!”

Kathryn Newton carried the movie well on her delicate shoulders and there were only a couple scenes where she had “actor in training” tattooed on her forehead. While we’re on that, i have to card Kathryn here because she’s only 15. [Meaning i won’t put pictures of her with the seductive shots of the other actresses and I won’t use any shots that are not obviously promotional shots from her team–nothing age inappropriate inside the Bar None, peeps.]

Kathryn Newton 2012-11-02 Booze Revooze Paranormal Activity Bar None Wallpaper

Kathryn Newton Bar None Wallpaper – Click On The Shot For A Wallpaper

Kathryn Newton 01 Bar None Booze Revooze Paranormal Activity

Kathryn Newton 02 Bar None Booze Revooze Paranormal Activity

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

Katie Featherston is amazing because she gets thinner and younger with each movie. It doesn’t make any sense in the story, but there’s definitely something out of this world playing with that girl and i’m thinking it’s because she sold her soul to the devil. Just sayin’. Here’s what i’m on about.

Katie Featherston 2012-11-02 Paranormal Activity Bar None Booze Revooze Collage Wallpaper

Katie Featherston Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There are some single shots of Katie filling my drawers at the bottom of this post. Scroll down until you hit the “Read More” link.

Playing Paranormal’s MILF (Mother I’d Like To Frighten) is Alexondra Lee who goes something like this:

Alexondra Lee Paranormal 4 Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Alexondra Lee Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

IMDB lists Sprague Grayden (Katie’s sister Kristi) as being in the movie but i didn’t know that she didn’t film any nude new scenes for Paranormal 4 until i saw the film because they only used footage from Paranormal 2. Fortunately for you, i’d already downloaded all the shots so you get some Sprague shots in your face whether you want it or not.

Sprague Grayden 2012-11-02 Paranormal 4 Collage Bar None Boze Revooze Wallpaper

Sprague Grayden Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Whatever, “Sprague” is still the coolest girl’s name ever and i’d so love to live naked with her for no other reason (except one or two) that we could have exchanges where i’d be all,

“Hey, Sprage-un.”

And she’d be all, “Dude…think of more cool nicknames for me.”

So i’d think for a minute and then i’d yell out,

“Sprag-a-Muffin!”

Ahh, the good ol’ days we haven’t had yet. Check my drawers for more spare Sprague shots.

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Here’s the Flashback with Katie and Sprague

For those of you who are more into Incubus than Succubus, there’s the DILF (Dad i’d Like to Freak) Stephen Dunham.

Stephen Dunham 01 Paranormal Activity 4 Bar None Booze Revooze

Stephen Dunham

Stephen Dunham 02 Paranormal Activity 4 Bar None Booze Revooze

Stephen Dunham

Let’s talk about the spark between Ben and Alex (Kathryn Newton, who is too young to be talked about here but apparently her character isn’t). While it’s mentioned she’s still a virgin, her Ben Pal is definitely interested in piercing that mystery. Problem is, in real life Kathryn is only 15 and Matt Shively (Ben) is 22. Has he not heard of ½ your Age + 7? [On another age related note, Katie Featherston plays Sprague Grayden’s older sister in the series, but IRL Katie is 2 years younger than her “younger sister”.]

Matt Shively Paranormal 4 Bar None Booze Revooze Collage Wallpaper

Matt Shively Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Here’s a bonus of this Frog Prince.

Matt Shively 01 Paranormal Activity Bar None Booze Revooze

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

Nothing much to write home about, or here either for that matter. There were a couple references i jotted down in my notebook, though.

  • Dad drinks beer in front of the TV. Uses a glass.
  • Mom drinks wine. Uses a glass, too.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

Yeah, i’ll go all the way up to 3 shots on this. The movie starts off a little slow but then kicks in and that’s gotta be worth something, as does the fact they included Rob Zombie’s “Dragula” (as did i at the top of this post) so all in all i feel good about rounding up to 3 shots on this.

Paranormal 4 Bar None Nooze Revooze 06

“If he doesn’t come home soon, I’ll kill him. Course I’ll kill him if he does come home soon, too.”

Boring Technical Crap

Paranormal 4 Bar None Nooze Revooze 07 Kathryn Newton

Written by:

Chad Feehan – story
Christopher Landon – screenplay

Directed by: Henry Joost, Ariel Schulman

Starring

Katie Featherston – Katie
Kathryn Newton – Alex
Sprague Grayden – Kristi
Alexondra Lee – Holly
Matt Shively – Ben
Stephen Dunham – Doug

Bottom Line

If it’s between Paranormal Activity 4 and a bad movie, choose this one.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

The review is over, now it’s on to the view. Click the “Read more…” link to see the stars.

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