OBLIVION: A Booze Revooze Quick Shot

Oblivion 01 poster Bar None Booze Revooze

Earth Is A Memory Worth Fighting For. “Oblivion” Isn’t.

Ramblings: Negative Space

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk with someone in a coma? You sit there for a couple hours pouring vodka into his IV bag waiting for him to wake up or do something interesting and maybe once or twice he has a crisis and so you get bursts of excitement when they come in with their crash carts and shit to revive him but then it’s back to just sitting there in a very hi-tech room where nothing really goes down or comes up except a heavy buzz that drags you down and you have to fight against it to stay awake. That’s what Oblivion was like.

Oblivion 02 Bar None Booze Revooze

CGI is a wonderful thing. And the hovering machines look good, too.

  • 2077, 5 years after the mandatory [apocalypse]
  • Cool exploding moon shot
  • The movie is set in a desert wasteland. Super exciting.
  • Plus he sleeps a lot because his dreams are important
  • The only thing not predictable about this story is how long it would be
  • Good sets
  • Who the fuck is the second 3rd Jack?
  • Based on a comic [that explains it]

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Oblivion 03 Bar None Booze Revooze

Regrets the days when phone sex was a career option…

Sex:

  • Tom Cruise’s partner’s (Andrea Riseborough as Victoria) naked back in the shower. Nice back. The front…?
  • Tom Cruise’s back in the shower. He’s still fit. #CGI
  • Vickie’s nude silhouette by moonlight, [bare] butt in the water swimming
  • Is that the girl from Firefly / V / Homeland who i’ve seen naked?  [Morena Baccarin]
  • Nope, it’s not her. [It’s Olga Kurylenko] I’d like to see her naked, though.
  • That’s Zoe Bell in the background

Drink:

Oblivion 04 Bar None Booze Revooze

Tom’s gonna burn one down

We’ll grow old and fat together, and fight and drink too much.

Rock & Roll: 

  • Special effects and shit
  • Blue Oyster Cult
  • The Wall album cover
  • Led Zeppelin “Ramble On”
  • “Whiter Shade of Pale” on the turntable
  • Techno song at the credits
Oblivion 05 Bar None Booze Revooze

Cue the theme to “Star Wars”

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Joseph Kosinski: graphic novel and original story

Karl Gajdusek and Michael DeBruyn: screenplay

Directed by: Joseph Kosinski

Starring

Tom Cruise … Jack

Morgan Freeman … Beech

Olga Kurylenko … Julia

Andrea Riseborough … Victoria

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau … Sykes

Melissa Leo … Sally

Zoe Bell … Kara

Oblivion 06 Bar None Booze Revooze

When i say this movie bombs…

Bottom Line

Perfect if you’ve ODed on uppers and need something to help you come down. This film could take the inventor of the Starbuck’s taste challenge out for a nap.

Another Round

tron-legacy-poster Bar None Booze Revooze

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round

Oblivion 07 Bar None Booze Revooze

“I’ve seen bigger on baby ants.”

Oblivion 08 Bar None Booze Revooze

The closest thing Tom’s come to filling a hole in months

_____________________________

Booze Revooze: IRON MAN 3

 Iron Man 3 01 poster bar none booze revooze

Wait, the poster says May 3 and this was posted April 25? Yep, once again Yeaman caught some action before y’all in the United States. What, you don’t believe me? That kind of attitude is exactly why i take these shitty photos on my phone and make them into a child’s school-made Mother’s Day card collage.

2013-04-24 Ironman 3 booze revooze bar none

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Hit House – Basalt

[Press ‘Play’ for some instrumental rock]

Iron Man 3 04 bar none booze revooze

Iron Man Crack House

Ramblings: A Little Rusty

Final Proof: 3 Shots

3 shots

You know how you get drunk in a tux? You feel like hot shit when you put it on and you strut around feeling invincible and a lot of that feeling comes from the drink and you think you’re better than you are at first until the booze bears down on you and the night wears down on you too like you wear the suit and with every sip you feel the feeling slip away until it’s all over and you stand there naked and feel like the suit, polished on the outside, empty in the inside, all package and little soul. That’s kinda what Iron Man 3 is like.

The first thing i gotta say is, i hate reruns of Christmas episodes in the summer more than i hate just about anything and by that i mean i would rather have Justin Bieber crawl his way up into my ass, claw his way through my bowels and slide out my mouth than watch A Very Special Holiday Episode of Dexter. Like Die Hard, Iron Man 3 is a Christmas movie and i’m not even shitting you. It’s a Christmas movie released in April / May and i have no idea what the fuck to make of that so i’m just going to pretend it isn’t happening and kick the review off right now.

Iron Man 3 07 bar none booze revooze

Is that a suit or a new Baskin Robins flavor?

There was a lot of good here and i’ll start with that because you know how i feel about Robert Downey Jr, which is the same i feel about every mother fucker who led one hell of a fucked up life and then went sober and held it together and is watching the promises come true while at the same time being true to himself.

Iron Man 3 08 bar none booze revooze

“I’m calling you a cab, bro.”

So. The good. The last action scene was very incredible and i wished it lasted forever. The actors, are very good, especially RDJ and Gwyneth Paltrow who i still haven’t figured out why people are always getting on her shit, because she’s hot and classy which are two words good ol’ me doesn’t use too much in the same sentence. Also, Tony Stark wimps out a little and shows his vulnerable side and this adds to his depth. All of this works.

The things that dragged me down a little were small little itty bitty things, like the plot. Tony has some PTSD after New York and The Avengers and when he talks about this shit, it reminds me that The Avengers had some serious shit go down in it and that Iron Man 3 is really just a quickie toss off to help us maintain our hardons until the orgy of The Avengers 2.

Iron Man 3 02 bar none booze revooze

“It’s a date!”

Also, all the dialog and explanations put the “awful” back in “awful lot of talking”. i don’t give a shit why people do the action and i sure as shit don’t want to hear you explain why you do the action, i just want to see some fucking action. If this was a real comic, the page would be totally white with all the cartoon balloons, ‘swhat i’m sayin’.

The last thing i’ll whine about here is the fact that the movie is called Iron Man and we see less of Iron Man here than any other movie. It shoulda been called “Find Iron Man” because you really gotta pay attention to see him. Plus, is it me or am i crazy or all of the above, Tony Stark is Iron Man, right? If it’s just a load of empty suits flying around, doesn’t that take away from the Iron Mystique?

Iron Man 3 05 bar none booze revooze

“Wait, why is my suit called The Piñata?”

So you should definitely see this movie because i want you to give Robert Downey Jr some money, but if you arrive a couple hours late, you won’t be missing too much.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shots

Iron Man 3 06 bar none booze revooze

The Six Billion Dollar Dildo

1 shotThere were some beautiful actresses in this movie and some of them were even cute but as far as the skin on the screen, this was more hard up than hard on. The sexiest scene? 2 shots of Gwyneth Paltrow in a sports bra. Once she was tied up on some kind of rack and the other time she was kicking ass and liking it but i can sure as shit tell you that she was fit as hell.

Gwyneth Paltrow Bar None Wallpaper Booze Revooze Iron Man 3

Gwyneth Paltrow Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s some more shots of her down there in my drawers. Just scroll down all the way to the bottom of the post and then go a little lower.

The equally as lovely but brunette-ier Rebecca Hall did a great job acting, they just made her overdress way too much to do it. Here’s a shot to tide you over until you make it all the way down there, to my drawers.

Rebecca Hall 00 in the Bar None Booze Revooze Iron Man 3

The weird thing–OK, with me there are a lot of weird things, but this one is really weird because Yvonne Zima (Madeline’s sister) is listed in the cast but i didn’t recognize her in the movie and don’t remember anyone called “Miss Elk Ridge”. If any of y’all readers know who she is, please leave a comment and set me straighter than this wallpaper, like that’s at all possible. [UPDATE: props to the wonderful Messed Up Marionette, who pointed out Zima was the beauty contest winner. Sure enough, when i went back to verify, i noticed IMDB had corrected their typo. Originally they’d written Miss Elkridge, but now it says Miss Elk Ridge. Thanks Marionette.]

Yvonne Zima 2013-04-24 Ironman 3 Bar None Booze Revooze Ironman 3 Wallpaper

Yvonne Zima Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers as well.

Silken Butterflies

Thank god for the Silken Butterflies. Starting things off right on the pretty little foot is the super talented Noa Lindberg who was here as Michele Cusick. Not only is she talented and beautiful, she’s also gutsy as she’s agreed to to an interview for the Bar None, so stay right there on the edge of your seat until that comes together.

Noa Lindberg 01 Bar None Booze Revooze Iron Man 3

What’s an important role in any movie? The bartender, of course, and Crisann Peters fit the part of “Neptune’s Bartender” so well that it made me weep for my past, when i was still drinking and she coulda tended some bars around me. Even less logical than that last sentence is that Crisann, too, has agreed to an interview in the Bar None. i’m thinking this new Jose Cuervo cologne is really starting to work wonders.

Crisann Peters 01 Bar None Booze Revooze Iron Man 3

Also thrown into the mix was the equally (well, almost equally because she isn’t letting me interview her) delightful Meghan Aruffo, as the enviable “NYE Party Girl”, and aren’t we all?

Meghan Aruffo 01 Bar None Booze Revooze Iron Man 3

For those of you more into Iron Men than Iron Ladies (RIP on Margaret “Thatchick” Thatcher), here’s a shot of Iron Man out of his suit.

Robert Downey Jr 01 Bar None Booze Revooze Iron Man 3

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

1-2 shotThere was some alcohol on the screen, so i have to give it the symbolic half-shot for effort, but there is really the minimum here.

Here’s the way that spilled out on screen:

  • [Tony Stark] Drinks wine in his workshop. Obviously [from the rosy pink color], fake wine for RDJ
  • Flat champagne for when Pepper comes home
  • Mandarin drinks Kronenbourg from a can and offers some to Stark
Iron Man 3 09 bar none booze revooze

The Villain (and despite the wardrobe NOT a 70’s Magician, 80’s Singer or 90’s Stand up comic)

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

2 shotsTwo shots and both of them are for the action climax at the end and none of the rest.

You want rock and roll? Go back to Iron Man 1 and 2, where they have the decency to give us some AC/DC. Here there’s no real rock, just rock-like instrumental incidental music. You wanna song with words? No problem, there’s a jazz version of Jingle Bells sung by a cat named Vinne Zummo in the movie and i ain’t even shitting you one bit.

Iron Man 3 09 bar none booze revooze

“Well, Oprah, I do my best *not* to fart in the suit.”

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Stan Lee, Don Heck, Larry Lieber & Jack Kirby (comic book)
Drew Pearce & Shane Black (screenplay)

Directed by: Shane Black

Starring

Robert Downey Jr. – Tony Stark / Iron Man
Gwyneth Paltrow – Pepper Potts
Rebecca Hall – Maya Hansen
Noa Lindberg – Michele Cusick
Crisann Peters – Neptunes Bartender
Yvonne Zima – Miss Elk Ridge
Meghan Aruffo – NYE Party Girl

Bottom Line

C’mon, you knew before you read this if you were gonna see it or not. If you saw the first two, then you gotta see this one anyway. If you don’t have to see it, you should anyway because RDJ should have your money.

Another Round

iron_man_2_poster06

avengers-poster

thor-poster

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more glib, just skin from here on out.

Continue reading

Dregs of the Week: Mostly March 2013

Scottish Girls Bar None Wallpaper AlKHall Bar None Dregs

Scottish Girls Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Mini dregs today as we’re just taking a little trip to a little island called the UK which has a lot of little towns called Wales, England, Scotland, Ireland and Northern Ireland which is the right or wrong side of the tracks depending which side of the tracks you were born on. Anyway, today’s dregs are brought to you by Ireland and Scotland, where the best present you can buy those sheep farmers is velcro gloves.

From the juiced-box and dedicated to the residents of Kerry: Afroman – Drive Better Drunk

[Press ‘Play’ for “Don’t touch my keys when the party’s over / I drive better drunk than you do sober” aka the New Irish National Anthem]

Commoner Dregs

January 21, 2013: Kerry On, my wayward son

Drunk Driving 01 before AlKHall Bar None Dregs

Drunk Driving: Before

If you read my last dregs not only are you a star but you were also exposed to my huge cock sure diatribe against the prejudice that exists concerning drunk drivers. In an era where we are trying to be more and more open to different lifestyle choices, humanity still maintains an ornery attitude towards drunk drivers.

i don’t know about y’all but at least someone read what i wrote and is willing to do something about it. i’m speaking specifically about Kerry (as in  ‘Kerry me home’), Ireland where local law enforcement has decided to reduce the instances of drunk driving with an ingenious concept. If you want fewer drunk drivers on the road, simply raise the limit of legally drunk.

Drunk Driving 02 after AlKHall Bar None Dregs

Drunk Driving: After

i know, right? i’ll help you move, ’cause that’s just the kind of (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurpreson i am.

January 9: There’s an app for fat

Those Scottish never cease to amaze me. The country that has it all (and won’t share any of it with you) decided to release a free app so people can see the effects of alcohol on their looks over an extended period of time. Did i say people? i didn’t mean people, i meant women. Because the app is only designed for women.

Scottish Girl 01 before AlKHall Bar None Dregs

Scottish Girl Drinking: Before

Apparently Scottish men already look old and fat in their teenage years so this app would only work for them when they’re first old enough to drink, like at 8 years old.

In other news, the exact same app is also being marketed under other names like “What happens when you eat Scottish food” or “what women look like after you marry them”.

Scottish Girl 02 after AlKHall Bar None Dregs

Scottish Girl Drinking: After

Bar None Dregs

Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

All About Al K Hall

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.