It has come to my attention that Johnny Depp is giving up booze for you. That you are responsible for ending the reign of acting’s most accomplished functional alcoholic is none of my business and not the subject of this letter.
You know me–and if you don’t, i’m the guy who left that stain on your doorstep–i’m no whiner. No, i’m here to declare my love for you in a way Johnny Depp never could (and that’s not a sex reference).
Johnny Boy will give up alcohol for you? So the fuck what? i’ll take up alcohol for you.
Let’s take a moment to think about this. By getting sober, Johnny’s life will become immeasurably better. He’ll feel better, think more clearly, sharpen his acting, augment his fortune, hone his guitar playing, increase his sexual prowess… Every aspect of his existence will improve. “If you stay with me, I promise to succeed more”? What kind of bullshit risk is that?
What i’m offering, Amber, is a real sacrifice.
i’ve been sober for 2 years, 5 months, and 16 days, so i know about the benefits awaiting JD if he goes off the sauce. But if you leave him for me, i promise to fall so hard off the wagon that the repercussions will be felt all over the world. i will give up everything for you, all the clarity, all the happiness, all the security, all the comforts, all the relief, all the courage, all the piece of mind i’ve accumulated since getting sober.
i think you’ll agree, mine is a more shining example of guts than what Johnny is showing.
Think it over, babe, and leave me a comment in the Comments section if you want to fuck up and get fucked up together.
Al K Hall
Unbeknownst to many, Amber dated Yosemite Sam before hooking up with Johnny
There’s hotter shots of her in my drawers, down there. ↓
Bar None Dregs
Saint Pauly, who gets funnier every time i look at him, has just posted two hilarious reviews on the first two Resident Evil movies over at WTF!? Watch the Film.
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall
Not from the juiced-box but the soundtrack: The Beach Boys – Help Me, Rhonda
[Press ‘Play’ for what is probably the worst song in the movie but the only one i could find]
Ramblings: His Name is Mud
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with Boy Scouts on a trip? They’re so cute with their little shorts and when they laugh beer comes out of their nose and they wipe it away with their little yellow handkerchiefs and they drink like they do everything else which is earnestly and if you don’t know what that means it means with their heart, it means they do it with unquestioning faith in something other than God, something they haven’t named yet and that’s what they’re searching for with all of their badges and all of their exploring until what they find for the briefest of moments and then lose like their virginity never to get back again is Love because there’s a boy scout minute when all little lads believe in Love more than they believe in booze, boobs and big brothers, more than God, Mom and vacations in summer and Mud captures that instant for one little boychild.
Waiting for a Tidal Wave
i can tell you right now who’s going to like this movie, and that’s guys like me. More specifically, guys who used to be boys like i was. Ridiculously emotional, thin skinned, passionate about everything to the point of blindness where others mistook the fact i was overwhelmed with my own emotions for egoism but really i couldn’t stop feeling enough to make room for anything else.
If you weren’t like that as a kid or if you were never a kid you’ll be able to appreciate Mud as a piece of art but you won’t be able to understand it.
The thing that makes this movie is the actors and not just Matthew McConaughey because he spoke with an accent and not just Reese Witherspoon becasue she’s a hot drunken mess and not just Michael Shannon (who starred in Nichols’ other movie, Take Shelter) because have you seen how fucking cool he is and plus he does a good job acting normal here for once. No, the good actors were also the kids, especially the boys because one of them (Tye Sheridan as Ellis) was a real actor and so he has to be good because it’s his little job but they also had this kid from Arkansas (Jacob Lofland as Neckbone), fresh off the street, and he acted the hell out of his part.
Plus there was Sam Shepard who is an amazing actor and writer and who was probably my first guy crush back when i was a teenager and secure in my heterosexuality with a lifelong crush on Muriel Hemingway that still hasn’t completely gone away. And Michael Shannon rocked his role, and i’m not just saying that because he’s my current guy crush. What i really liked about all the acting going on was that i have been each of these characters at least once in my life and the actors let me identify with all of them.
Johnny Ray done carved himself a whole dock
What about the rest of it?
Jeff Nichols wrote and directed Mud and he did a good job because i was able to sit back and forget i was watching a movie and that’s exactly what a director’s supposed to do. As for the themes, well, there were some and i guess that makes this intellectual or French but the themes weren’t all that complex and there was an ending so it really wasn’t all that French but still it was pretty predictable, like trying a new beer in a frosty mug and the beer is refreshing but in the end all you have left is the same old mug.
But still that was one damn fine glass.
“We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
A couple very pretty girls but because this bad boy was about love and not sex, the girls don’t show anything other than up.
Like i already said, Reese Witherspoon played the female lead in Mud and did a lot with what she had but she didn’t have to do a lot other than look nervous.
Redneck test: Find Reese Witherspoon (Hint: She’s *in front* of the truck)
i got some more shots of her deep in my drawers down below at the bottom of this post.
Also in this movie is Sarah Paulson who i already like because she’s in both seasons of American Horror Story which is the best fucking show on TV bar none (no pun intended) . To make things even better she plays a lesbian in season 2 of that series and to take the cherry off the cake and put it where it belongs [no idea what i mean by that, btw], she’s a lesbian in real life, too.
I bet Sarah and i are fantasizing about the same thing…
She plays Mary Lee, the lead boy’s mother and the worst thing about her performance was that it was so short. And they didn’t let her look like this.
Sarah Paulson Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
Rounding out the full cast is the wonderful and not at all jail bait Bonnie Sturdivant. She’s 22 and acts her age and better.
There was only one actress whose talent was as permanent as her beauty was lasting and her screen time was fleeting. Barmaids and beerhounds, i give you Kristy Barrington.
For those of you more into mud than dirt, there was Matthew McConaughey. Here he is, deep down in it.
Matthew McConaughey Drunk in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i stuck some sexier shots of him in my drawers, at the bottom of this post. Scroll deep down and you’ll find them.
Drink: 1 Shot
Nothing to write home about, much less bore you with here, so let’s make like most of my love and just get it over with.
Father drinks whiskey from a pint bottle flask
RW [Reese Witherspoon] hangs out at a bar drinking Bud Light and flirting with a guy
Empty bottle of fictional whiskey in the dying bonfire at morning
Don’t drink and boat
Rock & Roll: 1 Shot
There were some decent and other not so decent real songs in this movie but i can’t find a trace of them anywhere and i’ve been digging for much longer than i should’ve been because once i get something in my crotch i can’t let go of it until i find it but this time i’m just giving up. And don’t even tell me to look at the OST album because it’s all incidental music and there were some songs with vocals in Mudother than “Help me Rhonda”.
“The necklace will go right here.”
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Jeff Nichols
Directed by: Jeff Nichols
Bargain hunting in the funiture store
Reese Witherspoon – Juniper
Sarah Paulson – Mary Lee
Bonnie Sturdivant – May Pearl
Kristy Barrington – Princess
Tye Sheridan – Ellis
Jacob Lofland – Neckbone
Matthew McConaughey – Mud
Sam Shepard – Tom Blankenship
Michael Shannon – Galen