From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Control Machete – Si Señor
[Press ‘Play’ for some of that Mexican moderno salto (“hip hop” in Spanish, hermano]
Ramblings: Medium Stakes
Final Proof: 2 ½ Shots
You know how you get drunk in Laughlin, Nevada? Sure it’s a casino town and you sip comped drinks all night as you play poker, but the drinks are so watered down you start to build an ark and the only poker you play is video poker so electronic that you can smell the percentage it’s taking from you and that’s about as exciting as watching reality TV show reruns, plus you’re in fucking Laughlin for chrissakes which doesn’t even have the decency to copy Las Vegas like Reno does. So you sit there drained and not drunk and ready just to finish your roll of quarters and go back to your smelly ass room and beat off to “Pretty Little Liars” because even the prostitutes in Laughlin are too expensive and too cheap. That’s all you’ll take away after seeing Runner Runner.
You’re in a hurry and just want the short version? Runner Runner is a mediocre remake of The Firm and every other corporate thriller from the 1980’s.
There’s a couple things wrong with Runner Runner and by “a couple” i mean “a shit ton”, starting with the script which is no big deal and ending with the acting which isn’t going to win any awards. Like for the acting Justin Timberlake tries to bluff us into thinking he can carry a whole film but his weak ass hand couldn’t carry a shake so he should just stick to the carrying of tunes.
You know who else is in this movie? John Heard and what cracked me up is that i just saw him in Sharknado, but at least he was trying in this one. The character he was this time trying to be, however, was called Harry Furst. i’m still trying to decide if this is a bad joke or bad scripting.
Speaking of bad script writing, here’s a taste. A bad taste. For your mouth.
This isn’t poker. It’s my life, and I only have one play left.
Plus there’s tons of WTF!? moments that i won’t get into here because i don’t want to drop any spoilers but trust me, a lot of this movie is gonna feel like bad fan art because you’re gonna look at it and feel that something just this side of everything is ‘off’.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 baby Shot
Gemma Arterton is all kinds of hot but you’re gonna have to take my word for it because you won’t see any of that sizzle here. There’s a little kissing and a sex scene that was lifted from 1980’s school of in-your-end-o sex scenes but it sure didn’t get a rise out of me. Not like this, anyway.
There were a lot of them but i was only able to net a couple.
To start off with, hats off to the extra special loveliness of Laura Alemán, who played to perfection what just may be my favorite role in the film, “Masseuse”.
Another young lady who pricked up more than my ears was the stunning Diana Laura who acted the shit out of Sandra Leon (her character).
Here’s the blow-by-blow:
- Hot black jack dealers
- JT & GA [Justin Timberlake and Gemma Arterton] have sex standing up against a wall
- Champagne and girls at Local’s orgy when delivering bribe
Drink: 2 shots
Two shots and it’s only because of the quantity of the booze that flowed and not the quality of the references. A lot of drinking, but the booze didn’t have a role in the film so it’s not gonna score big here.
- Beer and whisky during the online poker game when he loses everything
- Red wine in casino (too red to be real)
- Shot of pro’lly vodka after almost losing [all of his staked money at his boss’s party]
- Beer at beach bar
- Beer on boat
- “Una cerveza” in a Costa Rican bar talking to the head honcho
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
Like you really though you were going to get rock and roll in a movie with Justine Timberlack. They had tons of music only none of it was rock. Like do you know who they had in the movie? Some guy named Joel and not Billy but a DJ who knows Joel isn’t that cool of a name so he changed it to Deadmau5.
As for the action…like you thought there’d be action in a Justin Time movie. The most action you’ll see are the people walking out of the cinema. Hey, it’s not cruel if it’s true.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Brian Koppelman & David Levien
Directed by: Brad Furman
Gemma Arterton – Rebecca Shafran
Laura Alemán – Masseuse
Diana Laura – Sandra Leon
Justin Timberlake – Richie Furst
Ben Affleck – Ivan Block
John Heard – Harry Furst
Cut your losses while you’re ahead and fold. Fold hard.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Nothing left but sexy photographs and not one of them is of Ben or this Justin. You’ve been warned.