Merry Christmas to ALL, and to all a good high

Bar None Christmas 01 AlKHall

So much WTF

‘Tis the season of my annual Bar None Christmas post, where we all gather around the monitor and roast our nuts on the fire of my love for you. i hope that you got everything you wanted because i did: your presence today is all the presents i need.

As of right now, 601 of y’all have found your way into the Bar None on this most auspicious of days and i’m here to thank you for thinking of me, especially today. For those of you who aren’t reading this, Santa has a special message for you, too.

Bar None Christmas 16 AlKHall

Add to that number of patronizers one more because i’m here with you, thanking you for taking the time to pop in and i’mma try to make it worth your while.

Thank you for patronizing me and hoping you’ll patronize me even more next year.

Enough of the the words, lets get to the gifts.

Bar None Christmas 02 AlKHall

Want more holiday spirits? Click here for Posts of Christmas Past

Wait, before you go, wanna see me put the ‘X’ in ‘X-mas’? Click below the belt to get into my drawers because, unlike Christmas, you can come more than once a year.

Santa Belt Bar None Dregs

Bar None Drawers

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0-5 Shots Booze Revooze: Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom

Mandela 01 poster AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

From the juiced-box but not the soundtrack: Peter Gabriel – Biko

[Press ‘Play’ for a moment more inspiring than the movie ever achieves]

For those of you doubters who still don’t believe i see shit before the States, here are the screen shots i snapped with my phone.

Camera 360

Camera 360

Mandela 04 screen shot AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Ramblings: Long Walk on the wrong track

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shots You know how you get drunk studying for a history test? You’re sitting on a stool and the book is sitting on the sticky counter absorbing spilled foam and sloshed cocktails but that’s OK because the times you’re reading about are more important than the book itself and you start to get bored as the booze kicks in so you skip straight to the pictures and realize the book is only a well intentioned way to make money and not meant to inspire anyone and if you want some fucking inspiration you have to go directly to the source. That’s what watching Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom was like.

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Here’s the main problem with the film: Mandela’s life is modern history. Hell, he was still alive after the film was completed. Can you imagine watching a movie someone made of your life and at the end telling the director you thought it was boring? Which would really suck because you’re life isn’t at all boring – and you’re you, imagine how weird it would be for someone as epically non-boring as Mandela.

You know what the best part of the movie was? The news footage, because they showed news clips from the time the events were really taking place and then at the end they showed photos of the real Mandela and the events touched on in the film. In other words, the best bits were the ones the director didn’t make. What i’m saying is, a documentary would’ve been much better than this film. Mandiba’s struggle against apartheid wasn’t so long ago, so they could’ve used original footage, old photos, interviewed real people… That would’ve been a movie that gave you chills whereas this version just left me cold.

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See, i know you guys think i’m young and a hep cat like you say in your cool kid lingo, but i’m actually old enough to remember a lot of what happens in this movie. Hell, i was boycotting Coke because of their interests in South Africa and i was standing alone in my basement in front of the mirror putting on a concert where i sang Peter Gabriel’s “Biko” fighting back tears because i’m nothing if not an over sensitive son of a bitch with an out of proportioned sense of injustice. Ah, if only this movie were as intense as i am.

i’m also old enough to remember listening to this killer song called “Sun City” by Artists United Against Apartheid (in 1985) which you gotta see because it’ll save you the time and money you would’ve otherwise spent on the Long Walk to Freedom and plus, where else can you see Lou Reed, Miles Davis, Ringo Starr, Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Run DMC, and fucking Joey Ramone all singing together in the same song?

Finally, let’s be honest and you know me, i’m nothing if not an honest man (though the fact that sometimes i’m nothing does not necessarily mean i’m dishonest…)– Idris Elba is a great fucking actor and probably a handsome man but he looks absolutely nothing like Nelson Mandela. Nelson was a clearer skinned African as well as being rather small and almost frail in stature while Idris is this huge fucking giant of a beautiful black man. i know i’m coloring way out of line here, but i found the lack of physical resemblance distracting.

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Just remember, you’re allowed to hate the movie without hating the man or what he fought for.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

Obviously Winnie Mandela played a huge role in Nelson’s life but to be completely honest, i don’t really care about how they met, how they fell in love, what they looked like when they kissed, what they looked like when they screwed, what they looked like when he proposed to her, or what they looked like when they got married.This is more like looking through Mandela’s family album and i wished they would’ve spent more time on the man’s philosophies than his wooing.

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There is also a standup quickie with a political groupie after he married his first wife but before he met Winnie. This is to show us that Mandela was a ladies’ man and is pretty typical of how this movie covers what we’ve already heard about Mandela.

Silken Butterflies

The extra beautiful and enormously talented Nomfusi Gotyana portrayed Miriam Makeba and sang some killer South African style music in a bar in the beginning.

Nomfusi Gotyana 01 AlKHall Booze Revooze Mandela

Nomfusi Gotyana 02 AlKHall Booze Revooze Mandela

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

The only real drinking reference is when a drunk black friend of Mandela’s is arrested leaving a bar because he doesn’t have his papers and then he’s beaten to death by the police after he throws up on a cops shoes. Also, Winnie is shown sipping what might be either iced tea or whiskey. Oh yeah, and that mug on the table in that one scene was either half empty with beer or piss, judging by how yellow it was.

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A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

1 shot

Mandela spent 18 years in prison and i think the director of Long Walk to Freedom wanted us to appreciate what this tedium felt like by cutting most of the violence associated with the fight against white supremacy in South Africa. Oh sure there are some token scenes representing the overall pain involved with the struggle but more attention is paid to the love story with Winnie than the end of white rule Mandela brought about.

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That rant over, there were some pretty cool songs thrown in the mix:

  • Gil Scott-Heron – The Revolution Will Not Be Televised
  • Public Enemy – Fight the Power
  • Bob Marley – War

There was also one crappy song filling out the credits, the ultra ordinary “Ordinary Love” by U2, no offense.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:  Nelson Mandela – Autobiography William Nicholson – Screenplay

Directed by: Justin Chadwick


Naomie Harris – Winnie Madikizela
Nomfusi Gotyana – Miriam Makeba
Idris Elba – Nelson Mandela

Bottom Line

Wait for this to come out online, even Mandiba himself would forgive you

Another Round

Bar None Booze Revooze: Invictus

Booze Revooze: Invictus

Bar None Booze Revooze: Zero Dark Thirty

Booze Revooze: Zero Dark Thirty

Bar None Booze Revooze: Django Unchained

Booze Revooze: Django Unchained

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

The review is over, now let’s get to the revue, which will feature exclusively the bodily charm of Naomie Harris.

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0-5 Shots: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

A Booze Revooze Quick Shot

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Smaug Alert

Not at all from the Juiced-box but the only song with words in it from the soundtrack: I See Fire – Ed Sheeran

Here are the derogatory shots to prove that yes, they let me see this bad boy 2 days before the civilized world.

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Bilbo disappearing with the ring

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Merlin–uhm, Gandolf

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Some half-bear, half-man guy

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They’re blurry and badly taken? No, they’re of a movie i saw in 3D and only here to prove i saw this bad boy.

Ramblings: A Hard Hobbit to Break

Final Proof:  3 Shots

3 shotsYou know how you get drunk with a daughter of a whore who’s a whore herself? She’s just as flashy as her mom and aims to please but she’s a little sprier, a little faster on the uptake and quicker on the down-low. She parties harder and keeps a better rhythm so she’s more satisfying than mom, even if she’s just a shallow party girl and you’ll never fall in love with her or spill your guts or bare your soul to her and you don’t care enough to wonder what her real name is but you’ll remember her stage name for up to a week which is more than you can say for her mother who was totally forgettable in every way. That’s what The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug is like after the not Unexpected Journey.

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The Hobbit looks Paramount

  • Nice because you can doze on and off through much of the film and still follow the story
  • Didn’t they already have a giant spider in one of the Lord of the Rings?
  • The second movie i’ve seen in 2 weeks that ends with a “To be continued” (Hunger Games 2 was the other)

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

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Still looks Lost


  • Evangeline Lilly extra fully clothed
  • The dwarf/elf love story is highly annoying
  • Great special effects because they make Evangeline Lilly ugly– that isn’t easy to do


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How you feel choosing wine

  • Mead and ales in a Middle Earthen pub
  • Drunk guards passed out
  • Post-feast a dwarf wakes up late and downs the bottom of a glass of ale

Rock & Roll: 

  • Great action scenes
  • Why does the dragon want all the riches? What’s he going to buy with it, cigarettes and dragon hookers?
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Not ‘Cupid’, but rhymes with ‘Cupid’

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Fran Walsh, Guillermo del Toro, Peter Jackson, Philippa Boyens Screenplay

Directed by: Peter Jackson


Evangeline Lilly – Tauriel
Graham McTavish – Dwalin
Ian McKellen – Gandalf
James Nesbitt – Bofur
Ken Stott – Balin
Martin Freeman – Bilbo Baggins
Richard Armitage – Thorin Oakenshield
Stephen Hunter – Bombur
William Kircher – Bifur
Adam Brown – Ori
Aidan Turner – Kili
Benedict Cumberbatch – Smaug
Conan Stevens – Azog

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The Hobbit pays better than The Office

Another Round


Booze Revooze: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

WTF!? The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

WTF!? The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

WTF!? The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

WTF!? The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

WTF!? The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

WTF!? The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round