From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Marvin Gaye – This I Know
[Press ‘Play’ for the song that is all Cap’n missed when he was frozen, according to The Falcon]
Once again, i had the pleasure of seeing this early because in Yeaman, we’re all so premature. As proof, i offer up this collage of screen shots i took on my phone for the sole purpose of proving i was actually deep in winter before you, messing up all that virgin snow with my ugly footprints. The background image is from the end credits…
Ramblings: A Hot Winter
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with the ugly sister? You already got drunk once with the hot sister and it was OK as getting drunk goes but you didn’t get any and you never will because she’s not accessible no matter how drunk she gets but you don’t even give a shit because when you see her you realize she wasn’t that hot to begin with. The ugly sister’s not the same bag of worms or kettle of beer because when you sit down across from her your expectations are dirt low but she starts to get her drink on and boozed up and let’s her hair down and she’s not nearly as ugly as you thought because you find yourself having way more fun than you thought you would because this chick is cool and maybe ‘cool’ means ‘beautiful’ in a way because the ugly sister knows how to have a blast and give you one too. After you leave the bar arm in arm using each other as walking sticks laughing each other’s asses off and she follows you home and you keep her happy because you see a lot more action with the ugly sister than you ever would the hot one and maybe you’ll feel a little guilty and ashamed the next day but for right now you’re getting off and right now counts a hell of a lot when you start counting. Captain America: The Winter Soldier is that ugly sister you might accidentally fall a little in love with.
i wasn’t a big fan of Captain America: The First Avenger because i don’t like my super heroes kitsch and that first one was super fucking olde tyme-y with olde tyme-y action and uniforms and romance so old it felt like i was watching Captain America on the Prairie. So i wasn’t really all that psyched to see this one because i was expecting another PG-13 hero fest rather than a raunchy ‘R’ hero i could count on to get me off.
Because of all that, no one was more surprised than i was by how well this one turned out. The story here was tight, moved along at a good pace and just seemed to take Captain America more seriously than the first film did, which meant we take him more seriously as well. i mean, what action they put in here was strong and original enough to be interesting, plus there was no real romance this time and that worked really well for me because Super Hero romance is like Wonder Woman’s period: i know it happens but i don’t want to see it.
The other things i don’t want to see is Chris Evans who is the worst actor of the Marvel group, but he’s getting a little better with practice or else they took a shitload of takes and waited for him to get it right like a monkey banging a typewriter getting Shakespeare right. Course they didn’t really make him stretch as an artist either, which works out best for everyone. Ironic that he’s the guy i hate the most and this is one of the Super films i liked the most.
See, what cracks me up when i think about it (which is pretty much never) is that films about the heavy hitter heroes usually suck to a pretty big degree, and i’m talking about you Superman, Iron Man, Spiderman and every Batman except The Dark Knight (which is still the ultimate super film by which all future super hero films will be judged), while the movies about the minor heroes (both Thor movies rocked) hold their own and often beat out the majors. Of course, The Avengers is in a class by itself as well, but Captain America: The Winter Soldier makes the wait for Avengers 2 a hell of a lot easier.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2½ shots
First off, there was a hell of a lot more Scarlett Johansson here than i expected to see. i guess because Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow isn’t going to get her own film, they had to let her share this one which worked out for me because i really fuckin don’t like Chris Evans as an actor so looking at Scarlett was a lot more fun. It would’ve been even more fun if they’d have let her look more like this.
There are some huge, individual shots of her in my drawers at the bottom of this post. Just scroll all the way down until you reach her bottom.
Then there was also a girl a lot of geeks were afraid of because she’s some kind of young teen actress and everyone was nerding out all comically as to how much she would ruin this movie. The good news is, Emily VanCamp doesn’t suck (at acting), her screen time is not enormous, and she looks like the 27-year-old she is in real life and not like this.
Lots of drawer shots of her down there as well. Just look for the Scarlett photos at the end of this article and keep heading south.
There was also Hayley Awtell who was the love disinterest in The First Avenger and who was only in one scene here (not including a flashback) where she plays this old fucking woman in her sickbed and Captain America comes over to throw her a pity fuck (probably, but they don’t show it–still, he’s a super nice guy and he did kind of break her heart by getting cryogenically frozen when she was in her prime so i like to think he did her a solid by giving her his). In order to do that, though, he had to close his eyes and imagine something that looked a lot like this.
There was also Colbie Smothers or whatever her name is. She was the (what the fuck is her job, anyway?) in The Avengers and she was the same thing here. (Seriously, does anyone know what her job is? If you do, could you tell me in the comments?) Not a lot of screen time, which kind of sucks because i’d prefer to look at her than Chris Evans.
Here’s the blow by blow:
- Girl at veteran’s meeting [was hot–unfortunately, i couldn’t find her in the IMDB credits to ask her for an interview; if anyone reading this knows who the hot girl speaking at the veteran’s association meeting was, please let me know]
- Loads of Scarlett in this
- Down blouse shot of Natasha in the chopper
Just one scene where Robert Redford toasts his enemies with champagne in his office before launching the aircraft carrier planes.
Rock & Roll: 4½ shots
Very solid performance with the action. There were more than just a couple of major action sequences and each of these was distinct and well directed, avoiding clichés and sloppy jumpy action.
Speaking of people i haven’t heard of who aren’t major enough to get their own films, we meet The Falcon in this film, who i never heard about because i’m too busy looking for photos of hot actresses. Anyway, i’m guessing he’ll be featured in the next Avengers movie and they were running out of places to stick him so Captain America got lucky because they stuck The Falcon in his. At least he makes sense in the film and his flying scenes were well done so he doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb.
Also, the bad guy, The Winter Soldier, was a true badass and looked the part, especially when he had his mouth guard thing on. Even after it fell off he still looked more awesome than Bucky in The First Avenger.
The blow by blow:
- Ship infiltration at beginning not bad. Nicely choreographed fight with Frenchie
- Cap’n’s escape scene [from infiltrators at SHIELD] good
- Stan Lee cameo as a museum security guard: Oh man, I’m so fired.
- Fighting Winter Soldier with black guy & Scarlett [super cool]
- Well done climax
BTW, the bonus scene at the end of the credits shows us to psycho twins, one who’s super hyper and another who can make blocks float with her mind, which i’m guessing will be key in the Avengers 2.
Boring Technical Crap
Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely – screenplay
Ed Brubaker – concept and story
Joe Simon & Jack Kirby – comic book
Anthony Russo & Joe Russo
Joss Whedon – director: post-credits scene
Scarlett Johansson – Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow
Emily VanCamp – Sharon Carter / Agent 13
Cobie Smulders – Maria Hill
Hayley Atwell – Peggy Carter
Sebastian Stan – Bucky Barnes / Winter Soldier
Chris Evans – Steve Rogers / Captain America
Samuel L. Jackson – Nick Fury
Robert Redford – Alexander Pierce
Anthony Mackie – Sam Wilson / The Falcon
Stan Lee – Museum Staff
If *i* liked a Chris Evans’ Captain America film, you are going to fucking love it.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
No more words…The babes below will leave you speechless because what follows is pretty NSFW.