0-5 Shots: Dracula Untold

Dracula Untold 01 poster (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None)

Yeah, i got to see this on October 1, a full 9 days before y’all in the States. And because i know you don’t believe me – and who can blame you – here’s the obligatory ticket shot.

Dracula Untold 00 ticket (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None)

Ramblings: Bad Blood

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk in Eastern Europe? You think it’s going to be all exotic and that the cocktails will all be different and everyone you meet will be fascinating and that you’ll come away from the trip with stories that will have people buying you drinks wherever you go. Except beer is beer even in foreign places and the people there drink just like your asshole friends back home and the bars smell the same only dirtier and the bartenders rip you off with short drinks that are watered down before the waitresses overcharge you so the only stories you come away with are the same ones you already have, only less interesting. That’s what Dracula Untold is like.

Dracula Untold 02 (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None)

Dracula Untold has been told so many times before i struggled to stay awake.

It’s been told many times over and better to boot. Like the directing was better in Bram Stoker’s Dracula, the script was better in The Hunger, and the action was better in From Dusk Till Dawn. There was a lot of money dropped on Dracula Untold, and like a tart who gets tarted up for a night out, the film looked the part. Unfortunately, just like that same tart at the end of the evening, Dracula doesn’t deliver anything more than a token kiss with only a little tongue.

Dracula Untold 03 (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None)

The dialog sucked hard like a vampire, too. Every fucking line was super melodramatic and then the actors read them like they were their final words and it was so bad that you wished they were.

Not that i’m the kind of asshole who’s just going to rag on a film without hitting the good points. For example, the look of the film was great. The production costs must’ve been high and it was all on the screen with the rich images and epic landscapes that made me want to watch Lord of the Rings again. Plus, Dracula Untold had some good actors like Dominic Cooper, who did a better job here with a Turkish accent than he did in Need for Speed with his normal accent.

Dracula Untold 04 (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None)

Which reminds me, if you’re Turkish and reading this – wow, you must be really fucking lost. Also you probably don’t want to see Dracula Untold because they trash ancient Turkey more than i’m trashing this film.

You know who might like this movie? Kids. If you’re a kid and reading this then you’re even more lost than those Turkish dudes, but Dracula Untold is a good vampire movie for those of you whose only experience with vampires was Twilight. For the rest of us, though, this’ll leave you thirsty for something harder.

Dracula Untold 05 (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None)

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

2 shots

A disappointment but i can’t say i was surprised. Or i could say it, but everyone would know i was lying because if you look at the cast on the IMDb page, 14 of the first 15 actors listed are men. In other words, be ready to get a long look at the unfairer sex for a long fucking time.

That one woman mentioned is the lovely Sarah Gadon, who showed as much skin as a Muslim woman in a body veil under a pile of quilts in Antarctica. This kind of bummed me out because Sarah’s not afraid to go full frontal, as she so bravely showed in Enemy [follow the link and get the exact times she bared more than her soul – thanks to Saint Pauly]. i blame it on American prudery and this is how i choose to fight that onslaught:

Sarah Gadon 2014-10-02 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall)

Sarah Gadon Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)

There’s more single shots of her at the bottom of this post, in my drawers.

Silken Butterflies

One beautiful young lady flitted across the screen so fleetingly that her absence stirred a melancholy inside me. Whatever Dracula Untold‘s, at least Dilan Gwyn as the Governess made me feel something deeply.

Dilan Gwyn 2014-10-02 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall)

Dilan Gwyn Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)

There’s some single shots of her rolling around in my drawers at the end of this post as well.

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

Vampires suck and then they swallow, like much of this film, but they don’t drink booze. There was only one scene where alcohol flowed in copious quantities and that was an Easter feast. A Feaster, i guess you could say and if you don’t, i will.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

3 shots

The action was definitely the best part of the movie, and to be fair, the film does move along quickly. As quick as a bat, if i may be so bold – and i may. Like my sex life, however, there was a lot of action but nothing new or exciting. They were just going through the motions and when it was over you felt satisfied but not in the mood for anything more.

Dracula Untold 06 (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None)

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless

Directed by: Gary Shore

Starring

Sarah Gadon – Mirena
Dilan Gwyn – Governess
Luke Evans – Vlad
Dominic Cooper – Mehmed

Bottom Line

i’d wait and download this later. It isn’t worth the 10 bones to see it in the theater and you can watch the Francis Ford Coppola version in the meantime. You’ll thank me later.

Dracula Untold 01 poster (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None) (2)

This gift brought to us by Saint Pauly

Another Round

WTF!? takes a hilarious look at this vampire offering

WTF!? review of the Frankenstein, the Untold Story

Booze Revooze of a way cooler vampire movie

Fernby Films awesome review of Blade

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

The words are over, the rest is for y’all who only like looking at the pretty pictures.

Sarah Gadon

Sarah Gadon 01 (AlKHall Bar None)

Sarah Gadon 02 (AlKHall Bar None)

Sarah Gadon 03 (AlKHall Bar None)

Sarah Gadon 04 (AlKHall Bar None)

Sarah Gadon 05 (AlKHall Bar None)

Sarah Gadon 06 (AlKHall Bar None)

Sarah Gadon 07 (AlKHall Bar None)

Dilan Gwyn

Dilan Gwyn 01 (AlKHall Bar None)

Dilan Gwyn 02 (AlKHall Bar None)

Dilan Gwyn 03 (AlKHall Bar None)

Dilan Gwyn 04 (AlKHall Bar None)

Dilan Gwyn 05 (AlKHall Bar None)

Dilan Gwyn 06 (AlKHall Bar None)

Dilan Gwyn 07 (AlKHall Bar None)

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

2 thoughts on “0-5 Shots: Dracula Untold

  1. I totally forgot Sarah Gordon was in Enemy. Mind you, I’ve been trying to forget Enemy ever since I saw it.

    I think I enjoyed this a lot more than you did, but I was expecting trash so that’s probably why.

    And for the record, I’d cast Dilan Gwyn in any movie I could. Wow.

    • There’s a lot to forget in Enemy, to be sure. i’m not sure what i was expecting when i saw this, but it sure wasn’t this. In fact, talking about it here, i’m reminded that this film reminds me of I, Frankenstein. It’s like, Frankenstein, the Untold Story. Anyway, like my grandpa always said, “If everybody was the same, we’d all be chasing your grandmother.”

      As for Dilan… Wow. ‘Nuff said.

      Thanks for patronizing me, brother,

      Al K Hall

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