The dregs are back, bigger and bitter than ever. Like i got a drunk cheerleader picking up and going down on her kids’ friend, i got Koreans afraid the Irish will outdrink them, English people raising all kinds of hell in Thanksgiving-land, Amanda Bynes working for for me, shitfaced toddlers, laws you only have to obey when you want to, prosecuted prosecuting attorneys and so much fucking more you better start reading now before you run out of time to finish all the shit rising to the bottom. Even better, i have a present for y’all. That’s right, i got you guys a “Get out of jail drunk” card of your very own. Because that’s the kind of tender bartending mother fucker i am.
Not from the juiced-box, but dedicated to the Irish from the Koreans: SM Ballad – 내일은 (Another Day)
[Press play for a song that was banned in South Korea for promoting alcoholism with hardcore lines like “Drunk on alcohol so that I don’t miss you” and “If you fall asleep drunk, you dream“]
An Irish woman applied for a teaching job in Korea, probably because she wanted to stay drunk all the time and she knew that Koreans party like it’s nobody’s business except hers if she got the job. What makes it my business is that they told her she can’t teach there because she’s Irish which means for sure she’s probably an alcoholic. Here’s what he South Korean teaching agency had to say…
I am sorry to inform you that my client does not hire Irish people due to the alcoholism nature of your kind.
To be fair, i can’t help but agree with them. i mean, South Koreans drink more than any fuckers in the world. 4 times more than the whUSsies and 5 times more than the pussy Irish.
So first the Koreans should know if someone drinks too much and second, the Irish chick wants to move to Korea so obviously she wants to drink 5 times more than she does now, right? i mean, why would anyone want to move to fucking South Korea? Has to be to stay shit faced all the time.
But you know me (and if you don’t you don’t know shit), i’m going to leave it up to y’all, the patronizers of the Bar None. Look at these two wallpapers and vote on which country is the most fucked up.
Drunk Irish Girls wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
Drunk Korean Girls wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
My theory is South Koreans got the wrong impression about the Irish from watching too much Archer.
Speaking of places for alcoholics to live, y’all alcoholics should move to Arizona. They just voted on a proposition which says they don’t have to obey any government law they don’t want to. The good news for us is that it means we can do the same. Just go to Arizona and do any old fuck thing you want and if they give you shit about it, just say, “I don’t feel like recognizing your law as Constitutional.”.
Kathleen was arrested (with a BAC of .205) because she was swearing at students while drinking white wine and screwdrivers before, in and after class. Sounds like she’s teaching some life lessons to me and besides, i’ve memorized the Constitution and nowhere does it say Thou Shalt Not Teach Drunk. All Kathleen has to do is say she doesn’t feel like obeying their “Drunk and Disorderly” law because it’s not Constitutional, and she can go home and resuscitate that bender.
While we’re talking about lawlessness, a New York City prosecutor handled a tough case of beer and was out of order at the bar where his actions drew contempt from all of those judging his poor demeanor. Manhattan prosecutor Eli Cherkasky grabbed this lady’s bags (like real bags, not a euphemism) and when she got pissed, he grabbed both her arms and was all,
Bitch! You’re a bitch! Hit me! Why don’t you hit me?
to which i hope she answered, “Because I don’t abuse animals, even pigs.”
Eli Cherkasky Mug Shot
Then 5 minutes later, he called her a “Cunt”, pushed her to the ground and started choking her ass (not literally).
Eli may have passed the bar exam but he failed this bar exam. I don’t think he’ll be prosecuting himself, though, because he doesn’t even feel guilty.
Six tots under the age of 8 descended on a Joe’s Crab Shack in Colorado Springs, CO and ordered a round of drinks. They were served Kiddy Cocktails, hold the Kiddy [and if you do, they’ll never let you within 500 yards of a grade school again]. Unfortunately, the waitress came back shortly after and carded them told them their drinks had alcohol, so she took the beverages away, but not before one little 2-year-old had polished off her entire “Shark Nibble”.
That’s a good price for cooked kids
The good news for those of you under the age of 21: now you know where to go and what to order if you want to get Baby’s First Hangover.
Just in time for Thanksgiving, here’s your Turkey, where locals think the English are turkeys.
What happened was is that the English tourists in Turkey drank until dawn which is when the Muslims go to pray because the early bird catches the best rug. So the holier than thems complained because there were drunk English people all over the place, just like every country that has English people in it.
What the Turks don’t understand is that the Brits were partaking in their own rough sects. Boozing is sacred to the English, who drink religiously until they fall to their knees and call out to God at the white altar.
i’m writing you with a job proposition and this one doesn’t involve a head or a hand like the last time. i know you’re looking for a job as a bartender and we have an open position for you here at the Bar None, and this time by ‘position’, i don’t mean Missionary, Peace sign, Butterfly, The Stopperage, The Yawning Position, The Octopus, The Viennese Oyster, The Leapfrog, Doggy style, Upright doggy, 69, Spread-eagle, Spoons, Inverted Missionary, Camel Ride, The Screw, The Cowgirl, The Italian Chandelier, Horizontal Reverse, The Proposal, The Split level, The Crabwalk, Watching the Game, The Armchair, The Black Bee, Persuading of the Debtor, or The Playing of the Cello. The salary, like the job and the Bar None, is 100% spurious, and i think you’ll like it because you spend most of your time in fantasy land already.
All the booze,
Al K Hall
Temporal Functional Alcoholic Spokesperson
PS One of the requirements of the job is that you stop the plastic surgery. You were cuter before you started and you’re only going to make things worse if you continue so quit while you’re less behind.
There’s this 15 year old boy somewhere who’s a little sadder tonight because his cheerleader girlfriend got arrested and may go to jail for raping him. Oh yeah, because she’s 47. The once oldest NFL cheerleader first saw the kid’s photo on Instagram using her eyes and then got in touch with him using her mouth. And her hands.
In this case, though, two heads may not be better than one because, after she blew him off twice (and not the cold shoulder way), he never wanted to see her again, despite her wide open offer of free sex.
C’mon, Molly, pick up someone your own size. And if you want someone to practice on, i can give you a tip.
Check this magic trick out. Here’s what Molly looks like hanging out with the kids…
And here’s what she changes into when she goes the the police for her mug shot.
More drunken cheerleaders? Coming right up…
Drunk Cheerleader Wallpaper – click on the shot for a wallpaper
Elizabeth Vargas, a journalist in Chicago was fired because she showed up at work drunk a couple times and couldn’t finish a broadcast because she was drunk on air. Her defense was the “Fuck you” defense. “Fuck you because you knew i was an alcoholic when you hired me because you knew i got fired from my last job for being drunk all the time.”
A News Flash
As an alcoholic in recovery, i kinda wish i’d had this defense when i was a drunk. Imagine being able to get away with all of your drunken fuck-ups just by saying you’re a drunk. “i’m sorry about running over your dog, officer, but i’m an alcoholic and you knew it because you already arrested me shitloads of times.”
You know what, though? Why should celebrities be the only ones to get of scotch free? Here’s your own, personal Get Out of Jail Drunk card. Feel free to carve out of your monitor and use it the next time you screw shit up with your drunk ass antics.
i sure could’ve used this card back when i was drinking because i did shit like
Made aquarium lips on the window of a restaurant on the Champs Elysées
Asked friends if i could sleep with their girlfriends
Made my sister the designated driver on her 21st birthday
Yeah, i’ve done a lot of shit where a get out of jail drunk card woulda come in handy. What about you? Care to share any embarrassing drunk stories with us here at the Bar None? Leave a comment in the Tip jar. (BTW, the Tip Jar is the “Comments” section.)
2014-11-14 Big Ass Ass
Booze goes striaght to her ass
Kim Kardashian’s ass isn’t just big, it’s opera big. Because she’s trying to turn all the public attention away from the story that I uncovered about how she had a dwarf’s baby, she decided to pose completely nude on the cover of some made up magazine no one ever heard of and probably doesn’t exist. Then, to make sure she got my attention, she posed with champagne everywhere to make sure i knew she was in the Bar None. As i’m always one to oblige, here’s Kim in all her glory hole.
As long as she doesn’t think i’ve forgotten her dwarf baby.
Watch out, y’all because what’s coming up won’t go back down: it’s too NSFW, even NSFWer than all the shit you just read before. You’ve been warned.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Leo Reisman (Cole Porter) – You Do Something To Me
[Press ‘Play’ for the traditional Woody Allen jazz shit]
Ramblings: Cheap tricks
Final Proof: 3 shots
You know how you get drunk with a magician? For the first couple drinks you’re pretty amazed by his illusions and you find yourself wanting to believe there is something special going on, something beyond the everyday, something extra-ordinary. But it doesn’t take long for you to see through the tricks, and the magic, like the buzz, isn’t real at all – it’s artificial, it’s an illusion and once you see through it, you leave disappointed and feeling you could’ve made more magic yourself. That’s the not so special effect of Magic in the Moonlight.
Pinocchio as a cross dresser
Top hats off to Woody Allen for making a film a year, which makes him one of the most prolific filmmakers of his generation but then most of his generation is dead. The problem is, if a guy faps once an hour, the consistency of his… creative juices lessens and gets a little sloppy over time. If a magician never stops doing tricks, the tricks start to look the same after awhile. There’s only so many ways you can saw a woman in half. Legally.
i’m a big fan of Woodies. i’m also kind of a fan of Woody Allen. i especially like when he does magical realism. Alice, The Purple Rose of Cairo, even Midnight in Paris really work for me. i find most of his other movies, though, are like rum drinks in a mall bar: bland, ordinary, and weak. Magic in the Moonlight had the chance to make the right choice, but in the end decided it was too lazy. No one likes it when it’s too lazy in the end, ask Neil Patrick Harris.
“God’s penis is actually rather small”
i say that, but this movie wasn’t a total waste. The story line was like my porn, interesting and satisfying and the ending caught me by surprise. Probably the best thing overall about Magic in the Moonlight was Emma Stone. You probably remember that i still hate Emma because of a rumor years ago before she was super famous that she was a supreme bitch to a couple of young teen girls who approached her for an autograph. While i can’t forgive that, i have to admit that she’s fun to watch on screen. She’s cute and she has a sparkly charm that helps pass the time so that, even if the movie isn’t all that engaging, at least she is.
“And then I’ll show you how I got the nickname ‘Woody’.”
If you like Woody Allen, you’ll probably like this one, and if you don’t like him, sorry i didn’t bash him more.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: ½ Shot
Before i get balls balls deep into the sex, i want you to grasp something big about this movie. This movie is a romantic comedy between a man who is 54 years old and a girl who is 26. Not judging, but it’s obviously a Woody Allen movie and maybe even a little based on his life except, in the movie, the girl isn’t her lover’s daughter.
To be fair to the movie, i didn’t notice this age thing until some girl pointed it out to me afterwards. Which probably says less about me than you already know.
Whatever, Emma Stone was 24-25 when she made this movie and it’s not my fault that she looks like this.
Emma Stone Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
There’s more single shots of her in my drawers, down there. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.
As for the sexy in Magic in the Moonlight, here are my sex notes, blow by blow:
Emma Stone is super cute in her hat
Emma Stone closeups are breathtaking
Emma Stone dancing [is like watching new angels learn to fly]
Stanley [Colin Firth] and Sophie [Emma Stone] kiss at the happy ending
Just one this time, and not a beginner either. The very lovely Catherine McCormack was both in 28 Days Later and Braveheart, though she wasn’t in this movie nearly long enough (as Olivia, Stanley / Colin Firth‘s girlfriend).
Drink: 2 Shots
Most of Woody’s movies have tons of booze in them, though they don’t usually play an important role, so that’s why i’m throwing up 2 shots here. Interesting that they have alcohol in almost every scene and i, as an alcoholic in recovery, wasn’t even tempted once. Maybe i’m past the cravings or maybe Woody doesn’t know how to film booze.
Scotch in bar where one magician asks another to investigate a medium
Drinks at house before meeting Sophie [Emma Stone]
Stanley asks for wine visiting his Aunt Vanessa’s [Eileen Atkins] house after lunch
Dancing champagne in hand at the ball
Lots of champagne glasses as props to the sunrise after the ball [WTF!?]
“Perhaps I can scare up a whiskey.”
“We should break out champagne!” Celebrate Aunt Vanessa’s health
Wine at Aunt Vanessa’s when [Stanley] realizes he loves Sophie
Drinks at a bar forgiving his friend [Simon McBurney as Howard Burkan]
Vanessa: You need a drink. What will you have? Stanley: A scotch. (After breakup)
Rock & Roll: 0 shots
Woody Allen is a jazz freak and just a freak but knows nothing about rock, either for action or music.
For those of you who kept a couple of shits to give, here’s the soundtrack recreated on Spotify. (i had to substitute versions of some of the songs for what was available.)
LUSH. If you don’t know what this stands for, you’ll fall for anything. LUSH is the Bar None acronym for Lesbian Until Sober Honey and i’m not saying Taylor Swift is a LUSH, i’m saying i hope she is or at least that she’ll take pictures of her trying to be.
Like Cara and a Taylor were both photographed drinking alcohol. In the company of another woman. At a basketball game. The only difference is that Taylor was drinking with a beautiful woman, and Cara was with Michelle Rodriguez. Still, since Cara and Michelle broke up, maybe Taylor can score with Cara on the rebound. There’s a match-up that would start me dribbling.
Taylor’s date was Karlie “Lip” Kloss, a hot lingerie model and my investigative journalism skills once again paid off once again because i figured out how they hooked up. And Cara Delevignge is the missing link. Check it out.
Cara is a model alcoholic and she had a few drinks with Lip Kloss which got Kloss all wet and shiny. But then Cara found Michelle, which left Karlie high and not dry at all but still wet and shiny. So Karlie went out and found herself her own, next-better thing: Tay-Tay. Ta-da!
There’s more shots of Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in my drawers at the bottom of this post. Just keep scrolling down ’til you start getting warmer.
You know me (and if you don’t, i wouldn’t be the first), i don’t give a shit about politics and shit like that. i’m just happy sitting here making you happy, but something other than me came across my desk the other day and i feel compelled to share it with you.
Chelsea Handler in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
American comic Chelsea Handler posted a picture of herself naked on top of a horse because Putin did. Except Chelsea didn’t do it to prove her boobs were as big as the Great Outhouse, but to protest the fact he can show his nipples and she can’t.
Chelsea Handler v Putin: Who’d you rather?
Now i like causes as much as the next guy, if the next guy is passed out in a pool of his own vomit at a I-don’t-care-about-causes bar. But if there’s one cause i’m willing to stand up for, it’s Free the Nipple. Now, don’t be confused like me and think the cause is to give free nipples to every one, because that would so rock hard, but it’s almost as good because they want chicks, sorry, girls to be able to show their nipples all over the place like men, except so much fucking hotter.
To prove i’m way cooler than Instagram, who censored her photo, i’m going to post the full original shot because i’m all about the political aspect of this and defending rights and equality and feminism and shit. Here at the Bar None, we’re Instagraphic:
BTW, to keep the protest going, here’s another shot Chelsea posted on Instagram. Hell, i’m just happy to be here and help out. Fight the Power.
Bar None Dregs
If you think this website is funny, you’re right. But also pretty funny is this guy over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).
Click on the logo for the laughs
As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall
What follows is just sexy shots of the girls. Read on at your own risk because it’s even not safe for worker than the shit you just read.