The dregs are back, bigger and bitter than ever. Like i got a drunk cheerleader picking up and going down on her kids’ friend, i got Koreans afraid the Irish will outdrink them, English people raising all kinds of hell in Thanksgiving-land, Amanda Bynes working for for me, shitfaced toddlers, laws you only have to obey when you want to, prosecuted prosecuting attorneys and so much fucking more you better start reading now before you run out of time to finish all the shit rising to the bottom. Even better, i have a present for y’all. That’s right, i got you guys a “Get out of jail drunk” card of your very own. Because that’s the kind of tender bartending mother fucker i am.
Not from the juiced-box, but dedicated to the Irish from the Koreans: SM Ballad – 내일은 (Another Day)
[Press play for a song that was banned in South Korea for promoting alcoholism with hardcore lines like “Drunk on alcohol so that I don’t miss you” and “If you fall asleep drunk, you dream“]
An Irish woman applied for a teaching job in Korea, probably because she wanted to stay drunk all the time and she knew that Koreans party like it’s nobody’s business except hers if she got the job. What makes it my business is that they told her she can’t teach there because she’s Irish which means for sure she’s probably an alcoholic. Here’s what he South Korean teaching agency had to say…
I am sorry to inform you that my client does not hire Irish people due to the alcoholism nature of your kind.
To be fair, i can’t help but agree with them. i mean, South Koreans drink more than any fuckers in the world. 4 times more than the whUSsies and 5 times more than the pussy Irish.
So first the Koreans should know if someone drinks too much and second, the Irish chick wants to move to Korea so obviously she wants to drink 5 times more than she does now, right? i mean, why would anyone want to move to fucking South Korea? Has to be to stay shit faced all the time.
But you know me (and if you don’t you don’t know shit), i’m going to leave it up to y’all, the patronizers of the Bar None. Look at these two wallpapers and vote on which country is the most fucked up.
My theory is South Koreans got the wrong impression about the Irish from watching too much Archer.
Speaking of places for alcoholics to live, y’all alcoholics should move to Arizona. They just voted on a proposition which says they don’t have to obey any government law they don’t want to. The good news for us is that it means we can do the same. Just go to Arizona and do any old fuck thing you want and if they give you shit about it, just say, “I don’t feel like recognizing your law as Constitutional.”.
Which is exactly what i aim to do for this one poor teacher.
Kathleen was arrested (with a BAC of .205) because she was swearing at students while drinking white wine and screwdrivers before, in and after class. Sounds like she’s teaching some life lessons to me and besides, i’ve memorized the Constitution and nowhere does it say Thou Shalt Not Teach Drunk. All Kathleen has to do is say she doesn’t feel like obeying their “Drunk and Disorderly” law because it’s not Constitutional, and she can go home and resuscitate that bender.
While we’re talking about lawlessness, a New York City prosecutor handled a tough case of beer and was out of order at the bar where his actions drew contempt from all of those judging his poor demeanor. Manhattan prosecutor Eli Cherkasky grabbed this lady’s bags (like real bags, not a euphemism) and when she got pissed, he grabbed both her arms and was all,
Bitch! You’re a bitch! Hit me! Why don’t you hit me?
to which i hope she answered, “Because I don’t abuse animals, even pigs.”
Then 5 minutes later, he called her a “Cunt”, pushed her to the ground and started choking her ass (not literally).
Eli may have passed the bar exam but he failed this bar exam. I don’t think he’ll be prosecuting himself, though, because he doesn’t even feel guilty.
Six tots under the age of 8 descended on a Joe’s Crab Shack in Colorado Springs, CO and ordered a round of drinks. They were served Kiddy Cocktails, hold the Kiddy [and if you do, they’ll never let you within 500 yards of a grade school again]. Unfortunately, the waitress came back shortly after and
carded them told them their drinks had alcohol, so she took the beverages away, but not before one little 2-year-old had polished off her entire “Shark Nibble”.
The good news for those of you under the age of 21: now you know where to go and what to order if you want to get Baby’s First Hangover.
Just in time for Thanksgiving, here’s your Turkey, where locals think the English are turkeys.
What happened was is that the English tourists in Turkey drank until dawn which is when the Muslims go to pray because the early bird catches the best rug. So the holier than thems complained because there were drunk English people all over the place, just like every country that has English people in it.
What the Turks don’t understand is that the Brits were partaking in their own rough sects. Boozing is sacred to the English, who drink religiously until they fall to their knees and call out to God at the white altar.
Dear Ms Amanda Bynes,
i’m writing you with a job proposition and this one doesn’t involve a head or a hand like the last time. i know you’re looking for a job as a bartender and we have an open position for you here at the Bar None, and this time by ‘position’, i don’t mean Missionary, Peace sign, Butterfly, The Stopperage, The Yawning Position, The Octopus, The Viennese Oyster, The Leapfrog, Doggy style, Upright doggy, 69, Spread-eagle, Spoons, Inverted Missionary, Camel Ride, The Screw, The Cowgirl, The Italian Chandelier, Horizontal Reverse, The Proposal, The Split level, The Crabwalk, Watching the Game, The Armchair, The Black Bee, Persuading of the Debtor, or The Playing of the Cello. The salary, like the job and the Bar None, is 100% spurious, and i think you’ll like it because you spend most of your time in fantasy land already.
All the booze,
Al K Hall
Temporal Functional Alcoholic Spokesperson
PS One of the requirements of the job is that you stop the plastic surgery. You were cuter before you started and you’re only going to make things worse if you continue so quit while you’re less behind.
There’s this 15 year old boy somewhere who’s a little sadder tonight because his cheerleader girlfriend got arrested and may go to jail for raping him. Oh yeah, because she’s 47. The once oldest NFL cheerleader first saw the kid’s photo on Instagram using her eyes and then got in touch with him using her mouth. And her hands.
In this case, though, two heads may not be better than one because, after she blew him off twice (and not the cold shoulder way), he never wanted to see her again, despite her wide open offer of free sex.
C’mon, Molly, pick up someone your own size. And if you want someone to practice on, i can give you a tip.
Check this magic trick out. Here’s what Molly looks like hanging out with the kids…
And here’s what she changes into when she goes the the police for her mug shot.
More drunken cheerleaders? Coming right up…
Elizabeth Vargas, a journalist in Chicago was fired because she showed up at work drunk a couple times and couldn’t finish a broadcast because she was drunk on air. Her defense was the “Fuck you” defense. “Fuck you because you knew i was an alcoholic when you hired me because you knew i got fired from my last job for being drunk all the time.”
As an alcoholic in recovery, i kinda wish i’d had this defense when i was a drunk. Imagine being able to get away with all of your drunken fuck-ups just by saying you’re a drunk. “i’m sorry about running over your dog, officer, but i’m an alcoholic and you knew it because you already arrested me shitloads of times.”
You know what, though? Why should celebrities be the only ones to get of scotch free? Here’s your own, personal Get Out of Jail Drunk card. Feel free to carve out of your monitor and use it the next time you screw shit up with your drunk ass antics.
i sure could’ve used this card back when i was drinking because i did shit like
- Made aquarium lips on the window of a restaurant on the Champs Elysées
- Asked friends if i could sleep with their girlfriends
- Made my sister the designated driver on her 21st birthday
Yeah, i’ve done a lot of shit where a get out of jail drunk card woulda come in handy. What about you? Care to share any embarrassing drunk stories with us here at the Bar None? Leave a comment in the Tip jar. (BTW, the Tip Jar is the “Comments” section.)
2014-11-14 Big Ass Ass
Kim Kardashian’s ass isn’t just big, it’s opera big. Because she’s trying to turn all the public attention away from the story that I uncovered about how she had a dwarf’s baby, she decided to pose completely nude on the cover of some made up magazine no one ever heard of and probably doesn’t exist. Then, to make sure she got my attention, she posed with champagne everywhere to make sure i knew she was in the Bar None. As i’m always one to oblige, here’s Kim in all her glory hole.
As long as she doesn’t think i’ve forgotten her dwarf baby.
Watch out, y’all because what’s coming up won’t go back down: it’s too NSFW, even NSFWer than all the shit you just read before. You’ve been warned.
Remember how last time i offended everyone by talking politics? i threw my unconditional support against Free the Nipple over and over again to defend Chelsea Handler and her indictment of Instagram’s refusal to publish pictures of her boobs. This week sees another cause pop up strongly, namely Keira Knightley bravely throwing her naked body upon us to show she’s not a slave to Photoshop. i also don’t approve of Photoshopping hot people, so i’m posting this picture in her defense.
And, while we’re on the Free Nipple subject, here’s my contribution to the cause with another KK pic, only this time it’s Kim Kardashian in the Bar None.
Damn, it’s hard being so political. So very hard.
Bar None Dregs
If you think this website is funny, you’re right. But Saint Pauly over at WTF!? (Watch the Film) isn’t so bad either.
As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall