Bar Angels and Boozehounds, the time has come yet again to waste some of your hard earned beer money on other people who won’t be able to contain their disappointment when they open the presents you bought with cash you should’ve spent on cheap tequila and that one heavy chick who wears a bikini top to the bar even if it’s winter and you live in Duluth.
What’s even worse than this torture? Well, for me it’s going through this sober, but for you normal drunks? The worst part is trying to hide the disenchantment you feel when you open yet another bag of dress socks that only reminds you that you have to go back to the office after the festivities have ended in a gut wrenching hangover.
Fret no more, dear Patronizers, i’ve compiled a list here of shit you can ask for so that all you have to do is share this with loved ones so that you can be sure to get more than slapped this holiday season.
10 Gifts on a Drunk’s Pissed List
Ways to smuggle booze
This year, why not own up to the fact you’re so much of an alcoholic you can’t go anywhere without an emergency supply? Here are some ways to live that dream.
2. Wine Rack (AKA the best named gift of the lot): Because sometimes a girl wants to suck her own breasts
3. Drunk Driver: Because everyone would die of shock if they saw alcohol on a golf course
More popular in Europe than Elvis, trust me.
4. Because sometimes you don’t want a bottle of red, you want a bottle of redneck
Every boozer needs a reminder that they are not the most useless thing on the planet.
6. One-handed bottle opener: So much faster and easier than a no-handed bottle opener – your date.
7. Beer Can Holder: Yeah, I wouldn’t want be seen touching a can of Coors Light, either.
Gifts That Get You
Here are two gifts that you don’t need to get because they get you – on a fun-da-mental level.
8. Spill-proof Martini Glass: Because you want to be able to sip that Cosmo while having sex in the city
9. Spill-proof Wine Glass: Not as efficient as the sippy cup i used to use, but more socially acceptable. Ok, a little more socially acceptable.
Bottle Vise Puzzle: For those alcoholics who aren’t just practicing but experts at it, here’s something that’ll make you think before you open the next bottle.
Because it’s Christmas, here’s my gift to you: a bonus idea.
Beef Straw: If you can’t find any online, just let me know, i have a meat straw you can borrow (but you’ll have to suck hard and long before anything comes out)