Final Proof: 2½ out of 5
You know you get drunk at home on a weeknight? The evening starts out with a cocktail of three fingers of Jack black label in a dirty glass while you watch local news and kick your shoes off without untying the laces. You get your TV dinner out of the microwave and eat off your lap while watching reruns and gulping swigs of 3.2 beer. For desert you scoop ice cream out of the soggy carton and shovel it directly into your mouth while your t-shirt keeps slipping over your belly and you have to pause between bites to burp. This absolutely mundane experience that replays on your living room sofa every night is exactly what Jack Reacher was like.
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back missed a good opportunity to be direct-to-DVD. The story is less interesting than most tv series i watch and reminds me of an old episode from some late 90s cop show. The action was lifted from a Starsky & Hutch rerun, the jokes were from some Saturday morning cartoon and the New Orleans set was so obviously back-lot Hollywood that I expected some NCIS agent to step out of the shadows to make a bust.
It’s just all so disappointing. i’m trying damned hard to be the only man left in the world who doesn’t hate Tom Cruise for something but it’s getting harder and harder to say, “Yeah, but did you see him in Tropic Thunder? He was cool as fuck!” Plus he’s getting old and there were some scenes where the CGI wasn’t enough to scrub his wrinkles.
And this is the thing that bugged me the most… i wanted to like it. As i agree with Saint Pauly over at the competition’s blog that John Wick was a waste of celluloid, i was hoping Tom would cruise in and build off the excitment he tried to rub out in the first Jack Reacher. Already that one had a hard enough time delivering the goods with any kind of consistency, but then this one came along and was even slower? WTF!? Hell, i’m not even sad for me, i’m sad for Cobie Smulders who’s as cool as hell and broke out of How I Wasted Six Seasons of Your Life Meeting Your Dead Mother to be a famous movie star and then ends up as a bit player in the Marvel Comical Universe and gets short changed on roles in films like this one. Let’s give her the credit she deserves, Barmaids and Beerhounds!
Basically, if you’re in the mood to watch a tv show at the movies, this is a movie for you.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
There was no shortage of lovely ladies in the film but unfortunately, the boring-ness [it wasn’t a word but it is now – get over it] got in the way and was so distracting it was hard to appreciate the beauty and talent of Marvel Avengers Maria Hill (AKA Cobie Smulders).
There was even a scene in a motel toward the beginning where she walked around in a military reinforced bra for a couple of minutes, but if you want the sexy, you should stay here instead.
Jack Reacher also had a teen interest (like a love interest but a teen included not for romance but inserted into movies as millennial magnets) in the guise of the very cute Danika Yarosh, which is slavic for this:
Finally, the young and attractive Madalyn Horcher played Sgt. Leach, a young non-com who never got sexier than her military fatigues so y’all came to the right place to catch this kind of action.
The ever so lovely Abbie Gayle made an appearance as “Senior Girl #1” and the film was all the better for it. Maybe they should’ve put her in more often and longer to make the film as good as this shot looks.
Drink: 0 shots
The complete and total absence of alcohol was a little disturbing, to be honest – and i’m a teetotaler.
Rock & Roll: 2 shots
Not nearly as much action as you deserve.
Boring Technical Crap
Lee Child for the book
Richard Wenk, Edward Zwick, and Marshall Herskovitz for the screenplay
Directed by: Edward Zwick
Cobie Smulders – Susan Turner
Danika Yarosh – Samantha Dayton
Madalyn Horcher – Sgt. Leach
Tom Cruise – Jack Reacher
Aldis Hodge – Espin
See the first one again or wait for John Wick 2, but leave this one alone until it comes on your favorite website.
The Drawers (NSFW)
Be warned that the shots that follow are of the sexy nature, so if you’re looking at it with bosses or kids (or a boss who is a kid) around then you have no one to blame except your curiosity. Because i just warned your ass.