i don’t know if you know or not because she’s not really a Bar None type of gal, but there’s this girl singer called Selena Gomez. You might remember her from when she made an appearance her in Spring Breakers where she played a good girl going bad. If you missed that one, though, no big deal because all you have to do is look at her life. She’s pulling that same shit there.
Yeah, i said it. Like everyone else hasn’t been saying it already.
As of this writing (2013-07-14 13:11 Yemen time), the news of Cory Monteith’s death in a Vancouver hotel room has hit the net. The official cause is still unknown, but authorities say that no foul play is suspected.
People, if you die alone in a hotel room and no foul play is suspected, it’s either an INXSTC neck tie or you killed yourself with substances, intentionally or not.
i’m not here to mock him. If you don’t know who Cory Monteith was, which is entirely possible when you think about the typical patrons of The Bar None, then, well…what i can tell you is that he was the star of a TV show called Glee and if you don’t know what that it is well, what can i tell you? Other than he was a teen idol and that it doesn’t matter.
What does matter is that he had addiction issues which seemed to begin with alcohol (he first went to rehab at 19) and then evolved into drug use.
What also matters is that you will die the same way he did if you do the same shit he does. So he was like you and especially like me and not because i’m a drop dead sexy mother fucker. OK, not just because i’m a drop dead sexy mother fucker.
i am an alcoholic in recovery after a 30-year drinking career. i got sober after getting out of the hospital where i spent 10 days (three in ICU where family and friends were called to my bedside in case i didn’t make it) when i tried to kill myself.
i was lucky. Cory Monteith wasn’t. That’s what it comes down to.
What it really comes down to is you. This post is all about you.You have not committed suicide, on purpose or otherwise. Don’t start now.
Here it is, the beginning of another year and you’re starting it off wishing you could forget the few memories still hanging on from last night. i know, and how else could i know except i’ve been in the exact same places you are now. Well, not exactly the same because i don’t even know your sister so how could i be passed out on the cement floor of the bathroom in her unfinished basement where he husband insisted we sleep because our puke is bound to be heroically pungent after all the imitation crab legs we nuked on shiny paper plates with slabs of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”.
Even if i haven’t been there specifically, i’ve been there before and it’s not because i’m sober today that i don’t recall ringing in the new year with a bell that clanged too fucking loudly and sounded like a hangover.
As your (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, i’m here to help by knocking one item off the to-do list scrawled on the back of the leaf you’re in too much pain to turn over at the moment. Here, then, are the
Ten Drinking Resolutions You’ve Made for 2012
1. I Resolve To Hold My Liquor Better
2. I Resolve To Sit Up Straight No Matter How Drunk i Am
3. I Resolve Not To Spill My Drink
4. I Resolve Not To Dance While Drunk
5. I Resolve Not To Play With Fire When Drinking
6. I Resolve Not To Get A Tattoo If i’m Drunk
7. I Resolve To Remember Cardboard Is Not A Costume
8. I Resolve Not To Go Native
9. I Resolve To Stop Sleeping Around
10. I Resolve To Pass Out In A Bed
BONUS ROUND: Click at your own risk and watch your step:
From the juiced-box and Mel Gibson’s heart: Evanescence – Forgive Me
[Press ‘Play’ to hear Amy Lee make the same demands as Mel Gibson, only better]
You know me (and if you don’t there’s a cure for that), i’m all about the RDJr. A talented actor who hit the kind of bottoms that kill most people, he went into recovery and came back shining like a beacon to souls lost at sea, without losing any of the edge that makes him one of the best actors of his generation. A person who can serve as an example in both their personal and professional lives is like a Gucci life saver: priceless and feels good to have around you.
This Guy's Ready For Anything
The short version of this is that if Downey asked me to chew off my own balls with Amy Winehouse’s rotting teeth, i’d ask if he wanted me to start with the right or the left love bulb.
Which makes it very tough and more than a little hypocritical of me to say i won’t forgive Mel Gibson.
Especially hypocritical because in my Al K Hall Anonymous blog i’m all about the compassion: self compassion, compassion for others, a round of compassion on me for everyone all the way around.
Why am i holding out on some compassion for Mel, you so rightly ask?
Is it because he’s displayed anti-Semitic behavior more than once, and my children are Jewish? Is it because he’s beaten his wife, driven drunk, and demonstrated prejudice towards black people? What about threatening to burn down his children’s home while they slept inside it?
No. i, myself, know too well the gut shot burn of shame inflicted by going off half cocked. i have executed far too many wrongs to say someone else isn’t right, committed too many sins to be holier than thou, behaved far too criminally against others to judge anyone.
No. The thing i can’t look past is his future.
i don’t see him taking any steps to ensure these errors don’t happen again. i hit some ugly bottoms myself and i continue to make mistakes in my sobriety, but i’m in recovery and actively working a 12-step program daily. Mel Gibson goes to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings drunk.
What i need to see from Mel Gibson is less contrition and more contribution. More action and less acting.
i’ll honor Robert Downey Jr’s request and forgive Mel Gibson when Mel Gibson starts acting more like Robert Downey Jr.
Until then, i forgive Robert Downey Jr for asking me to forgive Mel Gibson.
Before we get to the goodies, here’s the goods. Straight up from the juiced-box, a brother who has lived there, died from it, then went back to live there again. The man, Warren Zevon. His message? My shit’s fucked up.
[Press ‘Play’ for some fucked up shit. You’ll come for the lyrics, but the guitar part will make you come.]
As you all may or may not care, Miss Demeanor and i are leaving on our annual Sabbatical to Camp David Hasselhoff. The Rod has kindly offered to look after the place in our absence, so here’s to The Rod. Three Beers for The Rod! This also means that i will not be able to respond to comments with my usual rudeless efficiency. Please feel free to look around the site while you wait the 3 weeks it’ll take me to get back and get back to you.
Also, i don’t know if i mentioned it or not but Miss Demeanor will officially become Mrs Demeanor on 09/09, as that’s when i’m making a dishonest woman from her. And there was much rejoicing.
Here’s some more shots of what it will look like when Miss D and i fly away tomorrow.
Also in the news, i would officially like to thank Dana, Shankaripriya, and Mdgnh who are my three latest subscribers. Thank you for your confidence. i hope i can live down my reputation and up to your expectations. And thank you for patronizing me. If anyone else out there wants to have their name read by 3000 people a day, all you have to do is click the Subscribe button up top over there.
Speaking of readership, an important milestone just swooshed right past me and i didn’t even notice. Normally i’d blame my drunk blogging, but you know how that is. Anyway, some time about two weeks ago, i surpassed one million readers served. For proof all you have to do is look at the top of the column over there. Allow me to grovel a bit and to thank each of you who slid into the Bar None for whatever reason, be it the sexy shots of women, my delectable sense of humor, or the sexy shots women who am i kidding? Whatever the reason, you are all equally important in my eyes (especially Miss D, Wayne, The Rod, ITSB, Bats and Paulo the Lurker). Thanks, as always, for patronizing me.
Also, i just know that Saint Pauly kid would get all up in my shit if i didn’t point out that he posted another one of his funny movie thingies over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).
With that, i leave you to your own devices. Do with them what you will, where you will.
Thanks for patronizing me, Barmaids and Beerhounds,
Amy Jade Winehouse: 14 September, 1983 - July 23, 2011
Directly from the juiced-box and dedicated to Amy Winehouse
[Press ‘Play’ for a bit of truth]
i’m not a hypocrite. i’m not going to spew forth glorious praise and sentimental platitudes about how Amy Winehouse was a great woman. She was not a great woman. She was an incredibly gifted singer, but the talent that came naturally to her in art deserted her when it came to living.
It’s true you haven’t heard much from me lately about the Bar None’s Bar Nun and much of that’s because In The Same Boat talked about how he ran into her at a party (because he’s all the time hobbing his knob with the upper crusties) and she was a real prima donna bitch.
You know me (and if you don’t you oughta get your shots while they last), i’m a really super forgiving guy and i can overlook every kind of default like being a hot fire crotch who loves to party. But one thing that straightens my bender are people who think they’re better than me. Just because she starred in a Love Bug remake and was arrested for covering Stevie Nicks’ Edge of Seventeen doesn’t make her shit any hotter than mine.
[Oops, my bad, i just found out the crime she was arrested for had to do with drinking and drugs. Still, have you heard her “Edge of Seventeen”? You came to the right place, i put it at the end of this bad boy. To get your whistle all wet, here’s her singing an “original”, “I Wanna Be Bad”.]
[Press ‘Play’ to hear Lindsay get her wish]
On June 29, 2011 Lindsay Lohan was able to go home after being released from her…home. Your chance to go to her place and tell her that her home cooking tastes like prison food is officially over. Too bad you didn’t do that on June 13, when the Bar Nun had a party and got her petite wrist slapped for having a Girl’s Prison Party, which, ironically, is also my favorite movie of 1974.
Lindsay and the Lo-Los
So Close to a Moment It's Criminal
Yet the powers that bleed (and if you know what that means, please explain it in a comment below because i’m as lost as virginity at a frat kegger in Cancun) did not want her to suffer the punishment of being grounded any longer. Another point in 190 proof is that she set off her alcohol alarms all over the place with her ankle jewelry ballin’ chain and the judge tried to throw the book at her but she was so damn squirmy that she wrangled out of that hold and ran for the freedom line.
So, let’s have a Lindsay Lohan is Free and Cheap Party. Here are the tunes…
…and i’ve got just the drink.
When You’re Rich Enough to Drink the Very Best…
drink it, and not this shit. Luxor, so tacky it’s named after a Vegas hotel, decided to add another bling to “bling bling” and came out with Bling Bling Bling Champagne.
Which looks something like this.
Is That Dirt?
Guess what. It’s not dirt. Look again…
No, it’s not dust… Once more.
Yes! 24 karat gold flakes you can drink, but don’t worry, it still tastes like shit. At least it’s overpriced, only $253 a pop. Emphasis on “Pop”.
Just when you thought you couldn’t find a kitscher way to brighten up the trailer.
Bar None Dregs
A drink to sobriety… Let’s hear it for Bats, my dear friend over at The She Chronicles, who just celebrated 2 years without a drink. Well, she had stuff to drink, it’s not like she went 2 years without any liquid whatsoever or else i’d have bumped this part up a little bit on the page. Still, 2 years without alcohol, 2 fucking years, is an incredible feat and i want to congratulate her for hanging in there and thank her for her support of me and the Bar None.
Next up, i just hit 6 months sober last Monday. i won’t babble on too much about this, i’d just like to say that AA has been an amazing experience and i’m grateful for all the support i’ve gotten in the rooms and from y’all here in this room. To congratulate myself, you may have noticed i changed the header from “Diary-a of a Chronicle Drinker” to “The Bar None–High and Dry”. You know, because i’m dry and still acting like i’m high.