Booze Revooze: THE HOBBIT: An Unexpected Journey

The Hobbit An Unexpected Journey Poster

From the juiced-box (not so much) and the soundtrack: Neil Finn – Song of the Lonely Mountain (extended version)

[Press ‘Play’ for The Hobbit version of South Park’s Lemmiwinks’ Song]

Can you believe it? The Unexpected Journey started here 2 full days before the US when The Hobbit strolled into Yeaman first. Don’t believe me–believe the random cell phone shots i took.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Ramblings: A Hard Hobbit To Break

Final Proof: 2½ Shots and/or 5 Shots

2 & 1-2 shots

[us poor slobs]

 and / or

5 shots

[for the cool geeks]

 You know how you get drunk with Jacob and Wilhem Grimm, the Grimm Bros.? They start off all serious and dark and sit on the corner of the booth and they don’t say much but then they start pounding that mead and really quickly they start singing off key these songs from their homeland that aren’t as cute as they think they are and then they start talking together super quickly about all their wicked fairy tales but the problem is that it’s all talk. They just sit there babbling about the story and it’s kind of a let down because you feel like they’re giving you spoilers even if they’re the ones that wrote the stories but it’s a hell of a lot better to read the stories than hear these over excited drunks telling you what happened. At the end you kinda wished they’d just shut up and showed you the story because when the tale comes second-hand, you feel used. That’s exactly how The Hobbit makes you feel.

The Hobbit 01 Bar None Booze Revooze

“Hey little boy, you want some candy?”

Just my luck, i wanna hurry up and post this to score a scoop and i find i have to write two reviews. The first one is for us poor slobs who aren’t fans of Tolkien, never read The Hobbit, and prefer the theatrical versions of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy to the snooze-fest of the Director’s Cut (which wasn’t even cut). The second review is for the LotR geeks who could hack into my computer at the drop of a pointy wizard hat at a cosplay convention.

Us Poor Slobs:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was pretty fucking expectable, if you ask me. i’m told by people who tell the difference that The Hobbit is a children’s reader compared to the other books of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy and Peter Jackson came out with a children’s film here. Think Madagascar in Middle Earth. Think Witch King and the Chocolate Factory. The Wizard of Oz-giliath. It’s so simple, it’s kind of annoying, like the way Bilbo talks as though he’s the host of a kiddy program on Sunday mornings.

Super Cool Geeks:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was great. It follows the book closely and Peter Jackson did a marvelous job capturing the joyful innocence that permeates the Tolkien classic.

The Hobbit 02 Bar None Booze Revooze

Cocktail Weenies at the Troll Party

Us Poor Slobs:
And the kiddy movie isn’t even a problem for me, hell, there are some great fucking kiddy movies, but this one is too dialog heavy to take a kid to because all we get is story telling and not story except suddenly 1 or 2 minutes of soft core violence that’s too hard for kids anyway. It seems every character we meet has to relate an anecdote of something that happened to him and i ended up feeling like a guy in the checkout line waiting for the talkative housewife in front of me to stop blabbing to the curious cashier so i could get a move on to something more interesting than the not so super market.

Super Cool Geeks:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey rocked. The adventures of lovable dwarfs and Bilbo Baggins come to life through their words, and as their tales unfold we become enveloped in their lives so that it feels like we are there, sitting beside them, listening to them recount their stories just for us.

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“They cut the power because we didn’t pay our electric bill.”

Us Poor Slobs:
Maybe the problem is i saw this in 2D, but that can’t be it either because the scenery was great and the special effects were amazing. i couldn’t tell where reality ended and the movie began as far as the landscapes, and the Middle Earth cityscapes looked so cool i wanted to visit them for reals. These are beautiful paintings, artistic even, but the problem is we want to see some movement in them. There is the charm of the previous movies here, but not the magic.

Super Cool Geeks:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was brilliant. Peter Jackson creates special effects that lift the genre out of Middle Earth and carry it to heaven. The worst part of the movie is the end because when the credits roll you remember you don’t live in the world you’ve been a part of for the last 2 hours.

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“That’ll sure put some magic in the old wand.”

Us Poor Slobs:
You know how everyone was wondering if Jackson could make 3 movies from 1 kids book, when the LotR was 3 movies from 3 fat books? Well, instead of making one, single great fucking classic genius crowning glory film that people would be talking about for centuries, he’s gonna make 3 ‘meh’ movies.

Super Cool Geeks:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was awesome. We were afraid of setting our expectations too high, when now we realize we could never have set them high enough.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex:0 Shots

The Hobbit 05 Bar None Booze Revooze Sex

Of the 36 main characters listed on the IMDB page, only 1 is a woman.

Cate Blanchett

Cate Blanchett Bar None Booze Revooze The Hobbit Wallpaper

Cate Blanchett Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Though the drawers are pretty empty for this post, i do have some shots of Cate stuffed in them at the bottom down there.

Silken Butterflies

Uncredited in the movie but credited, thank God, on IMDB is the super lovely Renee Cataldo. You wanna know which Goblin she was? The hot one.

Renee Cataldo 01 The Hobbit Bar None Booze Revooze

A Smoke

Drink: 1 Shot

1 shotWith all the not an awful lot of anything going on in The Hobbit, there was also not an awful lot of drinking. The beginning had some drunken dwarfs but if you’ve ever been to Florida for spring break, this won’t be anything you haven’t seen before.

The Hobbit 06 Bar None Booze Revooze drink

  • Drinking [his] wine when the dwarfs crash Bilbo’s place.

Mr Gandalf, a drop of wine as you requested. With a fruity bouquet.

Dwarf handing Gandalf a doll’s tea set cup of red wine

  • Dwarfs chugging and spilling beer and burping

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

You know you’re in trouble when the most exciting part of the movie is the preview for Star Trek Into Darkness that came on before the movie. OK, i’m being overly a dickhead but it’s because i missed out on the LotR movies when they came out and saw them on my tablet and thought the looked really cool and so i was hoping i could make up for it with The Hobbit and i couldn’t.

Yes, there were some action scenes and some of them weren’t too bad but there were too few and they were too predictable. i can’t fault them for being too short but i can fault them for being too far apart.

Oh, there was one funny thing and that was the wizard Radagast who they show getting high to chill out and make a reference to his doing too much ‘shrooms.

The Hobbit 07 Bar None Booze Revooze rock and roll

That’s it for the rock. Not for the music, though. Oh that it were. Prepare your mind for the blowing it’ll get when it witnesses not 1 but 2 musical numbers from the dwarfs and then another one from the fucking goblins. Is there not enough suffering in the world already?

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

J.R.R. Tolkien – (novel “The Hobbit”)
Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson & Guillermo del Toro – (screenplay)

Directed by: Peter Jackson

The Hobbit 08 Bar None Booze Revooze cast


Cate Blanchett – Galadriel
Renee Cataldo – Goblin
Ian McKellen – Gandalf
Martin Freeman – Bilbo
Richard Armitage – Thorin
Hugo Weaving – Elrond
Christopher Lee – Saruman
Andy Serkis – Gollum
Sylvester McCoy – Radagast

Bottom Line

Fans will always be fans and there’s nothing that Jackson can do to disappoint them. He could’ve made fucking Battlefield Middle Earth and everyone would be talking about his genius. Those of us outside the ring, though, will find the movie a little slow, unevenly paced and too soft for adults and too harsh for kids. Fans will think that too, but they won’t admit it.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

You could also check out the fucked up reviews by some guy named Saint Pauly over at WTF: Watch The Film

WTF Banner


Click on the Poster to Read the Review


Click on the Poster to Read the Review

Al K Hall’s Drawers

You can stop reading now. Just some pictures of Cate Blanchett coming up.

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Breaking Dawn 2 Poster Bar None Booze Revooze

From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: Rob Pattinson – It’s All On You

[Press ‘Play’ for something far too genuine for Twilight]

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Here’s the mandatory cell phone shots as proof

Yeppers, the date on the poster is 11/16/12 and here i am posting this on 11/14/12 because we got this in Yeaman on Wednesday. Don’t be hating, rather be thanking me for sacrificing myself by seeing this before you so i can warn you away shouting “Save Yourselves!” while i try to wash the shit from my stinking eyes.

Ramblings: Breaking Down

Final Proof: 1 ½ Shots

1 & 1-2 shot bar none booze revooze

You know how you you get drunk at Applebees? You’re surrounded not by cliche’s but by imitation cliches printed up in some factory in Boonies, Iowa and the beer tastes like beer but the buzz doesn’t feel like drunk rather like whatever the opposite of motion sickness is like stagnation sickness or demotion sickness because Applebees doesn’t go anywhere and makes you feel lower than when you started like fake snow just sitting at the bottom of a cheap plastic snow globe waiting for something to shake it up and make things happen but you can keep waiting because the waitresses keep changing and you can’t find any consistency beyond the sissy mocktails that keep appearing in front of you refusing to get you off like the hostess in her fake uniform standing not like a clone but like a robot of a clone. In the end the drama is as hollow as the cheap snow globe and the love is as sincere as the smile of an aging waitress stuck in the middle of her second shift. That’s what Twilight Breaking Dawn (Part 2) reeks of.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

“You just marked your territory on my leg, asshole.”

To be fair, i knew i wasn’t gonna like Twilight: BD 2 even before i went. To be super fair, i hated it even worse than i thought i ever could and to be super fucking fair they didn’t have to make it so goddamn easy to hate it.

Seriously, they didn’t even try to live up to the previous episodes. i felt like i was humping a prostitute whose makeup was rapidly disintegrating and she’d stopped caring long before i did and she already had my money so she wasn’t even going to pretend to try, just lie there and wait for it all to end. Which reminds me of the ending to this movie and i’m not going to give away any spoilers here but What The Hell, people? i don’t know if the ending of the book is the same of the movie but oh my god, if the book ended the same way i don’t get why teens all over the nation didn’t band together and burn Stephanie Meyer at the stake with a bonfire built of the last pages of this flaming shit.

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A Better End

Was it really so bad? No, of course not…it was way fucking worse than that. Take the special effects. The effects were ‘special’ all right, short bus, safety leash, drool cup special. Who knew you could do CGI with a kindergarten pencil? You know what they CGIed here, because i’m gonna tell you right now. They CGIed the fucking baby and made it look like a monkey in a dress with Steve Buscemi’s face.

What else was bad? i can’t say the acting was bad—because there wasn’t any acting. It was just a bunch of interchangeable people standing around looking at each other and pouting. There was already no content to the story so they took this concept about as rich as decaf airplane tea and watered it down to make it last 2 hours. i’d like to say the script was bad, so i will. The script was fucking horrible with jokes that fell flat, inconsistencies and what the fucks aplenty, and characters who appear and disappear for no reason.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 03 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

“That’s right, Renesmee, slap mommy again. She was a bad mommy who did the nasty with the bad director.”

Here’s what i hope. i hope at least one person reading this is offended and pissed off and leaves a comment full of venom and vitriol [it must me a word, spell check didn’t flag it] defending this movie because i would love to see what anyone can see in this movie. Please, i’m begging you here people, one fucking redeemable quality, that’s all i ask.

Speaking of redeemable qualities, Dakota Fanning is now officially 18 but i think some of the shots floating to the bottom of the barrel online are still of her underage so i prefer to card her here and i’ll make more of an effort to find sexy pics for next time. Nothing age inappropriate going on in the Bar None.

Dakota Fanning 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Sure, the women here are very attractive and they stay that way until their pert little lips slowly part and the insipid comments and flat voices fall out of their mouths like a dead tongue wanting to be french kissed.

We might as well start off with Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan dive) who shows some of her bare back and kind of rapes Rob Pattinson with her super human vampire strength in a scene that probably isn’t too far from reality and goes a long way towards explaining why Rupert Sanders ended up her huntsman. Here’s some happy hunting, to be sure. Let us prey.

Kristen Stewart 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Kristen Stewart Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

i got more single shots of Kristen in my drawers, down at the bottom. All you gotta do is click on the “Read More” link at the end of the review to open up that can of worm.

The coolest actress in this one by far was Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen) who is one sexy badass. Unfortunately, she’s absent for most of the movie and when you see the whole movie you understand why her character chose to flee at the beginning. Here’s what you missed.

Ashley Greene 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Ashley Greene Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There are single shots of her in my drawers as well, at the end of the review.

Speaking of underused as a tampon in a Vampire’s bathroom, the ultimate Maggie Grace soaked up the screen while she filled it, but was discarded far to quickly and easily for my taste. Here’s something more lingering for you to savor.

Maggie Grace 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Maggie Grace Bar None Booze Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

More shots of her in my drawers as well. What can i say, i have busy drawers tonight.

Silken Butterflies

There were several ladies who lit up the screen and my only complaint about them is that they weren’t up there more than they were.

For example, there was Casey LaBow as Kate.

Casey LaBow 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Angela Sarafyan as Tia:

Angela Sarafyan 01 in the Bar None Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Angela Sarafyan 01 in the Bar None

And the stunning Christie Burke as “Renesmee (Young Woman)”

Christie Burke 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

For those of you more into the pricks than the sucking, Jacob (Taylor Lautner) hooks up with Renesmee which is weird enough when you think he spends half his life as a where wolf, but what’s even worse is that he “imprints” on her when she’s just born. Wow. i’m pretty sure imprinting on chicks without consent is against the law in every state except Alaska because they grow ’em different up there but jesus, imprinting on a minor? On a baby minor?!

Taylor Lautner 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Are you understanding me, people? In this story, a giant dog falls in love with a newborn. Can you wrap your head around this? It’s fucking pedo-bestaility and this movie is rated PG-13? Where i come from this a special kind of sick and the only kind of punishment cruel and unusual enough for that shit is to make the guilty partiers watch Twilight Breaking Down (Part 2) in a loop.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 04 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

“Please stop imprinting on me Uncle Jacob. It’s creepy and leaves stains on my dress.”

To punish Taylor, i’m posting a wallpaper of him with not just a shirt on, but a whole suit. You know what Taylor Lautner can do to a suit? Make it look pretty fucking ridiculous.

Taylor Lautner Suit Up Taylor Lautner 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Taylor Lautner Suit Up Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Last on my least is Robert Pattinson who i feel for. Really. OK, so he can’t act, no one else in this movie can anyway. More importantly, he’s young and handsome and his hot girlfriend cheated on him in front of the whole world. It’s bad enough to be humiliated but to be humiliated on a global level…for your shame to go viral, man, that’s a new brand of suck for you to deal with. Plus, he’s so confused he even took her back which just means it’s going to happen again. Trust me. i know. It. Will. Happen. Again. Poor bastard. And he’s such a talented mother fucker as well and if you don’t believe me just go up and listen to the song i posted at the beginning of this post that you didn’t listen to when you had the chance and you should’ve. Poor bastard.

Robert Pattinson 01 Musician Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Robert Pattinson Musician Bar None Wallpaper

Robert Pattinson Musician Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i got some drunk shots of him floating in my drawers, as well.

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

  • J Jenks drinks whiskey in a Seattle restaurant
  • Dad drinks beer while opening presents

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

i almost could’ve gone ½ shot on this but the fight scene at the end was the least boring scene and then they even rip that out from under you.

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“I can beat you with one hand stuck up my ass.”

Here’s how Rock and Roll this movie was. Bella’s first kill as a vampire: She renounces a human kill for a deer—already very tame—but then she attacks a cougar that is jumping to attack the deer. Yes. The only time we see her feed in the whole movie is when she’s saving a deer’s life.

The least bad song of the movie is “The Forgotten” by Green Day.

There was also a nice song i can’t find a good copy of online called “All I’ve Ever Needed” by Paul McDonald and Nikki Reed (who also plays Rosalie Hale in the film).

Boring Technical Crap

Twilight Book Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze RevoozeWritten by:

Stephenie Meyer(novel Breaking Dawn)
Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay)

Directed by: Bill Condon


Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan
Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen
Maggie Grace – Irina
Dakota Fanning – Jane
Andrea Powell – Sasha
Casey LaBow – Kate
Angela Sarafyan – Tia
Christie Burke – Renesmee (Young Woman)
Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen
Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black

Bottom Line

Never. Don’t you ever. Don’t you dare.

Breaking Dawn 1 Poster Bar None Booze Revooze

Click to Read My Slaughter of Breaking Dawn Part 1

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Put a stake through the heart of this post ’cause it’s dead and gone. All that’s left is the pretty pictures of the actors and actresses. Click on the “Continue Reading” link to see what that’s like.

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Paranormal Activity 4 poster Bar None Booze Revooze

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Rob Zombie – Dragula

[Press ‘Play’ for a song they dance in the dark to]

Paranormal 4 Bar None Nooze Revooze 01

I Got A Rise Out Of Her

Ramblings: Paranormal Re-Activity

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk and possessed by beer farts? You start in on the spirits and you already know what’s going to happen even before you begin but sure enough after the first glass you feel the tension terrify your ass and it stresses you out a little bit but the beer is good and your having such a good time you don’t want to stop so you keep adding liquid fuel to the gas and when the bubble finally bursts at least  its not a piece of shit plus the wind makes you jump and some moments are bigger than others and some really freak you out but in the end of your end it’s “no shart, no foul” and you walk shakily away just happy it didn’t stink. Paranormal Activity 4 is a lot like that flatulence.

Paranormal 4 Bar None Nooze Revooze 02

“Would you close the door? You’re letting all the demons in.”

i heard what you were saying about this movie before i went and i didn’t listen but believed you anyway so i really expected not a whole hell of a lot. Now, i’m not saying y’all were wrong but i am saying you weren’t right. OK, just uttering the words “Paranormal Activity 4” is enough to make a toddler laugh but the fact it’s lost its cool factor doesn’t mean it’s not cool.

What do i know about it? What do i know about it? Are you forgetting i’m the guy who’s reviewed Paranormal Activity 1, Paranormal Activity 2 and Paranormal Activity 3? (What can i say– i needed counting practice.) Basically, they get better as they go along and i mean the movies, not my reviews which kick it from the start and never let up.

PA3 was the scariest of the series but instead of going one better, Paranormal 4 gasps and dies a little.

Paranormal 4 Bar None Nooze Revooze 03

Disco is Back from the Dead

For those of you who want to see the movie but don’t remember what happened in the other Paranormals, here’s a cheat sheet for your lazy asses:

Paranormal Activity 1: (October 2006) Micah and Katie are harassed by a demon and record it on a digital camera.
Paranormal Activity 2: (Prequel: September 2006) Kristi (Katie’s younger sister), her husband and her hot step daughter are bugged by the same demon and record it on digital home security cameras.
Paranormal Activity 3: (Pre-prequel: 1998) Kristi and Katie are little girls and are stalked by a demon and their stepdad records it on videocassette camera.
Paranormal Activity 4: (Sequel: November 2011) A blonde teen is tormented by an evil Ben with hormones, but also an evil spirit and the neighbor kid from across the street. Her adventures are mostly recorded on webcams and an Xbox.

You probably want to know what doesn’t work here and i get that so i’ll tell you, but it’s mostly minor things. Like at the beginning, Alex (Kathryn Newton) films stupid things that no one would ever film in real life but it just happens to be what we need to see to understand what the fuck the movie is about. Once she sets up webcams to figure out what the fuck is happening in her house, it gets a little more logicaller.

Paranormal 4 Bar None Nooze Revooze 04

Bieber Demon

The bottom line is that the movie was good enough to “scare” me. i mean, i wasn’t huddled down under the seat but i was definitely tense and sure, most of the frights came from “got you” moments when things jump at the screen and most of the suspense was knowing things were going to jump out at you and you had to wait for it, but there were some genuine moments of creepy eeriness and those made the movie worthwhile.

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“Mom, Kathryn is connecting Wyatt’s dots again!”

Kathryn Newton carried the movie well on her delicate shoulders and there were only a couple scenes where she had “actor in training” tattooed on her forehead. While we’re on that, i have to card Kathryn here because she’s only 15. [Meaning i won’t put pictures of her with the seductive shots of the other actresses and I won’t use any shots that are not obviously promotional shots from her team–nothing age inappropriate inside the Bar None, peeps.]

Kathryn Newton 2012-11-02 Booze Revooze Paranormal Activity Bar None Wallpaper

Kathryn Newton Bar None Wallpaper – Click On The Shot For A Wallpaper

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Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

Katie Featherston is amazing because she gets thinner and younger with each movie. It doesn’t make any sense in the story, but there’s definitely something out of this world playing with that girl and i’m thinking it’s because she sold her soul to the devil. Just sayin’. Here’s what i’m on about.

Katie Featherston 2012-11-02 Paranormal Activity Bar None Booze Revooze Collage Wallpaper

Katie Featherston Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There are some single shots of Katie filling my drawers at the bottom of this post. Scroll down until you hit the “Read More” link.

Playing Paranormal’s MILF (Mother I’d Like To Frighten) is Alexondra Lee who goes something like this:

Alexondra Lee Paranormal 4 Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Alexondra Lee Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

IMDB lists Sprague Grayden (Katie’s sister Kristi) as being in the movie but i didn’t know that she didn’t film any nude new scenes for Paranormal 4 until i saw the film because they only used footage from Paranormal 2. Fortunately for you, i’d already downloaded all the shots so you get some Sprague shots in your face whether you want it or not.

Sprague Grayden 2012-11-02 Paranormal 4 Collage Bar None Boze Revooze Wallpaper

Sprague Grayden Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Whatever, “Sprague” is still the coolest girl’s name ever and i’d so love to live naked with her for no other reason (except one or two) that we could have exchanges where i’d be all,

“Hey, Sprage-un.”

And she’d be all, “Dude…think of more cool nicknames for me.”

So i’d think for a minute and then i’d yell out,


Ahh, the good ol’ days we haven’t had yet. Check my drawers for more spare Sprague shots.

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Here’s the Flashback with Katie and Sprague

For those of you who are more into Incubus than Succubus, there’s the DILF (Dad i’d Like to Freak) Stephen Dunham.

Stephen Dunham 01 Paranormal Activity 4 Bar None Booze Revooze

Stephen Dunham

Stephen Dunham 02 Paranormal Activity 4 Bar None Booze Revooze

Stephen Dunham

Let’s talk about the spark between Ben and Alex (Kathryn Newton, who is too young to be talked about here but apparently her character isn’t). While it’s mentioned she’s still a virgin, her Ben Pal is definitely interested in piercing that mystery. Problem is, in real life Kathryn is only 15 and Matt Shively (Ben) is 22. Has he not heard of ½ your Age + 7? [On another age related note, Katie Featherston plays Sprague Grayden’s older sister in the series, but IRL Katie is 2 years younger than her “younger sister”.]

Matt Shively Paranormal 4 Bar None Booze Revooze Collage Wallpaper

Matt Shively Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Here’s a bonus of this Frog Prince.

Matt Shively 01 Paranormal Activity Bar None Booze Revooze

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

Nothing much to write home about, or here either for that matter. There were a couple references i jotted down in my notebook, though.

  • Dad drinks beer in front of the TV. Uses a glass.
  • Mom drinks wine. Uses a glass, too.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

Yeah, i’ll go all the way up to 3 shots on this. The movie starts off a little slow but then kicks in and that’s gotta be worth something, as does the fact they included Rob Zombie’s “Dragula” (as did i at the top of this post) so all in all i feel good about rounding up to 3 shots on this.

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“If he doesn’t come home soon, I’ll kill him. Course I’ll kill him if he does come home soon, too.”

Boring Technical Crap

Paranormal 4 Bar None Nooze Revooze 07 Kathryn Newton

Written by:

Chad Feehan – story
Christopher Landon – screenplay

Directed by: Henry Joost, Ariel Schulman


Katie Featherston – Katie
Kathryn Newton – Alex
Sprague Grayden – Kristi
Alexondra Lee – Holly
Matt Shively – Ben
Stephen Dunham – Doug

Bottom Line

If it’s between Paranormal Activity 4 and a bad movie, choose this one.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

The review is over, now it’s on to the view. Click the “Read more…” link to see the stars.

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Booze Revooze: SKYFALL

Skyfall Poster Bar None Booze Revooze

See the date in the poster? November 9? Now look at the date i posted this review: October 27. Looks like i got the Sky-drop on y’all, thanks to living in Yeaman.

To prove i was actually there, here are the screen shots i took on my phone as proof.

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Skyfall Screen Shot

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Skyfall Screen Shot

Yes, i do realize they’re not pretty, but then the truth rarely is.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Adele – Skyfall

[Press ‘Play’ for a waste of a beautiful voice]

Ramblings: James Bondo

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk at Hard Rock Cafes? They got them all over the place and you feel the need to get drunk at every fucking one of them just because they’re there and once you start the tradition you can’t stop yourself because you’re an OCD mother fucker and you’re not exactly sure what would happen if you broke the chain but it would be very very bad so whatever city you visit you find the Hard Rock and each one’s got different memorabilia but you get drunk on the same overpriced beer and the waitresses all have different name tags but the same laminated smiles and big hair and even if every Hard Rock has a different theme it’s still like the McDonalds of hip dining. The restaurants may be in different cities but each binge happens exactly the same from the gals you drink with to the stories you tell and the big finish in the bathroom where your guts explode as they convert bar-food into barf-food. Tell you what, those Hard Rock Cafes are a lot like the James Bond chain male.

Skyfall 01 Bar None Booze Revooze

Very Public Restroom

What do you want me to say? Every Bond movie is a photocopy of Dr. No and with each successive remake, the story gets staler and the copy gets paler. They even tried introducing what intellectuals call a “theme” into this one but who wants to hear about the role of aging spies in the modern world? Seriously, i was yawning so much i almost didn’t see the card at the end that said James Bond would return which i promptly proceeded to interpret as a threat.

As for the film, the scenes were nice and the actors were good and the special effects were good enough you didn’t notice them but there was an alarming lack of action. The movie begins with a bang and a cool chase scene but then Sam Mendes gives up and just paints a pretty picture but do you know how much action there is in a portrait? None, just like Skyfall.

Skyfall 02 Bar None Booze Revooze

“I’m going to eat the whole WOOORRRLLLLLDDDD!!!!!”

Does Skyfall really deserve 2½ stars? Yes, because for all the talent and money that got thrown into this movie, what comes out the other end is just recycled marketing shit that stinks.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Skyfall sex 01 Bar None Booze Revooze

Beautiful Women in a PG-13 world and just how sad is that? They got this beauty going on all over the place and then they keep hiding it from us.

Like Bérénice Marlohe… This hot French chick and they got her more covered up than a fat guy’s bed in an arctic winter. There’s a sex scene with her and Bond-ing in the shower where her lovely assets (and the rest of her, too) are clouded over by an opaque shower door. Good thing you came here because i got the very goods.

Bérénice Marlohe 2012-10-26 Skyfall Collage bar none booze revooze

Bérénice Marlohe Skyfall Wallpaper in the Bar None – Click on the Shot for Full Size

There’s a lot of single shots of her in my drawers. Scroll down to the bottom of the page and click on the link that says “Read More”…

There’s also some sex innuendo (and where else would you put it?) between Eva (Naomie Harris) and Bond but there’s nothing up on the screen. Not like on your screens, anyway.

Naomie Harris 2012-10-25 Skyfall Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze

Naomie Harris Wallpaper in the Bar None – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

i also got a couple photos of her filling my drawers at the bottom of this post.

Silken Butterflies

Coming (again and again) in as “Bond’s Lover” is the loverly 25-year-old Greek babe, Tonia Sotiropoulou.

Tonia Sotiropoulou Silken Butterfly Bar None Booze Revooze

Here’s some of that Bar None wallpaper action for you.

Tonia Sotiropoulou 2012-10-26 Skyfall Wallpaper in the Bar None Booze Revooze

Tonia Sotiropoulou Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

And there are even hotter pics of her poking out of my drawers down there…

For those of you who are more into Guyfalls than Thighfalls, Daniel Craig does not show his penis in this movie.

Daniel Craig 01 Skyfall Bar None Booze Revooze

i got this whole funny series of Daniel Craig pics in my drawers that you should check out.

Fans of Javier Bardem (who acts better than his hair) will be…surprised. Already his blonde locks look nearly as bad as Claire’s wig in Season 6 of Lost (yes, it’s obscure, get over it) but the best scene in the whole movie shows Silva (Javier Bardem) flirting with James Bond who is tied to a chair.

Skyfall sex 02 Bar None Booze Revooze

“You’ve got the cutest little chest hair… May I?”

As Silva is caressing Bond’s chest, he tells James something along the lines of “Your training hasn’t prepared you for this. You’re confused because it’s your first time,” to which James Bond retorts,

What makes you think it’s my first time?


Here’s Javier’s first time…

Javier Bardem 01 Bar None Booze Revooze

A Smoke

Drink: 3 Shots

Skyfall drinking 01 Bar None Booze Revooze

“I want you to shake it, not stir it.”

There was such a vast quantity of drinks that i have to give it at least 3 stars, even if the drinking wasn’t key to the plot. On the downside was all the product placement for Macallans and Heineken.

That said, remember that one rumor i promulgated (like you know what it means, either) about how Bond was going to saddle up to the bar and request a Heineken rather than a martini? Yeah, that didn’t happen, although he did tap a Heinie or two like in that still of him with Tonia Sotiropoulou in the Silken Butterfly section above.

Here’s the blow by blow:

  • PM’s assistant [Ralph Fiennes as Gareth Mallory] pours M [Dame Judy Dench] cognac in his office [i think it was Courvoisier]
  • Beer in bed with [Tonia] in Exotic land
  • In a bar, shots of whiskey with scorpion on his wrist, catches it with overturned empty glass
  • Empty bar, day after, whiskey at sunrise
  • Bond drinks whiskey waiting in M’s house

Run out of drink where you were?

M to Bond when he returns

  • H[eineken] in a bar fridge highlighted
  • After picking up 4 million at casino, girl says “Now you can afford to buy me a drink”. [Bond replies,] “I may stretch it to two.”
  • At bar he gets a shaken martini in a chilled glass he calls perfect
  • Drops earbud mic in Harris’s champagne glass
  • Iced champagne on the boat

Skyfall drinking 02 Bar None Booze Revooze

  • 50 year old Macallan, [Silva tells James it’s,] “A favorite of yours.”

A toast to the women we love.

Silva drinks to a bound and gagged Sévérine (Bérénice Marlohe)

  • William Tell with a shot glass on Bérénice[‘s head]
Skyfall Over Bar None Booze Revooze

Skyfall Over Drinking Game, a Bar None Exclusive

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

1 shot and it was all the opening scene. After that there was either no action at all or the kind of action you could get at home watching CSI: Miami. i was sorely disappointed in this, i gotta tell you.

There was some 50’s rock song blasted from the helicopter blasting Skyfall (the name of the Bond family estate) but IMDB doesn’t have it listed yet and i left the movies before the credits because my son was impatient.

Skyfall Rock 01 Bar None Booze Revooze

69 Caliber

Boring Technical Crap

Skyfall 03 Bar None Booze Revooze

“We’re going to sail around the globes.”

Written by:

Neal Purvis, Robert Wade & John Logan
Ian Fleming (characters)

Directed by: Sam Mendes


Judi Dench – M
Naomie Harris – Eve
Bérénice Marlohe – Sévérine
Tonia Sotiropoulou – Bond’s Lover
Daniel Craig – James Bond
Javier Bardem – Silva
Ralph Fiennes – Gareth Mallory

Bottom Line

Swear to god, James Bond is a zombie because he just keeps coming back, will not die and his movies usually bite.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Poster Bar None Booze Revooze

This is the post with Daniel Craig’s penis, if you want to click on it

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more words, what follows is cheesecake for dessert. i start off with the guys and then hit the girls.

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Booze Revooze: TAKEN 2

Taken 2 00 Poster Bar None Booze Revooze

Taken A Dump

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Alex Clare – Too close

[Press ‘Play’ for traditional credit rolling music crap]

Taken 2 01 Pinching a loaf Bar None Booze Revooze

Still Taken A Dump

Ramblings: Taken For A Ride

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk with your girlfriend’s mother? She’s not as fresh or sexy as your girlfriend but she’s still pretty hot and exciting even if she just sips wine spritzers while your girlfriend does tequila eye shots with vodka tampons stuffed up her ass and while her mother samples glasses in wine bars your girlfriend drinks Captain Morgan’s from the bottle in back alleys and gas station bathrooms and while her mother stops drinking after three drinks (only one if she’s driving) your girlfriend only stops when she can no longer lift her arm to her mouth. Their looks are the basically same though, and their laugh is the same and their jokes are the same it’s just that your girlfriend is edgier, darker and a little more sinister. Taken 2 is exactly like your girlfriend’s mother that way.

Taken 2 02 Bird on a Ledge Bar None Booze Revooze

Bird On A Ledge

Everybody kept talking about how great Taken was until i saw it and i don’t know if it was back when i was still drinking or not, but it’s the kind of movie i feel like i watched one afternoon while drunk and still drinking or hungover and still puking.

Which has fuck all to do with Taken 2 so i should probably talk a little about that here. Lazy people are going to tell yo if you liked Taken you’ll like Taken 2 and just because people are lazy doesn’t mean they can’t be right, which they are in this case. Because basically the story is the same as the first one except here the mom and dad get kidnapped instead of the girl, and so the movie is basically the same, which is actually a good thing because sometimes you think you’re going to see a good action movie and it turns out to be The Expendables.

Taken 2 03 This sounds crazy but i will kill you Bar None Booze Revooze

“Hi, this sounds crazy, but I will find and kill you, maybe.”

Everything was normal and just as it should be with the actors doing their acting and the director doing the directing and the Key Grip doing the…you get the idea. The music was in the right key and the locations were the right amount of exotic so the whole movie felt like a coloring book that was colored extremely well where all the the colors were what they were supposed to be and stayed within the lines.

Taken 2 04 Apple Maps Bar None Booze Revooze

“Sorry, Dad, all I’ve got is Apple Maps.”

But the thing that left me wanting wasn’t (just) Maggie Grace, it was that the movie didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. Sure, it’s a good thing and no, i’m not going to watch Irreversible or whatever the fuck that French movie with the 6 hour rape scene is just to feel sick, but Jesus, when you left Taken you were shaken. Leaving Taken 2 we’re not even the slightest bit stirred.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Taken 2 Sex 01 Bar None Booze Revooze

Sex: 2 Shots

i was pleasantly surprised to find Maggie Grace (29) in this. i guess she was the female lead in the first one as well but that was before she played the hottest Lost girl and i don’t remember her through my hangover buzz in Taken 1 like i already said plus in that one i thought she deserved to get kidnapped by white slave traders because she let herself get picked up by a hot foreign guy in the airport fresh off the plane and go back to his place and i was mad because i never meet girls who are that kind of stupid. Or that kind of hot, and here’s what i mean by that.

Maggie Grace 2012-10-15 Wallpaper Taken 2 Bar None Booze Revooze

Maggie Grace Bar None Wallpaper – Click On The Shot for a Wallpaper

i got some more shots of her in my drawers, down below. Keep scrolling down until you get to the wet spot.

Also in Taken 2 is the gorgeous Famke Janssen (47) who is X-Woman Jean Grey whose secret power is that she never ages because she’s as sexy here as she was in any of the X-Men movies. Just how much of an X-Woman is Famke? This much…

Famke Janssen 2012-10-15 Collage Taken 2 Bar None Booze Revooze

Famke Janssen Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There are drawer shots of Famke as well. Just click on the “Continue Reading” link at the bottom of the post.

For those of you more interested in Taken From Behind than Taken Up Front, Liam Neeson (60) was in this and looking better than he has in a long time.

Liam Neeson Bar None Collage wallpaper

Liam Neeson Bar None Collage – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

So why only two shots? Maggie Grace wears a bikini for the first half of the film but she’s always covering it up. If you come to this movie to see skin, you’ll be Taken a Bath rather than a cold shower. Here’s the blow-by-blow:

  • Liam looking young
  • Maggie Grace making out with BF Jaimie
  • MG [Maggie Grace] in tight jeans
  • MG in a “bikini”

Taken 2 sex 02 Bar None Booze Revooze

There’s a real bikini shot of her from Lost in my drawers, down there…

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

Surprisingly little booze for a film directed by a Frenchie… The only concession he makes to his homeland is that, during a barbecue, people drink wine instead of beer. Oh, and Famke pours Liam a glass of wine when she breaks the news to him that their daughter has a boyfriend.

Taken 2 Drink Bar None Booze Revooze

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 2 ½ Shots

The problem isn’t the amount of action in Taken 2, there was tons, it was just filmed really really badly. It was one of those movies where the fight scenes are jumpy like they were filmed by a crack addict with DTs and so you never get to see what’s happening. Directors do this when they know the fighting looks sucky so they figure if you can’t see it clearly, you’ll assume it was great. Yeah, that ain’t gonna happen.

Oh yeah, the other really annoying thing was how the bad guys chase Neeson through the streets for hours, shooting at him and missing, of course, but when they finally catch up to him, hey don’t have guns they have sticks. WTF, as my mo foe Saint Pauly would say.

As for the music…two of the technelectro songs were lifted from Drive, if that tells you anything, and the closest we get to what Beliebers call “rock” is the song i posted up top.

Taken 2 Rock and Roll Bar None Booze Revooze

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Luc Besson, Robert Mark Kamen

Directed by: Olivier Megaton


Maggie Grace – Kim
Famke Janssen – Lenore
Liam Neeson – Bryan Mills

Bottom Line

i bet you’ll be Taken with it.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

It’s all over but the showin’. From here on out it’s just pictures of Grace and Famke.

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Booze Revooze: THE AVENGERS

The Avengers poster

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Soundgarden – Live to Rise

[Press ‘Play’ for the coolest thing you will hear all day.]

Ramblings: Why Chromosomes

Final Proof: 3 ½ Shots

 You know how you get drunk in a bouncy castle? Sure, the idea looks good on paper because you’re combining two of your favorite things, drinking and bouncing, and there’s lots of action and lots of fun and you laugh a lot and get your kicks and sure, there are some moments when you get a little tired but your friends are super even if their jokes are often lame but the biggest advantage and the biggest weakness is the exact same thing: drinking in a bouncy castle means you can’t break anything, hurt yourself or take any risks and it’s nice to know you’re safe but sometimes it’s better to leave the safety zone and take some chances and get into the shit. So you have sweet and innocent fun time and you’d do it again in a heartbeat unless something else more better, more intellectualer comes along. That’s what seeing The Avengers was like.

The Avengers Movie Still

The Avengers is The King’s Speech of action movies. It’s very well made and technically perfect with all of the boxes of “good movie” checked, like beautiful actors and good action and quips and zingers and extra special effects and good guys that are 100% good and bad guys that are 100% bad and the good guy wins and the bad guy loses and they all live happily ever after. It’s like guys’ gymnastics where they have that one routine when everyone has to do the same one. The Avengers is like that: perfectly executed and routine.

The Avengers Movie Still

“Yeah, this does not look gay in every way.”

But sometimes you want popcorn and not corny pop and hard rock not pop rocks and whiskey not wine coolers and quicksand not Disney Land and a lap dance not romance. At those times you’ll be glad for The Dark Knight–but not The Avengers.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

The Avengers Used Scarlett Johansson and Jeremy Renner Sex intro

“Wanna feel the prick of my arrow?”

Thank god they could find one super heroine in the men’s club, because this really is a men’s club, didn’t you see what i wrote up there about guys’ gymnastics? Who watches guys’ gymnastics anyway? Men who don’t think Scarlett Johansson is hot, that’s who.

The Avengers - Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson  2012-04-30 Collage Wallpaper

Scarlett Johansson – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper

Plus there’s some unbelievable shots of her stuck to the bottom of my drawers, at the end of this review. Scroll down until you get to the “Continue Reading” link and click away.

You know who else i was happy to see here and it’s not Robert Downey Jr even though i was happy to see him too? Cobie Smothers or whatever her name is from How I Met Your Mother. She was already very cute in that show even if i didn’t recognize her here for a minute or two in her military uniform. Let’s just say she looks better out of it.

The Avengers Still - Cobie Smulder

Cobie Smulders Wallpaper Collage

Cobie Smulders Wallpaper – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper

Not to mention the shots of her in my drawers, after the “Continue Reading” link down there.

Don’t forget Gwyneth Paltrow, who’s back once again as Peter Stark’s love assistant. And what a back and ass-instance she was. There was this one scene with her in denim short shorts and, like Gwyneth or not, you’ll like her. Like this.

Gwyneth Paltrow Wallpaper Collage

Gwyneth Paltrow Wallpaper – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper

Yes, more pixxx of her in my drawers, after the “Continue Reading” link at the bottom of this page.

Silken Butterflies

The good news is that the magnificent Ashley Johnson had a brief appearance in The Avengers as “Waitress”. The bad news is that it was brief. Still, from the way she looked at Captain America, i have the impression we’ll be seeing more of her in the sequel.

Ashley Johnson

For those of you more hooked on heroes than heroines…

Celeste E Hall giggled the whole walk home from this movie, confused like a deli patron unable to decide which hero was the hottest. To give her a hand, i thought i’d do a little poll dance. Vote below for the hero who carried you away the farthest.

If you need to examine these speci-men more closely, the full shots are after the “Continue Reading” link at the bottom of this post.

A Smoke

Scarlett Johansson In The Bar None

Scarlett Johansson In The Bar None

Drink: 0 Shots

What can i say, i got nothin’. The only notes i scrawled were:

  • Stark offers Loki a drink. “Sure you don’t want one? I’m having one.” Whiskey from a snifter.
  • [Later] Captured Loki says, “About that drink…”
The Avengers movie still

Me So Horny

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 ½ Shots

On a scale of Bright Star to the first Matrix, The Avengers holds its own (as i sometimes do, but with my left hand so i can pretend it’s someone else’s). Lots of action and only enough talk to knock it down 1/2 a shot. The special effects were solid and there was even some real rock and roll, beginning with the Soundgarden that kicked off this shit and including this old but still kicking AC/DC classic.

The Avengers Movie Still

“Shit, I think I have this backwards.”

One interesting disappointment was the fights. Remember how you were a kid and talking to some buds while smoking some other ones, and you were all like, “Who do you think would win if [insert super hero] got in a fight with [insert different super hero]?” We now know the answer will usually be “It’d be a tie.” Especially if one of the combatants is Thor.

Based on these battles:

  • Thor v. The Hulk
  • Thor v. Iron Man
  • Thor v. Captain America
  • Thor v. Loki
  • The Hulk v. Black Widow

The Avengers movie still

There were two cards that weren’t undecided:

  • Black Widow v. Hawkeye (Black Widow by TKO)
  • The Hulk v. Loki (The Hulk in a first round knock out)

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Stan Lee & Jack Kirby (comic book)
Joss Whedon (screenplay)
Zak Penn & Joss Whedon (story)

Directed by: Joss Whedon

The Avengers Image


Scarlett Johansson – Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow
Cobie Smulders – Agent Maria Hill
Gwyneth Paltrow – Pepper Potts
Ashley Johnson – Waitress
Robert Downey Jr. – Tony Stark / Iron Man
Samuel L. Jackson – Nick Fury
Chris Evans – Steve Rogers / Captain America
Mark Ruffalo – Bruce Banner / The Hulk
Chris Hemsworth – Thor
Jeremy Renner – Clint Barton / Hawkeye
Tom Hiddleston – Loki
Clark Gregg – Agent Phil Coulson

Bottom Line

Definitely you should see this. If only because it’s the number one selling movie of all time. And you should see it on the biggest screen you can find. You know what they say, “Go big or go home (and watch it there).”

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Click on the link for the drawer shots…

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[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Hans Zimmer – Underground Army (The Dark Knight Rises OST)

[Press ‘Play’ for the best part of the movie]

Dark Knight Rises 02 still movie review Christian Bale

Ramblings: Knight Mare

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk on TV? It’s not the same as a movie drunk because a movie drunk is serious and what happens happens for real and stays happened and the blood flows redder and the people die deader and there are consequences and repercussions and when you laugh you laugh louder and the whiskey tastes gritty and when you survive the night you have stories to tell the children you made that night because it was a movie night. Getting TV drunk, though, doesn’t mean as much and it’s basically a lite beer buzz and lots of peeing and standing up when you want to sit and looking for conversation and the only stories you’ll tell of that night are how you went to bed early and it was nice because when you woke up you didn’t have a hangover. The Dark Knight Rises was that made-for-TV, tonight’s extra special episode of “Batman” movie.

Dark Knight Rises 023 still movie review Christian Bale

The problem with The Dark Knight Rises was The Dark Knight. The Dark Knight Rises is a passable action movie while The Dark Knight was the shit, the whole shit and nothing but the shit. i know this because i feel like reviewing The Dark Knight, like that first scene when the glass shards explode from the window with a dull thud and how from the moment they showed the profile of the man on the street corner holding a tattered clown’s mask you knew the movie was going to grab you by the pubes, rip them out and then make you floss your own teeth with them. The Dark Knight was like three fucking movies in one and The Dark Knight Rises wasn’t even half a movie. All’s i’m saying is a good movie doesn’t make you want to go back and talk about how good the previous one was.

Dark Knight Rises 04 still movie review Tom Hardy

“I’ma knit you some pink booties to keep your feet warm.”

Dark Knight Rises 05 still movie review Anne Hathaway

“Who you callin’ ‘underdeveloped’, asshole?”

Sure, most people are going to bring up Heath Ledger and you know what? They’re right because most people are pretty fucking intelligent and Heath Ledger’s Joker took that movie to the next level. Which isn’t to say we don’t have kinda the same thing going on here. Anne Hathaway takes a pretty under-developed character (bet that’s the first time you’ve ever seen “Anne Hathaway” and “under-developed” in the same sentence) and rounds her out and fills her up and fills out the cat suit the whole time, too. The problem is, she has less to work with when you see how stereotypical her character is. Catwoman hasn’t evolved from Julie Newmar’s TV baddie and hasn’t recovered from whatever the fuck Halle Berry did to her.

So, what were the problems here? Too much fucking reading me the story. i felt like a little kid being told a fairy tale at bed time and it almost put me to sleep. The bad guy was Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs, the action was sparse and uninspired, the script was long with too many words everyone was working to get through to bring us the good parts which didn’t last that long or impress that much. It’s like spending all night chatting to some girl about her grandma so you can get in her pants later and when she finally lets you, you feel like your time would’ve been better spent arranging your online music files.

Dark Knight Rises 06 still movie review Anne Hathaway

“Hey, it’s outta my hands.”

Speaking of music and this is where i’m going to wrap this up, don’t worry, the music was the best thing about the film. More intense than the action, darker than the costumes, Hans Zimmer held up his end of the bargain when the only end Nolan was holding was his own.

You know me, i’m always being to generous with shit and so this time i’ve decided to draw a line. i coulda rounded this up to 3 shots but when you think about all the time and money and talent that Nolan had to work with and this is the best he could come out with…well, i’m standing by decision to round this one down.

Dark Knight Rises 07 still movie review Christian Bale Tom Hardy

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

One little itty bitty shot. Anne Hathaway looked hot as hell but she didn’t need her tight cat suit to go there, she looks hot as hell just waking up in the morning eating muesli to stay regular. Here’s what i mean.

Anne Hathaway 2012-07-25 Collage

Anne Hathaway Collage / Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

You know how sexed up this movie was? She kissed the Batman. Twice. Fuckin’ PG-13. Anyway, i got an extra special collage of her your’re gonna wanna check out in the drawers down at the bottom of this post.

Speaking of “cheated”, TDKR had Marion Cotillard and she didn’t even bother to try and look sexy. Here’s like the hottest still you’ll be able to find of her from the movie.

Dark Knight Rises 08 still movie review marion cotillard

Sure, it’s not bad. Hell, it’s Marion Cotillard for chrissakes, it’ll never be ‘bad’ but it’s nowhere near as smoking as this.

Marion Cotillard 2012-07-25 Collage

Marion Cotillard Collage / Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

She kissed Bruce Wayne once. Woot. Still fucking American fucking PG-13. Scroll down to my drawers for some hard ‘R’.

It’s late and i wanna post this tonight so i’m gonna promise you to post shots later of Christian Bale for the women folk and Juno Temple for the Silken Butterflies but you and i both know that’s never going to happen, right?

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

Nobody drank nothing for the entire movie.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

The rock shots are here for a reason and that reason is Hans Zimmer as i already talked about up there. The action in the movie was a real let down, but at least Zimmer’s cool music helped make it sound a little cooler. i’m listening to the OST right now and it’s damn good. Good enough to look for a good copy online and risk the illegal download, if you ask me.

Hans Zimmer – Rise (The Dark Knight Rises OST)

Dark Knight Rises 09 still movie review

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Jonathan Nolan, Christopher Nolan (screenplay)
Christopher Nolan, David S. Goyer (story)

Directed by: Christopher Nolan

Dark Knight Rises 10 still movie review Anne Hathaway


Anne Hathaway – Selina
Marion Cotillard – Miranda
Christian Bale – Bruce Wayne
Tom Hardy – Bane

Bottom Line

Rewatch The Dark Knight instead. Or, even better, do like me and read The Rod’s Review.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more words, just pictures of the actresses under the “Click to read more…”

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