There are tons of ways to get lucky, and they’re all good. Proof of that is how i got lucky with Christina Jeffs.
Who is Christina Jeffs? What if i told you she went by ‘Venice’ in Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street? Remember Venice? The hot blonde dominatrix who used Leonardo Di Caprio’s ass as a candle holder? The one whose name he called out in his sleep and triggered the demise of his marriage? We all dream of being in Venice at least once in our short lives and that’s one definition of getting lucky. When i say i got lucky with Christina, however, i don’t mean i navigated her canal with my gondola, just that she agreed to an interview with me, your tender bartender.
i was waist deep in some Parisian whorehouse, lost and struggling to find the door. Pimps sporting berets and stained sailor shirts joined the heavy whores with crooked hair and wobbly heels drinking toasts in the search party sent to have me tossed from the brothel for sex crimes of the heart because we just can’t have me falling in love with every skinny, doe-eyed strumpet that comes prematurely anywhere near me. i was hiding under the blanket smells of rich desserts and perfume as cheap as a half price harlot, cowering in the self-service elevator and praying that i would somehow be able to escape the brothel with my virtue intact and my virginity found.
Suddenly the doors slid opened and i feared the worst but saw the best, Christina Jeffs had penetrated the dark recesses of the bordello to rescue me from my pursuers who reeked of stinky cheese and dirty panties. She flicked her whip and the leather strap wrapped around my neck so that she could lead me away like a dog on a leash to the safety of a closet bathroom where she plopped down on a rusty bidet and caught my breath.
“Christina Jeffs? The super hot actress who starred all over The Wolf of Wall Street? While we hide out here, can i ask you a few questions for the patronizers of the Bar None?” And she, the sweet petite potato freak that she is, said yes.
Al K Hall: “Christina” is a great name.
Christina Jeffs: Is it?? Thank you. You are the first person to ever compliment my name!
Al K Hall: Babe, stay with me and i’ll compliment things you didn’t even know you had. It’s such a great name, i bet no one ever gave you any nicknames, right?
Christina: Some people call me CJ, Ceej, Xtina, the Sex Unicorn.
Al K Hall: Sounds horny. Speaking of hot, you used to live L. A. and commute between there and New York. That sounds more tiring than cleaning hotel rooms under a black light.
Christina: I was just doing the things that people do in their 20s: having a great time, doing weird jobs, staying in relationships 2 years longer than I should have. THE USUAL.
Al K Hall: Really, though, is there a difference between the towns?
Christina: Well, in NY you can start drinking at noon or whenever you want, really, because you don’t have to drive anywhere, and in LA you start drinking later because you have to figure what you’re doing with your car and how many stops, and traffic, and you know–it’s a big to-do figuring out what time you’re allowed to start drinking.
Al K Hall: What’s something i’d only find about you when you were drunk?
Christina: Was I supposed to start drinking at the beginning of this interview so I could properly answer this?? I’ll start now. [She reaches down the front of her dress and pulls out this gleaming bottle of Strawberry Tequila Rose cream liqueur and starts sucking. ]
Al K Hall: Damn, you’re going at that like a babe. Something tells me tequila isn’t your only vice. What else you got?
Christina: Tequila, gluten….is Instagram a vice?
Al K Hall: It is the way i do it. i don’t know, though. i find it hard to believe a girl as sexy and gifted as you has enough downtime for the internet. Seriously, you have boring evenings?
Christina: A boring evening for me would be, like, a bad bad date. Like, a date with someone who doesn’t know how to converse.
Al K Hall: Hey, me converse goodly.
Christina: Or someone who takes you to their house and watches you while you watch their pilot–
Al K Hall: You babysit pilots?
Christina: –NOT because you asked to see it.
Al K Hall: Ah, TV lingo.
Christina: Or someone who asks you to drive across town, shows up 25 minutes late, and then makes you split the bill. Like, do one of those things, but not all three, right???
Al K Hall: Sorry, i was having my brain washed that day. Never happen again.
Christina: So, ya, being in boring company is boring, but it can make for great material!
Al K Hall: Agreed. Let’s just hook up on Instagram.
Christina: If that doesn’t work, check Erewhon. I go there way too much.
Al K Hall: Is that because you like French fries weirdly a lot? Seriously, what’s up with you and French fries?
Christina: I just love them.
Al K Hall: What’s your secret recipe?
Christina: If I did make them at home I would use this recipe.
Al K Hall: Do you have any fry burns in the shape of Jesus?
Christina: I don’t want to disappoint you by answering this question.
Al K Hall: Trust me, the only way you could disappoint me would be to marry me.
Christina: No, none of my scars are cool. They are all from curling irons, and toasters, and, like, falling on the treadmill. I’m hoping they fade soon. They’re ruining the landscape of my largest organ.
Al K Hall: You have a penis, too? Doesn’t make you any less hot, regardless. Is it a problem being hot and funny, though? Like people look at you and say, “Oh, you’re so attractive, you can’t possibly be funny on purpose”?
Christina: They don’t say those exact words, but I have heard, “You don’t look funny,” a lot recently.
Al K Hall: Strange, i get that all the time.
Christina: It is never specified that I don’t “look funny” because I am attractive–so we can’t assume–but either way it’s kind of dumb. No one would say to a funny looking person who isn’t funny, “BUT YOU LOOK FUNNY! WHY AREN’T YOU FUNNY!”
Al K Hall: Maybe not, but when people tell me i’m funny, i always say, “Looks aren’t everything.” But we’re drifting away from you and your hotness. Does a girl as talented and beautiful as you have any downtime?
Christina: [Laughing with modesty] Ha! No. Being talented and being beautiful are two of the most grueling, time-consuming activities EVER, and together they take up all of my time. I literally don’t do anything else.
Al K Hall: But we both know that’s not 100% true, don’t we. For example, you play the triangle and the tambourine. Which is harder?
Christina: I gotta go with triangle. I don’t know why.
Al K Hall: Did you let Iggy Pop play your triangle? ‘Cause you toured with him, am i right?
Christina: Who told you that!
Al K Hall: Not important. That one cute friend of yours who now mysteriously has no toenails on her left foot. But is it true?
Christina: Ya, kind of. I was a back up singer in my friend’s band and we were on a mini-tour with Mr. Pop. I was like, “Well, when else am I gonna go play Lollapalooza and go on tour with Iggy Pop? Probably never.” So I did it.
Al K Hall: Did you just call him “Mr. Pop”? You are so fucking adorable! Did he give you your start in “the business”?
Christina: Am I officially in “the business”? I feel like I am just starting. I have no idea what I’m doing.
Al K Hall: I don’t know about that, you sure know your way around the business end of a candle.
Christina: My first jobs were for The Onion News Network TV Show, and 2 Broke Girls. I just auditioned for those, and before that I just did stuff for free, and people I worked with became friends, and then they would recommend me to their friends, and I think that’s pretty much how it works forever.
Al K Hall: Like your comedy show with Risa Sarachan?
Christina: Yes, very much so. We went to NYU together, and had a lot of mutual friends. I was a fan of hers, turns out we both wanted to work on something together, we had some ideas, and then we made them happen!
Al K Hall: Where do you make them happen?
Al K Hall: Will you make me watch it, and watch me watch it when i do? ‘Cause you should’ve seen me watch you in The Wolf of Wall Street. i watched the shit out of you. You play a dominatrix called Venice…is that typecasting?
Christina: It is definitely NOT typecasting. I am the worst dominatrix. I apologized profusely after every take while peeling the wax of Leo’s back.
Al K Hall: Mmmm, i bet you did a lot of research for a long time.
Christina: Um, i did NO research on dominatrices because it was a last minute decision by Sandy Powell, the costume designer, to make me a dominatrix.
Al K Hall: Really?
Christina: I was supposed to be naked.
Al K Hall: Let’s do that scene right now, shall we? i’ve got the will if you’ve got three minutes. i might be able to make it up to 3 and ½ but don’t hold your breath. No? Have it your way. You were talking about Sandy the costume designer…
Christina: Right before I was supposed to rehearse, Sandy’s assistant came into the hair and makeup trailer, and he was like, “There’s discussion about your costume, we might need a more fierce makeup look”. I was like, “Um, whut costume?”
Al K Hall: Because naked.
Christina: So I go in, and she was like, “I have this Thierry Mugler bodysuit from 1992 I’ve been dying to use in the movie, and I feel like this is it’s moment. If there’s a candle and wax involved, I feel like he [Leonardo DiCaprio’s character, Jordan Belfort] called you to perform this specific service.” And I was like, “Perfect.” Then someone is like, “Well, Marty just has to approve it.” And she was like, “He’ll do whatever I want.” Because she’s a badass. But we still showed it to him, and he thought it was great so it stayed.
Al K Hall: How do you describe that scene to people who haven’t seen it?
Christina: “I sodomize Leo with a candle. / I extract a candle from Leo’s ass. / I engage in light anal play with Leo. / I abuse Leo and his anus.” Anything along those lines.
Al K Hall: Works for me. Did you use a real candle on Leo’s real back?
Christina: Ya, it was a Japanese wax drip candle, but it was still super hot, and he was actually in pain.
Al K Hall: i bet he wanted to keep going even after the scene.
Christina: He watched the takes after every scene.
Al K Hall: Really? He wasn’t all over you like hot actresses on free French fries?
Christina: I think the best way to describe him is SUPES PROFESH.
Al K Hall: That’s my favorite stripper’s name! What was the shoot like?
Christina: So so so fun. Marty was giggling the whole time–were all cracking up because candles in the ass are hilarious.
Al K Hall: Ass candles are the origin of the expression “butt of the joke”, in fact.
Christina: Everyone was so cool. I felt like a part of the gang for a minute. The propmaster had been with Marty since Good Fellas, and he was telling me stories. We talked a lot because he was helping me handle the candles.
Al K Hall: i bet he was. Speaking of, how was Martin Scorsese to work with?
Al K Hall: Did you call him “Marty”?
Christina: I called him “Marty” in my mind, and then ever since I shot the scene I’ve acted like we’re best friends, and I call him “Marty” whenever I talk about him. SO, I guess the answer to that is “no”.
Al K Hall: Was he all nervous and jumpy on the set?
Christina: He wasn’t nervous, he just giggled. Maybe it was nervous giggles, I don’t know! I have to say though, there are few things that make you feel better than making Scorsese laugh so hard that he collapses and rolls around on a bed. Was that a humblebrag? Hang on. I’m playing a drinking game with myself where I have to do a shot every time I humblebrag.
Al K Hall: Maybe you should do a double shot, then. Do you still have nightmares about his eyebrows?
Christina: No! I love a thick brow! I wish mine were bigger like young Brooke Shields! BACK TO ME! AND MY EYEBROWS!
Al K Hall: AND THE BOOZE! Because this is for the Bar None, i gotta ask if there was a wrap party.
Christina: Like, beyond my personal wrap party where I drank my margarita and cried into my guacamole for 5 for 1 because I was sad to be done? Probably, but I wasn’t invited.
Al K Hall: Damn but i love a good guac. In a gross miscarriage of judgment, you weren’t nominated for an Academy Award.
Al K Hall: How pissed off are you?
Christina: PRETTY PISSED.
Al K Hall: Now’s your chance: i present you with your Oscar, what do you say in your speech?
Christina: I probably just cry and think of great things to say, and people I forgot to thank as soon as I get off stage.
Al K Hall: Anyway, now that The Wolf of Wall Street is going to make you an international star–
Al K Hall: –what do you have your sights set on?
Christina: I want to play Jason Mantzoukas‘ love interest in The League.
Al K Hall: You’re too good for him. Plus, after this chat, no one will be able to get enough of you so what’s the best way to get the most of you?
Christina: For immediate, consistent stuff, you can subscribe to my YouTube channel! I just put out a movie about Ranch dressing, and I have a bunch more coming up. [AlKHallism: i just watched the Ranch Documentary and lloled (literally laughed out loud)–you’ve got to see the Wine with Ranch scene, especially as i’m thinking about adding that to the menu.]
Al K Hall: Because you gave me the idea for Ranch wine for the Bar None, it think it’s only fair we cut right to the Bar None questionnaire. Think of it like filming a nude scene…because that’s what i’ll be doing. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?
Christina: Tequila / rocks / lime.
Al K Hall: When was the last time you had a hangover?
Christina: March 11th because march 10th was my birthday.
Al K Hall: Happy birthday! And speaking of, what’s your favorite swear word? Do you swear? A lot?
Christina: I swear so fucking much. I think my favorite word is “fuck”.
Al K Hall: Finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?
Christina: Your MYSTERY! And your great taste in minor characters in The Wolf of Wall Street.
Al K Hall: Tell me something i don’t know!
Christina: Ranch dressing was the first dairy-based dressing that was shelf stabilized. Clorox bought the recipe for the dressing for 8 million dollars in 1972–it was just buttermilk, mayonnaise, and herbs–from Hidden Valley Ranch, and then they tweaked the recipe with the right chemicals so that people could enjoy it long after it hit the shelves. It was an instant hit, and it’s still the nation’s #1 dressing.
Al K Hall: Any last words?
Christina: FIND ME ON INSTAGRAM AND THESE DON’T HAVE TO BE OUR LAST WORDS!
And with that, she yanked my chain and pulled me out of les toilettes. With her innate sense of Parisian bordellos, she successfully evaded our pursuers by smelling their cheese sweats until, like most things French, they decided to surrender and accept their fate with a philosophical abandon and a bottle of cheap wine.
Which, tragically, brings this interview to an end. Let me just remind you that, to my great chagrin, Christina and i were never together in a French maison close, or anywhere else on this physical plane. Our entire interview was conducted via email and though i changed a lot of shit up to make my parts more interesting, i left her words exactly as she sent them because why tamper with perfection?
i’d like to thank Christina Jeffs for being such a good sport about this and putting up with all my bullshit. It’s a lot to ask from anyone, yet Christina was inordinately generous, especially during this busy period in TV / pilot land. If anyone asks you about Christina Jeffs, tell them that in addition to being spectacularly beautiful, she’s SUPES PROFESH (and not in the stripper sense).
If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.