As of right now, 403 patronizers have found there way into the Bar None, and you can add one more because i’m here with you. i know you have the choice of a lot of places to go and get shit faced today, and that you chose my corner of the internet means a lot to me. May the season find you happy and safe and full of a lot of cheer. Though maybe not as much as Santa.
But before we pass on to that… From the juiced-box and dedicated to Kris ‘Krispy’ Kringle: Big & Rich – Drunk on Christmas
The proof is, he keeps throwing it up all over the place.
There’s this English kid called Hairy Styles which sounds more like a fashion statement than a name but that’s how they roll in jolly olde England. If you’ve never heard of this guy don’t worry, i haven’t either. My ignorance isn’t all that surprising, though, when you realize i know everything there is to know about good music.
The reason i’m babbling on about this kid is because this photo was splattered all over the front page of the Internet a while back. Seems Hairy had to pull over and stomach sneeze.
At first i thought he’d been innocently listening to the radio when all of a sudden one of his own songs came on and, before he could change the station, he heard enough of it to make him hurl. Turns out there was a contributing factor. In addition to getting sick on his own tunes, he also had a hangover from drinking the night before with Lily Allen at the Nice Guy Bar in LA.
Harry Styles after the Bar None
My assumption that his music was to blame is understandable, though, when you realize the effect One Direction’s “songs” (and i use the term as loosely as a whore’s vagina after giving birth at a donkey show) have on humanity at large. For example, check out these poor, impressionable young things that accidentally heard One Direction…
The music is killing us from the inside!!!!!
“Oh my god, mom! They raped my ears with their limp penis pop!”
“I’m ruined for life! I can’t un-hear it! I CAN’T UNHEAR IT!”
“You have a One Direction Ringtone!? Make It Staaahhhppp!!!!”
“The noises you make are making me vomit!!!”
“My ears! My ears! Clean them with bleach!!!”
“How much pain can one girl bear!? I just got my period and now this!”
Which is not to say all girls hate the band, but One Direction fans are a special breed.
And collectively, these fan girls have formed the Nutsy party with the intention of eliminating all traces of good music from the planet with an ordered and systematic final solution. They’ve even given an old salute a modern twist to hail their leader.
But if you’re a One Direction fan and would like to date one of the members of this boys bandwagon, look at the following photographs of Hairy Styles’ exes and ask yourself: 1) Am I that hot? 2) Do I drink that much? If the answer to either is “No”, then send me an email with a naked picture of yourself (or at least topless) and then we’ll see which direction we go.
Cara Delevingne in the Bar None
Taylor Swift in the Bar None
Kendall Jenner in the Bar None
Kimberly Stewart in the Bar None
Caggie Dunlop in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper
Emily Atack in the Bar None
Emma Ostilly outside the Bar None
Felicity Skinner in the Bar None
Kara Rose Marshall
Kara Rose Marshall in the Bar None
Caroline Flack in the Bar None
Bar None Dregs
Let me take a moment now to raise a glass of Pepsi Max and and drink a dry toast to Saint Pauly over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). A few years ago he started his little blog where he imitated my writing style (the sick bastard), and after a few emails, i encouraged him to be his gay self and press on. Well, last week was the first week that WTF!? (Watch the Film) surpassed this blog in total readers, so i want to congratulate him on well deserved success. And to take some credit for it. And to tell him now he has to start promoting the shit out of this blog, for a change.
His latest review is…
WTF!? review of Behaving Badly
As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
(9 if you don’t include the one everyone already though of.) Palcohol, powered alcohol for the movers and martini shakers out there, is trying to get approval. Staying on top of things is what i do (until i get pushed off, anyway) and in keeping with that tradition, i’ve already thought of 10 alternate uses for powdered booze.
1. Snort it
Smells Like Teen Spirits
2. Spice your Food with it
Spice is the variety of life
3. Powder your Milk with it
I’ll have a double
4. Eat it like Candy
5. Bottle it as Sand Art
It’s not tacky if it can get you drunk
6. Wear it as Body Glitter
What many users will have in common
7. Make a Zen Garden with it
“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional, booze is the difference.” – Brewda
You know me, i’m not gonna lie to you or if i do, i’ll tell you first or just right after. Unfortunately, there are fuck tons of people out there who are going to lie to you and the only reason they’re doing it is to farm your ‘Likes’ on their Facebook pages.
Check this, i could do the same fucking thing and i’ll even time my ass to show you how easy this kind of article is.
Titillating title: 7 Reasons You Will Never Know True Love
You don’t love yourself
You look in the wrong places
You can’t let go of your past
You have too many criteria
You don’t know how to recognize love
You don’t laugh out loud enough
You are too focused on yourself
There you go. That took me 01:41. One minute and 41.4 seconds to write that outline.
Before you start saying, “But Al, Raymmar Tirado’s tips weren’t as simple and ordinary as yours,” imma call bullshit.
You know what he wrote in his article? “You don’t ask enough questions,” “you don’t read enough books”… shit like that. You don’t know how much i read, Rainman, and reading a book a day still won’t guarantee me the Nobel Peace Prize. Hell, how many pictures do you see of Jesus reading books? He did some amazing shit and the only question he asked was, “Why me, Lord?” when the hung his ass on the cross.
Plus, who is Raymmar Tirado to tell us what to do? Like he’s an expert on doing amazing things. Have you ever heard of his amazing ass? i haven’t. The only amazing thing he’s done in his life is to write that piece of shit article telling you that suck.
Like i said up at the top, i won’t lie to you like Rayman did. i’m all about the coming clean, so here are the 7 Real Reason You Will Never Succeed
1. You are not rich enough
2. You were born in the wrong class
3. You did not go to the right university
4. You do not have the right connections
5. You have a moral compass
6. You have family and friends you care about
7. You do amazing things every day
Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
‘Tis the season of my annual Bar None Christmas post, where we all gather around the monitor and roast our nuts on the fire of my love for you. i hope that you got everything you wanted because i did: your presence today is all the presents i need.
As of right now, 601 of y’all have found your way into the Bar None on this most auspicious of days and i’m here to thank you for thinking of me, especially today. For those of you who aren’t reading this, Santa has a special message for you, too.
Add to that number of patronizers one more because i’m here with you, thanking you for taking the time to pop in and i’mma try to make it worth your while.
Thank you for patronizing me and hoping you’ll patronize me even more next year.