Hell Just Thawed

You know how i stopped writing this blog when Hell froze over because that was the only way i’d ever leave the Bar None? Well, Hell must’ve just thawed because there is only one convergence of events that would’ve ever got me back here and against all the odds and ends, the stars miraculously aligned.

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You see that glass in front of them?

And when i say “stars”, i of course mean Cara Delevingne (or Cara Delavagina as she’s known around here and other parts) and Amber Heard who aligned and are still aligning like wild cats, i bet. And that image is hot enough to melt even a Hell that froze over. Which brings us back to why i’m here right now.

Not only did the two hottest women on the planet get together, they are doing it in a bar and of course they are! Where else would they get the right motivation to take the party horizontal? It was exactly how things started between Cara and Michelle Rodriguez and don’t tell me you don’t remember that gorgeous debacle.

An unforgettable kiss she won't remember

An unforgettable kiss she won’t remember

Camber (yep, i created that and you heard it here first) hung out together on Monday, September 19th, first at a bar named after what models say to each other to start a conversation (SoHo) and then to a different bar called LouLou. By the way, both of these clubs are too exclusive to even think about accepting folk like you and me, trust me, i’ve tried.

Turns out Amber and Cara are getting over their exes by getting on each other. Amber is still trying to salvage her reputation after getting busted for lying about Johnny Depp and Cara just broke up with a girl called Saint Vincent of all things.

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The other women

My only concern is, when these two break up, where will they go to console themselves? They’re each already tapping the epitome of female beauty, so they have nowhere to go but down. Which is where they’re going anyway, so at least they know the way.

But you know Johnny Depp is kicking the shit out of himself because if he could’ve held on for a few more weeks, he had a shot at the threesome of the century.

Cara Delevingne

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Cara in the Bar None

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Amber Heard

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Amber Heard in the Bar None

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Amber Heard still in the Bar None

 

Angelina Jolie 2014-05-28 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Told you so! (Why Brad & Angelina REALLY broke up)

Hey there barmaids and beerhounds. It’s me, Al K Hall, your ever loving tender bar tender here at the Bar None popping in to brag a little.

Click On Image For Details

Way back in 2010, i forecast Bradgelina dividing into Brad and Vadgelina, and i even gave the reason: Brad’s drinking. i may have been premature (like usual, what can i say?), but i got it so fucking right.

“Are You Drinking What I’m Drinking?”

i’m guessing the Pitts were hanging out on their private plane and Brad was guzzling jet fuel or whatever the rich drink for kicks, when he started getting mean drunk. Vadgelina made some remark that set him (or maybe the jet fuel) off and then Maddox stepped in to take his mom’s side. Unfortunately, this made Brad turn on his kid and that’s when Angelina cut the cord.

Anyway, if y’all take the time to read the above link, you’ll have to agree i’m at least as psychic as i am psychotic. Which is what i always say. Just like “Thanks for patronizing me”.

What do you think? Did they split because of the booze or because Brad decided he wanted to French kiss Marion Cotillard?

If you’re here for the hot babes then i’ve got some Vadgelina:

Click On Image To Get A Wallpaper

Angelina Jolie At The Bar None

Drunk Elves 01 (AlKHall Bar None)

A Bar None ChristmAss (2014 Sedition)

Drunk Santa 01 (AlKHall Bar None)

As of right now, 403 patronizers have found there way into the Bar None, and you can add one more because i’m here with you. i know you have the choice of a lot of places to go and get shit faced today, and that you chose my corner of the internet means a lot to me. May the season find you happy and safe and full of a lot of cheer. Though maybe not as much as Santa.

But before we pass on to that… From the juiced-box and dedicated to Kris ‘Krispy’ Kringle: Big & Rich – Drunk on Christmas

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Christmas Pissed List 01 (AlKHall Bar None)

10 Christmas Gifts on a Drunk’s Pissed List (A Top Ten Lips)

Christmas Pissed List 01 (AlKHall Bar None)Bar Angels and Boozehounds, the time has come yet again to waste some of your hard earned beer money on other people who won’t be able to contain their disappointment when they open the presents you bought with cash you should’ve spent on cheap tequila and that one heavy chick who wears a bikini top to the bar even if it’s winter and you live in Duluth.

What’s even worse than this torture? Well, for me it’s going through this sober, but for you normal drunks? The worst part is trying to hide the disenchantment you feel when you open yet another bag of dress socks that only reminds you that you have to go back to the office after the festivities have ended in a gut wrenching hangover.

Fret no more, dear Patronizers, i’ve compiled a list here of shit you can ask for so that all you have to do is share this with loved ones so that you can be sure to get more than slapped this holiday season.

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0-5 Shots: The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Battle of 5 Armies 01 poster (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Not from the juiced-box but the soundtrack: Billy Boyd – The Last Goodbye

[Press ‘Play’ for maybe the only thing gayer than a hobbit]

For those reading this the day before the US release, here’s the smart phone proof i got to see it before y’all. Don’t hate the player, hate me.

Battle of 5 Armies 02 Collage (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Ramblings: Happy Ending

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

3  & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk on bumblewine with wee tiddlers in the Land of Nodd? The yarns they spindle numb your senses and you feel the weight of night petals settle over your eyes and pull you into Slumberland like a boat of Fire Mead. You’re able to dull out the incessant blades of their boredom as they harp out of tune tales meant for children and petty criminals. Just as you decide you’ll suckle the last dram from the bottom of the caphorn and be on your way, the stories finally become interesting. Like the whelm of the liquor, their tales turn to epic sagas of bravery and sacrifice, of blood and courage, of death and magic. You find yourself captivated by the heartbeat of their tongues, your eyes are regaled by their words and you’re happy you stayed the course and settle into the comfortable inebriation of the night realm. That’s what The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies was like.

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20 All-You-Can-Eat Vodkas

2014-11-20 Vodka dinnerAfter the resounding success of my Vodka for 9-year-olds, i figured what the fuck, there’s grown ups who like vodka too, right?

The problem is, our tastes have moved past candy, but does that mean we have to stop enjoying vodka at all hours of the day? Fuck no!

Below you’ll find a selection of flavored vodkas you can have for any meal…dessert included.

As an alcoholic in recovery, i haven’t tried any of these but i’ll probably go off the wagon when they invent Cara Delevingne’s panties vodka (distill my beating heart).

That said, i’d love to hear from you in the tip jar (comments) if you’ve ever been brave enough to sample one of these. Which one did you try and what did you think?

To get you in the mood, from the juiced box, i give you: The Whiskey Bards – Drinking Man’s Diet

Wallpaper

Vodka 00 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

17 Vodkas You Will Eat Up

1. Breakfast Vodkas

Breakfast is the most important drink of the day. Most alcoholics recommend a hearty drink before braving the world outdoors. For those of you who want a big breakfast drunk, try

  • Maple bacon (WTF!?) vodka
  • Blueberry pancake vodka
  • Waffle vodka

Vodka 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

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If you’re one of those who doesn’t like big breakfasts, not to worry. What about Fruit Loop vodka?

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You could even drink it out of a bowl

Still too much? How ’bout just a little bite on your way out the door.

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Drunken Donuts

2. Lunch Vodkas

Busy at the office and looking for something to take the edge off? Try this blast from the past: PB&J vodka.

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No crusts and everything

Want to give that sammich a little kick?

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How to get pickled

Maybe you need something that’ll burn a little more going down.

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Burns going both in and out

Not spicy enough? No problem, i got some Jalpeño vodka for you.

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Burns both going down and coming up

To be sure you stay healthy, don’t forget to drink a little fruit. (Salty Watermelon? WTF!?)

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Seedless

3. Dinner vodkas

A three-course meal is the perfect way to finish off the day if you’re still standing.

Starting with the appetizer… Scorpion vodka

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Careful, it’ll sting

Then there’s Salmon vodka for the main course…

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Fishy

For dessert, we got a choice.

  • Cake vodka
  • Pumpkin pie vodka
  • Cupcake vodka
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Just Desserts

Wait, what, you want whipped cream with that?

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Finally, something to wash it all down.

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How many shots?

Click Here For More Top 10 Lips

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Are you glad i didn’t post this as a slideshow and make you go through each bottle one at a time? You could always thank me by…uhm, i don’t know… sharing this.

What about you? Have you tried any of these? Leave a comment below and let us know what you thought.

2014-11-11 Vodka for Kids

10 Vodkas 9-Year-Olds Will Love (A Top 10 Lips)

2014-11-11 Vodka for KidsHow many times have people come up to me and said, “Al K Hall, my kids just aren’t taking to vodka as quickly as I did at their age. What can I do to get them on the bottle sooner?”

Ok, no one has ever come up to me and asked me that question, but if they did, here’s what i’d answer…

But before we get into that, i have a little song for you from the juiced-box, to get you in the mood. Korpiklaani – Vodka

Bar None Kiddie Vodka Wallpaper - Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)Bar None Kiddie Vodka Wallpaper - Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Bar None Kiddie Vodka Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

10 Vodkas Your Toddlers Will Eat Up

1. Peanut Butter & Jelly vodka

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No crusts in here

2. Cookie Dough vodka

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For when real raw cookie dough doesn’t make you sick enough

3. Chocolate Covered Pretzel vodka

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Everyone’s go-to junk food, am i right?

4. S’mores vodka

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Good for getting drunk on right next to a roaring bonfire

5. Cotton Candy vodka

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Will stick to the toilet bowl, not your fingers

6. Bubble Gum vodka

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Now no one can burst your bubble

7. Red Liquorice vodka

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Liquor-ice

8. Fluffed Marshmallow vodka

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A new way to get toasted

9. Buttered Popcorn vodka

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Quieter for the movies

And if you want extra butter

Autumn Butter vodka

Kiddy Vodka 09 Butter Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

666: The number of the eats

10. Root Beer Float vodka

Because you need something to drink to wash all of these down…

Kiddy Vodka 10 Root Beer Float Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Sink or Swim

Click Here For More Top 10 Lips

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