Bar Angels and Boozehounds, the time has come yet again to waste some of your hard earned beer money on other people who won’t be able to contain their disappointment when they open the presents you bought with cash you should’ve spent on cheap tequila and that one heavy chick who wears a bikini top to the bar even if it’s winter and you live in Duluth.
What’s even worse than this torture? Well, for me it’s going through this sober, but for you normal drunks? The worst part is trying to hide the disenchantment you feel when you open yet another bag of dress socks that only reminds you that you have to go back to the office after the festivities have ended in a gut wrenching hangover.
Fret no more, dear Patronizers, i’ve compiled a list here of shit you can ask for so that all you have to do is share this with loved ones so that you can be sure to get more than slapped this holiday season.
Not from the juiced-box but the soundtrack: Billy Boyd – The Last Goodbye
[Press ‘Play’ for maybe the only thing gayer than a hobbit]
For those reading this the day before the US release, here’s the smart phone proof i got to see it before y’all. Don’t hate the player, hate me.
Ramblings: Happy Ending
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk on bumblewine with wee tiddlers in the Land of Nodd? The yarns they spindle numb your senses and you feel the weight of night petals settle over your eyes and pull you into Slumberland like a boat of Fire Mead. You’re able to dull out the incessant blades of their boredom as they harp out of tune tales meant for children and petty criminals. Just as you decide you’ll suckle the last dram from the bottom of the caphorn and be on your way, the stories finally become interesting. Like the whelm of the liquor, their tales turn to epic sagas of bravery and sacrifice, of blood and courage, of death and magic. You find yourself captivated by the heartbeat of their tongues, your eyes are regaled by their words and you’re happy you stayed the course and settle into the comfortable inebriation of the night realm. That’s what The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies was like.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Leo Reisman (Cole Porter) – You Do Something To Me
[Press ‘Play’ for the traditional Woody Allen jazz shit]
Ramblings: Cheap tricks
Final Proof: 3 shots
You know how you get drunk with a magician? For the first couple drinks you’re pretty amazed by his illusions and you find yourself wanting to believe there is something special going on, something beyond the everyday, something extra-ordinary. But it doesn’t take long for you to see through the tricks, and the magic, like the buzz, isn’t real at all – it’s artificial, it’s an illusion and once you see through it, you leave disappointed and feeling you could’ve made more magic yourself. That’s the not so special effect of Magic in the Moonlight.
Pinocchio as a cross dresser
Top hats off to Woody Allen for making a film a year, which makes him one of the most prolific filmmakers of his generation but then most of his generation is dead. The problem is, if a guy faps once an hour, the consistency of his… creative juices lessens and gets a little sloppy over time. If a magician never stops doing tricks, the tricks start to look the same after awhile. There’s only so many ways you can saw a woman in half. Legally.
i’m a big fan of Woodies. i’m also kind of a fan of Woody Allen. i especially like when he does magical realism. Alice, The Purple Rose of Cairo, even Midnight in Paris really work for me. i find most of his other movies, though, are like rum drinks in a mall bar: bland, ordinary, and weak. Magic in the Moonlight had the chance to make the right choice, but in the end decided it was too lazy. No one likes it when it’s too lazy in the end, ask Neil Patrick Harris.
“God’s penis is actually rather small”
i say that, but this movie wasn’t a total waste. The story line was like my porn, interesting and satisfying and the ending caught me by surprise. Probably the best thing overall about Magic in the Moonlight was Emma Stone. You probably remember that i still hate Emma because of a rumor years ago before she was super famous that she was a supreme bitch to a couple of young teen girls who approached her for an autograph. While i can’t forgive that, i have to admit that she’s fun to watch on screen. She’s cute and she has a sparkly charm that helps pass the time so that, even if the movie isn’t all that engaging, at least she is.
“And then I’ll show you how I got the nickname ‘Woody’.”
If you like Woody Allen, you’ll probably like this one, and if you don’t like him, sorry i didn’t bash him more.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: ½ Shot
Before i get balls balls deep into the sex, i want you to grasp something big about this movie. This movie is a romantic comedy between a man who is 54 years old and a girl who is 26. Not judging, but it’s obviously a Woody Allen movie and maybe even a little based on his life except, in the movie, the girl isn’t her lover’s daughter.
To be fair to the movie, i didn’t notice this age thing until some girl pointed it out to me afterwards. Which probably says less about me than you already know.
Whatever, Emma Stone was 24-25 when she made this movie and it’s not my fault that she looks like this.
Emma Stone Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
There’s more single shots of her in my drawers, down there. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.
As for the sexy in Magic in the Moonlight, here are my sex notes, blow by blow:
Emma Stone is super cute in her hat
Emma Stone closeups are breathtaking
Emma Stone dancing [is like watching new angels learn to fly]
Stanley [Colin Firth] and Sophie [Emma Stone] kiss at the happy ending
Just one this time, and not a beginner either. The very lovely Catherine McCormack was both in 28 Days Later and Braveheart, though she wasn’t in this movie nearly long enough (as Olivia, Stanley / Colin Firth‘s girlfriend).
Drink: 2 Shots
Most of Woody’s movies have tons of booze in them, though they don’t usually play an important role, so that’s why i’m throwing up 2 shots here. Interesting that they have alcohol in almost every scene and i, as an alcoholic in recovery, wasn’t even tempted once. Maybe i’m past the cravings or maybe Woody doesn’t know how to film booze.
Scotch in bar where one magician asks another to investigate a medium
Drinks at house before meeting Sophie [Emma Stone]
Stanley asks for wine visiting his Aunt Vanessa’s [Eileen Atkins] house after lunch
Dancing champagne in hand at the ball
Lots of champagne glasses as props to the sunrise after the ball [WTF!?]
“Perhaps I can scare up a whiskey.”
“We should break out champagne!” Celebrate Aunt Vanessa’s health
Wine at Aunt Vanessa’s when [Stanley] realizes he loves Sophie
Drinks at a bar forgiving his friend [Simon McBurney as Howard Burkan]
Vanessa: You need a drink. What will you have? Stanley: A scotch. (After breakup)
Rock & Roll: 0 shots
Woody Allen is a jazz freak and just a freak but knows nothing about rock, either for action or music.
For those of you who kept a couple of shits to give, here’s the soundtrack recreated on Spotify. (i had to substitute versions of some of the songs for what was available.)
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Fever Ray – If I Had a Heart
[Press ‘Play’ for part of a killer soundtrack: Fever Ray – If I Had A Heart]
To prove to y’all i got to see this on the 1st of October, here’s a couple cell phone shots i took.
Ramblings: No Ifs, Ands or Butts
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with a spoiled girl? It’s not her fault her parents gave her everything she wanted but there she sits, over dressed, drinking champagne and eating lobster hors d’oeuvres, never looking directly at you or trying to get you to like her. She’d look better in jeans than that fancy ass dress and she’d be easier to like of she was ordering beer and she’d be more fun if she was a little hungrier and a little more desperate. One of the little known life lessons spoiled girls have yet to learn is that there’s a certain sexy in desperate. Which is not what Horns was like.
The weird thing is, i know i liked this fucking movie because i remember how i felt watching it, but ever since i left the theater i keep thinking about all the shit that got up my nose. Maybe i’ll make like i ate salmonella tacos to get all the shit out of my system so i can find the gold nuggets lurking inside.
Here’s what got my goat about Horns. This movie had so much money thrown at it that it lost its focus and wasn’t in a hurry to get to the ending. This was because the movie is based on a book and if i ever stop reading WTF!? i might read that book because i’m sure it was cool, but a movie isn’t a book — that’s why they have different words for them. What happens when you try to stick too close to the book is you end up with a lot of WTF because the reason why characters do shit isn’t explained like in a novel. A smart director would dumb it down and put everything up on the screen.
Then there were the flashbacks… This film had more childhood flashbacks than a Stephen King book, for chrissakes. i kept trying hard to care, i swear i did, but like a hook handed masturbator, i just couldn’t get there.
The other thing that prodded me to dislike Horns was Daniel Radcliffe. He’s a great little actor (he did a nice job of an American accent here) and he’s going to make some lucky guy a lovely wife one day, but to see him as a romantic lead was a stretch. Especially because the film is based on the depth of the love between Ig (short for ‘Ignatius’ and obviously symbolic of some shit, but i can’t be bothered to figure out what that might be) and Merrin Williams, where Juno Temple plays Merrin and Daniel Radcliffe plays a man. Like prostitutes next to hospitals, i wasn’t buying into that, which has more to do with how he looked than his acting because he can act like a man just as well as the next guy.
There’s a lot to like here, though, i swear. i’m a fan of Alexandre Aja who made Piranha 3D look good and who killed it in the remake of The Hills Have Eyes. Sure, you could argue he’s getting worse as time goes on, but that’s you. As for me, i’m sure he’ll turn things around and get the passion for filming back that he once had. Regardless, he knows what he’s doing and so he’s like this French seducer who’s expert at making you feel good while he’s screwing you, as long as you don’t care his heart isn’t in it.
Should you see it? Hell yes, especially if you’re going to see more than one movie this month.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
You know what this movie needed more of? Nudity. Of course i say that about every movie but this one had some really hot girls and some gratuitous flesh would have helped me gloss over some of Horns‘ flaws.
Here’s a quick rundown of my notes…
“Are you horny?” Merrin asks Ig in the first line of dialog in the film
Housewife banging her golf pro doggy style and they’re both clothed
Young Ig looks through a Playboy
Juno Temple bare ass and side boob
[Flashes of] Nurse naked doing doctor on a squeaky chair beside the surgical bed
Guy [Eric Pollins as Exhibitionist barfly] wants to show everyone his dick in a bar and goes full frontal [think of you, Saint Pauly]
[Speaking of Saint Pauly] Gay cops get off in the front seat of the cruiser
There were some lovely shots of Juno Temple, but then every shot of her is lovely. For those of you looking to see how much i appreciate her, check out the 0-5 Shot reviews of Maleficent, Kaboomand Mr Nobody.
There was also the gorgeous Kelli Garner, as Glenna Shepherd, the waitress who fucks to be loved. Remember how up there i talked about how a little desperation is sexy in a girl? If Horns looked and felt like Glenna looked and behaved, it would’ve had a lot more heart.
Kelli Garner Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
There’ll be some single shots of her in my drawers, all the way at the bottom. Just keep scrolling down till you see her smiling cleavage.
Also making an appearance was the amazing Heather Graham who is still as stunning as the time she showed us her boobs in Boogie Nights and a good slang name for that flick would be Boobie Nights because that’s how much of a revelation her chest was. Speaking of revealing chests…
Heather Graham Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
i got some single shots of her in my drawers as well. Just scroll the way down.
One of the actresses who was onscreen far too briefly to contain all of her talent was the exquisite Kendra Anderson, who played Nurse Delilah, like in “[Flashes of] Nurse naked doing doctor on a squeaky chair beside the surgical bed” from the Sex section up above. Here’s a toast to seeing a lot more of her in the future.
Drink: 3 Shots
There was a surprising amount here, to tell you the truth and that’s all i know how to do. Most every scene had a drink in it and like i mention in the next section, an argument could be made to the claim that the way people react to Ig’s horns is super similar to how people act when they’re drunk. You know me – and if you don’t i’m the one to blame – i don’t like to argue so i’ll shut up about it, but there’s some similarity.
Here’s the drinking shit shot by shot:
Anyone recognize that bottle?
Ig wakes up upside down, passed out next to an empty bottle of…? Whiskey?
Bar in the morning. Whiskey shots, beer chasers for the old men. Ig drinks beer from the bottle in a tree house.
Ig wonders if he got blackout drunk and killed Merrin.
Whiskey shots at the jazz club. Daniel’s brother [Joe Anderson as Terry Perrish] drinks whiskey from the bottle out of a bag
[Ig, Merrin and Lee Tourneau (Max Minghella) are] Drinking beer and holding up album covers over their faces in a flashback
Brother [Terry] doing coke and drinking whiskey from a scotch glass
Rock & Roll: 2 Shots
Aja let me down here. Look at the poster, for example, you’d think a guy with horns would use them for cool things and i’m not even talking about fetish shit (although that would’ve been a welcome addition). But no. The only things the horns do is make people say and do what they really think deep down. Like a bottle of Jäger without the rush.
Still, there were some good tunes, though, so i’ll put up two shots for that. Like there was Marilyn Manson’s version of “Personal Jesus” while journalists got into a brawl.
Plus the action at the end got good, especially with all the snake attacks.
Yeah, i got to see this on October 1, a full 9 days before y’all in the States. And because i know you don’t believe me – and who can blame you – here’s the obligatory ticket shot.
Ramblings: Bad Blood
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk in Eastern Europe? You think it’s going to be all exotic and that the cocktails will all be different and everyone you meet will be fascinating and that you’ll come away from the trip with stories that will have people buying you drinks wherever you go. Except beer is beer even in foreign places and the people there drink just like your asshole friends back home and the bars smell the same only dirtier and the bartenders rip you off with short drinks that are watered down before the waitresses overcharge you so the only stories you come away with are the same ones you already have, only less interesting. That’s what Dracula Untold is like.
Dracula Untold has been told so many times before i struggled to stay awake.
It’s been told many times over and better to boot. Like the directing was better in Bram Stoker’s Dracula, the script was better in The Hunger, and the action was better in From Dusk Till Dawn. There was a lot of money dropped on Dracula Untold, and like a tart who gets tarted up for a night out, the film looked the part. Unfortunately, just like that same tart at the end of the evening, Dracula doesn’t deliver anything more than a token kiss with only a little tongue.
The dialog sucked hard like a vampire, too. Every fucking line was super melodramatic and then the actors read them like they were their final words and it was so bad that you wished they were.
Not that i’m the kind of asshole who’s just going to rag on a film without hitting the good points. For example, the look of the film was great. The production costs must’ve been high and it was all on the screen with the rich images and epic landscapes that made me want to watch Lord of the Rings again. Plus, Dracula Untold had some good actors like Dominic Cooper, who did a better job here with a Turkish accent than he did in Need for Speedwith his normal accent.
Which reminds me, if you’re Turkish and reading this – wow, you must be really fucking lost. Also you probably don’t want to see Dracula Untold because they trash ancient Turkey more than i’m trashing this film.
You know who might like this movie? Kids. If you’re a kid and reading this then you’re even more lost than those Turkish dudes, but Dracula Untold is a good vampire movie for those of you whose only experience with vampires was Twilight. For the rest of us, though, this’ll leave you thirsty for something harder.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
A disappointment but i can’t say i was surprised. Or i could say it, but everyone would know i was lying because if you look at the cast on the IMDb page, 14 of the first 15 actors listed are men. In other words, be ready to get a long look at the unfairer sex for a long fucking time.
That one woman mentioned is the lovely Sarah Gadon, who showed as much skin as a Muslim woman in a body veil under a pile of quilts in Antarctica. This kind of bummed me out because Sarah’s not afraid to go full frontal, as she so bravely showed in Enemy [follow the link and get the exact times she bared more than her soul – thanks to Saint Pauly]. i blame it on American prudery and this is how i choose to fight that onslaught:
Sarah Gadon Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)
There’s more single shots of her at the bottom of this post, in my drawers.
One beautiful young lady flitted across the screen so fleetingly that her absence stirred a melancholy inside me. Whatever Dracula Untold‘s, at least Dilan Gwyn as the Governess made me feel something deeply.
Dilan Gwyn Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)
There’s some single shots of her rolling around in my drawers at the end of this post as well.
Drink: 0 Shots
Vampires suck and then they swallow, like much of this film, but they don’t drink booze. There was only one scene where alcohol flowed in copious quantities and that was an Easter feast. A Feaster, i guess you could say and if you don’t, i will.
Rock & Roll: 3 Shots
The action was definitely the best part of the movie, and to be fair, the film does move along quickly. As quick as a bat, if i may be so bold – and i may. Like my sex life, however, there was a lot of action but nothing new or exciting. They were just going through the motions and when it was over you felt satisfied but not in the mood for anything more.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless
Directed by: Gary Shore
Sarah Gadon – Mirena
Dilan Gwyn – Governess
Luke Evans – Vlad
Dominic Cooper – Mehmed
i’d wait and download this later. It isn’t worth the 10 bones to see it in the theater and you can watch the Francis Ford Coppola version in the meantime. You’ll thank me later.
This gift brought to us by Saint Pauly
WTF!? takes a hilarious look at this vampire offering
WTF!? review of the Frankenstein, the Untold Story