Remember how i’m a great investigative journalist? It’s OK if you forgot ’cause i’m gonna remind here with this shocking story that Justin Beiber killed a man. Not with his own bare hands, of course, the only thing Leave it to Bieber could kill is a buzz but he has enough cash to pay for the sins of all mankind so he for sure has enough to pay for the sin of murder.
Justin Cider bumped off the papparazzo who was following him the afternoon of January 1, 2013. Why? Because the pap smear wanted proof the little Beiby smoked weed? Are you kidding? Did you not know marijuana is now for all intensive purposes legal everywhere in the United States? Besides, Justinches clearly has a medical prescription for his stunted mental and physical growth. However, look at this picture more closely.
You see that on the table in front of him? i fuckin’ hope so because i circled it in red and drew a giant arrow right at it for you. It’s a bottle of Corona Extra beer. This means that child starlette Justin Bieber had one of his marijuana thug friends whack the photographer to hide the terrible secret Bieber was willing to kill to keep: Justin Bieber broke the law by drinking underage.
You kinda heard it hear first except you read it.
Bar None Artist’s Deception
Bar None Dregs
A little shout out to the Bar None’s very own Nancy Stelle (and if i keep saying that long enough it may just come true). Her movie, Argo, won Best Picture and Best Director (for Ben Affleck) at this year’s Golden Globes and is Academy Award nominated for Best Motion Picture.
One more shout out, this time to all you Beer Maids and Barhounds. Sometime earlier this month (i was too busy being sober to notice exactly when), the Bar None crossed the line of 3,000,000 patronizers. Now that’s a lot of zeroes, and i appreciate you being one of them.
i opened the Bar None on July 19, 2009 and even in the drunkest of dreams i never could have imagined that only 3½ short years later i would be serving up this shit to over 3,000,000 drinkers, drunks, and alcoholics anonymous. i’m humbled and buzzing with gratitude.
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Eddie Redmayne, Daniel Huttlestone & Students – Drink with Me
[Press ‘Play’ for “Let the wine of friendship never run dry…”]
Ramblings: Less Miserable
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk in a French karaoke bar? Everyone is singing in English but something’s still not quite right and you don’t know if it’s you because of how fucked up you are or because of how fucked up everyone else is in the spotlight singing strange songs strangely, songs you’ve never heard of or heard before and you start to wonder if you haven’t stumbled into French gay hell. Even weirder are all the people in the bar who are really getting into it and you don’t know how you missed the ass they’re riding in on but you’re sure as hell not getting off at the same place they are. Still, it’s fun to watch everyone from a distance because they’re cute or drunk or funny but never all 3 together unfortunately. So you were kind of dreading going but it was distracting and more than once entertaining even if that was only from laughing at the show and the whack-jobs watching it. That’s kinda what Les Misérables was like.
The Villlager People
It’s not the film’s fault but i forgot this was a musical even if it technically isn’t but is an opera instead. Yes, this is far worse. Not just bad. Opera bad.
One of the many things i have never understood is the concept of Musicals. i’m especially curious to know what the first ever musical was. i want to know this so i can go back in time and kill the fucker who wrote it and thus perhaps save the universe from the monumental pain the opera fat ass that is Opera.
People walk around spontaneously combusting into song at the drop of a top hat? What kind of sick ass word is that? Tell you what, i see some some beach dancing in the streets, i’mma run his skippy ass down. If god wanted us to sing everything that crossed our minds, he would of made me deaf. Not just deaf. Opera deaf.
Jacques in a Box
So, what was good about this other than its ending? It was funny watching Russel Crowe sing, but no so much fun hearing it. Maybe my favorite part of the film was the French history in it, and that should tell you how much i didn’t like the singing. Oh, Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter were cool and their songs sucked less than everyone else’s. That’s about it.
My absolute favorite part? Other than the special movie theater i went to that had first class airplane electronic recliner chairs with a tray and waiters that delivered to your seat (i shit you totally not), my favorite part was the 15 year old i was with telling me she liked it. i was so relieved that this automatically went to 3 shots for me. Plus, she may read this one day and i told her i liked it so i don’t want to be a liar.
My barber also does my tassles.
Speaking of underage…Isabelle Allen is only 10 so i’m going to card her cute little ID right here so that she doesn’t get mixed up with all the vulgarity to follow. She played Young Cosette but there was nothing amateur about her performance. If the crazy skilz she displayed here are any indication, her future will be as winning as her smile. And not just winning. Opera winning.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Anne Hathaway is so dirty
First off Anne Hathaway is beautiful and she’s in this movie and she worked hard for the Oscar nom nom. She went so far as to flash her brillo patch to raise up awarenesses under the Motion Picture Board and i know she keeps saying she feels terribly embarrassed about it but there’s no way a woman who was already smeared by the paps when she wore a see-through top [and if you’ve forgotten the glory of that precious moment, here’s a Bar None Wallpaper to jog more than your memory] would forget to wear her underwear unless she was hoping for some big publicity or at least a gentle press.
Anyway, Hathaway did a good job playing Fantine in the movie and wants everyone to know it. Hell, don’t hide your light under a bushel, Anne. Like i won’t hide this.
Anne Hathaway Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’ll be some single shots of her lurking in my drawers down below. Just scroll to the bottom and click on the “Continue reading” link.
Amanda Seyfried (Cosette) showed up in this movie too which is nice because it gives me an excuse to show you this.
Amanda Seyfried Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s some single shots of her as well, in my drawers down there.
Plus i really liked the final female lead Samantha Barks / Éponine because she is more normal beautiful than the famous beauties and i’m a fan of normal beauty. Here’s an example.
Samantha Barks Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i’ll have some more single shots of her in my drawers. Scroll down to see if Barks is worse than her bite.
Finally, Helena Bonham Carter, Her Lady of Ultimate Coolness did a great job in this movie as Madame Thénardier (to Sacha Baron Cohen’s Thénardier). i’ve already exposéd her a couple of times here and clicking on the cleavage will take you to that stack of photos.
The supremely talented Frances Ruffelle played “Whore 1”.
Not to be outdone, Charlotte Spencer plays “Whore 3”. Lots of whoring going on in this movie with lots of not nudity. Seems the writers didn’t really grasp the whole concept of whores.
For those of you more into Tenor 11 inches, there was Sacha Baron Cohen as Thénardier.
Sacha Baron Cohen in the Bar None
Sacha Baron Cohen Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Aaron Tveit as Enjolras.
And Eddie Redmayne as Marius.
Drink: 1 Shot
Could’ve been worse. Not that there was tons of drinking but i liked what there was, which was basically Sacha Baron Cohen and his inn and people getting drunk inn there.
Here’s the blow by blow:
Gave Valjean wine & bread at the church he stole from
Sacha Cohen wakes up with a keg, kisses it and tells it, “I love you.”
“Don’t let the wine go to your brain” lyric [from “Red and Black”]
A song called “Drink with Me” [included in the intro]
Rock & Roll: 0 shots
Seriously, did you know most of the songs here don’t even rhyme? How fucked up is that? Just because you use a stupid singing voice when you say shit doesn’t mean you’re singing.
Check this out and read the lyrics…
Before you say another word, Javert
Before you chain me up like a slave again
Listen to me! There is something I must do.
This woman leaves behind a suffering child.
There is none but me who can intercede,
In Mercy’s name, three days are all I need.
Then I’ll return, I pledge my word.
Do you believe that bullshit? Or, as i write in my latest song:
Do you believe that bullshit.
It’s so stupid.
All Washed Up
Boring Technical Crap
Victor Hugo (novel)
Claude-Michel Schönberg & Alain Boublil (book)
Herbert Kretzmer (lyrics)
Alain Boublil & Jean-Marc Natel (original: French text)
James Fenton (additional text)
William Nicholson (screenplay)
Directed by: Tom Hooper
Anne Hathaway – Fantine
Amanda Seyfried – Cosette
Helena Bonham Carter – Madame Thénardier
Samantha Barks – Éponine
Isabelle Allen – Young Cosette
Frances Ruffelle – Whore 1
Charlotte Spencer – Whore 3
Hugh Jackman – Jean Valjean
Russell Crowe – Javert
Sacha Baron Cohen – Thénardier
Eddie Redmayne – Marius
Aaron Tveit – Enjolras
“Yes! I love this fence, too!”
Apart from the singing parts, though, Les Misérables was OK. Take out the songs and you got yourself a so-so movie here.
Georgia Jones Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
From the juiced box and dedicated to Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa: Machine Gun Kelly – LTFU (One More Time)
[Press ‘Play’ for “For the unforgettable nights we couldn’t take in / Cause we were to busy guzzlin the gin / All in, til we spew it up / My city love me so whenever I’m home / I get the messages saying that it is on”]
Charlie Sheen has got himself a new whore. After Bree Olson’s twins dumped him, he’s now seeing Georgia “On My Mind” Jones, who’s way classier because she only does lesbian (see above wallpaper, in case you missed it) or solo (check out my drawers down below). But she’s not what i mean by “new whore” and if that’s what you thought i meant then you don’t know me very well because i’d never call a woman that and especially not one who is one.
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones Going to the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones Going to the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones in the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones in the Bar None
No, Charlie’s new bit on the side is none other than Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. The two Californicators partied together in Cabo San Lucas (which is messican for “Party Central”), MeXXXico.
Charlie Sheen tweeting from the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Antonio Villaraigosa in the Bar None
Sheen had this to say about it.
“He can drink with the best of ’em: Me.”
The two boys spoke for hours and drank tons and all around hit it off so well that now his Dishonor is going into denial, telling everyone that the meeting was only a quickie. Knowing Sheen as well as Georgia Jones, 3 minutes sounds about right.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Here’s the Bar None artist’s rejection of what partying with Antonio Villaraigosa would be like.
Sofia Vergara in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
The New Year has come even if you haven’t (but hey, the couple that fakes it together, makes it together) and brings with it a whole barrel bottom-ful of Dregs. Like we got a girl shooting off her brother’s mouth, God not damning, the Chris Brown wreck, Lay-Lo laying low, and Sofia Veraga’s New Year’s boobs.
From the juiced-box: The Pretty Reckless – Kill Me
[Press ‘Play’ for what you listen to when you care enough to kill the very best]
You know me (and if you don’t, watch more Jerry Springer), i like to make fun as much as the next guy especially if the next guy is super funny. But i have to draw a line somewhere so i’m drawing one right here.
See, on New Year’s Eve in Phoenix, AZ a drunk 19 year old girl killed her brother while they posed for Facebook profile pics. The parties in questioning were drinking with buds when someone pulled out a gun and as the siblings messed around, the girl accidentally fired a bullet into her brother’s head.
i know you like the back of my daddy’s hand, Barmaids and Beerhounds, and i know you’re gonna wanna make all kinds of jokes about this. Like you’re gonna be tempted to shoot your mouth off and say shit like, “Looks like they were doing shots” or “Talk about a photo shoot” or “Maybe he wanted a head shot .” Well, i’m here to tell you that shit don’t fly, you sick mother drunkard. What do you have going on in you brain to even think of bad puns like that?
God may not be your copilot, but he sure as hell is Tyler Alred’s. This 17-year old shithead was drunk driving (0.07 %, just under the legal limit), hit a tree and killed his 16-year old passenger. Dead. He even pleaded guilty to manboyslaughter.
You know who else is a shithead? The judge. He sentenced All-red to 10 years…in church. Swear to god. The judge passed on a suspended sentence of 10 years during which Tyler has to attend church service on Sunday.
The kicker? The sentence may not be too effective because Alred already goes to church every fucking Sunday. God damn it all to hell.
Lindsay Lohan was photographed at a restaurant celebrating her sister Ali’s 19th birthday (Ali’s the one in the back left looking like Elizabeth Bennet out of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies), but it’s hard to tell because everyone in that family looks like the clan’s Gran, including the men.
The scandal that erupted like the zit on the nose of a Disney teen drinking and driving Herbie The Love Drunk had to do with the fact that it’s illegal for Lay-Lo to drink alcohol, and this law is brought to you by the same universe that says it’s OK to sentence a drunk driver to church.
Like every good alkie, however, Lindsay blamed her grandmother because you would too if you could get away with it and you would because what kind of lawyer would attack a grannie? To add salt to the wounds, Lay Lindsay Lay claimed that the drink is an alcohol free margarita, making it the only thing even close to virgin at the table. Plus, i’m pretty sure that’s not salt on the rim. Maybe the Coke isn’t in the glass, ‘swhat i’m sayin’.
Here’s a little tribute to the lovely bonds of sisterhood.
Lindsay & Ali Lohan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You guys pro’lly don’t care about what a sensitive soul i am, but this one picture right here is very heartistic and causes me a sadness i wouldn’t know where to explain.
Sofia Vergara and Nick “Rock” Loeb-ster in the Bar None
Sofia Veraga has two very big boobs: her fiancé and her ex. On New Year’s Eve they all decided to party together which is the greatest idea ever since Rihanna decided to go back to Chris Brown. All this went down in Florida which, if you’ve read these dregs more than once you already know is where insanity goes to die and comes back to life so it can gnaw on the brains of the few people there that have any left.
The trio were partying in the VIP section of a club called Miami’s Story when Sofia So-Good and her fiancé Nick Loeb had words to go with their drinks (words like “asshole”, “fuckface”, and “stretchy head”, i bet). People at a nearby table stuck their noses into Loeb’s business and then his fist and in the following fight some people got beat up but, even better, some good soul was kind enough to pull down Sofia’s top for us.
Sorry about the censorship in the above shot but i can’t find an unadultery shot anywhere on the net. The closest i could find was this slip showing.
Sofaia Vergara will bend over backwards for you
i got more of this hot steamy mess down in my drawers…
Call me Basking Robbins ’cause i’m about to give y’all a scoop. Chris Brown, the guy you know you hate, was in a city called Paris (hint: doesn’t end with “Hilton”) in a land called France (the country Germany practices its global dominations on) and learned a very simple lesson in mathematsick.
Seems Brownie rented a Lamborghini Aventador (shot 1), did a show and hit an after-party (shot 2), left the bar at 4 am and banged into some other dude’s car (shot 3). As i’m the only one talking about this (in English), i’m calling it a win for Team None. But, if i get wacked mysteriously or suddenly disappear without a face, start looking here at the French Connection.
Here’s a Bar None Artist’s misconception.
Bar None Artist’s Misconception of Chris Brown’s Accident
i gots more shots of Chris and Rihanna drinking in my drawers, just at the bottom there.
Bar None Dregs
For Christmas, i promised that Saint Pauly kid i’d post this picture off his WTF (Watch the Film) blog. What do you think? Is is as funny as he says it is?
Here comes the part where i wish you a Happy New Year. That’s done. Was it good for you?
i stole this from a website called Guapola because that’s the kinda shit i do.
Masochists will want to to go to All About Al K Hall for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
So far there are 1,802 of y’all who’ve strolled into the Bar None to pass some time on Christmas, and you can add one more to that number because i’m here with you, to thank you for spending some of your time on this day of all days to share with us. Whatever your age, sexy, race, religion, hell, whatever your reason i’m proud that you came by, and i thank you for patronizing me.
From the juiced-box: Corey Taylor – X-M@$
[Press ‘Play’ for “If I ain’t drunk then it ain’t Christmas”]
How do we celebrate X-mAss in the Bar None? Like everywhere else in the world, only better.
1. We drink a tree
Yule Get Drunk
2. We go nativity
God said, “Let there be Lite.”
3. We get the family Christmas carded
Mom likes “Do You Hear What I Fear?” Carol prefers “Fuck the Halls”
4. We go bar shopping
“I’ll take a family-sized buzz, please.”
5. We give the gifts that keep giving up
Grandma Liks Baking
6. We try to survive the day after
What A Pisser
7. We bring the Big Man
We also get a visit from Santa Claus, but in the Bar None it’s better because we get more than one.
Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.
“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.
And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.
What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?
1a. Toys for Boys
Hey, Don’t Blame His Taste, Blame Yours
1b. Toys for Chicks
2. Toys for Neither
Not So Bored Games
3. For the Makers Marksmen
The Shot Gun
4. For the Festive Drinker
5. For Those with a Green Tongue
The Booze Tree
6. Drunk Test #1
Pretty Wasted or Ugly Bottom?
Drunk Test #2
When You’re Lap Is Wet, You’re Drunk
7. For the Impractical Joker
8. For the Fashion Unconscious
Does Not Come In Small
9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me
The Beer-ed: Real Subtle
The Beer Belly (or The Pregnant Man)
Check Out Her Jugs
10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?
And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif
Ferrari Girl Collage at the Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
It’s that time of year where i write about September dregs in December. i’ll talk about things like Facebooked Teens, Red Bullshit, wrecked Ferraris, wrecked Ferrari drivers, Yo Ho Hoes, Jessica Alba’s Golden Globes, and oh oh oh so much more.
From the Juiced Box and dedicated to Vorayuth Yoovidhya and Bobby Brown: Stevie Wonder – Don’t Drive Drunk
[Press ‘Play’ to hear some kind of Wonder. Stevie never drove drunk, neither should you.]
What kind of mind do teens have? Teeny. But don’t take my words for it, get it straight from the asses’ mouth. Or Timeline, if that’s how you roll because these pocket scientists broke into a neighbors house, partied, puked and posted it all on Facebook.
Days later, the owner comes home from vacation, connects to Facebook and sees his own furniture being abused by these idiots. Why didn’t he know as soon as he walked in the front door? Because the kids rebroke in the day after the party and cleaned everything up. Which is not as stupid as it sounds, because cleaning is actually a very good cure for a hangover.
The cops are hot on the trail of the perps, though, and this i know because the wasted youth tagged all their pictures on Facebook. i weep for the future.
The question, though, that no one but me is asking is, What the hell was the neighbor guy doing Facebook stalking pictures of partying teens? Grinning and Pedo Baring it, i’ll bet.
Speaking of Facebook. Does anyone out there understand “Groups”? The Bar None has a Group Page on Facebook (and why you haven’t Liked it is beyond me–go there and do it now, please, lazy ass) and there’s a graph on it. Here let me show you.
The Bar None on Facebook
If you click on that image, you’ll see that i have “Reached” 1,433 people. What the fuck does that mean? i only have 35 Likes (at least until you just clicked on it a few seconds ago and i ‘preciate that, really) but i’ve reached well over a thousand. If you tell me i touched 1,500 people i’d say it was a conservative estimate but “Reach”? Can anybody tell me what this means? Thanks Drinkers, Drunks and Alcoholics anonymous.
What’s the most expensive piss you’ve ever taken? Unless it was on your future father in-laws shoes (while he was in them), on the windshield of an occupied police car or in the boss’s coffee cup, your most expensive piss probably won’t come close to the leak you’ll take when you piss away the money you spent on Westvleteren XII. It’s supposed to be the best beer ever made but the people who say this never got drunk with the girl of their dreams on a sailboat drifting over a sea of night watching shooting stars and realizing you have nothing left to wish for because all your wishes have come true.
Monks in Belgium make this brew to see God but they need some extra cash and God’s a little short so they’re selling it to us peons for the price of $85 (glasses included). At that price you might want to cross your legs and hold it in a little longer to get your money’s worth.
If you’re going to be a chronic alcoholic, go big or go boating. Alison Whelan was in a place called England (a heavily desserted Isle where they binge drink warm beer and take soccer way too fucking seriously), tripping on ‘shrooms (which is not my fucking business) and super drunk on Lambrini at the wrong end of a 2-day bender (which is my fucking business, and business is booming).
Alison Whelan Mug Shot
She snuck onto a ferry (the boat, not the slang term for most English men), called 999 to say she was having a seizure and after her boyfriend gave the EMTs shit, Alsion noticed the hotels on shore were getting smaller.
Realizing the boat had become unmoored and was floating out to sea, she told her matey that they were pirates now and kept yelling, “I’m Jack Sparrow” while the 2-storey ferry bounced off yachts in the port “like a pinball machine”, as prosecutors would later say.
i’m no expert–though i play one on this blog–but i’m thinking this episode may hurt her chances for the liver transplant she is currently waiting for…
September 6: Red Bull Leaves You Run Down
Next time you feel a little run down, like your dragging, check to make sure it’s not the Red Bull.
Vorayuth Yoovidhya Mug Shot
In a magical country known as Thigh Land, balls deep in Bangcock, there was some Red Bull shit when the 27-year-old hair in the throne of the energy drink magnet hit and ran some cop dead. Sure, the poor officer (or ‘very poor officer’) was dragged under the car but, far worse, the rich car guy totaled his car! A Ferrari!
Vorayuth Yoovidhya’s Ferrari (Bar None Dregs)
You know what? They should really make Ferrari’s drunk proof. Sure, Vorayuth Yoovidhya (pronounced ‘Very Hot You Video’) had a BAT of 0.63% but c’mon, he’s rich and rich people have different rules. He dropped a lot of cash on his car, the least it could do is keep him out of trouble.
Ferrari Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
All of us in denial recovery know that the first step to sobriety is thinking about admitting you have a problem. ‘Course Brown is at a disadvantage here because “thinking” is not his strong suit in the Bobby Brown DUI Mugshot Playing Card Deck.
Bobby Brown Bar None Mugshot Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Jessica Alba got drunk with the A-List (Alcohol List) to celebrate her Golden Globes noms (as in ‘nom nom’). Because ‘actor’ is how alcoholics spell ‘career’, Moët & Chandon champagne sponsored the event. Also on hand was Megan Fox who drank the champagne and may or may not be breast feeding, but writing “Megan Fox Breast Feeding” is one of the reasons i gave myself this job. Ed Helms (‘Andy’ from The Office and the dentist from The Hangover and The Hangover Part 2: Bad Remake) showed up too and could be heard slurring “Golden Globes sandwich” wherever he went.
Jessica Alba in the Bar None
Bukaki? No, Boozecocky
i jammed some more general sexy shots of her Golden Globes in my drawers, down at the bottom of this post.