Bar Angels and Boozehounds, the time has come yet again to waste some of your hard earned beer money on other people who won’t be able to contain their disappointment when they open the presents you bought with cash you should’ve spent on cheap tequila and that one heavy chick who wears a bikini top to the bar even if it’s winter and you live in Duluth.
What’s even worse than this torture? Well, for me it’s going through this sober, but for you normal drunks? The worst part is trying to hide the disenchantment you feel when you open yet another bag of dress socks that only reminds you that you have to go back to the office after the festivities have ended in a gut wrenching hangover.
Fret no more, dear Patronizers, i’ve compiled a list here of shit you can ask for so that all you have to do is share this with loved ones so that you can be sure to get more than slapped this holiday season.
After the resounding success of my Vodka for 9-year-olds, i figured what the fuck, there’s grown ups who like vodka too, right?
The problem is, our tastes have moved past candy, but does that mean we have to stop enjoying vodka at all hours of the day? Fuck no!
Below you’ll find a selection of flavored vodkas you can have for any meal…dessert included.
As an alcoholic in recovery, i haven’t tried any of these but i’ll probably go off the wagon when they invent Cara Delevingne’s panties vodka (distill my beating heart).
That said, i’d love to hear from you in the tip jar (comments) if you’ve ever been brave enough to sample one of these. Which one did you try and what did you think?
To get you in the mood, from the juiced box, i give you: The Whiskey Bards – Drinking Man’s Diet
Wallpaper
Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
17 Vodkas You Will Eat Up
1. Breakfast Vodkas
Breakfast is the most important drink of the day. Most alcoholics recommend a hearty drink before braving the world outdoors. For those of you who want a big breakfast drunk, try
Maple bacon (WTF!?) vodka
Blueberry pancake vodka
Waffle vodka
If you’re one of those who doesn’t like big breakfasts, not to worry. What about Fruit Loop vodka?
You could even drink it out of a bowl
Still too much? How ’bout just a little bite on your way out the door.
Drunken Donuts
2. Lunch Vodkas
Busy at the office and looking for something to take the edge off? Try this blast from the past: PB&J vodka.
No crusts and everything
Want to give that sammich a little kick?
How to get pickled
Maybe you need something that’ll burn a little more going down.
Burns going both in and out
Not spicy enough? No problem, i got some Jalpeño vodka for you.
Burns both going down and coming up
To be sure you stay healthy, don’t forget to drink a little fruit. (SaltyWatermelon? WTF!?)
Seedless
3. Dinner vodkas
A three-course meal is the perfect way to finish off the day if you’re still standing.
Are you glad i didn’t post this as a slideshow and make you go through each bottle one at a time? You could always thank me by…uhm, i don’t know… sharing this.
What about you? Have you tried any of these? Leave a comment below and let us know what you thought.
How many times have people come up to me and said, “Al K Hall, my kids just aren’t taking to vodka as quickly as I did at their age. What can I do to get them on the bottle sooner?”
Ok, no one has ever come up to me and asked me that question, but if they did, here’s what i’d answer…
But before we get into that, i have a little song for you from the juiced-box, to get you in the mood. Korpiklaani – Vodka
Bar None Kiddie Vodka Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
10 Vodkas Your Toddlers Will Eat Up
1. Peanut Butter & Jelly vodka
No crusts in here
2. Cookie Dough vodka
For when real raw cookie dough doesn’t make you sick enough
3. Chocolate Covered Pretzel vodka
Everyone’s go-to junk food, am i right?
4. S’mores vodka
Good for getting drunk on right next to a roaring bonfire
5. Cotton Candy vodka
Will stick to the toilet bowl, not your fingers
6. Bubble Gum vodka
Now no one can burst your bubble
7. Red Liquorice vodka
Liquor-ice
8. Fluffed Marshmallow vodka
A new way to get toasted
9. Buttered Popcorn vodka
Quieter for the movies
And if you want extra butter
Autumn Butter vodka
666: The number of the eats
10. Root Beer Float vodka
Because you need something to drink to wash all of these down…
Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.
“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.
And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.
What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?
1a. Toys for Boys
Hey, Don’t Blame His Taste, Blame Yours
1b. Toys for Chicks
Redneck Barbie
2. Toys for Neither
Bored Games
Not So Bored Games
3. For the Makers Marksmen
The Shot Gun
4. For the Festive Drinker
Reinbeer
5. For Those with a Green Tongue
The Booze Tree
6. Drunk Test #1
Pretty Wasted or Ugly Bottom?
Drunk Test #2
When You’re Lap Is Wet, You’re Drunk
7. For the Impractical Joker
Father Pissmas
8. For the Fashion Unconscious
Does Not Come In Small
9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me
The Beer-ed: Real Subtle
The Beer Belly (or The Pregnant Man)
Check Out Her Jugs
10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?
And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif
Tired of the question “What will you come as?” when you’re not sex role playing? Tired of being yourself and yet still don’t know what you want to be this year for Halloween? You’ve come to the right Bar None.
i’ve assembled a list of celebrity Halloween costumes to inspire you and, after some hemming (and hawing), i think i’ve got it all sewn up. Here, then, are ten Halloween costumes worn by actual celebrities that we can pattern ourselves after.
From the juiced-box and to get you in the mood, Marilyn Manson – This Is Halloween.
[Press ‘Play’ for Manson’s cover of the Danny Elfman song from Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas]
1. Justin Bieber Going as “A Male”
Justin Bieber Dressed Up As A Boy
Ahh, Justin Cider, you’re still my favorite lesbian. Bielibe that.
2. Mitt Romney Going As “Presidential”
Mitt Romney Pretending To Be Someone Who Can
Don’t forget, you still have time to vote in the US Presidential Election. If you ware not an American citizen and would like to vote, i’m selling my vote to the highest bidder.
3. Kim Kardashian Going As “A Human”
Kim Kardashian Almost Looking Like She Comes From This Planet
Nice twist on the “I’m going as an alien”, we have an extra terrestrial coming as one of us.
4. Lindsay Lohan Going As “A Camel’s Toe”
Lindsay Lohan Gets Bestial
Lindsay as her (second) favorite part of a camel’s anatomy.
5. Lance Armstrong Going as “An Athlete”
Lance Armstrong Wants us To Believe He’s Clean!
Drug addicts always pick costumes that reveal what they think they really are.
6. Honey Boo Boo Going As “A Child”
Peter Dinky-lage’s Inamorata Pretends To Be A Grown Up
She even acts childish!
7. Rihanna Going As “An Intellectual”
Rihanna Looking Like She Should Know Better
Only problem is, she can’t wear this costume if she goes with Chris Brown because no one would get she was smart.
8. Miley Cyrus Going As “Dafuq?”
Miley Cyrus Living The Meme
Why so Cyrus?
9 Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake Going As “Lovers”
Prick Or Teats
i also could’ve put “Justin Timberlake – Straight”.
10. Amanda Bynes Going As “Air Bags”
Amanda Bynes on Shalloween
My personal favorite. Amanda went ironic this year in reference to both her drunken hit & runs.
Here it is, the beginning of another year and you’re starting it off wishing you could forget the few memories still hanging on from last night. i know, and how else could i know except i’ve been in the exact same places you are now. Well, not exactly the same because i don’t even know your sister so how could i be passed out on the cement floor of the bathroom in her unfinished basement where he husband insisted we sleep because our puke is bound to be heroically pungent after all the imitation crab legs we nuked on shiny paper plates with slabs of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”.
Even if i haven’t been there specifically, i’ve been there before and it’s not because i’m sober today that i don’t recall ringing in the new year with a bell that clanged too fucking loudly and sounded like a hangover.
As your (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, i’m here to help by knocking one item off the to-do list scrawled on the back of the leaf you’re in too much pain to turn over at the moment. Here, then, are the
Ten Drinking Resolutions You’ve Made for 2012
1. I Resolve To Hold My Liquor Better
2. I Resolve To Sit Up Straight No Matter How Drunk i Am
3. I Resolve Not To Spill My Drink
4. I Resolve Not To Dance While Drunk
5. I Resolve Not To Play With Fire When Drinking
6. I Resolve Not To Get A Tattoo If i’m Drunk
7. I Resolve To Remember Cardboard Is Not A Costume
8. I Resolve Not To Go Native
9. I Resolve To Stop Sleeping Around
10. I Resolve To Pass Out In A Bed
BONUS ROUND: Click at your own risk and watch your step:
Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.
“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.
And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.
What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?
1a. Toys for Boys
Hey, Don't Blame His Taste, Blame Yours
1b. Toys for Chicks
Redneck Barbie
2. Toys for Neither
Bored Games
Not So Bored Games
3. For the Makers Marksmen
The Shot Gun
4. For the Festive Drinker
Reinbeer
5. For Those with a Green Tongue
The Booze Tree
6. Drunk Test #1
Pretty Wasted or Ugly Bottom?
Drunk Test #2
When You're Lap Is Wet, You're Drunk
7. For the Impractical Joker
Father Pissmas
8. For the Fashion Unconscious
Does Not Come In Small
9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me
The Beer-ed: Real Subtle
The Beer Belly (or The Pregnant Man)
Check Out Her Jugs
10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?
And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif
Bar Angels and Boozehounds, the time has come yet again to waste some of your hard earned beer money on other people who won’t be able to contain their disappointment when they open the presents you bought with cash you should’ve spent on cheap tequila and that one heavy chick who wears a bikini top to the bar even if it’s winter and you live in Duluth.
Tired of the question “What will you come as?” when you’re not sex role playing? Tired of being yourself and yet still don’t know what you want to be this year for Halloween? You’ve come to the right Bar None.
